Wedding Party

Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input

So my one bridesmaid has been my friend for about 10 years now and we have known each other for even longer, we were really close in our teen years but we have kinda grown apart (and by grown apart I really mean I've grown up and she can still be really immature), but my mom insisted that I have her be part of the bridal party so I asked her to be and she said yes.

But now I'm having second thoughts and almost wish I could undo it... she doesn't have money to buy her dress and apparently didn't realize that it was part of her job to do so when she said yes... so my mom has said she would buy her dress because my sister is not in my wedding and my mom would have bought my sister's dress. I'm worried that my friend will act up and do something like start poking people at the reception because she is bored or that she just won't act very mature.

Now here is the tricky part, a week ago I told her that I needed her to go get sized ASAP so that I can order her dress and she still hasn't gotten back to me. I need to order the dress by June 9th because they take 8-12 weeks to come in which puts me right up against my wedding date which isn't cool. I think the dresses should be in at least a few weeks before jic they need altered. So do I say something again to her? I've already had a few other issues with her with things and I'm secretely hoping that she doesn't get sized in time, so that I don't have to order the dress and then it wouldn't be on me when she won't be able to be in the wedding... but I feel horrible for wishing that she weren't...  any suggestions/feedback/comments?

Re: Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input

  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issues-help-need-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:400bb595-96e1-4cc9-bc63-51a0dc5e6018Post:ca65ac0c-d50d-41ad-b827-ea96d0462086">Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my one bridesmaid has been my friend for about 10 years now and we have known each other for even longer, we were really close in our teen years but we have kinda grown apart (and by grown apart I really mean I've grown up and she can still be really immature), but my mom insisted that I have her be part of the bridal party so I asked her to be and she said yes. But now I'm having second thoughts and almost wish I could undo it... she doesn't have money to buy her dress and apparently didn't realize that it was part of her job to do so when she said yes... so my mom has said she would buy her dress because my sister is not in my wedding and my mom would have bought my sister's dress. I'm worried that my friend will act up and do something like start poking people at the reception because she is bored or that she just won't act very mature. Now here is the tricky part, a week ago I told her that I needed her to go get sized ASAP so that I can order her dress and she still hasn't gotten back to me and I need to order the dress by June 9th because they take 8-12 weeks to come in which puts me right up against my wedding date which isn't cool, I think the dresses should be in at least a few weeks before jic they need altered. So do I say something again to her? I've already had a  few other issues with her with things and I'm secretely hoping that she doesn't get sized in time, so that I don't have to order the dress and then it wouldn't be on me when she won't be able to be in the wedding... but I feel horrible for wishing that she weren't...  any suggestions/feedback/comments?
    Posted by jbraun21[/QUOTE]
    I'd send her a text/email/FB message (whichever she's most likely to check), along the lines of, "Hey, just a friendly reminder that XX is the very last day you can get measured for your dress.  Otherwise, you'll have to try to find one used if you're still interested in being in the wedding."  That lets her know the information she needs in a written form (both for the record and for easier reference), and it gives her a heads up that she'll be removing herself if she doesn't, since getting the dress and showing up are the two things a BM absolutely has to do.

    Since you're having her in the wedding to keep the peace with your mom, I'd also either CC her on the message or forward it to her, so she's aware of the situation.  If you think you can have the conversation without it descending into an argument from either side, I'd also let your mom know that this is as much reminding about the dress as you feel comfortable doing, but she's welcome to continue to do so.  That way she doesn't try to pin it on you if the BM doesn't get the dress.

    As far as the reception, presumably she'll still be attending as a guest if she can't get the dress in time.  But remember, you're going to be so busy with your hosting duties (and hopefully on such a happiness buzz) that you're really not going to notice anything that your guests do.  So don't worry too much about how she might behave.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issues-help-need-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:400bb595-96e1-4cc9-bc63-51a0dc5e6018Post:ca65ac0c-d50d-41ad-b827-ea96d0462086">Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my one bridesmaid has been my friend for about 10 years now and we have known each other for even longer, we were really close in our teen years but we have kinda grown apart (and by grown apart I really mean I've grown up and she can still be really immature), but my mom insisted that I have her be part of the bridal party so I asked her to be and she said yes. But now I'm having second thoughts and almost wish I could undo it... she doesn't have money to buy her dress and apparently didn't realize that it was part of her job to do so when she said yes... so my mom has said she would buy her dress because my sister is not in my wedding and my mom would have bought my sister's dress. <strong>I'm worried that my friend will act up and do something like start poking people at the reception because she is bored or that she just won't act very mature</strong>. Now here is the tricky part, a week ago I told her that I needed her to go get sized ASAP so that I can order her dress and she still hasn't gotten back to me. I need to order the dress by June 9th because they take 8-12 weeks to come in which puts me right up against my wedding date which isn't cool. I think the dresses should be in at least a few weeks before jic they need altered. So do I say something again to her? I've already had a few other issues with her with things and I'm secretely hoping that she doesn't get sized in time, so that I don't have to order the dress and then it wouldn't be on me when she won't be able to be in the wedding... but I feel horrible for wishing that she weren't...  any suggestions/feedback/comments?
    Posted by jbraun21[/QUOTE]

    You honestly think that this friend will poke people during your reception because she is bored?  Wow.

  • If you're letting your mom dictate who is in your WP, I don't think you're quite as grown up as you claim.  Either way, like Aerin said, email her the deadline and info and then see if she follows through.  If she doesn't, she has removed herself from the WP. 

    And do you mean physically poke people at the reception?  I'm trying to wrap my head around a presumably adult bridesmaid doing this... 
    image
  • How old are you and how old is this bridesmaid?
    Anniversary
  • I wonder if she's been properly tested for adult ADHD or autism spectrum.  While I think that both of those tend to get overdiagnosed, it might be a possibility.  I have a friend who does the "I'm bored so I'm going to poke you in the arm and say 'Poke'" thing, and it's not really anything to do with his maturity.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issues-help-need-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:400bb595-96e1-4cc9-bc63-51a0dc5e6018Post:1b892307-504b-459b-aae0-7fb7845b9756">Re: Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wonder if she's been properly tested for adult ADHD or autism spectrum.  While I think that both of those tend to get overdiagnosed, it might be a possibility.  I have a friend who does the "I'm bored so I'm going to poke you in the arm and say 'Poke'" thing, and it's not really anything to do with his maturity.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    Yes that's exactly what she does and I don't think she ever has been tested but I know her brother does have autism so it is possible.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issues-help-need-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:400bb595-96e1-4cc9-bc63-51a0dc5e6018Post:baf9cd4b-81df-4d01-a4ae-ca58e9446b31">Re: Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you're letting your mom dictate who is in your WP, I don't think you're quite as grown up as you claim.  Either way, like Aerin said, email her the deadline and info and then see if she follows through.  If she doesn't, she has removed herself from the WP.  And do you mean physically poke people at the reception?  I'm trying to wrap my head around a presumably adult bridesmaid doing this... 
    Posted by Girlie1030[/QUOTE]

    It's not just to make my mom happy it's that she honestly is a really good friend and we have been through a lot together. I like the deadline idea and I'll just tell her that I need all the dresses to be ordered by June 9th and then it won't be like I'm singling her out. And yes I mean physically poke people at the reception, she does at times in like church or whatnot which is what leads me to believe that she might at the reception.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issues-help-need-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:400bb595-96e1-4cc9-bc63-51a0dc5e6018Post:a143caa5-a535-40bd-b1ca-ee6905858a42">Re: Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input</a>:
    [QUOTE]How old are you and how old is this bridesmaid?
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    I'm almost 25 and she is almost 22.
  • edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issues-help-need-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:400bb595-96e1-4cc9-bc63-51a0dc5e6018Post:0d855a93-fea5-4a13-a41f-8592cc0b42c1">Re: Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input : I'd send her a text/email/FB message (whichever she's most likely to check), along the lines of, "Hey, just a friendly reminder that XX is the very last day you can get measured for your dress.  Otherwise, you'll have to try to find one used if you're still interested in being in the wedding."  That lets her know the information she needs in a written form (both for the record and for easier reference), and it gives her a heads up that she'll be removing herself if she doesn't, since getting the dress and showing up are the two things a BM absolutely has to do. Since you're having her in the wedding to keep the peace with your mom, I'd also either CC her on the message or forward it to her, so she's aware of the situation.  If you think you can have the conversation without it descending into an argument from either side, I'd also let your mom know that this is as much reminding about the dress as you feel comfortable doing, but she's welcome to continue to do so.  That way she doesn't try to pin it on you if the BM doesn't get the dress. As far as the reception, presumably she'll still be attending as a guest if she can't get the dress in time.  But remember, you're going to be so busy with your hosting duties (and hopefully on such a happiness buzz) that you're really not going to notice anything that your guests do.  So don't worry too much about how she might behave.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    I like this suggestion of giving her a time frame of when I need the sizes by, and I'll just tell her that I am asking that everyone has their dress ordered by then too so that it's not like I am singling her out.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issues-help-need-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:400bb595-96e1-4cc9-bc63-51a0dc5e6018Post:7a6a01f7-85c4-4c82-9ac2-2c763b83bcc7">Re: Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input : I'm almost 25 and she is almost 22.
    Posted by jbraun21[/QUOTE]

    So you're 24 and she's 21?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issues-help-need-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:400bb595-96e1-4cc9-bc63-51a0dc5e6018Post:d13feb35-f8f5-4a06-947f-176d821ae4ce">Re: Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid issues HELP!!! Need input : So you're 24 and she's 21?
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    Yes for a few more weeks anyway.
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