NOT changing my name

Glutie Cutie · January 2013

Hello All,

I am not changing my name after I get married and really do not want things labeled Mr. and Mrs. How, and where should I put this so I don't receive gifts labeled Mr. and Mrs.?

jessicabessica · January 2013

You can try to spread things by word of mouth, but not everyone will get it. Make sure, if your officiant "announces" you at the end of the ceremony, s/he does not say "Mr. and Mrs." - same with the DJ at the reception. Although you don't need to include your names in your return address, I would be sure to write your full names as the return address for thank you notes (or you can get labels, printed envelopes, etc. with your return address).

I do think this is something where you should try to relax a little. While I have encountered some people that know I didn't change my name and give me my H's last name anyway (because it looks better to them to say "Mr. and Mrs." on an invitation, because they're lazy, who knows), I think the majority of people do want to get it right.

Jager1219 · January 2013

You will most likely receive at your wedding any checks made out to you as a couple as Mr. & Mrs. John Doe.

Jen4948 · January 2013

You can include "at home" cards in your invitation that indicate what names you will be using after you are married.

If you were going to change your name, they would read:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe
After Wedding Date Address

If you are keeping your names as they are, they would read:

Ms. Glutie Cutie
Mr. Glutie Cutie's Husband
After Wedding Date Address

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-changing-my-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9fc5f68-e851-4e96-b222-89ce6771eac3Post:21b38016-feba-4fe3-a7b5-8a07e2ce9085">Re: NOT changing my name</a>:
[QUOTE]You can include "at home" cards in your invitation that indicate what names you will be using after you are married. If you were going to change your name, they would read: Mr. and Mrs. John Doe After Wedding Date Address If you are keeping your names as they are, they would read: Ms. Glutie Cutie Mr. Glutie Cutie's Husband After Wedding Date Address
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

This. Or just make sure to write the chosen names out completely on your return address on the thank you cards.

I do have to mention that you may have to lighten up or be a bit more easy going if and when someone calls you Mrs. FI Lastname instead of Ms. Maiden Name. This will happen and probably more then a few times. If someone does call you by a "married" name then just laugh and tell them that you just decided to keep your own since you love it so much. But definitely refrain from getting huffy and puffy about it.

ohmrs2014 · January 2013

I think word of mouth is probably your best bet to let everyone know, or use the at-home cards. I myself don't plan on changing my name, but I'm ok with socially being known as Mrs. His Last Name. But the at home cards def seem like I might consider it for myself.

HobokensFury · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-changing-my-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9fc5f68-e851-4e96-b222-89ce6771eac3Post:4d05c9b2-d9af-4352-9225-5cedf2038e23">NOT changing my name</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello All, I am not changing my name after I get married and really do not want things labeled Mr. and Mrs. How, and where should I put this so I don't receive gifts labeled Mr. and Mrs.?
Posted by Glutie Cutie[/QUOTE]

You need to lighten up. Although it's probably not your intention this post makes you look really bratty. It comes off as "I want gift but only if you address the card properly!". Since there is not proper way to mention gifts, there is no proper way to mention how to address them. I hate to brake it to you but it's a wedding. People are going to call you Mrs.

alithebride · January 2013

spread the word through family and friends.
ultimately though-you need to expect people will still do it.

s-aries8990 · January 2013

Do you mean like Mr. & Mrs. coffee cups too? If so, you REALLYYYYY need to loosen up dude.

coopsbaby · January 2013

People are going to screw it up. I changed my name back to maiden after my divorce 2 years ago. I use maiden on all return addresses, facebook, etc. I still got Christmas cards this year addressed to me as Ms. Old Married name, from close friends even. It's not intentional, but it will happen.

Coghoot12 · January 2013

OP, I was pretty vocal about not changing my name and we were announced at the reception as "for the first time as a married couple our first names" and we still received gifts and checks addressed to Mr. Mrs. So it will likely happen. But I disagree as to PPs saying "lighten up". It's her name and her identity. I can understand a little latitude to people right after the wedding but the only way to make sure people know how to address her is for her to continue to assert what her name actually is. We have been married 6 months and we still received holiday cards addressed to Mr and Mrs H. That's not my name and at this point I take it personally. At that point, the sender is being rude by not respected my wishes. Also, if we received checks addressed to Mr and Mrs H, I would not be a to cash them since Mrs H does not exist. So I understand OPs frustration. There's not much to be done about it for actual wedding gifts. But she has every right to assert herself postwedding and not have to silently endure other people's rude behavior.

Jager1219 · January 2013

I don't think you'd have an issue cashing the check as long as your bank knows that you got married & didn't change your name. You might need your marriage license to prove it, but I'd check with the bank. I'm not changing my last name for a few months after we get married (we're going on a delayed honeymoon and trying to change passports would be a nightmare). I was planning on cashing checks after the wedding, before the honeymoon. So call the bank and see what they say. I'd have to ask my friends what they did because I know many of them did the same as me (waiting like 6 months before changing their name).

jessicabessica · January 2013

We didn't have any problems depositing checks because of name issues (I did not change my name). We just made sure that DH endorsed any checks that did not have my legal name on them. Looking back, I am surprised it went so smoothly, especially since our bank returned several checks to us because of other issues, so it's not like they would deposit anything.

Glutie Cutie · January 2013

Thank you all for your posts. My intention was how to gracefully announce that I will not be changing my name, via wedding website or other social media. We have already sent out the save the dates. I have already had people spread the word via by mouth I just wanted to do it in a gracious manor before the wedding. Thank you all for your posts and have a wonderful night! And please if you have any ways to announce it on a wedding website I'd love to hear ideas I'm not sure my wording is great.

Coghoot12 · January 2013

In Response to Re:NOT changing my name:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NOT changing my name:OP, I was pretty vocal about not changing my name and we were announced at the reception as "for the first time as a married couple our first names" and we still received gifts and checks addressed to Mr. Mrs. So it will likely happen. But I disagree as to PPs saying "lighten up". It's her name and her identity. I can understand a little latitude to people right after the wedding but the only way to make sure people know how to address her is for her to continue to assert what her name actually is. We have been married 6 months and we still received holiday cards addressed to Mr and Mrs H. That's not my name and at this point I take it personally. At that point, the sender is being rude by not respected my wishes. Also, if we received checks addressed to Mr and Mrs H, I would not be a to cash them since Mrs H does not exist. So I understand OPs frustration. There's not much to be done about it for actual wedding gifts. But she has every right to assert herself postwedding and not have to silently endure other people's rude behavior.Posted by Coghoot12Dude, I DID change my name and people still screw it up on occassion. nbsp;If you're taking it personally, you also need to lighten up. nbsp;Most people do not this sort of thing maliciously and if you have someone in your life who DOES, then take it up with them one on one. nbsp;But being pissed at your H's second cousin mislabeling a card or the lady at the cable company calling you Mrs. H's last name is childish. nbsp;It's no different than people mispronouncing a name. nbsp;It happens, you correct them POLITELY and you both move on. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

That was basically my point. I agree that you should give latitude to the random second cousin. That's not a big deal. But the people who I've had face to face discussions with about my name that continue to address things to me as "Mrs. Hs Name" are doing it deliberately. Some people are really set in their ways but that doesn't mean I need to acquiesce to their opinions on my name.

As to OPs more specific question, I include a section on our website that was basically an electronic "at home card". I said "the couple will reside in name if town after the wedding. Their address will be: my name and Hs name, address".

Hope that helps!

SKPM · January 2013

I didn't change my name, and it was annoying for a little while with cards.and such addressed to Mr. And Mrs. His first His last. But I wrote the bulk of our thank you notes and used return address labels with My first My last, and a lot of people got the hint. We recently sent out holiday cards with return labels saying The MyLast [hyphen] HisLast Family, and that really seemed to hit home for people. I also never changed anything like my name on Facebook or my email address, so people continued to see me publicly use my maiden name well after the wedding.

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-changing-my-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9fc5f68-e851-4e96-b222-89ce6771eac3Post:21b38016-feba-4fe3-a7b5-8a07e2ce9085">Re: NOT changing my name</a>:
[QUOTE]You can include "at home" cards in your invitation that indicate what names you will be using after you are married. If you were going to change your name, they would read: Mr. and Mrs. John Doe After Wedding Date <div>Address If you are keeping your names as they are, they would read: </div><div><strong>Ms. Glutie Cutie </strong></div><div><strong>Mr. Glutie Cutie's Husband </strong></div><div><strong>After Wedding Date Address</strong>
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

</div><div>Actually, this is incorrect. It should be:</div><div>
</div><div>Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith</div><div>
</div><div>Using "and" and putting them on the same line shows that they are married. Putting them on different lines means that they are cohabitating but not married. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, I would spread it by word of mouth. People will screw it up, but all you can do is politely correct them. I will say that if you have a joint bank account, you should be ok with depositing checks. Our bank allowed H to deposit all our checks written to Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast into his account alone, but had us deposit the ones to Hisfirst & Myfirst Hislast into our joint account. </div><div>
</div><div>I thought it would be a particular problem, as I use my middle name and checks were actually written to MyMiddle HisLast. They still let us deposit checks written to my husband and a woman with a different <em>first</em> and <em>last</em> name than me. </div>

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-changing-my-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9fc5f68-e851-4e96-b222-89ce6771eac3Post:57560868-3650-4462-946f-1d5988316eec">Re: NOT changing my name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NOT changing my name : <strong>Actually, this is incorrect. It should be: Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith Using "and" and putting them on the same line shows that they are married. Putting them on different lines means that they are cohabitating but not married. </strong> OP, I would spread it by word of mouth. People will screw it up, but all you can do is politely correct them. I will say that if you have a joint bank account, you should be ok with depositing checks. Our bank allowed H to deposit all our checks written to Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast into his account alone, but had us deposit the ones to Hisfirst & Myfirst Hislast into our joint account. I thought it would be a particular problem, as I use my middle name and checks were actually written to MyMiddle HisLast. They still let us deposit checks written to my husband and a woman with a different first and last name than me.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

That's for an invitation-not an "at home" card. "At home" cards do not use "and" because the assumption is that the two people listed on them are married.

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-changing-my-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9fc5f68-e851-4e96-b222-89ce6771eac3Post:77cf813d-b11e-4cd1-8eb9-1627d86104e8">Re: NOT changing my name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NOT changing my name : That's for an invitation-not an "at home" card. "At home" cards do not use "and" because the assumption is that the two people listed on them are married.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

<div>Putting them on different lines still means that they are not married. </div>

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-changing-my-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9fc5f68-e851-4e96-b222-89ce6771eac3Post:f2687743-8faf-4d7a-9c81-237a68acbdb9">Re: NOT changing my name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NOT changing my name : Putting them on different lines still means that they are not married.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

You are once again confusing an "at home" card with an invitation.

An "at home" card lists the names the couple will be using after they are married-and at the time it's being sent, the couple <em>aren't</em> yet married, because it goes in an invitation! The wedding hasn't happened yet!

SKPM · January 2013

In Response to Re:NOT changing my name:[QUOTE]You are once again confusing an "at home" card with an invitation.An "at home" card lists the names the couple will be using after they are marriedand at the time it's being sent, the couple aren't yet married, because it goes in an invitation! The wedding hasn't happened yet! Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]
Then this doesn't address the OP's concern. If they are listed on separate lines as an unmarried couple, then EVERY woman would use her maiden name in this instance, regardless of her intentions to change it or not after the wedding. OP needs a way to address themselves as a married couple with different last names.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-changing-my-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9fc5f68-e851-4e96-b222-89ce6771eac3Post:838150f6-0fb1-4b76-acf3-ed701f409c7c">Re: NOT changing my name</a>:
[QUOTE]At home cards don't get sent in the invitation. They get sent after the wedding.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Actually, I've seen in Miss Manners that they are included in the invitation or announcement as inserts.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-changing-my-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d9fc5f68-e851-4e96-b222-89ce6771eac3Post:e15653fe-f98d-44bd-a040-bf2e38aeef94">Re:NOT changing my name</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NOT changing my name: Actually, Jen, you are the one who is confused. There are no special rules for invites OR at home cards. All formal correspondence has the same set of rules and it is that "and" signifies marriage. Siblings are put on the same line but separate by commas, unmarried couples are put on separate lines.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

No, I'm not confused. An "at home" card is an insert included with invitations that indicates what names the couple is to be addressed after they are married. It inherently indicates that the couple on it is not married before the date of the wedding but will be afterward. If it is included in an invitation, the couple isn't married yet, so there's no need for an "and."

Also, Miss Manners discusses "at home" cards in her Guide, where "and" is not used on them.

Elsewhere, sure, use the word "and."

bridalmarch · January 2013

You can still cash checks. FI and I have a joint bank account and I will occasionally get a check made out to me with his last name. I also have a first name that has about 9 billion alternative spellings and I've never had a problem depositing them.

NOT changing my name

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