How do I handle my Bridesmaids?

tayylor65 · July 2010

I'm a young bride (will be barely 23 on our wedding day) and all of my bridal party are old friends who are my age. My parents are providing my FI and I with the wedding which, within reason, has included everything I ever imagined and will be absolutely gorgeous. I'm concerned how to handle the purchasing of BM dresses though. All but one of the girls in my bridal party will be just out of college with debt from school loans starting around the time of our wedding. I definitely won't ask my parents to foot the bill of my BM's attire but I also don't want to embarrass any of my friends who may not be able to afford a ~$150 dress on top of a gift at my bridal shower and my bachelorette party (I don't even know yet if they'll have found employment 3 months after graduation). Should my FI and I just go ahead and foot the bill? The awkward factor is that one of my BM's comes from a very wealthy family who wouldn't bat an eye if the dress cost $1000. I feel like it'd be rude however to pay for all of my bridal party but one, however my FI and I will be strapped for money after covering the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. How should I handle the whole situation so that everyone's happy and no one's offended?

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2010

You could just have them purchase dresses they can afford.

danieliza1127 · July 2010

BMs pay for their own dresses. They probably know that and/or expected that when they agreed to be in the wedding. If they're a little strapped for money, they'll figure it out, get help, or spend less on your gifts that you're assuming they're going to buy for you. I don't think you're obligated to help them pay for the dresses, but if you can, it's a really nice gesture. You might want to try to find dresses that are less than $150 if you can as well.

pooh8402 · July 2010

ask them what they can afford and go from there.

laurenclaire1386 · July 2010

I would ask them, each seperately, what they feel comfortable spending on a dress, then find a dress that fits everyone's price range. I also wouldn't require them to all buy a pair of matching shoes. If you do want them in matching jewelry, with updos, and professional makeup, you need to foot the bill for the jewelry, hair, and makeup.

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

Just give them a color swatch and let them buy whatever dress they want. This way, everyone stays within her own budget. They knew, by agreeing to be a BM, that they'd probably have to buy a dress. You could lessen their load by letting them wear shoes of their choice as well.

wadingmoose · July 2010

I'd try to keep their budget in mind when picking out dresses. It's probably not a bad idea to get them all together to go shopping and let them have input on both the style and the budget for the dresses.

It may not come out matching your dream wedding exactly, but your friends are way more important.

squirrly · July 2010

When they accepted being bridesmaids, they implicitly accepted paying for their dresses. However, I'd talk to each of them, individually, about their budget for the dress. Tell them you've seen a few dresses that you liked in the $150 range and is that too much. If their budget is $75, then either find a dress that's $75, or you pay half of the $150 dress.

And, I'd treat the well-off BM the same as the rest. Don't single her out. Who knows - mom and dad may not help her out like you think, or they might cut her off on graduation day, etc.

AmoroAgain · July 2010

Originally, I asked my BM's to just find a black dress that was about knee length to wear, but they wouldn't go for it, and made me choose something for them. Perhaps do that route? And when they asked about shoes/jewellry/hair, I told them to do what they could afford.

heyimbren · July 2010

Talk to each of them privately and ask them what they are comfortable spending. my friend did this and we had a set budget of $150 per dress. and we're actually all a couple years younger than you (21 and under) and the majority of us are still in school. so it was something that we could afford. but talk to them first. if, for example, they can all afford $150 except for one girl who can only afford $100, maybe you could pitch in for that (again, privately)?

we actually looked around and found the perfect dresses for $30. sooo definitely look around! just even go to the mall. stores are REALLY helpful with this kind of thing.

laurenclaire1386 · July 2010

heyimbren, the place in your sig pic looks like the most fantastic place on Earth.

AutumnFair · July 2010

<div>In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:44eab287-b25c-45e6-85aa-a54ae0f560d7Post:26a35273-f3b3-49ac-adcf-6af36d64cd1d">How do I handle my Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a young bride (will be barely 23 on our wedding day) and all of my bridal party are old friends who are my age. My parents are providing my FI and I with the wedding which, within reason, has included everything I ever imagined and will be absolutely gorgeous. I'm concerned how to handle the purchasing of BM dresses though. All but one of the girls in my bridal party will be just out of college with debt from school loans starting around the time of our wedding. I definitely won't ask my parents to foot the bill of my BM's attire but I also don't want to embarrass any of my friends who may not be able to afford a ~$150 dress on top of a gift at my bridal shower and my bachelorette party (I don't even know yet if they'll have found employment 3 months after graduation). Should my FI and I just go ahead and foot the bill? The awkward factor is that one of my BM's comes from a very wealthy family who wouldn't bat an eye if the dress cost $1000. I feel like it'd be rude however to pay for all of my bridal party but one, however my FI and I will be strapped for money after covering the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. How should I handle the whole situation so that everyone's happy and no one's offended?
Posted by tayylor65[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>The only main requirements of a BM is to get the dress and show up the day of your wedding. So it is most common for BM to be expected to buy their own dress but with that requirement you most do the following:</div><div>
</div>You need to talk to your BMs and ask them what their budget range <em>individually</em> what they are comfortable in paying and use the lowest one as your BM dress cost point (if you are wanting matching dresses). An easier way is to pick a designer, color, floor length and let them choose whatever dress they want.<div>
</div><div>If you know everyone's individual budgets but find a dress that you totally love but is out of the range, then split the difference with them. </div><div>
</div><div>You also can buy their dresses if someone is totally broke. My best friend did this for her MOH because she was in the exact same situation as your BM. </div><div>
</div><div> Also you might have to consider that maybe they won't be giving you gifts for your pre-parties or you might not get any parties at all if they can't afford to throw one. If you care about them and understand their situation and be flexible with what you have vs want. </div>

tayylor65 · July 2010

I do really like the idea of picking out the color and material and letting them go from there. That would probably open it up so there's less pressure on them. And the dresses will be long so I'm happy if they just wear flip flops underneath, I'm not worried about shoes. Jewelry I plan on giving them at the rehearsal dinner as their BM gifts and we're covering their hair and make-up so that we can all get ready together the day of. I just really want to make sure everything stays fun and stress free for them as much as possible.

wadingmoose · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:44eab287-b25c-45e6-85aa-a54ae0f560d7Post:d028fbb0-b174-4b5e-8531-a88fa3198322">Re: How do I handle my Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]I do really like the idea of picking out the color and material and letting them go from there. That would probably open it up so there's less pressure on them. And the dresses will be long so I'm happy if they just wear flip flops underneath, I'm not worried about shoes. Jewelry I plan on giving them at the rehearsal dinner as their BM gifts and we're covering their hair and make-up so that we can all get ready together the day of. I just really want to make sure everything stays fun and stress free for them as much as possible.
Posted by tayylor65[/QUOTE]

That sounds pretty good and relaxed. I don't think any bridesmaid could complain about that.

In addition to the jewelry, you may want to consider adding something personal to their BM gifts.

twilight.rose · July 2010

As PPs have mentioned, it seems like the best option for you might be to give the girls some guidelines (color, length) and let them choose their own dresses, so they can all shop within their individual budgets.

pooh8402 · July 2010

ditto wadingmoose. jewelry for the BMs to wear for your wedding is not a gift, so get them something personal too.

polichik · July 2010

I had the same worry, and I think it's thoughtful of you to be thinking of them. I decided to purchase the BM dresses myself, but they were also on sale for $65 at Anthropologie. If you'd like to pursue buying their dresses, try looking at retail shops and skipping the "traditional" BM dresses from Melissa Sweet, etc.

Try Nordstrom, Anthropologie, Forever 21, Gap, JCrew (their BM dresses are costly but regularly go on sale for $60-100). Even Target has some cute sundresses. If you're having a slightly less formal wedding, it might work out. Pics of my BM dresses in my bio!

loop0406 · July 2010

I would send them a mass email asking them if they need help purchasing the dress, to let you know. Offer it to all of them, the wealthy one or the ones who have no problem purchasing $150 dress, won't ask for help

LeenR44 · July 2010

Keep the dress around $150. I was a poor college student when my frined got married, but I gladly forked over the money for her wedding! It's really not that much.

Lisa8888 · July 2010

BMs do pay for their own dresses so they should have anticipated this. Inform them of the dress that you are thinking about and the price and see if their are any problems. You can always select a less expensive dress if price is an issue. I wouldn't offer to pay for the dresses and you can't pay for some.

lharri12 · July 2010

I really like the idea of having BMs pick out their own dresses in a certain color, and this is easiest if you give them a color swatch. That way, they can get something that suits their individual style and budget, and they can get a dress that they will wear again.
But actually, I even like the idea of giving them a color family (such as shades of red & coral) and letting them come up with a beautiful assortment of colors and styles. This is not a good idea if you're a control freak, but I've seen some awesome results from this. Let me see if I can find a photo....

Calypso1977 · July 2010

but I also don't want to embarrass any of my friends who may not be able to afford a ~$150 dress on top of a gift at my bridal shower and my bachelorette party

i certainly hope you arent expecting them to throw a shower or bachelorette for you. these arent required events, and the expectation that they take place at their expense should nto be projected by you.

pick non-traditional dresses from a place like ann taylor or j crew. you dont have to go with a "bridesmaid" dress.

jnic0319 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:44eab287-b25c-45e6-85aa-a54ae0f560d7Post:a8a3cfa0-a117-4f1f-91f6-daeab4e135a9">Re: How do I handle my Bridesmaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]ditto wadingmoose. jewelry for the BMs to wear for your wedding is not a gift, so get them something personal too.
Posted by pooh8402[/QUOTE]

I am giving each of my BM's a set of freshwater pearl earrings and necklace. I also bought them each a cashmere pashmina in their favorite color as something more personal. So even a small added personal gift is enough for them to at least know you thought about them individually and were not just using the gift as an excuse to get them all matchy matchy. Maybe try something like that?

StephieBow · July 2010

Two options:

1. Pick a colour for the bridesmaids and tell them to pick out their own dresses, this way they pick something they can afford

or

2. Keep their budget in mind. I'm not sure asking them will help because most bridesmaids say "it's your day, I'll make it work" Sticking to $100 - $150 budget is fair as you aren't going to get formal dresses for much less than that (unless you hit up David's Bridal, you can usually find some good buys there.)

The girls know they would have to purchase a dress when they said yes to being in your wedding party but don't go overboard on the cost of the dresses to keep it fair.

heyimbren · July 2010

laurenclaire- it pretty much is

it's Moraine Lake in Banff National Park, Alberta

tayylor65 · July 2010

Calyps- My MOH has already started talking about the bachelorette party and asked if I'd like to have a bridal shower, I said I really didn't mind either way. But I'm assuming cost for both so that if they ARE held, I've made sure the dress cost isn't an issue to stress them out.

JNic- I love that idea! I've been planning on giving my bridal party pearl earrings but I'll definitely add something else more personal.

HMandKW · July 2010

I got my BM dresses from target.com for $30. They have party dresses online that aren't in the stores. I was worried they'de be cheap looking, but they actually look nice, especially with accessories and shoes, etc.

I tried to paste a link but couldn't, but here's the URL. Just a thought.

http://www.target.com/Mossimo-Black-Crossover-Empire-Silver/dp/B001RI671A/ref=sr_1_25?ie=UTF8&searchView=grid5&keywords=silver%20dress&fromGsearch=true&sr=1-25&qid=1280510978&rh=&searchRank=target104545&id=Mossimo%20Black%20Crossover%20Empire%20Silver&node=1038576%7C1287991011&searchSize=30&searchPage=1&searchNodeID=1038576%7C1287991011&searchBinNameList=subjectbin%2Cprice%2Ctarget_com_primary_color-bin%2Ctarget_com_size-bin%2Ctarget_com_brand-bin&frombrowse=0

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