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Mom's guest list

llevinellevine
10 Comments
in Moms and Maids
So since the very beginning this has been an issue. My mom is insisting on inviting people from her office that I do NOT know. People that would not know me if they bumped into me at the mall. I do not want peope I don't know at my wedding. Plus due to her number of guest my FI and I can't invite everyone we would like to invite to our wedding.

I was hoping she would change her mind about inviting her office friends, but now that we are making the final list and getting invitations addressed I see that's not happening. I'm soooooo annoyed and frustrated with her. Everytime I mention it to her she says "I'm a control freak", this is the only issue we have had any problems with the entire planning process. She feels that since it's her money she can invite who she wants. She even told my MIL (who is paying for half of the wedding) that "Her list is not changing and no one can tell her to change it since she is spending so much money on this wedding." How embarrassing!

Does anyone have any suggestions or has anyone been dealing with a similiar issue.

I really do NOT want complete strangers at my wedding.
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Re: Mom's guest list

  • KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Unless you can talk calmly with her I don't think there is anything you can do.  If she is hosting she can invite people.  It sucks, but I'm sorry.
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moms-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:43be1fa8-7e75-4d04-900d-eb639b3b8995Post:6666b250-0814-4a36-bc70-d84728d8b2fb">Mom's guest list</a>:
    [QUOTE]So since the very beginning this has been an issue. My mom is insisting on inviting people from her office that I do NOT know. People that would not know me if they bumped into me at the mall. I do not want peope I don't know at my wedding. Plus due to her number of guest my FI and I can't invite everyone we would like to invite to our wedding. I was hoping she would change her mind about inviting her office friends, but now that we are making the final list and getting invitations addressed I see that's not happening. I'm soooooo annoyed and frustrated with her. Everytime I mention it to her she says "I'm a control freak", this is the only issue we have had any problems with the entire planning process. <strong>She feels that since it's her money she can invite who she wants.</strong> She even told my MIL (who is paying for half of the wedding) that "Her list is not changing and no one can tell her to change it since she is spending so much money on this wedding." How embarrassing! Does anyone have any suggestions or has anyone been dealing with a similiar issue. I really do NOT want complete strangers at my wedding.
    Posted by llevine[/QUOTE]<div>Since she's paying she gets a say.  That's the issue with accepting money from people, it comes with strings.  </div><div>
    </div><div>My opinion on wedding stress is this, if it doesn't interfere with you and your FI saying your vows then it's not worth the fight.  Think about the end result.  That's what is important.  You will probably only see the people your mom wants to invite for maybe a minute max.  I would just let your mom have this one and move on.  </div><div>
    </div>
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  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If you're accepting your mom's money, then you have to accept it with strings attached.  Money = control.

    If you want to control the guest list, then you need to pay for your own wedding.

    I agree Jagore - in the grand scheme of things the guest list is definitely not worth picking a fight over.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If your mother and fmil are paying for your wedding, they can invite whoever they want. You could ask her to compromise, but it sounds like she has made up her mind on the guest list. If space allows, you and fi could pay for the guests you want to add to the list.
                       
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  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry, I understand how frustrating this must be for you, but your mom is right.  Since she's paying she can invite who she wants.  If limiting your guest list is really important to you, then decline her money.  You have to take the bad with the good, and it's clear that her money comes with strings attached.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Though I feel bad for your situation there is basically nothing you can really do if your mom is adament about inviting them and she is paying. The only way for you to totally control the guest list is to decline your mom's money and pay for the wedding yourself. Like the PP, she gave you money with strings (being her coworkers) if you can't live with it you need to decline the money and pay for the people you want.
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  • sprtychick10sprtychick10
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I hate to repeat what the other PP's have said, but since your mom is paying for the wedding, she has the ultimate say on who she wants to invite. There are people my parents want to invite and I have to bite my tongue from saying I don't want to to invite them but ultimately since my parents are paying for the wedding, they get the final say on who is coming. 

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  • jessshireyjessshirey member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You never know they might not even show up. They might feell ackward going. If it was me and I was your mom's co-worker and was invited to the wedding I don't think I would go. I never understand how parents think its ok to invite them. Weddings makes some people crazy. Good luck!
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  • R.WilsonnyR.Wilsonny member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    See....this is exactly why I am not taking any money from anyone who has offered to help pay for the wedding because then that means relinquishing control ;)

    It's been offered, but I have not taken a dime from anyone.....and when certain parties have tried to dictate to me what to do with the wedding, I have been able to firmly plant my foot down and say no without feeling any guilt. Feels good to be paying for the wedding without any help....
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  • ckonidakckonidak member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am so sorry that you're going through this. PP's are right, as I am sure you understand, so just focus on the fact that no matter who is there, you're getting married to the person that you love!  I have to say, I am so completely thankful to our families (my dad is paying 3/4 of the wedding costs, and not putting any strings on it at all, and the FI's parents are pitching in to cover food because they have such a huge chunk of our guest list). Everyone is cooperating and being supportive.  I am seriously blessed and am so thankful to not have to fight about guest list stuff. We do have some family additions to the guest list that I think are unnecessary, but I just let it go.  It's just not worth the stress!
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  • RiRi157RiRi157
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    They are not complete strangers to her. It's her daughters wedding why can't she have some friends there.

    Are you always this nice to your mother.

    She is paying.  You are acting like a brat, it is your day and your way.

    Grow up it's not the end of the world if your mom wants to invite some friends from work.
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  • shoebieshoebie member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We choose to wait 2 years to get married to have our own money so no one has a say but us tell your mom you are considering pushing off the wedding until you can afford the half your fi's parents are not paying or limit her to whatever number is left over after you invite all your friends ppl you want there should come first this is not a place for her to show off to the office thats what pics are for
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  • shoebieshoebie member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    riri did you read the part where she cant invite people she wants because her mom has to many ppl coming ?!?!?!!?
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  • adropadrop member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the comments saying she's paying so she can invite who she wants.  However...

    Now, I know you've said you've talked to her about this but have you discussed it calmy, explaining to her that yes, you know she is spending a lot for you but you would prefer people who have been in your life to be invited to the wedding?  Can you come to some sort of a comprimise where perhaps your Mum invites those colleague that really are friends of hers (parents like to celebrate their childrens marriages with their friends) and replaces the others with your guests?  It's a tough situation but don't let it ruin your wedding.  If your Mum just isn't going to give, I think you should just let it go.
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  • DondadaTimes2DondadaTimes2
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My mom is the same way...unfortunately, my mother is also paying and I have had to suck it up and deal with it...you're going to have to do the same.

    If you have friends being cut off the list so hers can be added I suggest you calmly talk to her about that. Ask that she cut a few so you can have people you want there...but unless you're adding $$, she can say no and theres not much you can do. 

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  • klasnd22klasnd22
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    (Disclaimer) She said jokingly...
    You can always play the guilt game with her. As you are making cuts to the guest list casually remark with a deep sigh "Mark Anderson. You know he introduced the two of us. Too bad we can't invite him to the wedding" Another sigh. "Emily Sysco. You remember her? She was my college roommate for 3 years. You invited her to Thanksgiving for the past 2 years. Shame we can't invite her to our wedding."


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  • erolliserollis member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Your mother does get a say in who is invited. So does your FMIL who is also paying half. It seems bad that your mother is not budging but your FMIL seems more flexible on the guest list. I think that reflects poorly on your mother.

    If you only have 10 friends invited to your 200 person wedding then I really think your mom needs to allow you to spend the wedding with people a bit more meaningful then all of her coworkers. Is her list also cutting into who your Fiance wants to invite? Then you would have an even bigger problem.


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  • bdrileybdriley
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Who's in charge of the invitations?  If FMIL is then she has ultimate control of who is invited.  It isn't just your mom that's paying and your mom needs to respect that FMIL has a right to say no too.  She may be "putting her foot down" with you but she has no right to be a pushy B to the other person paying an EQUAL share.  If your FMIL feels strongly about the guest list being who YOU want there then have her go to bat for you against your mother.
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  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moms-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:43be1fa8-7e75-4d04-900d-eb639b3b8995Post:a02924a1-4ed4-4e58-8b5f-2d5f6a85d22e">Re: Mom's guest list</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who's in charge of the invitations?  If FMIL is then she has ultimate control of who is invited.  It isn't just your mom that's paying and your mom needs to respect that FMIL has a right to say no too.  She may be "putting her foot down" with you but she has no right to be a pushy B to the other person paying an EQUAL share.  If your FMIL feels strongly about the guest list being who YOU want there then have her go to bat for you against your mother.
    Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]
    This seems like the perfect recipe for a lifelong family feud.  OP should deal with her own mother, not hide behind her FMIL.  If they're both paying, then yes, they both get input, but the last thing you want to do is set them up to fight.
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  • nlsantosnlsantos
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    sigh. i'm dealing with teh same thing. it makes me want to run away and not have a ceremony/reception.. my mom graciously offered to help and when we talked about having a small wedding (100 ppl) she agreed... we talked about the guest list and who we would invite, who was important, etc.. she totally agreed. and then she went to mexico to visit "family" i have never met and have no idea how we are actually related and drunkenly invited like 15 of them.. and told me indignantly that i have to deal. she said she would pay for them but that's not the issue.. the issue is that i told her i want an intimate wedding with people who will actually love to be there for ME, not for a party and i hoped she would respect that. i totally feel your pain..

    i dunno.. what i told my mom was that i'm cool with her inviting her very close relatives from mexico i don't really know? and she dropped 3 names.. i've heard the names several times so i'm fine with that. maybe sit down with your mom and tell her its important to you and ask who she REALLY wants there? rather than just the whole office? good luck. i hope you at least get to work through it and get a happily ever after wedding :)
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