Bridesmaid issue- Help!

cvd2484 · January 2010

       I am having an issue with two of my bridesmaids. Two out of four of my bridesmaids have been fantastic, easy to work with, understanding and have offered to help out without being asked; the other two are a different story. One of the difficult ones is my fiance's older sister who I asked at the time to be polite. She has givien me trouble and has been demanding about almost everything. I tried my best to find dresses that they all liked, would look good on all of them and were reasonably priced which i finally did! They all seemed to like them although I got a few grumblings from the two trouble BM.
     The problem I am now having is that the dresses are cocktail length dresses and I wanted the shoes to match as it is a daytime wedding. My fiance's sister had all kinds of restrictions on shoes: have to have a strap because her ankles are skinny, can't be slingbacks etc. I looked forever and I finally found really pretty ones that meet all of the restrictions, that were cheap, not too high a heel and now the 2 trouble BM's are giving me a headache about the shoes saying that they want nothing higher then 1" heels and that im being rude asking them to endanger themselves in heels! Yes you read that right.
   Please help! Am I being crazy asking them to wear heels higher then an inch?! I have not asked anything of them I even offered to pay for half of thier dresses! What should I do?

emilyinchile · January 2010

Yup, Stage is right. (PS. Hi Stage! Are you officially back, or just around today?)

I asked my BMs to wear heeled gold sandals and sent them some pictures of the general look I had in mind (which basically was not clunky platform wedges). I happened to choose pictures of all 3-4" heels, and one of my BMs asked if it would be ok if the heels were shorter because she really isn't comfortable in higher heights and would be really uncomfortable. Of course it's ok! Not only do I not want my friend breaking her ankle as she stumbles down the aisle, but I want her to be able to dance and have fun.

Pick a color and style (ie. sandals, closed toe, etc) but let each girl pick her own exact shoe to be comfortable.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

Stage is exactly right. They don't have to match each other. The fact that they are matching dresses was hard enough to acccomplish. Let them have a bit of individuality and personal comfort.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

If you require specific shoes, you have to pay for it. And yes, it is crazy to dictate their shoes and heel height. If they are all miserable in uncomfortable shoes, it will show through in your pictures.

Choose a color and ask them to all choose their own shoes in that color. No one is going to care what shoes they are wearing, and they will look happy because they won't be in pain.

jeannigirl · January 2010

You are going abit over the line in asking them all to wear the same shoe. These 2 trouble BM (your words) stated that what their preferences are. You need to understand that not everyone can wear heels or strappy's etc.

Give the girls the color preference and let them pick out their own shoes. If you want them to wear all the same then you will need to be the one to pay for that.
Noone remembers the shoes the WP wears. Seriously!

CTGirl30 · January 2010

I don't think not being comfortable in a certain style of shoe qualifies anyone as being a "trouble" BM. If a bride told me I needed to wear 3" heels in the name of conformity with the other girls, I'd tell her no thank you and that for my own personal comfort I would prefer to wear a shorter heel and would be happy to find a style I can wear comfortably in the dsired color.

So...my advice is to do just that - leave it at the color of the shoe and allow them to choose the style and heel height they are most comfortable in. The dress styles have been selected by you - they are wearing what someone else chose - it would be a gracious gesture to let them choose their shoes without giving them grief over it. I guarentee you that nobody else will care if they all have matchy shoes or not...and trust me, a comfortable BM is going to be much happier for the duration of your wedding. These are your friends first and bridesmaids second.

banana468 · January 2010

The solution is so simple. Stop freakin' out about shoes!

Just tell them a color and let them go with it. Stop insisting that they purchase something that makes them uncomfortable.

trix1223 · January 2010

I can end your "issue" so easily that you'll wonder why you didn't just think of it yourself.

Choose a shoe color and be done. Making all the girls wear the exact same shoe is what was done when I got married in the late 70's. So isn't it time to let that dinosaur die?

No one, not one single guest, will care about what the BMs have on their feet. And I promise, you won't either. You'll be so excited to be marrying your FI that shoes will be the last thing on your mind.

So let it go. Your BMs will be happy, and by extension, you will be too.

Welcome back, stage? Back for a visit or to stay? I've missed you!

stina93446 · January 2010

cvd, if you were asked to wear this shoe for one of your friends' wedding because it matched everyone else's would you?

I hope you answer no, because the point that everyone is making is that y choosing a shoe for everyone, you're potentially putting their feet in super uncomfy shoes!

mStraub · January 2010

No you are not crazy. You and I are very much alike, I too have tried to make everything easy as possible. I think that you need to just be blunt with your other 2 Bridesmaids and tell them that this is your wedding and this is what you want. I think they will then shut up and deal with it. Stop worring about them. It is your wedding and if you want them to wear stilleto's they should do it with a smile. They are there for you. If all else fails remind them what their job as a bridesmaid is. Good Luck!

And as most of the other ladies have said yes to solve the issue quickly don't worry about the shoes. But if you are set on having them all wear the same shoe then it is your wedding after all. I have been in enough weddings to say shoes don't matter but if the bride wanted me in a certain pair I would have done it no questions asked.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9de393f-ef5d-43fb-840e-4b46d4513c87Post:c0e2479c-b5c0-4407-9213-8e90c7aa4430">Re: Bridesmaid issue- Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]No you are not crazy. You and I are very much alike, I too have tried to make everything easy as possible. I think that you need to just be blunt with your other 2 Bridesmaids and tell them that this is your wedding and this is what you want. I think they will then shut up and deal with it. Stop worring about them. It is your wedding and if you want them to wear stilleto's they should do it with a smile. They are there for you. If all else fails remind them what their job as a bridesmaid is. Good Luck!
Posted by mStraub[/QUOTE]

If you follow this advice, you are likely to stir up tons of drama that you don't need and have problems follow you long after your wedding.

A wedding is not an excuse to treat people badly. No one should ever tell their friend to shut up and deal with it. Your wedding is no excuse to behave that way.

stina93446 · January 2010

I talked with a friend who was forced to wear gold 3 inch stiletto heels. They caused her enormous pain and she has to wear a sprain now. Would you really want to do this to your friends?!

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

I did ask our groomswoman if she would wear a particular style: the groomsmen are all wearing black-and-white wingtips, and I thought it would look really neat if her shoes had a similar look. I also told her that it was totally fine if she didn't want to, and researched various different styles at reasonable (under $40) price points for her. Turns out it's just her taste and she's really excited, but if she hadn't been, I would have dropped it.

This is one of those details that really doesn't matter. It's not even an issue of pictures, because the only way you're going to have distinct pictures of their shoes is if you ask your photographer to get a close-up.

banana468 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9de393f-ef5d-43fb-840e-4b46d4513c87Post:c0e2479c-b5c0-4407-9213-8e90c7aa4430">Re: Bridesmaid issue- Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]No you are not crazy. You and I are very much alike, I too have tried to make everything easy as possible. I think that you need to just be blunt with your other 2 Bridesmaids and tell them that this is your wedding and this is what you want. I think they will then shut up and deal with it. Stop worring about them. It is your wedding and if you want them to wear stilleto's they should do it with a smile. They are there for you. If all else fails remind them what their job as a bridesmaid is. Good Luck!
Posted by mStraub[/QUOTE]

Comments and advice like this are so disappointing...and BAD!

PLEASE don't do what PP has suggested. That sort of action would be acting as a bad friend.

I'm honestly dismayed that so many people are saying that it's appropriate to "forget" about your friends in the name of a vision and a bride's day.

emilyinchile · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9de393f-ef5d-43fb-840e-4b46d4513c87Post:c0e2479c-b5c0-4407-9213-8e90c7aa4430">Re: Bridesmaid issue- Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]t is your wedding and if you want them to wear stilleto's they should do it with a smile.
Posted by mStraub[/QUOTE]

I love high heels, but I've been dealing with tendinitis in my ankle for the past 3 months. Wearing heels for more than about 20 minutes hurts and sets back my recovery. If I'd been a BM during this time, I would have been pretty pissed if the bride told me I should limp and smile through the pain instead of wearing flats.

There are a lot of people who aren't comfortable in higher heels, whether because they're not used to them or because they have foot/ankle/hip/back problems. Heels are horrible for your body, just because I love them I would never force anyone else to wear them!

CTGirl30 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9de393f-ef5d-43fb-840e-4b46d4513c87Post:c0e2479c-b5c0-4407-9213-8e90c7aa4430">Re: Bridesmaid issue- Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]No you are not crazy. You and I are very much alike, I too have tried to make everything easy as possible. I think that you need to just be blunt with your other 2 Bridesmaids and tell them that this is your wedding and this is what you want. I think they will then shut up and deal with it. Stop worring about them. It is your wedding and if you want them to wear stilleto's they should do it with a smile. They are there for you. If all else fails remind them what their job as a bridesmaid is. Good Luck!
Posted by mStraub[/QUOTE]

I'm really hoping this is just Made Up Drama, as this is a 1st post by this person...otherwise, if this is intended to be serious advice, mStraub is very misguided...a wedding isn't an excuse to become a Dictator...and you'll hope your friends are still around after your Special Day ends, but they may not be if you treat them poorly...

gottahavashorti · January 2010

Solution: "Please wear strappy bronze sandals" or "Black heels of your choice."

The 'problem bridesmaids' don't have to do anything. It's nice when they do, but not helping doesn't make them problem bridesmiads. Neither does wanting to wear shoes that are comfortable for them.

AmoroAgain · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9de393f-ef5d-43fb-840e-4b46d4513c87Post:c0e2479c-b5c0-4407-9213-8e90c7aa4430">Re: Bridesmaid issue- Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]No you are not crazy. You and I are very much alike, I too have tried to make everything easy as possible. I think that you need to just be blunt with your other 2 Bridesmaids and tell them that this is your wedding and this is what you want. I think they will then shut up and deal with it. Stop worring about them. It is your wedding and if you want them to wear stilleto's they should do it with a smile. They are there for you. If all else fails remind them what their job as a bridesmaid is. Good Luck! And as most of the other ladies have said yes to solve the issue quickly don't worry about the shoes. But if you are set on having them all wear the same shoe then it is your wedding after all. I have been in enough weddings to say shoes don't matter but if the bride wanted me in a certain pair I would have done it no questions asked.
Posted by mStraub[/QUOTE]

Oh look! A fresh Bridezilla in the making.

[Deleted User] · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9de393f-ef5d-43fb-840e-4b46d4513c87Post:c0e2479c-b5c0-4407-9213-8e90c7aa4430">Re: Bridesmaid issue- Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]No you are not crazy. You and I are very much alike, I too have tried to make everything easy as possible. I think that you need to just be blunt with your other 2 Bridesmaids and tell them that this is your wedding and this is what you want. I think they will then shut up and deal with it. Stop worring about them. It is your wedding and if you want them to wear stilleto's they should do it with a smile. They are there for you. If all else fails remind them what their job as a bridesmaid is. Good Luck! And as most of the other ladies have said yes to solve the issue quickly don't worry about the shoes. But if you are set on having them all wear the same shoe then it is your wedding after all. I have been in enough weddings to say shoes don't matter but if the bride wanted me in a certain pair I would have done it no questions asked.
Posted by mStraub[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>How to lose friends and piss people off.

</div>

mbcdefg · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9de393f-ef5d-43fb-840e-4b46d4513c87Post:c0e2479c-b5c0-4407-9213-8e90c7aa4430">Re: Bridesmaid issue- Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]No you are not crazy. You and I are very much alike, I too have tried to make everything easy as possible. I think that you need to just be blunt with your other 2 Bridesmaids and tell them that this is your wedding and this is what you want. I think they will then shut up and deal with it. Stop worring about them. It is your wedding and if you want them to wear stilleto's they should do it with a smile. They are there for you. If all else fails remind them what their job as a bridesmaid is. Good Luck! And as most of the other ladies have said yes to solve the issue quickly don't worry about the shoes. But if you are set on having them all wear the same shoe then it is your wedding after all. I have been in enough weddings to say shoes don't matter but if the bride wanted me in a certain pair I would have done it no questions asked.
Posted by mStraub[/QUOTE]

So, you have two options:

1. Stomp your foot and say, "It's MY day and you will do what I want!" and potentially piss people off. Over SHOES, of all things, which nobody attending the wedding will notice or care about.

2. Pick a shoe color and then let them find their own shoes, and then let the issue go. Instead of demanding that they wear shoes that they're clearly unhappy with.

Pick your battles. Do you *really* want to start a war over shoes?

jeannigirl · January 2010

Yes this is your wedding day but it is not an excuse to be rude to your friends that you choose to be in the wedding party. I would def not be in someone's wedding who dicated to me what kind of shoes I had to wear if I was not comfortable in that. Then I have siatic problems and cannot wear over 2 inches. Sometimes thats stretching it, depending on the style of shoe.

You really need to let this go and let these girls choose their own shoes. You still want their friendship I wouldn't sweat it over a style or heel height of shoes.

deepcovejackie · January 2010

Yep, you're wrong. Your bm are clearly telling you that they're not ok with higher heels. You're not listening.

lauralaur · January 2010

It's funny, because I DID notice the shoes the bridesmaids were wearing at one of the last weddings I went to... because they were all matching. Same dress, same shoes, same bracelet, same earrings, same hairstyle - all four of them. Now, I thought the bride, with the help of the bridesmaids, did a great job of picking out hairstyles and dresses, etc. that looked great on everyone, but it just struck me as so... odd that they all matched down to the very last detail.

As a girl who is taller and flatter-chested than all of my friends, I appreciated being able to pick my own dress and shoes in the two weddings I've been in, a lot. I would just let them pick their own shoes and be done with it.

SocialWorker2B · January 2010

First off, you need to look at the shoes issue as a different issue than the fact that you are not happy with the 'trouble' bridesmaids not helpng you plan. You should count your lucky stars and thank the other two bridesmaids for helping you already so much. A lot of brides are not that blessed because, as pp said, BMs are not required to do anything else than buy the dress and show up, possibly smile.

Just give them a color and tell them to buy, steal or borrow their shoes for the wedding day. Most likely, they will not be able to wear these shoes again if you make them buy a certain shoe. Let them be comfortable and happy and your pictures will reflect that.

I don't understand the attitude of brides who think their BMs are just dolls that they can dress up. These women are your friends! A wedding is not a reason to treat your friends like utter crap. Under any other circumstances, would you think this is okay?

mbcdefg · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-issue-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9de393f-ef5d-43fb-840e-4b46d4513c87Post:27afbc13-60ef-4f99-994e-00ced0ba1470">Bridesmaid issue- Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Two out of four of my bridesmaids have been fantastic, easy to work with, understanding and have offered to help out without being asked; the other two are a different story.
Posted by cvd2484[/QUOTE]

This makes it sound like you expect them to do certain things as a matter of obligation ... like when a mother tells her kids, "You should know enough to take your dishes to the sink without being asked."

Remember that bridesmaids are not obligated to help you ... it's awesome if they do, but they're not shirking their "duties" if they don't. The more you expect from people, the more disappointed you are going to be when they don't fulfill all your expectations. The LESS you expect from people (especially people you aren't that close to and who you know aren't that agreeable in the first place), the MORE pleased you will be with them anytime they happen to go the extra mile for you.

[QUOTE]One of the difficult ones is my fiance's older sister who I asked at the time to be polite. She has givien me trouble and has been demanding about almost everything.
Posted by cvd2484[/QUOTE]

It sounds like you didn't really care for her that much in the first place. It's totally understandable why you'd ask her to be a bridesmaid, because in some families it's expected and it keeps the peace to just suck it up and ask siblings-in-law.

However, realize that she will not (and should not) magically become a nicer person to you simply because you asked her to be a bridesmaid. If you didn't really get along from the start, then you won't get along now. If she was always picky about shoes, she'll continue to be picky about shoes.

And, no, disagreeing about matching shoes is not the trademark of a "bad bridesmaid." My very best friend, whom I've known for 10 years, was happy to accept being my bridesmaid. After she accepted, she said to me, "MB, I'll wear any dress you want, I'll help out in any way you ask ... but PLEASE do not ask me to wear open-toed shoes. If you <em>really</em> want them, I guess I could stand them for a while if it'd make you happy, but I'm really begging you not to make me wear them." (She has some issues with feet.)

I can't imagine telling her, "Tough, you need to suck it up because my Perfect Wedding Day depends entirely on what's on your feet that day." I would be a crummy, awful friend to do that.

Not only that, but I cannot imagine how mismatching bridesmaid shoes would make or break someone's wedding day. If I as a bride left my wedding day behind thinking, "Things would've been so much better if only the BMs were in matching shoes," then I might as well go file for divorce right then and there because I would've entirely missed the point of getting married.

And, I also have to add that I also cannot wear strapless shoes or slingbacks. Most pumps slide right off my feet if there aren't any straps, and for some reason slingbacks never ever stay on my foot properly. Maybe I'm between shoe sizes or something, I don't know. But it wouldn't do you much good to have perfect wedding photos of me as your BM in slingbacks, when in your ceremony (and your video) all you would hear would be me tromping down the aisle like a Clydesdale because my shoes are falling off.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

What makes you think that just because it's your party you get to dictate every little thing that the BMs wear? Seriously, this is such a non-issue that it's crazy to not only freak out about it, but to have people say that the BMs aren't "true friends" if they don't "shut up and deal with it".

I told my BMs to wear any silver shoes of their choice. I have no idea what the shoes looked like because I didn't even notice them. I doubt anyone else did too.

Please don't alienate or possibly lose friends over something as stupid as a pair of shoes. You will regret that. And don't think it doesn't happen--one of my BMs was a BM in another friend's wedding and that bride went completely off the deep end by insisting on things like approving the RD outfits and making her buy expensive shoes that she has not worn since. She has also not spoken to the bride since. The had been friends since they were 5. I bet that girl now wishes she hadn't been so insistent on the style of the wedding and instead had focused more on its substance--the joining of two families and celebrating the relationships that helped you get there.

kmm2150 · January 2010

If you're really concerned about the color matching, maybe you're wanting something other than black or white, there are tons of companies out there with dyable shoes. Pick a color, let them pick the style and get the dyed. Oh, and pay for it, or at least offer.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

Do more than offer, pay! No one will ever wear the dyed shoes again, so it's only fair that you pay if you demand a very specific shoe.

Butkus51507 · January 2010

Agree....pick a color and style. I told my girls, red....that's it. heels, flats, sandals. I gavethem very few specific no's....No flip flops, no ballet flats (those they can save for the reception) And no stockings with open toes....just a peeve I have :-)

yahny · January 2010

I feel like a bad bride after reading this! I asked my bridesmaids what sort of heel height they would be comfortable wearing and shared about 15 different shoes that I thought might be ok. They both requested a very small heel, which is fine and narrowed it down to a few different pairs. I've now picked one pair for them both to wear (which they are happy with) as I did want them to wear matching shoes for the ceremony and photos. As we are all in different locations, I'm going to order and pay for them. I also offered to buy them a pair of ballet pumps to change into later, so they'd be more comfortable if they wanted. It seemed fair and reasonable but maybe not...

As an FYI, I'm picking the designer, colour and length of their dresses but they pick their favourite style and I'm paying too.

banana468 · January 2010

The issue with picking a shoe is that each foot can be tempermental as far as fit. If it's uncomfortable, your BMs will have spent money on something that they not only dislike, but that actually brings them pain.

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