BM Tuesday

DFWIndian · April 2011

I'm sorry you guys constantly have to deal with this, but I am so over this wedding. My parents and I had a huge blow out Tuesday... I've been staying with a friend the past week. I saw them on Easter and they told me to come back home. I am planning on it. My little sister/MOH and I talked last night. She was talking about how all this is my fault and when I tried to tell her my side of the story she said I was just defending myself. Apparently I'm totally in the wrong here and not acting like a "good" Indian girl! Such hypocrisy from her! I'm tired of my family and wish this was all over. I honestly am starting to hate my wedding.

raangoli · April 2011

I am sorry to hear that you're having a hard time with your parents. Ideally this should be a fun and exciting time for all of you, but it seems far from it. Will you talk to you parents before you go back home? You're just under the 2 month mark, do you think it's worth it to hash things out now and get things cleared before the wedding so that you know as the day comes closer, there is less tension in the air (if that's even possible?)

Hang in there! You're welcome to vent whenever you need to

HisBelovedOne · April 2011

*hugs* I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with the family! (Families... love 'em, but they tend to get so overly involved with their own wishes for things that they can't see anything else!)

My complaint is - typical, right? - R's mom. This time it's all the things we should be doing with the baby because "that's how it's done in India."

Um, last I checked, we don't LIVE in India. Also, R and I (you know, the child's PARENTS) aren't Hindu, so their other favorite excuse ("religious reasons") is just as maddening!

Unless they can give me a GOOD reason to tie a black cord around my infant's ankle or, for goodness' sake, cut off all her hair when she turns one, I'm not going to do it. And "that's how it's done in India" and "I did it with my kids" doesn't count. My mother didn't tie a cord around my ankle or shave me bald, and I turned out just fine.

R tried yesterday to convince me that there's "no harm" in shaving Kidlette's hair when she turns one. Here's the harm I see in it: it will show his parents that all they have to is b*tch about it enough and he'll give in nevermind my wishes. I do not want my daughter's head shaved, and I will not consent to it. And if any one of them (R included) comes near my baby's head with clippers, scissors, or any other instrument to remove her hair, there will be WORDS. And they will not be pretty words.

temurlang · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_bm-tuesday-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:819dc6c6-e351-489a-bd9b-2101c7c3a07bPost:7073c800-7527-4f17-96db-15cc4f5f9b0d">Re: BM Tuesday</a>:
[QUOTE]*hugs* I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with the family! (Families... love 'em, but they tend to get so overly involved with their own wishes for things that they can't see anything else!) My complaint is - typical, right? - R's mom. This time it's all the things we should be doing with the baby because "that's how it's done in India." Um, last I checked, we don't LIVE in India. Also, R and I (you know, the child's PARENTS) aren't Hindu, so their other favorite excuse ("religious reasons") is just as maddening! Unless they can give me a GOOD reason to tie a black cord around my infant's ankle or, for goodness' sake, cut off all her hair when she turns one, I'm not going to do it. And "that's how it's done in India" and "I did it with my kids" doesn't count. My mother didn't tie a cord around my ankle or shave me bald, and I turned out just fine. R tried yesterday to convince me that there's "no harm" in shaving Kidlette's hair when she turns one. Here's the harm I see in it: it will show his parents that all they have to is b*tch about it enough and he'll give in nevermind my wishes. I do not want my daughter's head shaved, and I will not consent to it. And if any one of them (R included) comes near my baby's head with clippers, scissors, or any other instrument to remove her hair, there will be WORDS. And they will not be pretty words.
Posted by HisBelovedOne[/QUOTE]

Ha! We're not even TTC, and this has already come up!

Our first such controversy was over me wearing a bindi. I am happy to wear a bindi of my own choosing (suitable to my narrow face, and not the giant circle MIL loves so much) with a sari to an event such as a wedding or pooja or while I'm at their home in India. I AM NOT going to wear any of that to the grocery store (there are plenty of people wearing that around here, but I'm not going to).

The reasons MIL gives for shaving the head? 1) the hair will grow back straight... um, neither of your kids have straight hair. 2) it prevents baldness... so how do you account for your son's bald spot? 3) it makes the hair manageable... I have manageable hair, SIL's hair does weird stuff, so maybe this has more to do with how we maintain it?

Not to totally freak you out about this, but we went over to one of DH's friend's homes, and the baby had a shaved head. The wife told me how she was really opposed to this and upset it had happened (while visiting family in India), so I concluded the husband must have agreed to it. Then the husband said how he really objected to it and basically some relative did it without permission!

temurlang · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_bm-tuesday-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:819dc6c6-e351-489a-bd9b-2101c7c3a07bPost:7e77993e-56d5-46d6-b43d-a3c19ff502c3">BM Tuesday</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you guys constantly have to deal with this, but I am so over this wedding. My parents and I had a huge blow out Tuesday... I've been staying with a friend the past week. I saw them on Easter and they told me to come back home. I am planning on it. My little sister/MOH and I talked last night. She was talking about how all this is my fault and when I tried to tell her my side of the story she said I was just defending myself. Apparently I'm totally in the wrong here and not acting like a "good" Indian girl! Such hypocrisy from her! I'm tired of my family and wish this was all over. I honestly am starting to hate my wedding.
Posted by DFWIndian[/QUOTE]

I had a really tough time with my family leading up to the wedding (well, I still am, but for all new reasons). The stress and conflicting points of view don't bring out people's best. Your sister sounds like my brother... sorry :( Hopefully, after the wedding things will calm down, but being married will give you a better position in the family dynamics.

Big complaint of the moment: we still haven't found a new apartment. The weather is starting to warm up, and in about a month the current apartment will reach unliveable temperatures. We really need to find something soon!

DFWIndian · April 2011

Hisbeloved - We do this too!!! lol. My parent's did it to me. They did it to my nephews. Apparently isn't suppose to make the hair grow back thicker. I personally don't care and probably won't do it to my kids, but Yea that whole.. We did it in India.. is huge.
My mom has all the these old superstitions from the Hindu culture. I keep reminding her we are Catholic so she shouldn't believe them but she doesn't quit. It's so annoying

HisBelovedOne · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_bm-tuesday-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:819dc6c6-e351-489a-bd9b-2101c7c3a07bPost:127ec87b-0c27-47cd-a178-45861cff977d">Re: BM Tuesday</a>:
[QUOTE]I 1) the hair will grow back straight... 2) it prevents baldness... 3) it makes the hair manageable... I[/QUOTE]

Yeah, the only reason FMIL gave was, "because that's how they do it in India." But Kidlette's hair is already straight...and FFIL is already balding (at 44)...and R's hair is only manageable because it's short!

Luckily, none of his family is nearby - most of them are in New York, and his parents are 2 1/2 hours away and are never alone with my kids. But I am sooo not kidding when I say that there will be very ugly words if one of them tries it!

kpwedkk · April 2011

We've got this ceremony as well, it's called Mundan, where by the age of one, all of the poor kid's hair is shaven off. There was quite the contreversy in our own home about my hair, and instead of shaving it off, I got basically a haircut, from long nice flowing curly hair, to a short almost looking perm... all the of the hair was saved off in the album somewhere, and I was a kid that was completely bawling all over the floor.

The Mundan Sanskar, is supposed to be the first haircut of the kid:

the hair present at birth is supposed to represent unwanted traits from the past lives. In order to make sure that the child has no undesirable qualities of the past birth in this life, the head is shaved off to ensure a new beginning and a fresh start. Medically, it is said that shaving off the hair stimulates the cells and improves blood circulation to the brain. Some also believe that this gives the child a long life.

AquarianDragon · April 2011

[QUOTE]I'm sorry you guys constantly have to deal with this, but I am so over this wedding...
...I honestly am starting to hate my wedding.
Posted by DFWIndian[/QUOTE]
I'm so sorry it's getting ugly. Hang in there..... you're almost to the goal!

*hugs*

[QUOTE]*Um, last I checked, we don't LIVE in India. Also, R and I (you know, the child's PARENTS) aren't Hindu, so their other favorite excuse ("religious reasons") is just as maddening! Posted by HisBelovedOne[/QUOTE]
It's very hard to manage with the "this is how it is done in India" commentary and the religion excuse.

Even though R doesn't identify as being Hindu, the socioculture perspective is he is born Hindu and will always be Hindu.... any kids he has are also Hindu. Even FI says he's Hindu by birth.... however, on a good day he's an Agnostic Hindu, on a very bad day (ie, when a relative irks him to no end), he's a flat-out Atheist.

Also, since you said his language is Sindhi, I'll assume he's Sindhi, and Hindu Sindhis (especially older ones) at times are sensitive about making sure tradition is preserved; it comes from the fact that Hindu Sindhis no longer have a homeland... it was lost during the Paritioning of India. At least this is my sense since FI is Hindu Sindhi and his father, mother, some uncles and aunts experienced the Parition first hand.... fleeing in the night and living as refugees in Mumbai.

When it comes to culture and family, regardless of whether Indian or not, you have to pick your battles. There are times when FI locks horns with his family and there's times when he decides it isn't worth the fight.

As for me, I support whatever FI wants to do when it comes to his family.... religious or culturally. If FI wishes to observe certain rituals, I'm ok with it (hence why we're having a Hindu wedding). If he doesn't, at least I know he'll tell them no.

My B&M: Having our practice admin work the front desk is kinda challenging. Can't wait until our new person starts and gets the hang of things!

DFWIndian · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_bm-tuesday-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:819dc6c6-e351-489a-bd9b-2101c7c3a07bPost:7bdbaf0e-6503-4d2e-a20c-5aef377c0ba1">Re: BM Tuesday</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so sorry it's getting ugly. Hang in there..... you're almost to the goal! *hugs* It's very hard to manage with the "this is how it is done in India" commentary and the religion excuse. Even though R doesn't identify as being Hindu, the socioculture perspective is he is born Hindu and will always be Hindu.... any kids he has are also Hindu. Even FI says he's Hindu by birth.... however, on a good day he's an Agnostic Hindu, on a very bad day (ie, when a relative irks him to no end), he's a flat-out Atheist. Also, since you said his language is Sindhi, I'll assume he's Sindhi, and Hindu Sindhis (especially older ones) at times are sensitive about making sure tradition is preserved; it comes from the fact that Hindu Sindhis no longer have a homeland... it was lost during the Paritioning of India. At least this is my sense since FI is Hindu Sindhi and his father, mother, some uncles and aunts experienced the Parition first hand.... fleeing in the night and living as refugees in Mumbai. When it comes to culture and family, regardless of whether Indian or not, you have to pick your battles. There are times when FI locks horns with his family and there's times when he decides it isn't worth the fight. As for me, I support whatever FI wants to do when it comes to his family.... religious or culturally. If FI wishes to observe certain rituals, I'm ok with it (hence why we're having a Hindu wedding). If he doesn't, at least I know he'll tell them no. My B&M: Having our practice admin work the front desk is kinda challenging. Can't wait until our new person starts and gets the hang of things!
Posted by AquarianDragon[/QUOTE]

Very good way of putting it!

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