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leavejenbe · February 2010

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bablingbrooke · February 2010

Say you're available if she ever needs help and then sit back and wait for her to call you. Leave it at that. As a former bride you know as well as I do that picking your BMs is a very personal decision and it's wrong for anyone to question it or interfere, no matter how well-intentioned.

gottahavashorti · February 2010

If there is anything you want to do and are comfortable helping with, offer your help. If you dont want to help or aren't comfortable with it, you don't have to.

saxy414 · February 2010

Say you're available if she ever needs help and then sit back and wait for her to call you.

Ditto...I bet she'll really appreciate it since you know how hard it is to plan by yourself. If she asks you about bridesmaid dresses, just politely opt out, and offer to help in another area on another day. You'll still get to share in her day--but as a guest, and it'll still be great :-)

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_much-should-bride-im-not-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:43cfb724-e3b5-43e8-8b16-4ec05b8e8064Post:aafe8c5e-af35-410a-8ecb-fe1e7ac31ef2">How much should I help the bride if I'm not in the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]When I got married I didn't have much help from others (not even my bridesmaids). Now one of my bridesmaids is getting married and she isn't getting much help either. Knowing how difficult it is to plan a wedding, I want to be sure she doesn't have to do it all by herself. I've been helping her a lot and she has been hinting that she wants me to be in the bridal party. But the bride recently sprung it on me that I CAN'T be in her wedding party because it is bad luck in her culture to have a married woman in the bridal party (according to her mom and mother-in-law) and she doesn't want to have to fight the mothers on another issue. I don't want to make things more difficult for her, but I was really hurt (and kinda insulted) by this and now I am wondering to what extent I should continue to help her plan the wedding. I don't think I can take helping all the bridesmaids pick out their dresses when I'm not even one myself! What makes me most upset is that she is one of my really good friends, and I can't share in her special day because I'm married? Like being married myself is such a bad thing? What should I do???
Posted by leavejenbe[/QUOTE]

<div>I can understand why you're feeling so hurt, and honestly, I'd be questioning my friendship with someone if they told me that they were excluding me from something because of a superstition. I'd have to wonder if our friendship really meant that much to her. </div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, being a BM =/= wedding helper. If you want to help, you should be doing so because you want to, not because of your status in her bridal party. If you're uncomfortable helping her plan or doing certain things, don't do those things. If there are things you would like to help with, offer to help with those things. </div>

SarahPLiz · February 2010

You should help her as much as you would help any other good friend. If you were helping her only to be in the WP, then that was wrong on your part. She is still your friend, then do whatever you think is right.

Don't be offended by her cultural norms. SHe has no more control over that than you do.

mbcdefg · February 2010

I've had a lot of people outside my wedding party offer their help. You need not be a BM to help out the bride.

That being said, whether or not you WANT to help is up to you. I totally don't blame you for feeling offended, but it's your decision whether or not to shake it off and help her anyway. I think it's nice if you want to offer her your help, but I also wouldn't blame you if you opted out.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Just out of curiosity, what's her background that it's bad luck to have an already-married person in the WP? I would think that would be good luck...

bablingbrooke · February 2010

That's the background of BMs in general (dress the same as the bride to confuse evil spirits). Oh well. You can try to fight culture but you won't win.

brookelynpaisley · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_much-should-bride-im-not-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:43cfb724-e3b5-43e8-8b16-4ec05b8e8064Post:a6eb364d-9a72-477a-bbd7-41041776fb83">Re: How much should I help the bride if I'm not in the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you hit it on the ball " MyNameIsNot ." I'm hurt because I thought we had a really good friendship but it makes me question what she thinks of our friendship if she's not willing to fight for it (especially since she doesn't believe in the supersition herself). Plus, her mom was just telling me the other day how happy she is that I'm here to help and now she goes back and says I'm not allowed to be in the wedding party. In the beginning when I made a wedding planning book for the bride and went to all the possible venues with her, I never expected to be in the wedding party--I was just being a good friend because I knew nobody else was helping her. In fact, I was giving her advice on how to break it to people that she wasn't going to have as bridesmaids, and I also thought she might only have cousins in the bridal party. But in the past few weeks she has been giving me hints that she wants me in the bridal party and even said I'm more like her maid/matron of honor than her own sister. At one point we talked about who could be her wedding planner and <strong>I mentioned it can't be anyone in her wedding party.</strong> Now I think she might ask me to be the wedding coordinator, but I don't think I'd feel right about that. It would rub it in too much to plan every last detail. Anyway, I know that I'll try my best to be here for her...I think I just need to stop thinking about it. Thanks for all the advice!!
Posted by leavejenbe[/QUOTE]

Why can't it be anyone in the wedding party? Don't take this the wrong way, but it even though you stated this isn't the case, it almost sounds as though you helped her with the expectation she'd make you a bridesmaid. If you want to help out of the goodness of your heart, do so, but don't do it expecting anything in return. The superstition/tradition she's citing is unfortunate, as is her telling you she thinks you'd be a great bridesmaid without asking you to be one. I agree it would be hurtful. I was left out of a very dear (to me) friend's wedding party and it was very hurtful as well as the beginning of the end of our friendship (there was much more to it, the wedding just showed me the difference we had in valuing our friendship), so I assure you I can relate.

Honestly, if you're going to look at being a bridemaid as the reason for doing what you do to help her, just stop. If you can continue to help her and view it as a gift of time and love, then by all means help with whatever you feel comfortable and able to help with.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

Usually a wedding coordinator is a paid position instead of an honor postion, but if you volunteer to do it, then she will probably appreciate it.

ETA: Apparently in her culture, BMs are not necessarily your best friends, but are also unmarried. While the rest of us might not make the distinction, her cultures do. I wouldn't be offended, because not being a BM does not make you not a friend.

brookelynpaisley · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_much-should-bride-im-not-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:43cfb724-e3b5-43e8-8b16-4ec05b8e8064Post:b1cea286-2cda-47b9-ba72-b5816de0185f">Re: How much should I help the bride if I'm not in the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE] P.S. I love the photo in your signature by the way...the dark purple with yellow and white is so pretty!
Posted by leavejenbe[/QUOTE]

Thanks! It's actually lime green, but that pic does look yellow, doesn't it? :)

I understand what you mean about not wanting her to choose someone that she'd rather be able to enjoy the day. Coordinators are helpful, and sites usually provide them. You had an unfortunate circumstance with yours so I can understand the compassion. I would ask her first if her site had a day-of coordinator. There's really no reason to hire one if they do provide someone.

banana468 · February 2010

I'm not going to say much other than I think the ladies here are giving you some great advice!

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_48-hours-im-going-crazy-already-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d61c7302-3dcc-4e5a-b198-0eab4539d78aPost:4f93792a-d593-45b1-b1c9-1ca6200ac843

emilyinchile · February 2010

Why was this deleted?! I am so confused.

banana468 · February 2010

I'm thinking it was because the OP's friend could be a Knottie.

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

Well she deleted before I posted the link; so, I think she just wanted validation.

banana468 · February 2010

Possibly - but she deleted all posts - even the ones that were just conversational.

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

Huh. Who knows.

leavejenbe · February 2010

Is there a way to delete posts? I didn't realize my screenname (since I've had since middle school) would be there and if my friend, the bride, saw the post she might be offended. (She would recognize my screenname beacuse we've been friends since elementary school). I really appreciated all the advice in response to my post. Because of the advice I received from it, I have been able to completely let it go. I'll be there for my friend no matter what and I don't want to even bring up the issue with her because I don't think it would be right to put her in that position. I honestly think she would ask me if she could, but can't due to culture--and it was probably harder for her to break the news to me. Our friendship is just as strong as it ever was!

P.S. To the moderator...I saved the posts and responses. If there is a way I can anonymously repost it, please let me know. I think the responses I received could really help others in similar situation. Thanks!

banana468 · February 2010

I think in this case it's fine.

However if you want, just make a new SN so that you can post without your friend the bride catching on. :-)

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