He proposed, and I said, "YES", but.....

Re: He proposed, and I said, "YES", but.....

• Hummingbird125 member

  

  January 2013 edited January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_he-proposed-and-i-said-yes-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:6432cb79-e1ab-40af-9bb4-e2d4adc4c040Post:5867214a-67a5-4f9d-9caf-991e183f2f1a">He proposed, and I said, "YES", but.....</a>:
  [QUOTE]Okay ladies, My boyfriend of a year proposed officially on Christmas. I say "officially" because he has asked me every month from month 1, but this time it was with a ring. Well, the ring is beautiful, and I was elated, but then I thought to myself, SELF...he is only a teacher, and has bills, so he couldn't afford a 2 to 3 carat ring, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. So that night, I noticed something strange on the inside of the ring.  How about that it said, CHINA and cz925. I thought to myself... Why would he buy me a fake ring? We are close to being 40 years of age, and he knew that I wouldn't ever wear fake jewelry. So, I woke up the next morning to cook breakfast, then he awoke, and I asked him, for the ring box (since he just took the ring out of his pocket),  and told him that I wanted it as a keepsake. Then he said, that he threw it away. Then he mentioned that the ring was 2.39 carats. I asked, "of what" and then he told me that the ring was fake. I wasn't upset... just extremely baffled. He even went on to say, that he paid $400 for it. I told him, that I would rather a $400 gold band, then to flaunt a huge fake ring. He then, became upset and called me materialistic, ungrateful, and inconsiderate because he spent time and money on getting that ring (mind you, he bought it online).  His reasoning was, that it was the principal behind it, and that our marriage is the bigger picture...and,  I get that, but I can't help how I feel. It's not a dealbreaker, but when he mentioned marriage on yesterday, I brought up having trust issues about he whole ring ordeal and another issue (but thats a long story), and he said, that I insulted him, because all I care about was the ring.  Am I being shallow? Any opinions on this issue would be appreciated!! 
  Posted by ibqti[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>Wow. I'll be straight with you - yes, I think you're being ungrateful and materialistic, and if I was your BF/FI, this would probably be enough to make me reconsider spending my life with you. Now, if you've had in-depth discussions with him in the past about what kind of ring you would want, and specified that you wouldn't want a CZ, then I could understand you being a little upset that he got you something he knew you wouldn't want. However, there really is no excuse for making as big of a deal out of it as it sounds like you did. </div><div>
  </div><div>You should accept a marriage proposal because you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with him - not because he bought you the perfect ring. You stated that you knew he couldn't afford it - so he bought you something he could afford. It doesn't sound like he really lied to you, just that you were expecting something different. </div><div>
  </div><div>Honestly, I know age has little to do with maturity, but I would think that by 40, you'd be mature enough to realize that an engagement ring is a special, symbolic, gift - but it isn't very important in the grand scheme of things. You sound very immature.
  
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• ibqti

  

  January 2013 edited January 2013

  Hummingbird...Thanks for your response! My issue with him really is about the deception. If he would have proposed with a string, I would have been as happy, but I would know that I'm wearing a string...because a string is a string! He said, that he paid 400 for the ring, which I'm fine with if that's all he could afford, but for that amount, I would feel more comfortable with a gold band. I'm telling you, the fake ring would be about a 20,000 ring if it were real, and I am not a flashy person, so it would have brought on a lot of attention...lol

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• ibqti

  

  January 2013

  StageManager...thanks for your response! Yes, I would prefer something a little bit my style. He doesn't have to pay a penny more than what he paid for the fake one or it can be less for that matter. I agree that we need to hold off because starting off with deception is not a good sign.

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• jcg23 member

  

  January 2013

  Its good you decided to hold off for a while. I understand. He shouldn't be deceptive. Also I know guys can be rather clueless when it comes to some things we like but I would think he would've some how figured a way to know what kind of rings you like. I am the same way with simplicity. I could be way off here but it seems your "fake ring" might've been a way for him to "prove" he makes enough money( and perhaps wanted you to show it off as a REAL diamond). It sounds a bit like an ego problem. Like I said could be way off here, That being said I am not trying to judge anyones character but perhaps bring the deeper issues to light and I am sorry if I offend you it is most certainly not my intent. I just find it odd that he bought a ring without any sense of your personal style. I hope you can figure it out I wish you the best and hope your counseling goes well.

  Til we wed!

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• jenferian member

  

  January 2013

  I would've been livid. But then, that's me.
  
  I've been proposed to before, in my early 20s, by my college boyfriend. He made under $35k a year, didn't own a car, and lived in a crummy studio apartment. But I was important to him and he knew the ring was important. The diamond was barely half a carat and the ring itself was platinum. He scrimped and saved for months to buy it for me.
  
  CZ wouldn't fly with me. Especially not the part where he deceived you by allowing you to think it real.

  

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• RamonaFlowers member

  

  January 2013

  Honestly? I think it 40 is way too old to buy a girl a big honking ring and try to pass it off as real. That's something a guy in high school does trying to impress the girl he wants to take to prom. And the fact that he spent $400 to lie to you about something so stupid speaks volumes to me about what ridiculous lengths he might go to in the future just to keep up appearances to you or other people.
  
  
  

  
  

  *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
  

  
  

  
  

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• jakigaudet

  

  January 2013

  I wouldn't be happy either and I promise you all I am NOT materialist in the least bit so I believe you also are not. 

  
  

  I agree w what you're saying, I'd rather something real and small than a gigantic fake ring. Because I just think a big fake ring is cheesy. It isn't about the money spent or the size. It is the thought. And I guess you could flip this around and say that is why one shouldn't be upset about getting one too. But the fact is that was for YOU and he should know what you would want. 

  
  

  We all have our own opinions, just don't tihnk you're a bad person because of your feelings. 

  Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

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• diva1313 member

  

  January 2013

  I just read your delemma to My FI and his first reaction was along the lines of "well, if he's willing to try to pass of a lie like that now before their married, then what will he try after they're married. He also added as many of us did that it's not about the size or price of the ring but about being truthful. I just thought that was an interesting reaction and food for thought from a man's perspective. Wishing you the best of luck.

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• missli

  

  January 2013

  If you still love him. I should prepare your wedding dresses.If not,just go away now.

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• sunnilove member

  

  January 2013

  400$ on fake ring? what website did he get ripped off on... anyone else think the amount on something not real is rediculous??
  either way i see your point i think youre more pissed off about him lying to you its not about the ring its about the fact he lied...not a great way to start a relationhip

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• thegirlnamedpearl

  

  January 2013

  My honest answer is ...
  
  Did you finally accept his proposal because you had a ring in front of you? Was that what you were waiting for? Because then I would think that you would've communicated this to him, and knowing his circumstances, you would've said something to the effect that it needn't be an expensive ring.
  
  I think you both need to hold off on an engagement and wedding for a while. To me, the fact that he bought an obnoxiously large fake CZ ring means that he was trying to compensate for the fact that he doesn't have much money to spend on a expensive engagement ring, but he did it in the wrong way. Most men, knowing they don't have a lot of money, would appeal to something personal like buying a ringing with a birthstone or selecting a style that his future bride likes.
  
  And because he did not outright tell you that it was a CZ ring, leads me to think that he was trying to pass it off as a real diamond, and that's being a little deceptive. His point about you being materialistic for bringing it up seems valid, but I think anyone would be a little upset. Let's say I buy you a fake LV purse from Chinatown for $40 but I give it to you as if it were a real LV without full disclosure? It's being a little dishonest, especially in this area, because people don't want to go around showing their ring as if it were a diamond without knowing and having others snicker about it not being real.
  
  And because these are my thoughts, I would never want a CZ ring. I have a hard time swallowing the fact that I have a diamond at all, as I'm quite partial to simple and understated rings ... so to imagine an obstentiously large ring would make me feel very self conscious ... and to either have to explain to others that it's a CZ or that it's not real would put me in a very uncomfortable position. YES it's just a ring and YES it's just a symbol, but unless you embraced it yourself and wanted a large fake CZ ring, then it's not what you wanted to use as a symbol. It's not like you said you wanted a real 2-3carat diamond; you would've been satisfied with a simple gold band.
  
  In response to whether you are shallow, yeah in some ways you can be seen as shallow. But I think it's for good reason. Let's say my fiance found a beautiful diamond ring on the beach, and he proposes to me with it but doesn't let me know where he found it, leading me to believe he bought it. Yes it's a symbol of our love, and yes it's just a ring. But I would never want a ring that likely was someone elses. My fiance asked me what I thought about buying a ring that was previously owned, and I outright told him that I'd rather have a 'cheaper' ring that was less impressive than a ring that was previously owned because I tend to associate things with objects, and previously owned rings might've been from a dissolved marriage, stolen, or sold for various reasons ... none of which I know ... and I'd just PREFER not to have it!
  
  I hope the best for you too though. Work through this, it's a good exercise on communication and expectations of one another.

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