invited guests bringing random guests

jennxrocks · January 2012

HELP! Ok, my fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, so our budget is tight. We have some people we are inviting who are "single". We don't want the single people, to bring random strangers to our wedding or random "dates". We also don't want any children at the wedding (except for immediate family). How do we get that point across without sounding like (insert curse word here)? How do we handle this? Would the best approach be to address the invitations strictly to the person invited and then don't leave a spot to mark "and guest"? Any advice? I don't want to be rude.

amhill87 · January 2012

And what happens if during the time between now and your wedding the "single" people become "attached"

adamar15 · January 2012

Address the invitations to the people you want to invite. Simple. Avoid things like "and family."

annakb8 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invited-guests-bringing-random-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c525645e-c9fd-4812-863c-d66d8f7b02c2Post:d3ee8d95-5761-43b3-ac2a-c5f14abcdd35">Re: invited guests bringing random guests</a>:
[QUOTE]Address the invitations to the people you want to invite. Simple. Avoid things like "and family."
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes. This is not that hard.

</div>

adamar15 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invited-guests-bringing-random-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c525645e-c9fd-4812-863c-d66d8f7b02c2Post:5ff6271a-fc76-4bb0-a1a0-9f49f828e64e">Re: invited guests bringing random guests</a>:
[QUOTE]And what happens if during the time between now and your wedding the "single" people become "attached"
Posted by amhill87[/QUOTE]

If you find out they are in a relationship and you can fit the extra people it would be nice to extend the invitation to their partner. If you know they are in a relationship before invitations go out you should include them on the invitation by name.

specialk84 · January 2012

Ditto Adamar. Please leave enough room in your budget to accommodate dates if your single guests find themselves in a relationship between now and your wedding.

Note: A "relationship" is however they define themselves. Refusing to invite someone's boyfriend because you haven't met him or because they've only been together five months is not cool.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

For the no kids thing, address the invite to "Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Smith." On the RSVP card, include a line that says something like "__ of ___ guests attending," and pre-fill in the number 2 on the second blank, so it's clear that only 2 guests are invited. If John and Jane try to RSVP with their kids, just call them back, apologize for the confusion, and tell them the invite was only for John and Jane, not Suzy, Billy, and Tommy.

As for the single-people thing: It's okay to invite truly single people without a guest. Just address the invite to "Mr. Jack Doe" and then put "___ of _(1)_ guests attending" on the RSVP card. If, however, Jack gets a girlfriend a week before the invitations go out, you have to invite her. And I have a feeling you're going to start in with the "But I don't know Jack's g/f, I don't want a bunch of strangers at my wedding" line, but it's incredibly rude not to invite someone's significant other, no matter how new the relationship is.

jemmini6 · January 2012

If they are truly single by the time invitations go out, address the invite only to your guest. If they respond with a +1, call them and let them know that unfortunately, you cannot accomodate extra guests, but you hope to see them there.

maribeth721 · January 2012

Just don't include "and guest" on the invitation

cindyn9178 · January 2012

I can totally understand not wanting random dates at your wedding - especially when you are paying for it yourselves. I wouldn't invite anybody with a guest if you haven't personally met their partner. (I know some people think that is rude, but it is how I feel). Sometimes there are family members who have a new boyfriend every week, and there is no reason for the them to bring their flavor of the week to your wedding.

In your situation, I would personally make the cut off for partners that you have never met, because chances are, if you have never met the boyfriend or girlfriend, then you either aren't that close to the person in the first place, or they are in a very new relationship. Just send the invitation addressed to your friend and do not leave a place for 'and guest'. Be prepared that some people may be offended by that, and you might need to explain to them why their partner isn't invited.

If somebody is single now, there is absolutely no reason you need to leave space in your guest list and budget to add a guest for them if they begin dating someone between now and the date of your wedding. That is absurd.

Once in awhile there is a single person invited that won't know anybody else at the wedding - if you have this situation, you could include a plus one for them, so they won't feel totally out of place. But chances are, if they won't know anybody else at the wedding, even with a date, they might not come. (I wouldn't).

There were 3 single people invited to our wedding. One engaged, so her fiance was invited. The other two did not have boyfriends at the time, but we included a plus one for them, and learned from that mistake. The one girl did not bring anybody, but the other girl brought a random guy, who showed up to our wedding wearing jeans. They spent a half hour in the bathroom, never said hello to us (and she never introduced him to us), and then they left immediately after dinner. It was a complete waste of $100 per plate that could've been used for somebody else.

tpender13 · January 2012

Personalized RSVPs would help in this situation. I had the RSVPs printed and then wrote in names, so they looked like this.

Jane Smith chicken__ beef__ declines__
John Smith chicken__ beef__ declines__

You may have to call some people who will write in extra people. Just say something like "I'm really sorry Jane, but the invitation was only for you and John. We won't be able to accommodate Billy and Susie. I hope you're still able to make it! If not, you'll be missed."

Starfish0116 · January 2012

Only address the invitation to the person who is invited.

Re: Single People and guests. I always hate when people say, "we're on a budget". EVERYONE is on a budget, some people just have a higher budget - it doesn't mean they aren't on one. I'm on a budget. My dad is foot the bill for half the wedding (his contribution is a set amount, and we're choosing to match that amount out of our own pocket). Trust me, the thought of inviting every single friend with a +1 doesn't exactly thrill me. It's costing a fortune.

BUT....I've been the single person at a wedding. IT SUCKS. FI travels for work, and there are a lot of weddings that I attend solo because he is not in town. Granted, I would never bring a random person in his place (I rsvp for just me) but it still sucks. I'm an outgoing person, but even I feel uncomfortable at weddings alone. I don't want any of my guests to feel out of place or uncomfortable because they were forced to attend alone.

alexisantonucci · January 2012

The only time you are required by etiquette to invite "dates" is if the person is married, engaged, or in a serious long term relationship. For all of those people that want to bring a date or become "attached" before the wedding, let them know that if anyone cannot make it they can bring their date in that empty spot. If you're concerned about the type of date they're going to bring, ask to meet the person first. Worried that they might be offended? Offer to set up a double date or a group hang out so you can see what this date is like.

MyNameIsNot · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invited-guests-bringing-random-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c525645e-c9fd-4812-863c-d66d8f7b02c2Post:694f4611-83eb-48a3-a32a-127270f549a5">Re: invited guests bringing random guests</a>:
[QUOTE]I can totally understand not wanting random dates at your wedding - especially when you are paying for it yourselves. <strong>I wouldn't invite anybody with a guest if you haven't personally met their partner. (I know some people think that is rude, but it is how I feel)</strong>. Sometimes there are family members who have a new boyfriend every week, and there is no reason for the them to bring their flavor of the week to your wedding. In your situation, I would personally make the cut off for partners that you have never met, because chances are, if you have never met the boyfriend or girlfriend, then you either aren't that close to the person in the first place, or they are in a very new relationship. Just send the invitation addressed to your friend and do not leave a place for 'and guest'. Be prepared that some people may be offended by that, and you might need to explain to them why their partner isn't invited. If somebody is single now, there is absolutely no reason you need to leave space in your guest list and budget to add a guest for them if they begin dating someone between now and the date of your wedding. <strong>That is absurd. </strong>
Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

<div>People don't think it is rude, they know it is rude. </div><div>
</div><div>It is most certainly not absurd. What would be absurd would be having to go over budget or make cuts in order to find the space for new significant others, when any idiot knows that a single guest could become attached at any moment.</div>

kmmssg · January 2012

Ditto myname. It is absurd and rude to determine the validity and worth of someone's relationship based on whether or not you have met their partner. Just because you haven't met a coworkers SO or FI doesn't mean it is ok to split them up. That is just crazy.

OP - keep wiggle room in your budget. You are far enough out that some of your single guests could end up being in a relationship and you need to invite their partner.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invited-guests-bringing-random-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c525645e-c9fd-4812-863c-d66d8f7b02c2Post:f7a31ba8-ca0f-4163-9fa8-52913d8cbf9d">Re: invited guests bringing random guests</a>:
[QUOTE]The only time you are required by etiquette to invite "dates" is if the person is married, engaged, or in a serious long term relationship. For all of those people that want to bring a date or become "attached" before the wedding, let them know that if anyone cannot make it they can bring their date in that empty spot. If you're concerned about the type of date they're going to bring, ask to meet the person first. Worried that they might be offended? Offer to set up a double date or a group hang out so you can see what this date is like.
Posted by alexisantonucci[/QUOTE]

<div>This is the worst etiquette advice ever, just FYI. It's not your place to decide whose relationship is "serious enough" to be worthy of a plus-one at your wedding, and you could really, really hurt your friends' feelings by judging them in this way (I should know, this happened to me once and it seriously hurt my feelings and insulted me). I just don't understand how you could care about someone enough to invite them to your wedding, but then not care enough about them to allow them to bring their significant other to you wedding.</div>

BinxRose · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invited-guests-bringing-random-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c525645e-c9fd-4812-863c-d66d8f7b02c2Post:f7a31ba8-ca0f-4163-9fa8-52913d8cbf9d">Re: invited guests bringing random guests</a>:
[QUOTE]The only time you are required by etiquette to invite "dates" is if the person is married, engaged, or in a serious long term relationship. For all of those people that want to bring a date or become "attached" before the wedding, let them know that if anyone cannot make it they can bring their date in that empty spot. If you're concerned about the type of date they're going to bring, ask to meet the person first. Worried that they might be offended? Offer to set up a double date or a group hang out so you can see what this date is like.
Posted by alexisantonucci[/QUOTE]

This is terrible advice, and so was cindy's.

Make room in your budget for everyone to have a date if they start dating someone. If by the time your invites go out and a guest is not seeing anyone, then you don't need to add "and date." But it is incredibly rude to judge how serious someone's relationship is, nor is it even your place.

When I was 22, living on my own in college, I had been dating my boyfriend for just a couple months. My cousin not only tacked me on to my parents' invitation, but also did not invite my boyfriend. Of course she had never met him, we lived on opposite sides of the state, and that boyfriend was/is in the military. Well guess what? That boyfriend is now my fiancé. So do NOT judge how serious a relationship is.

ktsann · January 2012

I was reading this thread because I was wondering too about people bringing guests. I am sorry, but there is no way that I am going to leave room in my budget and venue for people's guests. I would rather have people invited that I know and love than saving room in my budget and room in the venue for people that I barely know. If someone becomes a part of a serious relationship, than they can call me and we can work something out, but I am not leaving room in my budget and venue for the thought of the single people becoming part of a serious relationship. For me, I would rather put the money towards something that benefits the majority rather than the minority.

sbelle85 · January 2012

Many (most) people on this board feel differently, and many will try to tell you that their opinion trumps professional etiquette sources, but most professional etiquette sources do dictate that the only guests who "must" get a date invitation are those who are married, engaged, or in a serious long-term relationship. I would also add the bridal party to this, because as members of the wedding they are obligated to attend and don't have the option of choosing not to come like most guests do.

If you have friends who are single (not in a relationship), you're not obligated to let them invite a friend or to make last minute accommodations with your caterer or venue if they start dating someone a week before your wedding. If you choose not to give them a "plus one" and they feel uncomfortable attending without a guest, they're absolutely free to decline the invitation. No one is forcing anyone to attend.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/04/fashion/weddings/04WELLMANNERED.html

jennxrocks · January 2012

I guess the reason I am asking this question is because I know someone (who is coincidentally invited to my wedding), and she is married. She was invited to a wedding and allowed a guest because she is married. Well her husband didnt want to go so she decided to bring someone who wasn't invited to the wedding, but knows the bride and groom. Ok.... you weren't invited, but you think it's ok to be someone's plus one? I think that is such poor wedding ettiquette but how do you address that to someone? I had to already tell one of my bridesmaids not to bring a girlfriend I have never met as her date to my wedding like she did to my engagement party. A boyfriend that's fine. Don't search to find anyone just so you don't have to go alone.

Am I wrong for thinking that way?

jennxrocks · January 2012

Again, just to be clear. It's not a problem of people having boyfriends or whatever, just people looking for ANYONE to go with them.

invited guests bringing random guests

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