Registering and Gifts

From a guest

I went to 3 out of town weddings in October, and unfortunately just plain couldn't afford to give a gift at the time of the wedding.  For two of the girls I took care of the gift as soon as I got paid again, but for one I still haven't.  She's registered at Macy's, but from the looks of the registry a lot of the items left are upgrades on stuff she already has.

She recently posted on FB that her and her new hubby were looking for a place to get away for a weekend, but they really couldn't afford much.  
Would it be alright for me to give them a gift certificate to a B&B about an hour away from where they live that I know she loves instead of a traditional gift?  Or should I stick with the registry and get her a nice cake plate and cake pan or something?

Re: From a guest

  • I think the B&B is a good idea if you know for a fact that the couple will use it and enjoy it.  I mean, if you heard them say something like "We really would love to go someplace like Oak Harbor House, but we just can't afford it" then go for it.   Even for my H and I, who love doing stuff like that, it might be difficult for us to schedule and we might never actually do it, even if we said we really really wanted to.

    When in doubt, cash always makes a good gift.  I'm sure the couple would appreciate a check in the ammount that you would have spent on the B&B (or whatever ammount you're comfortable giving them).   
  • I would just ask them if they want the B&B trip, so you don't waste your money if they don't.  "I wanted to get you a wedding gift and was thinking a gift certificate to xyz b&b would be nice.  Would you like to go there, or should I pick something off your registry?"  You can always give cash, if you're comfortable doing that, which they can use toward a get away of their choosing.

  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2012
    I think the B&B idea is awesome.  They can use it whenever they want - it's not like it's a given for a particular day.

    Personally, I hate buying from the registry.  I usually go with something that is thoughtful and I know the couple would appreciate outside of the registry stuff.  If I'm a bit more distant from the bride and groom, I get a registry gift and pair it with something else that matches but is thoughtful.

    I get that registries exist for a reason, but just buying a coffeemaker or something is so boring to me.
  • Really? We needed a better food processor and our blender was crap. Upgrading made no sense why?
  • I'm on team upgrade.  I also generally trust my friends to register for things they actually want, to exercise good judgment with what needs to be upgraded, and to donate items they are replacing to avoid waste.  (Recent posts on this board about returning gifts for cash and registering for crap aside.)

  • FancypantsamyFancypantsamy member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited November 2012
    I am so glad my friends  and family weren't looking down their nose at my registry of upgrades. Sure, H and I had most things in our apartment... but our pots and pans were rusty hand me downs that my roommate abandoned in my apartment when she moved across country because they have originally been given to her by an aunt that used them for 20 years prior. My toaster was a fire hazard and my every day dishes were chipped and didn't match. Sure, I had the stuff, but the upgrades have been so wonderful!
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  • In Response to <a href=" BoardsForum:34Discussion:a1b4f661-d2c4-4efb-ad79-ea8fce12d958Post:f1be2bf8-abc0-4a6c-b6af-7e6af1e8a904">Re:From a guest</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:From a guest:   <strong>Sure, you are welcome to register for upgrades, but I sure won't buy them for you. Nor would I buy you a crystal bowl or candle stick holders.
    </strong>Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

    Out of curiousity, then what would you buy someone off of their registry?  I can't think of one thing on my registry that doesn't qualify as a "wasteful" upgrade by your definition or fall under the category of crystal bowls and candlestick holders.  Towels, sheets, pots, pans, dishes, small kitchen appliances (how do you know whether or not I already owned a coffeemaker at all before I got engaged?  did you know that my KA would actually be the first one I've ever owned?).  Do I have to show you the holes in my towels or prove to you that I have owned them since college before you would buy me more towels off of my registry? 

    OP-   I would go the cash route if you are comfortable doing that or a gift card to the one of the stores they are registered at.  I would be very hesitant to get them a GC to a vacation getaway place without being 100% certain they will actually use it. 
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  • Wow. So do you only own 2 pairs of pants or do you need more to wear on that high horse of yours?
  • In Response to <a href="">Re:From a guest</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow. So do you only own 2 pairs of pants or do you need more to wear on that high horse of yours?
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
     Not a general poster on this board but I need to let you know I spit my drink out laughing at this.
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  • My question is: how do you know if it's an upgrade or not? That makes no sense to me. Do you ask them before buying: "just to make sure, you don't have XYZ, right? Because if you do and this is just an upgrade, I'm not buying it."

    This was a quote from you (bolding is mine):
    "If I know a friend drinks coffee, I assume they already have a coffee maker, and I won't get them that."

    You're running around accusing others in this thread, namely Stage, of making assumptions, yet you admitted to assuming yourself and truly having no idea what your friends have or don't have. I love coffee. Until about 6 months ago when H and I finally decided to buy a Keurig that was on sale, we had no coffee maker. I'd spend money going to Starbucks a few times a week, which is why we finally invested in the Keurig.

    You seem to make a lot of assumptions about people for someone wagging your finger at others who supposedly do. I don't care how well you know your friends, I don't know of anyone that inspects someone's towels or goes through their cabinets when in their house to see exactly what they have and exactly what state of deterioriation it is in to know whether it's an upgrade or not. Plus unless something is totally broken, I don't know of one single person that just chucks something that still works. Everyone I know including myself will donate it to Goodwill or just give it to a friend/family member who wants it if we get something newer.

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  • Wow, this got kind of intense while I was at work!

    And I'm not against upgrades, but from what I've been hearing from the friend, right now she needs a get-away more than stuff.  I might be wrong though, so I'll just give cash.  Honestly, the main reason I've been staying away from just doing that is because I don't have any checks right now, which is a silly reason.

    Also, weighing in on the giving-things-off-the-registry topic that is happening here,  I am a professional chef, so sometimes when people register for kitchen stuff that isn't right/not a good quality, I will get them what I think they should have.

    Also, a Costco membership tends to be my go-to wedding gift if I know the couple doesn't have and wants one.
  • In Response to <a href="">Re:From a guest</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:From a guest :<strong> You are making unfounded assumptions based on your own experiences.</strong> If you'll read my above posts, you'll see I give off registry.  Which IS choosing a gift with the couple in mind. Also, I never said couples shouldn't register for upgrades.  What I did say is that I don't give upgrades as gifts.
    Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]
    I <strong>hate to say it, but making assumptions from experiences is usually the "best" way to go if you are going to be making assumptions. It means the assumptions are founded and not pulled from an anus</strong>... Just throwing it out there.... 

    Sleeper, To specifically not buy something because it's purely an upgrade (towel example) is a little too cold. Maybe the couple is trying to create "their" new bedroom/bathroom? Not just "his" or "her" stuff? Sure they probably have some sheets/towels/pillows/comforter, but it doesn't necessarily reflect both of their tastes. I can get why, if you know the couple already owns an appliance, you don't purchase it, but if they had a hand-me-down blender where the motor still works but the seal on the bottom is gone so everything leaks out (persnal experience- this does happen with 25 yo blenders), don't you think it's within their right to request one? It's not "broken" but it certainly doens't work properly. Just because someone owns something doesn't mean it provides the same functionality that a new one does. I suggest that you spend some time pondering why couples register for upgrades before you make a hard and fast rule for yourself. If at the end of your thoughts, you feel the same way, that's fine, just know that you'll continue to catch some flack.

    OP, I agree with PP's who said to get a GC from a store the registered for or give a check. Maybe write a note in the card saying "I hope you can use this towards that vaca you're hoping to have!" to get your point across.
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  • In Response to Re:From a guest:[QUOTE]I don't find the quot;opinionquot; that any bride who registers for upgrades is wasteful and irresponsible as one worth respecting. nbsp;If that makes me a child, then okay, fine. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I must be a toddler then.
  • I agree with Stage (and others). The most narrow-minded and condescending viewpoint I have seen in this thread is yours, Sleeper. To use your terminology and comparison, that's rather childish.

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  • I don't think the couple put items on the registry they didn't want.  I'd shop the registry.  I also see no problem upgrading.   I could not imagine using the same old cheap plastic mixing bowls I had when I was 20!   I have since upgraded to stainless steel bowls, and did the platic bowls go to waste?  No.  They were donated.  How is donating something to someone in need wasting?
  • Yeah... the one and only thing on our registry I can't live without is an upgrade.  It's a new iron.  I'm using my mother's that she bought in 1981.  That thing is a dinosaur, and while it still turns on it's a huge fire hazard and has started making a weird clicking sound whenever I use it.  I've half convinced myself it's going to explode if I keep using it, so I only use it in dire emergencies.

    We registered for a rowenta because FI and I are both lawyers (he's a soon-to-be lawyer) and we need to be able to iron our dress shirts, etc.  If anybody finds it wasteful that we want a nice iron because ours now makes weird sounds, so be it. 
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  • As a bride who got a million off registry gifts she couldn't use....PLEASE STICK TO THE REGISTRY!!!  Unless she is like your BFF or get her okay on the B&B idea I would go with a Macy's gift card or gift and call it a day.  A vacation is nice, but can someone aside from your FI or you really plan what you want?
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  • Wow! Picking out a gift for someone is a personal decision and the giver has the right to decide what they see fit. She posted her opinion on a anonymous forum and (hopefully) didn't tell the bride and groom she didn't approve of what was on their registry. Doing so would be rude, like buying them china in a different pattern because you don't like the one they picked. But I don't think that is what we are talking about here.

    As far as the B&B gift certificate, unless you are absolutely certain of where they would want to stay, I think you should send them some money with a card saying, I saw on FB that you wanted to get away, hopefully you can use this to do so. I would not appreciate someone picking out a B&B for me.
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  • We registered for upgrades on a few items and as the items are still in very useable condition, I am donating them to a local charity where they will continue to benefit someone.

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