guest list vs. church members showdown!

InaD1029 · October 2010

We have a limited guest list (200 chairs, which means 200 butts and 200 mouths!!!). After our families and close mutual friends, there is simply not enough room to invite everyone from my home church that I would want to invite.

I'm sure I am not the only person who has dealt with this, but I'm so nervous that if "certain" people are invited and not everyone, that there will be hurt feelings. Additionally, I am currently on missionary support from my church - it will be ended well before the wedding, but many people have been extremely generous towards me and have been very supportive. Even though I really want them to be there, and I love these people and know they love me... there is simply NOT enough room for everyone.

What do you do!??! (besides elope, which is hte option I'm considering right now!)

HELP!

needle&thread · October 2010

If its not a financial burden, I would have an outside/lawn wedding (plenty of space)...then save money with an appetizer/food station reception...instead of a full sit-down dinner.

Those types of receptions are usually cheaper and much shorter timewise. The one I went to was lovely--the cake on a table alone with candles, tulle and flowers; a fruit table; a candy/sweet table; a sushi table, a carving table, a pasta bar; a mashed potato bar and a stirfry station. The plates used were about the size of a bread plate--not a full size dinner plate. Because there weren't any dinner tables...it allowed people to mingle and converse. VERY NICE!!

Hope this helps...

S and CJ

kellya01 · October 2010

Does your church have an "overflow" area, with a tv / sound broadcast if there are more people than space in the pews? If so, I'd stop worrying about hurt feelings and just invite them all. Being on missionary support, there are some things that you might want to run by your church pastor, and see what he says about the issue of seating for everyone who would potentially come.

I agree with PP - outdoor venue might be a great option for you considering that your indoor option is basically full. Or, if the church has a large fellowship hall (or gathering space), you might could use that option.

If your church is a member of an association, like the Southern Baptist Convention, or another denomination group, you could try having the ceremony at another church building that is larger. I'd get your pastor's help on coordinating this since this would be within association. You would only pay for the venue as if you were a member of that church, as opposed to an "outsider" or "nonmember" fee.

If none of those options work, see what options you have as far as large homes within the church congregation. Someone might be willing to let you host at their large mansion / house, barn, stable, field property, etc.

Of course, you can also try state parks. That would be outdoors, but the fees are comparable to church ceremony fees, and might allow more people.

Best of luck!

FutureMrsMcDaniel · October 2010

Okay, I'm going to go in the opposite direction of the ladies above me.

We were married in our church. There was no discussion about that. We were not going to move our ceremony location just to accommodate the whole congregation. We invited (including family, friends, coworkers, and church members) 125 guests.

We did not invite everyone from our church. It's not shameful to admit that you are closer to some church members than others. Even though we don't attend a big church, there are some fellow church members that we don't know at all. Why would we invite them to our wedding and why would they want to come? I feel it's the same as work. My husband did not invite every person he works with. He only invited those closest to him.

We decided with our minister that since we were not having an open invitation to our wedding, the announcement would not appear in the monthly bulletin until after the wedding day. That way, those church members who were not invited really didn't know about the wedding. We weren't trying to keep the ceremony a secret by any means. But regardless, we did not want to unintentionally hurt anyone's feelings. We thought it best to not flaunt the upcoming wedding.

I would, however, make it a priority to make room for those who have been generous towards you.

I would not lost sleep over this. People are very aware that brides have budgets. If someone asks about the wedding, tell them what you told us: you're having a quiet ceremony with close family and friends.

InaD1029 · October 2010

Thank you for the responses... let me clarify. We have a venue. The venue has 200 seats, period. No negotiating. And we aren't changing it and can't change it.

I guess the question was more about how other girls have handled this issue in the past (FutureMrs, thanks for your input here) and if any church members have raised a stink.

The ceremony is outside, at my grandparents' house (who do not attend the church). The reception is at a reception hall more than 15 minutes away from the church. Neither event has anything to do with my church. Both events have limited seating. The issue was that we don't have enough room to invite everyone we absolutely have to invite (family, close friends, wedding party) AND everyone from church. I was just afraid that if we did invite some people from church and not others, that there would be hurt feelings. It's small enough that word has already gotten out about my wedding and lots of people are hounding my mom for details... At some point, as the "yes" list gets bigger and bigger, people will ask "why did so and so get an invite and not me?" I was wondering if this has actually happened to anyone.

Jeffie86 · October 2010

We didn't encounter any hurt feelings by only inviting our closest friends from either church. I think that, generally, people understand that you aren't close to everyone in the congregation.

I think you will be fine with only inviting who you want. Just don't go talking about it with everyone. I'm sure your mom is able to field questions with vague, non-committal answers, especially as you seem to be early in the planning process. Like MsMcDaniel suggested, don't announce it in the bulletin or anything until after the event.

Are you planning on having kids? Not having kids might free up room in your list, but I know some people don't like when their kids aren't invited, and you have a lot of "but why not?" questions to deal with.

Just don't do like my mom did once and say, "Oh didn't you get your save-the-date?" when a family we weren't planning on invited asked us about the wedding! Fortunately, our venue and budget was flexible enough for a few add-on emergencies.

Don't worry about it. It's your party, not a church-sponsored event.

jonigringa · October 2010

Hi!

I totally understand where you're coming from. I do not go to a large church, but I am very involved in it (help with children's ministry and youth, attend small group and a women's meeting). We meet in a school, so having the wedding there was not an option. While my reception venue can seat up to 200, the ceremony site only seats 120. With 13 people standing (WP, pastor, and 2 ushers), we have a total of 133 now.

FI and I both have plenty of family in the area, and we also wanted to invite some co-workers. I also have a number of long-time friends who don't go to my church who I would invite before inviting anyone from my church. I love my church and the people in it, but we had to make the decision to only invite a select few so we wouldn't go over our numbers. It is stressful, and you will get a few people who are always asking about the wedding and making it seem like they are fishing for an invite. Do NOT let that pressure you into anything. Most people understand that people have limited resources--especially in today's economy. You cannot accomodate everyone, so just put that thought out of your head now.

Here are some things that really helped me: Of course, pray first about your list. Keep asking God to give you discernment as you hash out who will and will not be invited. With that, TRUST that He is in control--and that includes being able to "smooth things over" with people after the fact if they are hurt that they weren't invited.

Second, have you considered not inviting children? A lot of our family and friends have kids, and there is no way we could accomodate them and still be able to invite the people/adults with whom we really want to share the day. So, we made a blanket rule of no kids, with the only exceptions being my nephew and niece, who are the RB and FG, and his great-nephew, who is also his godson. Again, most people understand that this has nothing to do with NOT wanting kids to be there and everything to do with wanting to share the day with people who will actually appreciate its significance.

In the end, while I definitely understand not wanting to hurt people's feelings, please remember that you are a human being limited by what is available to you. If people don't understand that, then ultimately that is between them and God. If they ask you questions about the wedding, you can answer them graciously without leading them to believe that they are invited. Keeping my answers short seemed to help me, because I didn't want to go into a lot of detail with people who I knew weren't going to be there. They can get detail after the wedding if they really want to know. :-)

One more thing to watch out for: Some people will try to use offers of help as their way "in." They figure if they help with even the smallest thing, it means they are invited. Be careful about this. Some of them do mean well and do want to help, but it can put more pressure on you because it seems like they are assuming that they will be invited. Thank them for offering and, if you feel you need to, politely let them know that it is being taken care of. They do not need to know who or how, so just remember that you do not owe anyone an explanation.

I know (believe me, I know) it's hard and can be very stressful, but just keep bringing it before God and asking Him to give you guidance and also peace about the decisions you're making. You may not be able to have "everyone" there, but the most important ones--your FI and the One Who brought you together--will be there! :-)

kellya01 · October 2010

Thanks for the clarification InaD - I don't think I quite understood that you have a venue and that it's not flexible. Seeing what you stated, I agree with a PP about if people start asking if they can come -- just tell them it's a small event and you were only able to invite a small number. Never mind if that "small" number is 200.

We're having a similar issue to yours -- except mine is more budget related. My venue can hold everyone (and more), but we just can't afford EVERYONE. So, I get what you're saying, I think. What we're doing is just sending out invites, and we'll mail out wedding announcements afterwards to folks that we would have invited if we had the budget initially. It's the best way around both scenarios (smaller space than guests or smaller budget than guests wanting to come).

Best of luck with your decision -- I realize how tough that is and I've been asking for advice on the boards on TK as well!!

kpwedkk · October 2010

i guess you can always pull the "I'm sorry, but due to our financial situation / state of the economy / limited venue space, we can not accomodate you and your family (church members)" if the subject comes up!

Best of luck with your decision, please let us know which way you decide to go

mattycam · October 2010

I am in the same situation! To reduce numbers, here are a few options:
a) invite adults instead of children
b) invite your friends instead of your friends and their parents

In a way if you invite a person(s) they can come on behalf of the family. As mentioned before, most brides do not have big budgets so we can't invite everyone we have ever been in communication with.

All the best and happy planning!

EJCart · October 2010

Oh I hear ya . . . my mom is the choir director at our (medium sized) church and that's one of the reasons we're having a dessert reception - we HAVE to invite everyone but we CANT feed 500.

Anyway, back to your actual question - since it's not being held at the church, I think you might have less drama. Be clear about your guest list in your head and in FI's head and start with the people you most want to be there. I think you'll find that if there ARE hurt feelings with big enough mouths to complain, a simple "well, we had space restrictions" will work.

Best of luck to ya hun

InaD1029 · October 2010

Thanks guys!!! I appreciate the support.

Habs2Hart · October 2010

My fl and I have talked to great lengths about this. We have 2 home churches.

My mom's thing is if you only see them every Sunday, then they aren't really that close. They will understand. I am only inviting my close friends from the church, and same with my Fl. The friends we see and talk to outside of the walls of the church on sundays.

There are lots of people in his church that might get upset, so when we come home from our honeymoon, we'll probably have a bbq and ask that those that want to come celebrate with us are more than welcome to with no gift, just themselves so they can feel comfortably at home with it. Our guest list will be 120 max.

JAF squared · October 2010

We had a very similar situation, and this is how we dealt with it.

We invited the pastors, the piano player (putting her to work) the DJ (all from our church) and all of their respective spouses. We told our congregation when and where the service was, but that our wedding was mostly going to be family. we had 120 max who we could invite (and holy cow our extedened families grew fast!).
We did run into a problem of hurt feelings after the wedding, but with a little explanation resolved it.
After the wedding, we had a reception with our church where we showed our wedding photos. One of the ladies saw a picture with one of the men from our church in it. She said out loud, Oh~I thought the church wasn't invited (and this was a lady I would have loved to have invited).
We kind of awkwardly changed the subject, but then pulled her aside later and explained that the church was regretfully not invited (this lady had been married in the same chapel so she knew the size constraints), but that this man from the congregation had come unexpectedly. Luckally the lady from our church understood, and it was all fine.

Both my husband and the pastor told him that it was family only, and he came anyway. He is also very socially awkward, and started hitting on my coordinator (even after she told him she has 9 kids and is unemployed!) making her very uncomfortable. My mom even came up to me and asked if we knew him, because he was stirring up some people and she thought he was a wedding crasher.
Anyway, the point is that all but this one person understood that we could not invite everyone. Granted they all encouraged us to have the wedding at our church so there would be room, but I didn't want bright red carpets in my photos! They understood that also!

guest list vs. church members showdown!

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