Changing a Bridesmaid's job

imsajones · March 2012

It was after I asked her to be a bridesmaid. I was shocked! I just said no, and she hasn't brought it up again, but there are other things that have happened equally weird. If she still wants to be a BM, how do I handle these quirky incidences?

mbody · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:c0bbb0d3-ed0f-4530-bc22-51c0b19d3e6d">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]It was after I asked her to be a bridesmaid. I was shocked! I just said no, and she hasn't brought it up again, but there are other things that have happened equally weird. If she still wants to be a BM, how do I handle these quirky incidences?
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]
Tell her you're not interested?

Or stop being friends with her because she doesn't respect your boundaries?

redheadfsu · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:027d6c8e-6bec-4a9b-98ef-a963e716e3a9">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]And you're all right, I approached this post badly. I just hoped a disclaimer would do the opposite. I'm young at message boards. But thank you all who are giving me advice. Your actually helping calm my nerves and come up with ways to keep her in without going crazy. I don't want to remove here, but if she wants to drop, asking her to play flute would be ok, right? I want her there, bridesmaid or no.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

If she wants to drop out of the BM role, let her (just don't push her into dropping out).*

But I'm confused, as her being at the wedding (in any form) would allow for whatever you are worried about. I don't understand what not being a bridesmaid would fix.

* edit for clarity

imsajones · March 2012

Sometimes she is super crazy and I'm like, "no more!" but then she's super cool and I'm like, "well, maybe it will be alright." I am just worried about stuff like that happening.

Snippylynn · March 2012

When the wind is blowing at 20km from the northwest, the sun is at 30 degrees above the horizon, and you stand at precisely the right spot, you will understand each other.

What happened to just talking directly to people??

imsajones · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:cae76bb9-e393-42b2-b14e-819f152fc679">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : If she wants to drop out let her of being a BM (just don't push her into dropping out). But I'm confused, as her being at the wedding (in any form) would allow for whatever you are worried about. I don't understand what not being a bridesmaid would fix.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

And this is why I'm in a sea of confusion. I tell my man and my folks and they suggest she not be in the party. But I still want her there. It would be the same, huh.

imsajones · March 2012

Well, I want to talk to her, I just don't know how to approach it.

mbody · March 2012

Is this someone you want to continue being friends with? If I was driven to the point of, in your words, "no more!" then I'd seriously consider the value of her friendship.

imsajones · March 2012

Anyway, thank you all for your help!

myname1234 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:b1adc2b5-d996-4530-a3c1-af3be0bb7db4">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : Well, I'll just come out with one example of chaos. She definitely asked me to sleep with her about a month after I got engaged. There are other things to, and we resolved that problem, but I can't honestly predict all that will happen.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

um....wtf???

This obviously isn't the same case, but maybe it will help you with your conversation.

My cousin is one of my BMs. She has made a few hints about the cost of the wedding (dress, travel, etc). I don't want to put her out so we had a conversation like this

"Cousin, I asked you to be in my wedding because you are important to me. If being a BM is causing you any sort of stress, maybe we can find a different role for you. I want you to be happy and comfortable with it. You can be a reader, or a personal attendant or do a toast or anything else you may like. The key thing for me is that you're there. I know it's my wedding day, but it really is just another day. I'm more concerned with our long term relationship than getting you into a blue dress. If you want to be a BM, that is fabulous and i'm delighted. If you prefer to do something different, I'm okay with that too. It's your choice."

mbody · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:2b7c8129-5e7b-4d29-a175-e3d1c16da6fe">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I want to talk to her, I just don't know how to approach it.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

I'm going to say this for the third time....

Sit her down and talk to her as an adult. Come right on out and ask her if she wants to be included in the wedding as a BM or would she rather contribute musically? For cripes sake, stop talking in HINTS and CODES and speak as adults. Hopefully, after that, everything will be clear. If not, I don't know what else to tell ya!

mbody · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:6cfe88fc-6713-480f-9384-d8da8e24c5a0">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]When the wind is blowing at 20km from the northwest, the sun is at 30 degrees above the horizon, and you stand at precisely the right spot, you will understand each other. What happened to just talking directly to people??
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]
Hahaha! Yeah, right!?

Habs2Hart · March 2012

Well, so she didn't try to sleep with the groom, she tried to sleep with the bride. I think this may be a new one.

imsajones · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:7e965b35-3756-4a7f-8f75-56e872291cac">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : um....wtf??? This obviously isn't the same case, but maybe it will help you with your conversation. My cousin is one of my BMs. She has made a few hints about the cost of the wedding (dress, travel, etc). I don't want to put her out so we had a conversation like this "Cousin, I asked you to be in my wedding because you are important to me. If being a BM is causing you any sort of stress, maybe we can find a different role for you. I want you to be happy and comfortable with it. You can be a reader, or a personal attendant or do a toast or anything else you may like. The key thing for me is that you're there. I know it's my wedding day, but it really is just another day. I'm more concerned with our long term relationship than getting you into a blue dress. If you want to be a BM, that is fabulous and i'm delighted. If you prefer to do something different, I'm okay with that too. It's your choice."
Posted by myname1234[/QUOTE]

Turns out I love you! This seems like a good conversation for me to think about.

myname1234 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:4193eac2-e188-4199-b445-3a0c6267d87c">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : Turns out I love you! This seems like a good conversation for me to think about.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

Hopefully not in way your friend loves you ;-) heehee
hope it helps.

imsajones · March 2012

Well thank you all for your help. I know, it's pretty ironic we play flute too, eh? But for real, I know I need to talk to her and now I think I' know what I'll say. Thank you for helping me organize my thoughts a bit. I've had a lot of opinions on the matter and youve all given me some good input, even if I didn't like the phrasing. Also! Thanks for helping me learn how to use the board better. Trial by fire, I guess. Finally... I might write a different post on this, a blank slate, but could I have her be a bridesmaid (if she wants to be one) and play flute? Or do you think that might piss off the other bridesmaids, such as moh, who are also musical? Or any ideas on how I can include them all? Maybe ths one does deserve its own post... Anyway, thanks again!

hoffse · March 2012

OP, I'm also a musician (flautist too), and frankly I dislike playing in weddings because brides tend to go crazy and then not compensate me for rehearsal time, just performance time. If you're a musician then you won't make that mistake (and hopefully you won't be crazy), but I would be certain it's something she wants to do. I get asked a lot, and I decline for all but my very closest friends.

As for having her be a BM and a musician, it can be done. My MOH is a pro violinist, and she's going to play some prelude music for me before coming down the aisle. Keep in mind that she offered several times before I took her up on it... obviously I wanted her to play but I wasn't going to bring it up because I know how much I dislike playing for weddings - emotions run waaaay too high.

Just my 2 cents because music can be a lot more work and way more trouble than being a BM. Honestly, if given the choice, I'd prefer to spend the money on a dress than take the time to deal with the music.

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