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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are
Hi! My brother-in-law is getting married in August. My MIL and I do not get along. She just addressed the wedding invitations and low and behold, ours came addressed to my husband and 4 year old daughter - NOT me. I think this is incredibly tacky. I have no beef with the couple getting married, and as far as I can tell, they have no beef with me. I don't want to make my husband miss his only brother's wedding, and my daughter is actually in the wedding, but I feel like my husband should either politely decline (which he has offered to do) or the couple should intervene or SOMETHING should happen here. What is the correct way to approach this situation from an etiquette standpoint?
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Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are
Still here and still fabulous!
That aside, if someone is going to speak up about this it needs to be your husband since it's his family. What does your husband think about the whole situation?
And you're right, it's not okay to leave a spouse off of a wedding invitation. Your MIL was WAY out of line. No matter what her beef is with you she doesn't have the right to do what she did. It's not her wedding and it's rude to seperate a social unit
That was horrendously rude, and it sounds like your MIL had some doing in this if there is no beef with you and BIL. I would have H talk to his brother, but if he has volunteered to not go if you're not invited, then I would say take him up on that offer.
ETA: I agree that BIL may have no idea how the invitation was handled. Hopefully once he realizes it, he will say that you are most definitely invited as well.
[QUOTE]If it were me, I'd want my husband to call his brother and ask what happened. He needs to reiterate that you are a family unit and that if you aren't invited, neither he nor your daughter will attend. If your MIL addressed the invitations, then he needs to have a talk with her, too. I don't think this is an 'etiquette' question, it's a boundaries question.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]
All this. I'm going to hope your BIL had nothing to do with it and apologizes profusely, so then your H will only have a bone to pick with his mother (since it sounds like there's already some ill will there)
[QUOTE]That's awful and really hurtful. My first reaction would be to flip, but it seems like they are looking for a fight here. I would not say a single word about it. Just send your husband and daugther, as the invitation was addressed. This might be one of those occassions where you will really rise to the top by being the bigger person. I might have H casually mention it to his brother if the opportunity presented itself.
Posted by mlperkins12[/QUOTE]
<div>I could not disagree more with this. They are a married couple and a family unit. They are invited as such or they don't go. This is definitely a hill for DH to die on - how much more blatant can you get for a disrespectful slap in the face. If they ignore this, OP's MIL will only get worse as time goes on. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm also in the camp of betting the couple has no idea MIL did this. They need to be notified asap. Oh to be a fly on the wall when OP's BIL asks his mom WTF she was thinking. Now..if the couple does know about this that is a whole other story and for sure OP's husband and child should not attend.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm still thinking MIL is at the heart of this matter and I will be anxiously awaiting an update on this one!</div>
[QUOTE]<strong>Why is your MIL sending out the invitations to someone else's wedding?</strong> That seems wierd to me. That aside, if someone is going to speak up about this it needs to be your husband since it's his family. What does your husband think about the whole situation? And you're right, it's not okay to leave a spouse off of a wedding invitation. Your MIL was WAY out of line. No matter what her beef is with you she doesn't have the right to do what she did. It's not her wedding and it's rude to seperate a social unit
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]
Because maybe she is hosting her son's wedding.
Your husband needs to speak with his mother and brother pronto. It may even be that his brother did not know about this occuring, especially if his mother took the guest list and addressed the invites herself.
It is very nice that your husband has offered to decline the invite since you were not included, it shows that he has your back and is willing to miss his only brother's wedding in support of you. But like you, I wouldn't want him to decline and miss the wedding.
However, from the sound of it, it seems very likely that your BIL and his fiance didn't know that MIL didn't include you, so I'd have your H call his brother first to calmly clarify the situation, and then have a stern talk to his mom about boundaries and respect.
[QUOTE]That's awful and really hurtful. My first reaction would be to flip, but it seems like they are looking for a fight here. I would not say a single word about it. Just send your husband and daugther, as the invitation was addressed. This might be one of those occassions where you will really rise to the top by being the bigger person. I might have H casually mention it to his brother if the opportunity presented itself.
Posted by mlperkins12[/QUOTE]
I think in this case traditional etiquette (to not question the guest list and just politely decline if you don't agree with who is invited) is trumped by family relationships. OP skipping the wedding and not saying a word will reassure the MIL that ignoring and excluding OP is ok and will be accepted. If it's confirmed that this was an intentional slight on the part of the couple (and not just the MIL being a pill), I'd be declining and pulling the daughter's attendance, and telling them exactly why. It's one thing to keep quiet for the sake of getting along with family, but it's quite another to just roll over and take being treated badly and disrespected.
[QUOTE]That's awful and really hurtful. My first reaction would be to flip, but it seems like they are looking for a fight here. I would not say a single word about it. Just send your husband and daugther, as the invitation was addressed. This might be one of those occassions where you will really rise to the top by being the bigger person. I might have H casually mention it to his brother if the opportunity presented itself.
Posted by mlperkins12[/QUOTE]
<div>I disagree that she should send the husband and daughter. Yes, they are looking for a fight, but there are OTHER ways to rise to the occasion and be a bigger person than to allow that sort of behavior. I think the husband should call the BIL and ask if there was some sort of error in addressing the invitations to only him and the daughter. If he say s"Yes, there was" then the issue is now the BIL's to handle as the MIL is meddling in his wedding. If the answer is "No, not an issue". Then the only necessary response is to RSVP no and send a lovely card and gift to the couple.</div>
I do agree w/ PP. Your DH needs to have a talke with his brother and FI ASAP and find out. If they have no clue, then DH and BIL need to have a talk w/ MIL ASAP. There is absolutley no reason for her not to have addressed your name on the invite. If my ILs did that to me, my DH would chew them out a new ahole.
[QUOTE]I would avoid threats like pulling the daughter out of the wedding. Have H talk to his brother. If it was an oversight, no worries. If it was a slight, let H decide if he wants to attend alone and the two of you can decide if you still want DD in the wedding. Don't blackmail them into doing the right thing.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
IMO I don't think it should be considered blackmail in the unlikely instance that they feel the need to take their daughter out of the wedding. I wouldn't want any of us to go at all either way if they felt forced to change their mind. But to let her stay a part of it would be to show tacit approval for being completely disrespected as a family unit. The family needs to be united in their disapproval of this treatment to send a clear message based on principle that it will not be tolerated. And I'm sure that if the daughter was old enough to understand she would not want to be involved in a wedding where her mom was intentionally snubbed. But I doubt the H's brother knows anyway and it was probably just a sneaky, petty ploy by the MIL.
[QUOTE]If it turns out that you're truly not invited, I don't think your husband and daughter should attend -- no matter how much you don't want him to miss his brother's wedding. This would set a terrible precedent for the future and undermine your relationship.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
I agree. I'm guessing your BIL has no clue this happened though.
Teachery Blog
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are : I don't think taking DD out is blackmail either. I think saying, "if you don't invite my wife, then daughter isn't going to be in the wedding and I am not coming," is. If OP is not invited, then H can decline the invite for him and pull the daughter.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
Right. That makes sense.
OP, I feel for your husband: He's been put between a rock and a hard place with two important women in his life.
[QUOTE]That's awful and really hurtful. My first reaction would be to flip, but it seems like they are looking for a fight here. I would not say a single word about it. Just send your husband and daugther, as the invitation was addressed. This might be one of those occassions where you will really rise to the top by being the bigger person. I might have H casually mention it to his brother if the opportunity presented itself.
Posted by mlperkins12[/QUOTE]
Sorry, no.
I love my brother. He's my only sibling and we're pretty close. But if I was being forced to choose between him and my husband, my spouse wins everytime. That's the way it should be between your spouse and ANYONE.
If the husband has to burn bridges with his immediate family, too bad, so sad, but it's their fault to begin with. And I'd rather be on the outs with my blood relatives than with my spouse!
40/112
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Invited To Wedding But Husband & Daughter Are : Sorry, no. I love my brother. He's my only sibling and we're pretty close. But if I was being forced to choose between him and my husband, my spouse wins everytime. That's the way it should be between your spouse and ANYONE. If the husband has to burn bridges with his immediate family, too bad, so sad, but it's their fault to begin with. And I'd rather be on the outs with my blood relatives than with my spouse!
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
Slightly off topic but I just had to thank you merymac cause I only have one brother too and it irritates me so much when my family says "you two are all you've got". They act like even though I will be married soon no one ever matters as much as blood but I disagree and it's good to see that I'm not alone.
[QUOTE]OP - please come back and update us!
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]<div>So I tried to email future SIL to address the situation and she refused to even write me back!!! How rude is that? Now my husband is saying that I should send them an email saying that I will voluntarily not go to their wedding because the conflict between me and MIL will cause a "distraction." What the ??? I am so ticked off ladies, I don't know what to do. There is NO WAY I AM WRITING THAT EMAIL. I'm pretty sure I am in the right here. What should I do?
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