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Future MIL making things difficult

Our plans were to go to Vegas and get married, since my fiance and myself could not afford to have a wedding. We figured that we would invite everyone, and whoever chose to go, could go. Then we could celebrate our honeymoon at the same time after family and friends left. My mother said wherever I decided to marry, she would be there. My fiance mother told him she would not go to vegas, as she was scared to fly, and did not want to make the drive. She told him she would never forgive him (and told someone else she would disown him) if he were to go to vegas. My fiance mother told him that if we stayed she would help out. He gave in without talking to me and said that we would stay and get married. I have been very upset that this could be done. Although I do not mind staying, we financially cant afford to have a wedding here, but with help, I would be happy to stay. I was hurt and bothered that a mother can do that to her son, and make him feel so guilty. When I confronted her, and told her my mother said she would support me no matter where I chose to marry,she became upset and said I was rude and hurt her feelings, and that I was throwing it in her face that my mother would go. She then told my fiance that she cant go becasue she is sick. Now she is throwing the sick card out there. After all this, I have gave in, and bit my tongue. She now has not offered to help financially like she said she would if we stayed. She will only help if we marry in her church (which I am a completely different religion) we decided to do nondenominational, and she refuses to help anymore. We financially cant do this, and have already picked my dress, and much more. Can someone please help me on how to go about asking for help. I am done with the vegas thing. It is a sore subject and I have had alot of grief about it. Thank you.

Re: Future MIL making things difficult

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-mil-making-things-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:40978b30-1e96-46f8-a7dc-cca1d1d7b245Post:48c56321-c0d2-4f01-b834-ef53fac15c24">Future MIL making things difficult</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our plans were to go to Vegas and get married, since my fiance and myself could not afford to have a wedding. We figured that we would invite everyone, and whoever chose to go, could go. Then we could celebrate our honeymoon at the same time after family and friends left. My mother said wherever I decided to marry, she would be there. My fiance mother told him she would not go to vegas, as she was scared to fly, and did not want to make the drive. She told him she would never forgive him (and told someone else she would disown him) if he were to go to vegas. My fiance mother told him that if we stayed she would help out. He gave in without talking to me and said that we would stay and get married. I have been very upset that this could be done. Although I do not mind staying, we financially cant afford to have a wedding here, but with help, I would be happy to stay. I was hurt and bothered that a mother can do that to her son, and make him feel so guilty. When I confronted her, and told her my mother said she would support me no matter where I chose to marry,she became upset and said I was rude and hurt her feelings, and that I was throwing it in her face that my mother would go. She then told my fiance that she cant go becasue she is sick. Now she is throwing the sick card out there. After all this, I have gave in, and bit my tongue. She now has not offered to help financially like she said she would if we stayed. She will only help if we marry in her church (which I am a completely different religion) we decided to do nondenominational, and she refuses to help anymore. We financially cant do this, and have already picked my dress, and much more. Can someone please help me on how to go about asking for help. I am done with the vegas thing. It is a sore subject and I have had alot of grief about it. Thank you.
    Posted by camerongregory[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Never count on money until it is in your bank account.  You need to cancel anything you can now, and just deal with the loss.</div><div>
    </div><div>If you really want to get married, you can just go to the courthouse.  However, that seems like a really bad idea.  This guy has already shown that his mother comes before you.  That is a huge red flag.  He is not ready for marriage.  You'd do better to just put the whole thing on hold and wait for him to cut the cord.  

    </div>
  • edited August 2012
    Thank you for your response, but I dont think that he meant to hurt anyones feelings. He is a very good man. He has 2 kids, and so do I. He hates hurting anyones feelings, and tries his hardest to make everyone happy. I dont think he meant to betray me at all. Never have I felt so loved as well as my children. I just think that it happened quickly, and he didnt mean to hurt me. In my opinion, he was single for so long, that he just did everything she asked of him and never told her no. I think in her mind she can still control him. Although I have put my foot down to everything she has tried, this has been a first where she has won. She is very manipulative and controlling. I am slowly learning her ways, but NEVER would I cancel our wedding. I have found the love of my life, who not only treats me, but my children right. 
  • Plan the wedding you can afford. Cut the guestlist and/or have an afternoon wedding with just cake and punch. Or postpone it until you can afford the guests/food that you want.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-mil-making-things-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:40978b30-1e96-46f8-a7dc-cca1d1d7b245Post:6e342653-17d2-47c8-a044-669f92539a8e">Re: Future MIL making things difficult</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for your response, but I dont think that he meant to hurt anyones feelings. He is a very good man. He has 2 kids, and so do I. He hates hurting anyones feelings, and tries his hardest to make everyone happy. I dont think he meant to betray me at all. Never have I felt so loved as well as my children. I just think that it happened quickly, and he didnt mean to hurt me. In my opinion, he was single for so long, that he just did everything she asked of him and never told her no. I<strong> think in her mind she can still control him.</strong> Although I have put my foot down to everything she has tried, this has been a first where she has won. She is very manipulative and controlling. I am slowly learning her ways, but NEVER would I cancel our wedding. I have found the love of my life, who not only treats me, but my children right. 
    Posted by camerongregory[/QUOTE]

    <div>The problem is that it's not just in her mind.  She is controlling him.  He's letting her wishes trump yours, and it won't end with the wedding.  If he was really putting you first, you never would have been in a situation where you had to confront her.  He should have put his foot down and stopped her before it ever became an issue.  </div><div>
    </div><div>It's your life, and you can do what you want, but marrying this guy as-is is an invitation for MIL problems.  You can blame her if you want, but he's the one who is marrying you, and he's responsible for putting his spouse ahead of his mother, even when it isn't easy.  You need to hold HIM accountable for letting her run all over the both of you.</div>
  • You should be "hurt and bothered" that he agreed to change your wedding plans without asking you. I would not marry this man.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-mil-making-things-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:40978b30-1e96-46f8-a7dc-cca1d1d7b245Post:6e342653-17d2-47c8-a044-669f92539a8e">Re: Future MIL making things difficult</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for your response, but I dont think that he meant to hurt anyones feelings. He is a very good man. He has 2 kids, and so do I. He hates hurting anyones feelings, and <strong>tries his hardest to make everyone happy. </strong>I dont think he meant to betray me at all. Never have I felt so loved as well as my children. I just think that it happened quickly, and he didnt mean to hurt me. In my opinion, he was single for so long, that he just did everything she asked of him and never told her no. I think in her mind she can still control him. Although I have put my foot down to everything she has tried, this has been a first where she has won. She is very manipulative and controlling. I am slowly learning her ways, but NEVER would I cancel our wedding. I have found the love of my life, who not only treats me, but my children right. 
    Posted by camerongregory[/QUOTE]
    This is also called not having a spine.  Your happiness is supposed to come before his mother's.  That's what getting married means.  DH's mother is unstable and manipulative, and he made it very clear from the start that he wouldn't tolerate her meddling in our relationship.<div>
    </div><div>If he's doing things behind your back and making unilateral decisions about something you both need to be doing, he's NOT treating you right.  Not remotely.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also, Vegas ain't remotely cheap.  I don't know why everyone thinks it is; you're looking to spend about $5K minimum just for the ceremony in any of the hotel chapels, and the ceremony's the cheap part.  If your FI gets his head out of his ass enough to sort out his priorities, or if you decide to marry the momma's boy anyway, just go to your local courthouse, and take any witnesses out to a nice meal afterward.</div>
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • If you want to still get married, as others have said, drop anything that has not already been paid for, and go to a court house to get married, and have a small backyard reception or something like that.
    Plan for the wedding you can afford, and make sure you and your FI are on the same page about what you want from here on out.
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  • In Response to Re:Future MIL making things difficult:[QUOTE]Don't marry this guy in any city until you have some serious counseling.nbsp; Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    This. If you marry this guy he will put his mother before you for the rest of your life.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-mil-making-things-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:40978b30-1e96-46f8-a7dc-cca1d1d7b245Post:18c72f06-0ce6-48b8-a5d8-712f16602795">Re: Future MIL making things difficult</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Don't marry this guy in any city until you have some serious counseling.</strong> 
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I was having FI issues, he never wanted to tell his mom no for anything that had to do with this wedding. I finally sat down with him, told her that she wasn't paying for anything and she isn't going to control this wedding. He also wanted to make everyone happy and let his mom walk over him. I finally told him me or her, we were supposed to be getting married and he still had to put mommy in front of me, things changed real quick. We also saw a marriage counselor which was absolutely amazing and helpful, it was great to have a professional outside opinion from someone that deals with this stuff.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-mil-making-things-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:40978b30-1e96-46f8-a7dc-cca1d1d7b245Post:6e342653-17d2-47c8-a044-669f92539a8e">Re: Future MIL making things difficult</a>:
    [QUOTE]He hates hurting anyones feelings, and tries his hardest to make everyone happy.
    Posted by camerongregory[/QUOTE]

    It doesn't seem like he's trying very hard to make YOU happy.  If he doesn't start drawing boundaries with his mother right now, this certainly won't be the last time she interferes or the last time he puts her before you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-mil-making-things-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:40978b30-1e96-46f8-a7dc-cca1d1d7b245Post:6e342653-17d2-47c8-a044-669f92539a8e">Re: Future MIL making things difficult</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for your response, but I dont think that he meant to hurt anyones feelings. He is a very good man. He has 2 kids, and so do I. He hates hurting anyones feelings, and tries his hardest to make everyone happy. I dont think he meant to betray me at all. Never have I felt so loved as well as my children. I just think that it happened quickly, and he didnt mean to hurt me. In my opinion, he was single for so long, that he just did everything she asked of him and never told her no.<strong> I think in her mind she can still control him.</strong> Although I have put my foot down to everything she has tried, this has been a first where she has won. <strong>She is very manipulative and controlling. I am slowly learning her ways, but NEVER would I cancel our wedding. I have found the love of my life, who not only treats me, but my children right. 
    </strong>Posted by camerongregory[/QUOTE]

    Well, you and I have different definitions of being treated right. In any event, you know exactly what you're signing yourself and your kids up for. That means after the wedding, you don't get to complain about being the third wheel in your marriage. You don't get to complain that he's putting mommy ahead of you and ahead of your kids, who have no say in the matter. Saying "I do" means you accept him as he is, and he has proven to you with his actions that his mother is more important to him than you are. I hope you're ready for a lifetime of that.

  • Carson386 - for people that are telling you "get counseling" and "do not marry this man" this is bad advice, unless of course you actually need counseling.


    How can someone say that to someone else from an online message board post? You don't know their relationshipship. Just sounds very harsh me. I'm sorry you're going through this.

    Is it a possibility for you to sit down with your fiance and MIL together and have an open, adult discussion about what has happened and your feelings? I agree your fiance should be putting your feelings first but this is his mother and your future MIL. She isn't going anywhere and she is going to be family soon. There has to be a happy medium. It's not your happiness or hers, its both. Its called compromise and from my understanding thats a huge part of marriage.

  • Sorry put the wrong screen name in my post.
  • Sorry let me clarifiy - I just don't understand how you can assume someone needs counseling when you've never met them.

  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_future-mil-making-things-difficult?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:40978b30-1e96-46f8-a7dc-cca1d1d7b245Post:8d01362b-e169-4841-bcf9-2d9f44f7df89">Re: Future MIL making things difficult</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry let me clarifiy - I just don't understand how you can assume someone needs counseling when you've never met them.
    Posted by SJM7538[/QUOTE]
    Because there are loads of red flags in her post.  From her description, he completely changed the wedding plans without consulting her because that's what his mother wanted.  That is just not something that happens in a healthy relationship.  You don't need to know a person intimately to recognize when they're telling you about something that's troubling.<div>
    </div><div>And really, counseling does not equal "your relationship is on the brink and probably doomed."  It's a really helpful step that provides a neutral and knowledgeable third party to guide couples through the conversations that they absolutely must have before they commit to each other.  Many churches won't perform the ceremony until you've done it.  I think that every couple should at least consider premarital counseling, and unless they can confidently say that they've gone through every possible topic and are on the same page on all of them, it's a good idea to go to at least a session or two.  (And I say this as someone who did have all of those conversations well in advance of the wedding, and so opted not to do it.)  And for a couple who are so clearly NOT on the same page about something as important as parental boundaries, it's more than just a good idea.</div>
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • While I feel it is a little harsh to say that you need counseling or shouldn't marry this guy, you definitely need to sit him down and have a talk with him. In no way should he ever work to make mommy happy before he works to make you happy. The fact that he changed the plans without speaking with you at the drop of a hat because his mother laid a guilt trip on him is a little alarming. Talk to him about it or you will come second to mommy dearest for the rest of your life. That would be complete BS.
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  • Simple, chuck the plans, grab your dress, your best girlfriend and hop on the next flight to vegas - He's going to join you or you and your buddy will have a blast while trying to figure out your next move. Either way he decides if he's in your future, or stuck in his past. Good Luck! 
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