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Just Engaged and Proposals
JessersLA
member
Sibling's wedding affecting our engagement - need advice, please! :)
We've been engaged since October and still have gotten nowhere with planning and it's because we can't agree on a date. I'm so glad this forum is here because I really need some advice.
My ideal wedding would be in September. I love fall, the colors, the weather, everything. We've also decided that neither of us want an insanely long engagement- hopefully no more than a year because we've been living together for 5 years and are just ready to take the next step. Plus both of us have elderly grandparents that we want there on the day. So getting married in Sept 2010 made so much sense.
The problem is, FI's brother has been engaged for over a year now and are getting married October 3, 2010. FI says that we can't get married anywhere near their wedding, so we either have to wait 2 years for September 2011, or try to pull a wedding together in 6 months by May or June of 2010. I don't think we can do it that soon because we are self financing. I'm an only child and don't understand why we can't have our wedding a month before FI's brother's? Their wedding will be big and elaborate and we are planning something small and intimate. We're not trying to steal anyone's thunder, but I was under the impression that it's all about us and our love and that we shouldn't let someone else dictate what we do with our wedding?
We are planning on being married outside in PA so we only have a small window of time during the year that we can do that. Any advice on this would be insanely helpful- we just can't see eye to eye on this.
My ideal wedding would be in September. I love fall, the colors, the weather, everything. We've also decided that neither of us want an insanely long engagement- hopefully no more than a year because we've been living together for 5 years and are just ready to take the next step. Plus both of us have elderly grandparents that we want there on the day. So getting married in Sept 2010 made so much sense.
The problem is, FI's brother has been engaged for over a year now and are getting married October 3, 2010. FI says that we can't get married anywhere near their wedding, so we either have to wait 2 years for September 2011, or try to pull a wedding together in 6 months by May or June of 2010. I don't think we can do it that soon because we are self financing. I'm an only child and don't understand why we can't have our wedding a month before FI's brother's? Their wedding will be big and elaborate and we are planning something small and intimate. We're not trying to steal anyone's thunder, but I was under the impression that it's all about us and our love and that we shouldn't let someone else dictate what we do with our wedding?
We are planning on being married outside in PA so we only have a small window of time during the year that we can do that. Any advice on this would be insanely helpful- we just can't see eye to eye on this.
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Re: Sibling's wedding affecting our engagement - need advice, please! :)
Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
We pulled ours together in ten weeks (which also goes to show we would not want to wait two years!). We are paying for it and planning for it entirely on our own as well.
However, it does not sound like you want a spring wedding anyway!
Your FI's brother and his fiancee get ONE day (and they still have to share it with the rest of the world). It would be silly to plan the wedding for the SAME day as theirs but other than that, it is not at all improper to have a wedding the month before. They don't get an entire week, month, and definitely not the month before. On that note, should Halloween be cancelled next year too?
I mean, it is your FI's wedding as much as yours, and you need to agree to something together and you have equal weight in those decisions.....however I am quite lost as to his reasoning.
I say do it in 6 months! totally doable!
I get you do not understand. But 2 wedding close together can put a strain on some families. Not so much for the extended family. But for parents and siblings can be a lot to deal with.
I would wait until September 2011 because it seems like you really want a fall wedding (which always turns out beautiful). I think you may still have people talk if you do it in May or June. I know it should not be like that but a lot of people do feel like their wedding should not be anywhere near someone else's. ( Unfortunately, I too hold that opinion. lol)
Do exactly what you want to do. It gives the family more stuff to celebrate. A month between weddings is PLENTY of time. Plus the groom's family isn't really responsible for a lot so it's not like they have two daughters and are dealing with multiple dress hunting etc. Have it in September if you can't finance it by May. FWIW it is doable to do it in 6 months though. Check out the budget board.
40/112
The only thing that I would be worried about is if there are a lot of OOT guests that would have to travel for both weddings. If so, then some people might decline one wedding to attend the other.
I know the May/June wedding is doable in 6 months, but since we are self financing and both work freelance, I'm concerned about pulling the money together in such a short amount of time.
My FI's side does not have many OOT guests: only his mother, stepfather, and grandmother that would attend both weddings. Our wedding is small, roughly 75-80 guests vs. his brother's wedding which has a nearly 300 person guest list. My FI and I are in his brother's wedding and have asked both of them to be in ours. When we asked them to be in ours, we brought up a possibility of having it before theirs and they seemed to clam up. Later, my FI's FSIL confronted him about it being too much for the family: a distant cousin is getting married the same year and another one is pregnant. She thought it was best we wait everything out so that we would "get better presents without putting anyone out." Since that conversation, we've come to a halt about picking a date and haven't been able to work past this since.
At this point, the only thing we agree on is not wanting a long engagement, but it seems like my FBIL and FSIL are making it almost impossible not to wait at least a year and a half. It's been a point of frustration for both of us, as I'm sure you can see, and I appreciate all of your input. Thanks
However doing it in May or June is still a good option. Since your wedding is smaller you have tons of options to make this work within your budget. Feel free to Private Message me if you need help. My brother has a guest list of 60 and a budget of under 5,000 and we had less than 4 months to put it together.
We made it work and it's coming together lovely!
Good luck, keep us posted!
I would save up what money you can and do it in September. And there's no way I would wait a whole year to keep my wedding in the fall. IMO I'd rather change it to a Christmas wedding and just get married - but to each their own!
If you want Fall go for Fall. Maybe consider late November instead of September if you are really worried about being too close! My only hesitation would be FILS, if they are fully on board for two weddings so close then I say go for it. I would not want to wait until 2011 if you could do it sooner!
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I say do it how you want to do it. You family loves you and will understand. Besides a month it a good amount of cooling down time, just make sure it's early September. You deserve to have the wedding you have dreamed of, and you shouldn't have to wait another year.
RSVP Date August 1st
[QUOTE]I agree with your fiance, your FSIL and BIL have been planning this day for almost 2 years, to come in and get married a month before them is a slap in the face and looks very bad. I had a friend who did exactly that to his brother and EVERYONE talked about what a jerk he was, people were pissed that he took away from his brothers wedding. I say do it in 6 months! totally doable!
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]
Oh for craps sake. It is not a slap in the face. Everyone gets one day. ONE.DAY. And it's a month apart. Seriously. Get over it.
Have your wedding when you want.
I agree with your FSIL. I think she has a right to feel the way she does. You said yourself you're an only child and you've never had to share the spotlight.
Right now I've got a sister in law that wants to be SO into the wedding, put her in my dress and it could be her wedding. It makes me upset because she's taking the moment away from her brother and I...which she always does. My FI has never had something just for him. Their birthdays are a week apart, hers first and his a week later, so even though he's older, they celebrate on her birthday and on his birthday he's lucky he even gets a call from his mother or father (actually this year his father forgot) to say happy birthday.
They've waited SO long for their moment (my FI and I have been engaged for almost 3 years), if you wait longer you could have more money to go a bigger. And I don't mean people, you could have shrimp instead of chicken or something like that. Just think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
[QUOTE]I'm so going to get flamed for this.... I agree with your FSIL. I think she has a right to feel the way she does. You said yourself you're an only child and you've never had to share the spotlight. Right now I've got a sister in law that wants to be SO into the wedding, put her in my dress and it could be her wedding. It makes me upset because she's taking the moment away from her brother and I...which she always does. My FI has never had something just for him. Their birthdays are a week apart, hers first and his a week later, so even though he's older, they celebrate on her birthday and on his birthday he's lucky he even gets a call from his mother or father (actually this year his father forgot) to say happy birthday. They've waited SO long for their moment (my FI and I have been engaged for almost 3 years), if you wait longer you could have more money to go a bigger. And I don't mean people, you could have shrimp instead of chicken or something like that. Just think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
Posted by nightmare_of_beauty[/QUOTE]
Oh no. No, no no no no no no NO. What if she doesn't care about "going bigger"? Ugh. That's just gross and so materialistic. So what if his sister tries to overshadow your FI all the time? All it does is make her look like a prissy AW, and you look bad for even falling for it. Complaining about it makes you look like an immature brat and not the other way around.
You realize that normal, sane people don't really care if someone gets married *gasp* before them, right?
The fact is that my FI and I live on the other side of the country from his brother and FSIL and barely see them twice a year. My FI was close with his brothers growing up, but we moved away 5 years ago, and I hardly know FSIL at all. I was shocked when she announced I would be a bridesmaid to her (announced, not asked) and I only asked her to do the same for us upon the urging of my FI. So it's not as though we are close at all.
My FI and I have decided to try to resolve this by Christmas. We've been engaged for over a month and want to start planning our wedding, but at the same time, we don't want to have anybody mad at us while we do it and cause some sort of dumb family feud. We'll be with family for the holidays and can sit down and have a real conversation about it. Hopefully we can come to a reasonable solution.
Thanks for all the help ladies- will keep you posted!
[QUOTE]You realize that normal, sane people don't really care if someone gets married *gasp* before them, right?
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]
Amen to that! I don't see the big deal either. My BFF from high school got engaged way before I did, but our wedding is Aug 28 and theirs is Sept 25. They chose to have a longer engagement since they are footing the bill for everything (almost 2yrs opposed to our 10mos). I'm one of her BMs and she is one of mine, and I asked her if she minded that we were getting married first and she laughed saying it never crossed her mind.
We're more excited about being able to plan together! Since you're not close to your FSIL you could use the opportunity to get to know her better and share ideas.
But if you want to get married in September, I would say just go for it. Unless FBIL and his fianceé are insane, they aren't going to mind if you get married a month before they do.
I'm in a similar situation-- my brother and I got engaged within 12 hours of each other, without knowing it until after. We also both wanted Fall 2010 and we agreed we would try and keep it a month apart so it wouldn't get too crazy. He even offered for my wedding to be first, since it is his second marriage, but I told him that was ridiculous, they were equally as important. It ended up they had to do it later because of the venue being booked, so we'll be about 2 months apart. And a little selfishly, I actually am glad that mine ended up being first, though I would never tell them that.
I will say I can kind of a little bit understand your FSIL. The fact that they have been planning it so long changes things slightly. I agree with others that having yours after theirs might appease them. That said, if you sit down and talk with them and explain, they really should just get over it. Good luck.
Spreading the weddings out seems to overall make more sense to me. That way, it'll be less hectic, less stressful and each bride gets more time to bask in the glow of engagement. Otherwise, it does put a bit of a strain on the family and each couple gets a little short-changed. Plus, spreading them out just means spreading out the celebrations! More fun than having them all crammed together, no?
I think going with November is a little kinder if you really want to do it next fall. Or, if you are open to a May/June wedding, why not May/June 2011? that way, you don't have to pull it all together in 6 months, but you also don't have to wait two years... May 2011 is less thana year and a half away! Sort of a compromise! I wanted a fall wedding too, but I'm not up for rushing to get it done for 2010, so we're gonna go for Spring 2011.