family issue, asked not to invite someone (sorry long)

Celles · June 2010

Would you have invited the caretaker if your aunt hadn't said anything to you? If so, there's your answer.

A couple of thoughts:

- Your aunt sounds like a drama queen. There are capable home health providers in every city. Your aunt and your grandmother's full-time caretalker are NOT the only people who can care for Gran for one night. If your aunt is that concerned about it, she can stay home; it's her choice.

- Twenty minutes isn't far at all -- I drive three times that to work each way! -- so if there's an emergency, the entire family is right there.

- It REALLY isn't fair to punish the caretaker for doing such an excellent job with your grandmother. It sounds to me like she's become a friend and perhaps even a part of the family. Do you really want to use your wedding to remind her that she's actually just "the help"? That seems unnecessarily cruel to me.

- ... re-reading that, IS she just the help? I mean, is she a paid employee or is she a neighbor with a heart of gold? If she's paid, okay, fine. I can see justification for not inviting her, although I still think it could be cruel. But if she's taking care of Gran out of friendship or the goodness of her heart, then Auntie is WAY out of line on this one.

cherbein · June 2010

I would definitely say invite her. This woman seems to be important to you and your aunt seems to just being causing drama. If your aunt is so worried about the alternate care person maybe have the person come one day where your aunt can meet her and be comfortable before you have this person take solo care of your grandma. Also God bless the caretaker and everyone else in her field. Caring for an ailing family members is a heart breaking and emotionally draining task and the assistance of a kind hearted care taker is invaluable.

karbar42 · June 2010

The "alternate" person is actually the caretaker's daughter-in-law and has taken care of my gram many times. The caretaker is a neighbor who is paid, but it's not like she's raking in the dough, and she's very good to my grandmother. I do like her, and yes, she was on the list up to the point my aunt called.

There are a handful of women who come in to help, so that the caretaker has days off, but none of these people change my grandmother or put her to bed (my reception will go until midnight).

Basically at this point, if I go ahead and invite her, my aunt will flip out. If I don't invite her, I feel like I will offend her (though I have no idea how she feels about the situation, as she is aware that her and my aunt are the "primary" care givers).

I appreciate all the advice. This sucks

mags0607 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-issue-asked-not-invite-someone-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c61ffc6b-e180-4e56-9a5f-c455c099707ePost:e355f48c-867e-4266-b2a2-9720cc7396df">Re: family issue, asked not to invite someone (sorry long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Would you have invited the caretaker if your aunt hadn't said anything to you? If so, there's your answer. ;) A couple of thoughts: - Your aunt sounds like a drama queen. There are capable home health providers in every city. Your aunt and your grandmother's full-time caretalker are NOT the only people who can care for Gran for one night. If your aunt is that concerned about it, she can stay home; it's her choice. - Twenty minutes isn't far at all -- I drive three times that to work each way! -- so if there's an emergency, the entire family is right there. - It REALLY isn't fair to punish the caretaker for doing such an excellent job with your grandmother. It sounds to me like she's become a friend and perhaps even a part of the family. Do you really want to use your wedding to remind her that she's actually just "the help"? That seems unnecessarily cruel to me. - ... re-reading that, IS she just the help? I mean, is she a paid employee or is she a neighbor with a heart of gold? If she's paid, okay, fine. I can see justification for not inviting her, although I still think it could be cruel. But if she's taking care of Gran out of friendship or the goodness of her heart, then Auntie is WAY out of line on this one.
Posted by Celles[/QUOTE]

Celles said it perfectly. I really think you should invite her. Obviously she knows how involved your Gran's care is, and she will focus on her well-being first, even if it means she has to decline the invitation. The main thing is that you include her.

mmealy · June 2010

Invite the caretaker for sure. The way I took your explanation was that she kind of helped you and FI hook up together. You/your aunt can find someone for the night or even just a few hours. When I was in college I worked to a guy whos mother had parkinsons disease and was bedridden. He would hire college students and train them and have them come in 4 hour shifts when he couldn't be there. You should for sure be able to find someone to stay with your gram for at least a short period of time. Good luck!

MairePoppy · June 2010

My MIL's caregiver had a network of friends that were also caregivers. They sometimes filled in for each other. Ask your Grandmother's caregiver if she knows someone who would be willing to stay with her that night. She will be familiar enough with Grandmother's needs to match her up with the right person.

kityjane2 · June 2010

I would invite her.

There are home healthcare providers all over(I work for one) and they can get in contact with them, or you can put an ad on CL... It is only going to be a few hours, leave them emergency contact numbers.

Most home health providers charge 12-25 dollars an hour.

If you go through an agency, they are insured, bonded, and have a set protocol. The ocmpany I work for charges 20 per hour depending on the situation. But for one night, it might be worth it!

GL

Birdie1483 · June 2010

I would invite her knowing that she will most likely realize that your aunt will be at the wedding all day and she'll need to take over for caring for Gram. She will probably be grateful, but politely decline because she knows your grandmother will need someone to care for her.

If she does come then your family can figure out the logistics. She could possibly just come for the ceremony and then get back to Gram since only her and your aunt do the nightly duties.

Your aunt sounds a lot like my family - worry about stupid stuff, think irrationally, and not be open to outside opinions or suggestions. The best thing to do is to do what YOU want and try to not let her drama bother you. She's an adult and can figure it out on her own. This is YOUR wedding, not hers.

karbar42 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-issue-asked-not-invite-someone-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c61ffc6b-e180-4e56-9a5f-c455c099707ePost:08482c48-b53f-4329-9248-3f57ce67ed7d">Re: family issue, asked not to invite someone (sorry long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would invite her knowing that she will most likely realize that your aunt will be at the wedding all day and she'll need to take over for caring for Gram. <strong>She will probably be grateful, but politely decline because she knows your grandmother will need someone to care for her.</strong> If she does come then your family can figure out the logistics. She could possibly just come for the ceremony and then get back to Gram since only her and your aunt do the nightly duties. Your aunt sounds a lot like my family - worry about stupid stuff, think irrationally, and not be open to outside opinions or suggestions. The best thing to do is to do what YOU want and try to not let her drama bother you. She's an adult and can figure it out on her own. This is YOUR wedding, not hers.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

See my aunt is afraid she will rsvp yes, and then everything will be "stressful" for her, so that's why she called me.

As I see it, the caretaker will realize that my aunt is my family, and maybe she'll come for the ceremony and cocktail hour/dinner and then go home to take care of my grandmother (by the 9 bedtime, or earlier if something comes up). However, my aunt sees it as if she's invited she'll come, my aunt be damned, and then my aunt will have to leave early to take care of gram.

At the time of the phone call I was caught off guard and uneasy, so I agreed with my aunt not to invite her (how do you respond to "i'm more important to you aren't I"). I'm really not good when caught off guard like that.

hd7694 · June 2010

I would invite her. Talk to your aunt again. I would start the conversation with the fact that her phone call threw you for a little bit. Let her know that she is more important to you, however, the caretaker is important also. Maybe you can somehow get her to agree to find someone else to stay with grandma through the ceremony and cocktail hour and the caretaker return to help grandma to bed. This sounds like the best win/win situtaion where everyone gets what they want. Good luck to you.

karbar42 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-issue-asked-not-invite-someone-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c61ffc6b-e180-4e56-9a5f-c455c099707ePost:c1deafdc-5077-4c20-9c48-6909c228e048">Re: family issue, asked not to invite someone (sorry long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would invite her. Talk to your aunt again. I would start the conversation with the fact that her phone call threw you for a little bit. Let her know that she is more important to you, however, the caretaker is important also. Maybe you can somehow get her to agree to find someone else to stay with grandma through the ceremony and cocktail hour and the caretaker return to help grandma to bed. This sounds like the best win/win situtaion where everyone gets what they want. Good luck to you.
Posted by hd7694[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you, this is exactly the kind of thing I was thinking, but didn't want to upset anyone (aunt or caretaker). I hope this is the type of situation we end up with, where no one is upset (aunt), or insulted (caretaker). </div><div>
</div><div>Thank you again ladies for your advice. These are the worst parts of wedding planning for me, I hate to make anyone upset.</div>

family issue, asked not to invite someone (sorry long)

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