pressure to have kids in the wedding party

hugz415 · April 2010

My fiance and I decided against having flower girls/ring bearers in the wedding. We have too many kids to choose from and we didnt want anyone to be hurt. So instead of having them in the wedding, we decided to have them participate by handing out programs/bubbles at the ceremony. This way all the girls can have a special job. However, at my shower his mother approached me and asked if his cousin's little girl could "just walk down the aisle". that pretty much is asking her to be a flower girl, correct? i tried to graciously explain that we didnt want to single any of the kids out but she could certainly help with the programs and bubbles but his mom kept going back to "letting her just walk down the aisle". I have asked the fiance and he refuses to get involved. What is my next move?!

saxy414 · April 2010

She could walk down the aisle after the ceremony...

Why won't your FI get involved? It's his mom, and I think he needs to back you up on this if this is a decision you two made together.

baystateapple · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pressure-kids-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b74b990-564f-4c28-aa09-62b3bc5b7edePost:a81e7d35-535f-4ab7-ab12-92fa3c91e8a2">pressure to have kids in the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I decided against having flower girls/ring bearers in the wedding. We have too many kids to choose from and we didnt want anyone to be hurt. So instead of having them in the wedding, we decided to have them participate by handing out programs/bubbles at the ceremony. This way all the girls can have a special job. However, at my shower his mother approached me and asked if his cousin's little girl could "just walk down the aisle". that pretty much is asking her to be a flower girl, correct? i tried to graciously explain that we didnt want to single any of the kids out but she could certainly help with the programs and bubbles but his mom kept going back to "letting her just walk down the aisle". I have asked the fiance and he refuses to get involved. What is my next move?!
Posted by hugz415[/QUOTE]

Wow. That's...pretty damn rude. Why isn't your FI getting involved, since it's his mother and his family?

If it's really going to fall on your shoulders to be the one to speak up, say "We're not going to single people out. Yes, it would be next to nothing to have her walk down the aisle, but what about all of the other little girls? Would it be fair to see just one walk, after being told they couldn't? We think it's better this way, to not include any than to exclude some." Then if she persists, just bean dip her constantly. She'll get it eventually (I hope at least, for your sake).

aerinpegadrak · April 2010

Your FI needs to learn to tell his mother no. If he's old enough to be getting married, he's old enough to stand up to Mommy. And if it's coming from him, she can't just imagine that it's her evil daughter-in-law spoiling all of her fun.

FI refusing to get involved is a big red flag to me. It's his mother, he needs to be the one dealing with it, period.

CTGirl30 · April 2010

Um, yeah. FI needs to back you up on this since it's a decision the two of you made together regarding your wedding. If he can't speak up to his mother and help present a united front rather than leaving you to deal with it...there's an issue.

Stand your ground. And get him involved since it's HIS mother being annoying about it.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

Your FI needs to get involved. It's his family. He needs to say "sorry, but we aren't having any children in the processional" and then change the subject.

emilyinchile · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pressure-kids-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b74b990-564f-4c28-aa09-62b3bc5b7edePost:a81e7d35-535f-4ab7-ab12-92fa3c91e8a2">pressure to have kids in the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]What is my next move?!
Posted by hugz415[/QUOTE]

Your next move is telling your FI to man up and get his mom off your case. I can understand that maybe he wants to avoid conflict, but doing so by putting you in the line of fire isn't ok.

megk8oz · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pressure-kids-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9b74b990-564f-4c28-aa09-62b3bc5b7edePost:df2125a5-72a6-435e-898a-2e73c8933325">Re: pressure to have kids in the wedding party</a>:
[QUOTE]Your FI needs to learn to tell his mother no. If he's old enough to be getting married, he's old enough to stand up to Mommy. And if it's coming from him, she can't just imagine that it's her evil daughter-in-law spoiling all of her fun. FI refusing to get involved is a big red flag to me. It's his mother, he needs to be the one dealing with it, period.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

This exactly. It's really not that hard for him to say "Mom, we both agreed that we weren't having <strong>any</strong> children in the ceremony. We're not making exceptions just because you happen to feel that Suzy is a little snowflake".

It's not like this is a fight over anything money-related (Which I know can be a trickier matter sometimes), so I really can't imagine why he should have any reservations about just putting his foot down and backing you up.

megk8oz · April 2010

I have to ask, how old is said little girl?

I mean, I'm still saying "Don't you dare back down on this", but I'm just curious, because there's probably a good chance she'll barely remember being at your wedding, let alone be tramatized for life if she sees your album in 20 years and realizes she didn't have a "special part" in it.

hugz415 · April 2010

UPDATE:

Ok so I brought it up again with the fiance and he was much more receptive today. He offered to call his mother and explain it to her and back me up..thank god! He agrees that we need to be firm here. We don't want kids feeling bad but I should point out that in this situation many times its the grown-ups who get all offended that you didnt choose their kid. Immature, yes but it happens. We want to avoid both scenarios.

His mom happens to be the type that is persistant and tries to wear you down so im hoping that doesn't happen here.

Thanks again for all the input!

hugz415 · April 2010

oh and I think she is 4 or 5. Not really sure. The fiance didnt even know and its his family. They are distant cousins that he sees about once a year. This was another reason I could not let this go down. We both have many other close family members who would be wondering why the heck we picked her. Either way, i doubt we will be traumatizing her. After the ceremony is over she can prance up and down the aisle all she wants.

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