Help! Flower Girl Trouble!

littlemisslizzie · April 2010

I am having a dilemma. My fiance and I have a young daughter who is going to be our "flower girl" although she's only going to be 13 months for the wedding. We were happy with the choice because she's our daughter and we were going to have our ring bearers (two little boy twins) pull her down the aisle in a wagon, cute!

Well the problem is my fiance has a little soon-to-be 8 year old cousin who has her heart set on being in the wedding. I talked to her mother and grandmother and even my future in -laws about this and told them our plan to have our baby in it. It seemed like everyone was happy with our choice.

Well now my fiance's little cousin askes me everytime I see her what she is wearing for the wedding (as the flower girl) and her mom just laughs at her, knowing that I wasn't planning on having her in the wedding! On top of it my in-laws all of a sudden are telling me that little cousin does better with a "job" yet she clings to her mother and grandmother anytime anything is asked of her. Or better, she cries. She's been a flower girl twice before and cried the entire way down the aisle while her mother walks with her. I don't want that.

I also don't want to be the one who crushes a little girl's dream either. She is a sweetheart but isn't it her mother's responsibility to talk to her about it? Or should I tell her? Or I can even talk to her mother and ask her to explain it to her daughter. But I thought I had already done this the right way by talking to my fiance's family members way in advance. Either way I look awful. Am I totally wrong? Help!

tidetravel · April 2010

You've made your decision about the wedding party. It includes your daughter. It does not include your FI's cousin. From the way that her mother acts, it sounds as if the little girl is used to getting her way. The next time she asks, I would simply tell her that your daughter is the flower girl in your wedding, not her. If she cries, her mother can deal with her. She should have dealt with it in the beginning, and not gotten her hopes up in the first place.

ETA: next time it comes up, I would have FI talk to his family about the choice. That way they know it's a joint decision and not something that you are steamrolling.

sky7563 · April 2010

I can see your dilemma. I too believe you have made your decision and cannot please everyone. However, it is difficult at times when you want to keep the peace and even more difficult when a child is involved. It appears that the appropriate adults are not handling it very well so perhaps you could talk to the child yourself.

If possible you could buy a "special" dress for her wear at your wedding. Not a flower girl dress or anything but a pretty dress that goes with your colors at the store. Give it to her, explain to her that your daughter is going to be the flower girl but you would like her to have another very special role in your wedding, then ask her to hand out programs, bubbles, water, fans, ribbons, tissues, etc. whatever it is that you can include her in. You could even ask her to help you during the day by getting things you need. Make sure to explain what she will and will not be doing...for instance, that she will not be walking down the isle, etc.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My brother got married two years ago. He could not include all of the children in the family...particularly two of our cousins whom we are close with (one being 8 years old). They were not happy but it was handled well by all adults. They were asked to help and got some pictures taken (mostly because we are all so close to them). You could do that as well to appease the situation if needed.

littlemisslizzie · April 2010

Thank you for all the GREAT advice! It really was super helpful!

I think that the idea of giving her a role in the wedding is a great idea. And I agree that it was her mom's responsibility to talk to her but for fear of her mother's lack of compassion, I think I will talk to her myself about it and explain it just how you said. Handing little things out is perfect for her and she's been asking if she can wear her first communion dress which would be great seeing as I remember as a child I was in love with my communion dress and only ever got to wear it once. Excellent!

And, yes, to answer the questions about the little cousin's mom she is a bit immature herself. So I believe it's silly for me to even bother talking to her because in the end it will just hurt her daughter's feelings and I love her to pieces so I certainly don't want to see her crushed.

I know my daughter will be young but she isn't throwing petals or anthing and she's my little girl so absolutely she will be apart of the wedding! If she cries it is to be expected and will make for a fun story and cute pictures. When an eight year old cries then it is just a little immature and not so widely accepted. Additionally, who would substitute their own little one for someone else's little one? Seems a bit backwards to me!

Thank you again! I will talk any advice I can and if anyone has any additional ideas please let me know! I know I'm a funny case when it comes to getting married because we already have a daughter but our plans were already postponed the first time when we found out I was pregnant and I just want to enjoy my wedding and have my guests, friends, and family be happy too!

emilykathleen511 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_flower-girl-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:354d23d3-9c08-4da8-a928-01b590bf9384Post:aa477de3-8bb8-4413-aa1c-eebe2888158a">Re: Help! Flower Girl Trouble!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for all the GREAT advice! It really was super helpful! I think that the idea of giving her a role in the wedding is a great idea. And I agree that it was her mom's responsibility to talk to her but for fear of her mother's lack of compassion, I think I will talk to her myself about it and explain it just how you said. Handing little things out is perfect for her and she's been asking if she can wear her first communion dress which would be great seeing as I remember as a child I was in love with my communion dress and only ever got to wear it once. Excellent! And, yes, to answer the questions about the little cousin's mom she is a bit immature herself. So I believe it's silly for me to even bother talking to her because in the end it will just hurt her daughter's feelings and I love her to pieces so I certainly don't want to see her crushed. I know my daughter will be young but she isn't throwing petals or anthing and she's my little girl so absolutely she will be apart of the wedding! If she cries it is to be expected and will make for a fun story and cute pictures. When an eight year old cries then it is just a little immature and not so widely accepted. Additionally, who would substitute their own little one for someone else's little one? Seems a bit backwards to me! Thank you again! I will talk any advice I can and if anyone has any additional ideas please let me know! I know I'm a funny case when it comes to getting married because we already have a daughter but our plans were already postponed the first time when we found out I was pregnant and I just want to enjoy my wedding and have my guests, friends, and family be happy too!
Posted by littlemisslizzie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This sounds like a great plan. Usually it is not a great idea to have babies in the wedding party, but I think since it is your daughter and you are prepared and okay with it if she cries or whatever, I think your plan is perfect. Good luck!

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