Am I a horrible gold-digging wench?

lpolak · April 2010

1. You are NOT a gold-digging wench!
He gave you a limit of $1500 and you should get that I agree with everyone on that. Also, the original $899 ring you wanted is a STEAL compared to most rings out there today! I didn't pick out my ring, I just told my fiance to spend what he was comfortable with and he did.

2. Lots of people are having trouble with financing rings today.
I know my fiance and I would have gotten engaged sooner had he not have been laid-off at two separate points in our relationship. He wanted to make sure he had a secure job and that we were financially stable before proposing and I agreed with him that that was a great idea.

3. You two need to start a saving plan of sorts TOGETHER.
I know he's financing your ring, but I think coming up with a savings plan together will help you out in the long run. Maybe start a savings account together through someone like ING that you can link to your checking account and have them take a certain amount of money out each month and they'll put it into your savings account for you. The catch would be that you two cannot touch the money until either A) after your wedding, or

ONLY for wedding costs. My fiance and I have been saving money together by putting some into a safe place to save for our honeymoon and we've already saved over $1,000.

4. He needs to make a plan for himself.
Maybe he needs a sticky note reminder every day that he loves you and wants to buy you an engagement ring and not that second cocktail. Maybe he needs a fridge excel table showing him a bar graph of what his crazy expenses are, his bills are and what he gets paid. Discuss his options with him and show him what his over spending on things like records is taking away from a future with you.

5. If none of that gets through to him, tell him you need to move on.
You love him, I completely understand that. But if he isn't willing to put you first now and see that you want to help him so that you two can have a lucrative future together, then it's definitely time for you to say good-bye and start fresh. It's not easy to do, but you will be happier in the long run if you're not stressing over your fiance's spending habits.

Good luck!

Missa8522 · April 2010

This is interesting - I asked my fiance his opinion (just out of curiousity) and he said this:

"If he really wanted to marry her, he would have saved up, gotten a GOOD ring, and proposed, just like I did. Maybe he really is just a screw-up that can't handle money, and that's something that she and him have to discuss, because that's a big problem. He should not have to be told how to handle his money and have to be supervised like a teenager."

atraut1 · April 2010

I think you should get the ring you want, HOWEVER, I think it would be better to spend the money on couple's counseling. Maybe there are some underlying issues, or maybe he is just bad at hadling money, either way, wouldn't you want to work that out before the stress of a wedding, and more importantly a marraige?

nmotanya · April 2010

definitely sounds like he's not serious about marriage!

why postpone because your parents cannot pay? you guys can pay for your own wedding! you can also ask his parents for help. maybe start the saving money strategy by saving for the wedding.

the engagement ring is about more than just money. it's the first step to a big commitment. if he cannot or will not prioritize you in his financial life, slow down. he needs to show that he's serious! i know it's been 5 years, but he's not ready. imagine being married to a man that cannot save money. talk about major stress!! you should not have to settle for a $500 ring. every time you look at your finger, you should feel bliss, not regret or resentment.

mileywalters · April 2010

Im on your side, if he can't afford a ring thats 899 yet alone 500, omg, you know.

It's a small token to show for if that person wants to spend the rest of their life with you.My fiance opened up a line of credit, but there is no interest. The cc he opened up has equal payments split up to go over 6 months. We also did a few trade in's and got quite a bit knocked off the price.

I would defintly see this as something to keep your eyes open about. This might be the calling that things may not work for you later in the future. Especially if this is something that means alot to you, he should see it.

Future.Mrs.Carter · April 2010

I'm sorry but I would not have a conversation with a man about scheduling when you will be engaged. I would blatantly ask if we were engaged or not. You either want to marry me or you don't it's a yes or no question. If he says yes then you ask what you are actually going to do about it and tell the guy that if you are engaged then you will be telling people including his parents with or without a ring. Don't worry about the ring he was the one who wanted it in the first place, and to be honest you don't NEED an e-ring.

As far as finances a good structure for people who are bad with money is to have two checking accounts and a savings. One checking account is for spending on everyday things the other is for bills. With the three accounts you can physically separate your money into spending, savings, and bills. You can even give yourself an allowance and only add a certain amount of money to your spending account every month. Also have him sign up for a daily email of his balance. This should help him manage his own money without feeling like he has to ask you for permission.

I wish you luck. Your boyfriend is acting flaky but he may just be scared of the commitment. Let him know that even though you really want to marry him marriage makes you nervous too, guys need to know that.

lililuvsrocky · April 2010

personally my fiance got me a ring that was about $500 and he told me that he will add a bigger diamond later due to our budget. I completely agree with him. I got my wrap so the solitaire ring won't look too plain and we will upgrade to a bigger diamond later. The payment plans on my engagement ring is $40/month and now I am wondering why your boyfriend can't afford that? $40 is not much, now my wrap was a little pricy but worth it... I say you have a serious talk with him about certain things when it comes to money because ... I can tell you..I have lived with my fiance for 2 years and money is a big issue, especially when one doesn't know how to spend it. G'luck though!

saccers · April 2010

Sorry if someone has already said this - I couldn't take the time to read every post. Have you ever read the book 'He's just not that into you'? You should. Not the movie, the book. You are NOT a gold digger. You sound like a normal person with completely reasonable expectations. As others have said, his money habits are the issue - but also the communication between the two of you. If you're worried that he's having doubts about getting married, shouldn't you speak with him openly and honestly? If there is no communication your marriage will not work. If you approach the subject with him and he's not forthcoming, I'd take a good hard look at that book I suggested.

christy29322 · April 2010

1. Definately go to premarital counseling! You need to be on the same page money-wise, and I know from experience the problem won't just disappear after the wedding. Love does not conquer all!
2.Step up & pay for the wedding yourselves, so you don't have to deal with the family drama.
3. Look at antique rings. Modern diamonds are severely overpriced. I picked out a beautiful 3-diamond ring from 1871 for $895. The main stone is .5 carat, (because that's as big as I wanted) but the color & clarity are better than modern diamonds I compared it with. We saw several beautiful antique rings with larger stones for much less than modern ones.

Good luck!

MrsBtwoB · April 2010

I had a similar issue. We kind of decided to get married in December and he gave me a CZ ring to wear. It was gorgeous and most people thought right away it was an engagement ring and real. He proposed New Year's Day. However, he didnt want to tell his family until we got the real ring, and he never wanted to go shopping with me. I told my mom and he actually was angry with me. I was so confused wondering if we were really engaged or fake engaged, would I ever have my real ring, would anyone ever KNOW? Well I accidently leaked it to his family about 2 months ago and they found out we were engaged. He did tell them we were but that we were waiting for the ring. This still seemed like it was never happening. He said he wanted me to pick my own ring so I would love it, but wouldnt even tell me my budget! After a lot of prodding and looking on my own I have had onmy finger for a week my beautiful and real engagement ring. I was upset I never got the real proposal, never go to exclaim to the world I am engaged, I was confused and hurt for awhile. I chose a solitaire to save him money because it is timeless and beautiful and costs a little less. I am not upset anymore, although it has been a hard first 6 months of my engagement but in the end I am going to be Mrs. B and I love him to death and I realize it didnt matter how it happened. I wish we had not gotten so angry about certain aspects because they dont matter in the long run. We have just set our date and NOW it feels real. I guess some guys have a hard time getting past that first part of the committment that for some reason rests entirely on their shoulders! However, I do not think this means they will not make a good husband. Also, some people are not good at savings. Perhaps you could help him to get organized. I would not run out and break up because he thinks other things are important. My fiance did that, he had other things to pay for that to him were priorities over my ring. I finally made him set the ring money aside and not touch it. Finally, dont listen to the snotty lady who says $800 for a ring is a joke. That is rude and materialistic. My ring was $600 and it is stunning. It is a symbol of the committment of my impending marriage and I feel it says we are practical while still having good taste. I wore a $30 cz ring for quite a few months that people thought was custom made. The ring is but a material symbol of the love that is shared and the promise made of forever. Good luck!

handenlove · April 2010

Your going to have the ring on your finger for the rest of your life.. I say go for the bigger ring.. not that you would ever sell it, but technically its an investment... rings always go up in price.. Plus now that youve seen the better ring.... do you want to look at your ring everytime and think that you settled and think of the ring you really wanted.. its not that big of a difference in price... i say get what you really want.. its not being a golddigger.. alot about a guy saving the money which is not supposed to be easy all to spend on the person he loves most.. is kind of the romantic part of it all..

and about your fiance delaying.. i wouldnt take it to heart.. i feel like alot of time boys.. and yea i guess sooooommmeeetimeess girls too haha have trouble prioritizing.. its not that he thinks spending money on hangin with friends is more important he is just living in the moment.. and since he knows he wants to be with you forever he doesnt see any urgency in the sitiuation to get it taken care of right now.. i would just let him know how it hurting your feelings.. and keep it light.. chances are he didnt even realize the signals he was giving you..

Albireo · April 2010

Also note that there's nothing wrong with a $500 ring at all! There's a possibility that he's just hiding his finances from you, and telling you that he can afford more than he really can. If that's the case, it needs to come out in the open, and you should get what you guys can afford.

My ring is being made for under $500. It's got a couple of antique diamonds from FH's grandmother's engagement ring. We're just having them reset in a ring I designed.

stacswain · April 2010

I actually didn't read all responses, so this maybe a dup response....and was going to suggest doing the Dave Ramsey "FInancial Peace" class.

With 50% of marriages failing these days and mainly due to financial issues this is one class i suggest everyone take that is engaged. Just go to www.daveramsey.com to find a local church/business that is doing this. BEST investment you could ever do.

My FI and took it way before getting engaged and am happy to say we are debt free and are paying for the wedding in CASH. It is the best feeling ever.

Sounds like your BF has a lot of issues that you both need to figure out before tying the knot. Communication is the best thing, and i'm sure he wil come around soon. BUT i would defiantly get things figured out before hand!

AND NOOOO you are NOt a gold digger for wanting a nice ring!

GOOD luck! AND congrats early......AND again look into doing the Financial Peace ....BOTH of you!!

elaine37 · April 2010

Seriously get counselling.

Sometimes you need an informal mediator to get the answers out.

It sounds to me that there's some underlying issue here that goes deeper than money.

Remember, love is only part of a good marriage. You have to be compatible in your use of finances, your goals and values as well.

miaabellana · May 2010

you said you would be fine without an engagement ring. this means you aren't a gold digger at all and any guy is lucky to have a fiancee like you. i think your problems go beyond the ring...are you ready to get married? no one is forcing you.

spawelski · May 2010

Do you really feel like you want to marry someone that doesn't make your needs a priority? Somone that takes something as important and your engagement ring as an errand not a symbol of his love for you? My finace and I have had very tight times with money but he saved over the course of a year, and had the ring MADE because it was cheaper than retail mark-up and he wanted to hand choose the perfect diamonds for me. It feels like you both are settling for something you're not really into. There needs to be a blend of both people's wants. Plus, how is he ever going to save for the important things over the course of your lifetime together (a house, children, family vacations, honeymoon, wedding) if he spends your ring money on dinners!? Ridiculous!

nsimon · May 2010

You are NOT a gold-digging wench for wanting the ring you love.... the ring is his sign of commitment to you, and you'll be wearing it the rest of your life. And under $1000 seems very reasonable! I had no idea how much my fiance was planning on spending for my ring until we went shopping so I could show him what I liked... .and he ended up spending way more than I thought he ever would!

But I think you are reasonable with the savings plan... why not extend it a little longer and get the ring you initially wanted?? Have you talked to him about this at all? I agree with everyone else when they say that his issues with money is what needs to be addressed like NOW... because that can put a lot of stress on your relationship further down the road.

Best of luck! I'm sure everything will work out.

alpesklevy · May 2010

Remember in the beginning you did want a ring at all? Think of it this way, if you get the smaller one you can upgrade later on or maybe get an anniversary ring (and have two!). I've been with my fiance for 9 years and we're getting married next year and I used to wonder if it was ever going to happen too. You have to talk to him and tell him your worries and frustrations, don't just wait for him to man up! (you man up too).

lamarsha1 · May 2010

This guy obviously does not want to get married - Hello! Red Flags everywhere - from not telling his parents to never getting together the money for a ring. My advice, run for the hills and set your sights higher.

DORIHAHN · May 2010

I fear that you have answered all of your own questions and are just looking for confirmation. I'm not trying to be mean, but people who want to get married get engaged, people who don't, don't. As far as the previous postings with regard to money issues... I agree. Please think long and hard about this scenario, and then add in children, extended family, christmases, birthdays, a house, groceries, and whatever else you can think of that costs any significant amount of money and ask yourself "Do I really want to live like this? Do I want to always worry about money and live paycheck-to-paycheck with nothing left?". Maybe it's not that bad? Maybe he just needs a plan, but he definitely needs to figure it out soon (and that shouldn't be your responsibility). If you are young, give it time, if you are older, move on... 5 years is a long time to be vested in someone who's not giving back!! Again, not trying to be mean, but if any part of you feels uneasy then you need to trust it!! Marriage is not easy, and money is the #1 cause of discord and divorce!

And what is this business of not telling people? When you ask someone to marry you, shouldn't you want everyone to know? Isn't the whole point of being engaged to tell the world at large that you are getting married and are officially "off the market"? That is telling, and I think you know it!

As far as you thinking that you are being a "gold digger"... Please! That's ridiculous, and I think you know that too!!!

koertig · May 2010

I don't think he's ready for commitment. Sounds like he has deeper issues. He may feel like he's been with you for so long that he doesn't know how to date anymore and just doesn't want to deal with dating again so he'd rather just stick it out with you and string you along but stall on making you his wife. You need to get to the bottom of his issues and figure out if you really want to spend the rest of your life with him.

My FI told his family, friends AND MY family that he was going to propose to me and when and how he was planning on doing it (I had no clue). So him telling you he doesn't want to tell his family doesn't sound right either because his whole family knew and my immediate family did too.

And the financaes thing, I agree with eveyone else, if he can't save for a $500 ring, how is it going to be later for bigger life purchases? A house, car, kids, and even smaller ones like a TV, computer and car repairs? Since this is an on-going problem, can you handle this for the rest of your life? You need to think long and hard if he is truly the right guy for you.

lattelady1975 · May 2010

I would truly evaluate your intuitive feelings. You need to think long term. Five years and no commitment, also finances can tear you apart when you are married. You have to evaluate if this is truly what you want or if you should walk away for a little while. Let him get himself together to evaluate what he wants and to put his priorities in order. You cannot change a person, you can only love them and support them. Remember you are marrying for better or for worse. I wish you nothing but the best. Good luck! And may everything work itself out.

kprahl · May 2010

I say, find out if it's a commitment issue or not. Tell him that you want a courtroom ceremony and a wedding band now. For your 5 year wedding anniversary you can have a real wedding and get an engagement/anniversary ring.

Honestly the ring should be something that represents your love and should be an investment. It sounds like a $500 ring is something that you're settling on and will not be worth anything once it's purchased.

stram296 · May 2010

no! many marriages end over money (just look at what you said about your mom and step-dad?)! I would be extremely worried if i were you that he can't even save 1 paycheck. That is really bad. Like the other's said, what about buying a house? You're going to have to be 100% in charge of the household money for the rest of your life. that's a big responsibility to deal with and could cause future conflicts. This is a tough situation for you.

Am I a horrible gold-digging wench?

Re: Am I a horrible gold-digging wench?

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