Polite Way to Say

mancila60 · May 2012

So you all know FMIL is sick well now we are 18 days away from the wedding and FI and I are super busy! Trying to finish things up and get everything ready for all the wedding events. This is FMIL's last week of treatment for her brain and everyone has been pitching in so wonderfully or so we thought. We had someone (FI's stepbrother) move in with her so that she wasn't alone and someone could take care of her because we knew we could and FBIL wouldn't. Everything had been going great until stepbrother had a job interview so happy for him BUT he didn't tell us until the day before and he had known for 3 days.

So even though FI and I are basically taking off 2 weeks for the wedding we have taken off work 2 days now so that someone could take her to her appointments. Then stepbrother calls today and says he got the job and starts Monday we think great he will finish out his week but nope he's just not coming back and now FI (who makes more money than me) has to take off work to take her. If FI doesn't work he doesn't get paid which means no pay check for him this week and we only have my check which just covers the bills.

FBIL won't and hasn't done anything along with FSIL who says it's just not her responsibility since it's not her mom. I am so frustrated and don't know what to do. We need to tell FMIL that we just can't do this anymore. We don't want to abandon her by any means but next week best man is coming in town and then MOH will be here and family and we need to spend time with them and can't just drop everything because someone else can't help out. Not to mention we will be on our honeymoon a week and will not have our phones on.

Is there any polite way to tell FMIL that she needs to ask FBIL to step up? Or any way to tell her that we just can't do it for a while?

I don't want to be rude and FI will be the one to tell her BUT neither of us know what to say to her or make her understand. Please help!

End Vent!

enchantedonyx · May 2012

Is it possible to hire a nurse or aide to look in on her for awhile? Does she have any insurance that might cover this, even?

Sounds like things are rough. I'm sorry.

mancila60 · May 2012

Unfortunately her insurance won't cover this and she refuses to let anyone move in with her. Or for someone to stay with her she wants to be alone which is okay I guess the neighbors can check on her during the day. It's mostly for Doctor appointments which have been twice a day for now 3 weeks. Her mother usually takes her but she has been out of town this week and has several other dates coming up that she won't be able to take her.

It's not just appointments it is grocery shopping and fixing things around the house and just the little stuff that she calls 20 times a day about.

FutureMrsW9 · May 2012

It sounds to me like this is more than just a recent issue. I think FI and his siblings need to sit down and give it to FMIL straight. Gently in so many words say, we love you and we understand you want you independence, but we're all adults with very busy lives and unfortunately this arrangement isn't working out for us. As the people who you do need to rely on, we need you to move in with us (or whatever the case may be). If she refuses, then unfortunately I think it's on her at that point. It might be a hard converstaion to have, but you need to go on living your own lives and still be able to care for her. If she doesn't realize than and isn't willing to compromise then I think it's up to her to find an alternative care giver or routine.

I hope it all works out for your guys....it just stinks that this is all happenign right before the wedding.

caitlinc09 · May 2012

That's a huge bummer when insurance won't cover a live in aide

I have heard about medical staffing companies...have you tried contacting one of those? They can tell you all of your options and about options that are cheaper when insurance won't pay anything. They can offer day time nurses or nurse aides and also have nurses on call at night in case something happens. They can also probably help fit something into your time frame - so you could just hire someone for the week of the wedding and HM. Or you could just hire someone not in the medical field - like a day time assistant - to hang out and help her and drive her places.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's a really awkward situation to be in. I think FI might need to sit down with FMIL and explain to her that you guys love her and are always happy to help, but it can't be completely on the two of you and you need to explore other options, such as hiring someone or her asking FBIL to step up.

Good luck!

AurorasEnvy · May 2012

I'd tell your FMIL what your FBIL and FSIL have said....I think your FMIL should know about their unwillingness to help. I might spin it as "You know, we have a lot of appointments and out of towners to attend to the week before the wedding....I asked if FBIL & FSIL would be willing to help us out, but they don't really seem interested...." Then I might ask her if she has any close friends she think would be willing to help. Or if your FMIL asks your FBIL directly I can't see how he could say "no" to his dying mother.

Sorry to hear they are being so difficult.

mandi921vh · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_polite-way-to-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:2c543743-993e-4f80-9fa6-f53917176374Post:7252cb8a-c41b-44d8-974f-9a5711e44e0a">Re: Polite Way to Say</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd tell your FMIL what your FBIL and FSIL have said....I think your FMIL should know about their unwillingness to help. I might spin it as "You know, we have a lot of appointments and out of towners to attend to the week before the wedding....I asked if FBIL & FSIL would be willing to help us out, but they don't really seem interested...." Then I might ask her if she has any close friends she think would be willing to help. Or if your FMIL asks your FBIL directly I can't see how he could say "no" to his dying mother. Sorry to hear they are being so difficult.
Posted by AurorasEnvy[/QUOTE]

I agree with this... I am also very sorry they are not being as helpful as you and your FI have been.

toothpastechica · May 2012

How old is FMIL? I Know that around here theres lots of seniors societies (age 55 and up often) that will take people to medical apptments, grocery shopping etc for free or for a very small fee, some are staffed some are run by volunteers, but it might be worth looking into in your area if a care aid is too expensive. Maybe then your FI or someone else can sleep over at her place but still go to work/get things done in the day if someone else can drop by once a day or on days where shes got apptments to help her get ready, go, get shopping done etc.

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