How do you handle guests who did not bring you a gift?

xstaticnyc · July 2010

Hi, I just had my wedding 10 days ago and now that I've gone through gifts I've realized that quite a few of my friends did not bring one to the wedding. I'm a little upset because this is not etiquette that I practice. I never go to a wedding empty-handed. Not only that, some of these folks didn't travel far, just locally, and don't have financial problems. One guest in particular didn't give us a gift when especially I traveled across the country to be in her wedding and gave about $150 in cash as a wedding gift to them. I got nothing from her and she traveled locally to my wedding. It's very disturbing. Is it too much too soon to reach out and ask these folks that I'm following up to make sure I didn't accidently misplace their gift as an indirect way to say that I did not receive anything from you. What do you do in this type of situation?
Thanks so much!

ehathewa · July 2010

You thank them for coming to your wedding.

You absolutely do not mention that they did not get you a gift - that would be very rude. No one is required to give you a gift.

Lilou902 · July 2010

Yeah I agree. It sucks that they didn't give you anything, even a nice card, but suck it up and move on. They came and that's the part that really counts.

MNVegas · July 2010

There should be no expectation of gifts. NO, do not say anything to them, you will just be causing trouble if you do. You may received something from them in a couple of weeks, maybe they forgot to bring the gift or maybe they decided that they just did not to give a gift.

Just be happy they came to your wedding, be grateful for the gifts you did receive and move on.

waltzingmatilda13 · July 2010

Has the whole of theknot gone gift crazy?

No one is obligated to give you a gift. And gifts are not reciprocal. Just because you gave an awesome gift out of the goodness of your heart, does not mean that those same people have to give a gift in return. Don't mention any gifts to anyone at any time. If they want to send one later they will.

tldh · July 2010

Gifts are not admission tickets to a wedding. You still need to send them a thank you though for taking time out of their schedules to celebrate your wedding with you.

Galaxy8227 · July 2010

The situation sucks but no one is required to give you a gift. You send a thank you for attending the wedding, and that's the end of it. I can understand being a little put off, but there is nothing that you can do about it.

quotequeen · July 2010

I don't believe thank you notes for attending are required. But regardless, NO, you cannot mention anything to these people to ask where your gift is. They may still send you one (some people send them after the wedding) and if they don't, oh well.

dawnie204 · July 2010

Maybe they ordered you something and it hasn't come in yet?

Patineuse1124 · July 2010

That's a bummer, but as PP said, a gift is not a requirement. I would be frustrated if guests didn't at least give us a card, because like you I'd be worried that their gift got misplaced or stolen. Also, if you had a shower, some people don't bring a wedding present if they gave you a shower present. I'd thank them for coming, and you never know, they may send you a present later.

stever · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_handle-guests-did-not-bring-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e12b0b0b-1693-4383-92bf-76285afbef6bPost:0e7d95a7-24c1-43fe-a99d-7d68691ee021">Re: How do you handle guests who did not bring you a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]You thank them for coming to your wedding. You absolutely do not mention that they did not get you a gift - that would be very rude. No one is required to give you a gift.
Posted by ehathewa[/QUOTE]
This.

Brie2010 · July 2010

Yep. We said, "thank you so much for coming!" and were happy to have them there. It's a really, really crappy economy out there, and you have no idea what the private financial details of these people's situation are. Be kind.

banana468 · July 2010

It's been 10 days and you're counting?

Hopefully you thanked people for attending. And hopefully you know that proper etiquette actually holds that gifts aren't to be brought to the wedding at all. And hopefully you know that guests have quite some time after the wedding to send you a present.

And hopefully after you read this, you'll realize that getting upset ten days later makes you look rather negative when you should be focused on the very positive things in your life.

We received some gifts months after the wedding. Chil out.

skippylouwho · July 2010

I never take gifts to the wedding, I always ship the gift prior to the wedding date. I figure the couple and their families have enough to worry about the day of the wedding without having to worry about getting gifts home from the church and/or reception. Having said that, for DD's wedding my brother and his family are going to keep an eye on the card box, emptying it periodically and getting any gifts brought to the reception to our hotel room afterward. We'll bring them home until DD and FSIL get back from their honeymoon.

golden1215 · July 2010

I ordered china for a friends wedding and it took almost 2 months to arrive, without a notice saying the delivery was taking long or anything.

abbyful · July 2010

Gifts aren't a requirement.

And you better hope they don't read this... if I came across someone posting something like this, they'd never get a gift from me again.

mysticl · July 2010

I sent a friend her gift about a month after the wedding. The reason for this was that she was moving to another state a couple of weeks before the wedding and then they had to turn around and go back to the first state for the wedding since it was already planned then they went on the honeymoon, so I just waited till I knew she'd be at her new home to accept it.

kristinanddan · July 2010

We attended a destination wedding in Florida. The card (with check inside) made it with us to Florida, but somehow we left it at the hotel when we left for the wedding. We mailed it immediately upon returning to NY, but I'm sure they didn't get it until at least a week after their wedding. I felt terrible, but wasn't taking a cab back from the church to the hotel.

My point is that things happen. It's also possible they didn't give you a gift at all. It happens.

Meagan78 · July 2010

It is a bummer. Maybe they thought their presence was present enough? I think they could have at least given you a card but who knows why or what their thought process was? That said, be the bigger person and keep your lips zipped.

gottahavashorti · July 2010

We had a decent number of guests who didn't give us a card or gift at the wedding, in addition to those who gave their gift at the shower. We said nothing. I couldn't care less that we didn't receive a gift, although I was kind of disappointed that there wasn't a card.

Also, two months after our wedding we do know that there are a couple more gifts coming to us. I believe they're both personalized pottery pieces, so they were custom order and can take several weeks to arrive.

flutgrl1 · July 2010

honestly, I found people who didn't gift at my wedding somewhat disappointing as well.

flutgrl1 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_handle-guests-did-not-bring-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e12b0b0b-1693-4383-92bf-76285afbef6bPost:5e8f3453-f6dc-4075-b900-732f4062a36f">Re: How do you handle guests who did not bring you a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]Gifts are not admission tickets to a wedding. You still need to send them a thank you though for taking time out of their schedules to celebrate your wedding with you.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

Um she fed and boozed them. That was their thank you. They don't get a thank you for that. Thank yous are only for gifts. I know it isnt "Right" but it is sad when people come to your life milestone event and in a way disregard it.

quotequeen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_handle-guests-did-not-bring-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e12b0b0b-1693-4383-92bf-76285afbef6bPost:2d9fa1a2-b638-47a7-8686-77921cf476d0">Re: How do you handle guests who did not bring you a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do you handle guests who did not bring you a gift? : Um she fed and boozed them. That was their thank you. They don't get a thank you for that. Thank yous are only for gifts. I know it isnt "Right" but it is sad when people come to your life milestone event and in a way disregard it.
Posted by flutgrl1[/QUOTE]

As much as I agree on the TY notes, I disagree on the idea that they are "disregarding" your wedding by not giving you a gift. They took time out of their lives to celebrate with you and, especially for out of town guests, may have spent a good deal of money to do so as well. I would be far more disappointed by friends or relatives I thought I was close to that didn't attend and didn't acknowledge the event with at least a card.

andy71781 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_handle-guests-did-not-bring-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:e12b0b0b-1693-4383-92bf-76285afbef6bPost:2d9fa1a2-b638-47a7-8686-77921cf476d0">Re: How do you handle guests who did not bring you a gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do you handle guests who did not bring you a gift? : Um she fed and boozed them. That was their thank you. They don't get a thank you for that. Thank yous are only for gifts. I know it isnt "Right" but it is sad when people come to your life milestone event and in a way disregard it.
Posted by flutgrl1[/QUOTE]
How are they disregarding it? They came, gave up a day/night, toasted, partied - all for the couple. Don't be so entitled.
Besides - you are getting a husband - that's present enough right?

banana468 · July 2010

Honestly, this is the one of the times I agree with flutgrl.

If you wined and dined your guests then that IS the TY to them for coming. And assuming that you greeted all your guests as you should have, it's not necessary to send a TY to them for coming.

Generally, when one attends a party, a note is send to the hosts thanking them for their warmth and hospitality. The hosts thank the guests verbally at the event itself.

I don't think that means you can say, "Hey where's my gift??" to the guests who didn't give one. You should still be aware that a gift is not required. However it isn't necessary to send a TY note to the guests simply because they attended.

jemmini6 · July 2010

i agree that you don't need thank you cards for their attendance. I see your frustration with not receiving anything, but in no way is it a requirement, which means you can't confront them about it.

in my case, i know some of my family & friends have been impacted by the economy so i absolutely would not expect a gift, but i would hope for at least a card. just keep in mind that you don't know everyone's situation...

Lisa8888 · July 2010

I don't think you should mention anything to them about not giving a gift and I wouldn't send them a TY note. I would hope that this is rare. I'm not familiar with people doing this and I think it is in very poor taste for them not to give a gift. Not even a card. That is pretty low.

Viczaesar · July 2010

a) Gifts are never required and should never be expected.

b) Many etiquette guides say that guests should never bring gifts to the wedding reception itself. Gifts should be sent either before or after the wedding.

c) Should they choose to give a present, wedding guests have one year to give a present. A year. It's been ten days. Time to cool your jets. Again, you should not be expecting presents to arrive in the next year, but they very well might, and should be greeted with a "How kind!" not an "It's about time!"

cstt21251723 · July 2010

We had quite a few guests do the same thing, my only problem was there was no card. For me thats just rude, there are now 49 cent cards at hallmark so there is no excuse for that. However, I still plan to send them thank you cards just like everyone who gave a gift. I just figure some people just my not know proper etiquette. I would never say anything about them not giving a gift either because I think that would be rude.IMO

amwilli5 · July 2010

Yes it can be disappointing, but you can't say anything as that makes it seem like you only invited them for the gifts and therefor makes you seem greedy.

P2H · July 2010

They aren't required to give you a gift, so you do nothing and be happy that they were able to attend your wedding.

How do you handle guests who did not bring you a gift?

Re: How do you handle guests who did not bring you a gift?

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