Asking in laws for financial help

phillips88 · February 2012

My parents have offered to pay for most of our wedding (venue, food and drinks) which is about two thirds of what we want to spend on our wedding. His mom and step-dad have offered to help where we need it, but have not set a limit. His dad and step-mom on the other hand don't want to help theywant to just give us a gift. My fiance and I have been together for 10 years we are very committed to each other. All I want to ask his dad and step-mom for is the dress rehearsal dinner and the day after lunch. How do I do this with out being a bridezilla?? I really want this to be as fair as possible my parents are dipping into their retirement and that kills me. We are trying to save what we can but with his dads help it would really take some burden off our shoulders. PLEASE help!

PetalPockets2012 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:619dc957-3e77-4b18-b647-f554749d3043">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Asking in laws for financial help : I would not be asking *anyone* for money if this is the case. I think you need to postpone the wedding until you can pay for it without your parent's retirement funds.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

This. This. This.

No one should have to use money from their retirement or go into debt to pay for your wedding. It is completely inappropriate to ask others to pay for parts of your wedding.

KellyBrian2013 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:8831ad1f-2f7c-47bd-af7c-5bff1e2f828b">Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents have offered to pay for most of our wedding (venue, food and drinks) which is about two thirds of what we want to spend on our wedding. His mom and step-dad have offered to help where we need it, but have not set a limit. His dad and step-mom on the other hand don't want to help theywant to just give us a gift. My fiance and I have been together for 10 years we are very committed to each other. <strong>All I want to ask his dad and step-mom for is the dress rehearsal dinner and the day after lunch.</strong> How do I do this with out being a bridezilla?? I really want this to be as fair as possible<strong> my parents are dipping into their retirement and that kills me</strong>. We are trying to save what we can but with his dads help it would really take some burden off our shoulders. PLEASE help!
Posted by phillips88[/QUOTE]

You don't ask anyone to pay for anything - if they want to offer, they will. Otherwise, plan what you can afford.

And that said, I would be <em>horrified</em> to find out my parents were using their retirement money to pay for our wedding. I wouldn't be able to live with myself KNOWINGLY planning to use that money... sounds like you should cut back or postpone until you can afford what you want on your own.

Rummi302 · February 2012

I couldn't sleep at night if my parents were doing that. I'd cut back or postpone.

It's fine to bring up the budget with FI's mother who already said she'd help. You might say that you're starting to get deeper into planning and would like to know what she had in mind when she said she'd contribute. But you can't ask for money if it hasn't been offered. In fact, it seems like his father is against giving you money for the wedding. It's not his responsibility to pay for any aspect of your wedding.

Loopyseven · February 2012

You don't get to ask anyone to fund your wedding. If his dad doesn't offer, then pay for it yourself. I would NOT be letting my parents take money out of their retirement to pay for my wedding. Scale back or postpone until you can pay for it yourself.

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:8831ad1f-2f7c-47bd-af7c-5bff1e2f828b">Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents have offered to pay for most of our wedding (venue, food and drinks) which is about two thirds of what we want to spend on our wedding. His mom and step-dad have offered to help where we need it, but have not set a limit. His dad and step-mom on the other hand don't want to help theywant to just give us a gift. My fiance and I have been together for 10 years we are very committed to each other. All I want to ask his dad and step-mom for is the dress rehearsal dinner and the day after lunch. How do I do this with out being a bridezilla?? I really want this to be as fair as possible my parents are dipping into their retirement and that kills me. We are trying to save what we can but with his dads help it would really take some burden off our shoulders. PLEASE help!
Posted by phillips88[/QUOTE]

Welcome to the adult world of paying for your own wedding.

You don't ask ANYONE to pay for your your party and to assume that there is some way to do so is quite ridiculous.

Your parents are dipping into their retirement to pay for your party? Do you feel ashamed about that? I DO. I feel ashamed for you.

mkrupar · February 2012

Let me get this straight:

You want to ask your FI's father to pay for the rehearsal dinner and day after brunch, even though he and his stepmom have said they just want to give you a gift.

Your parents are dipping in to their RETIREMENT for your wedding.

You yourselves can'tsave the money for this shindig.

All for the party you and your FI want.

Here's what you should do. Postpone the wedding. Or take a look at the money you do have and scale back so you can have all that you want for the budget you actually have (that includes no money from your parent's retirement. I would feel downright awful to know that my parents were taking away for their future for a party.

em01092 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:07d6bb70-02f4-43cc-a822-ec9492dba16f">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me get this straight: You want to ask your FI's father to pay for the rehearsal dinner and day after brunch, even though he and his stepmom have said they just want to give you a gift. Your parents are dipping in to their RETIREMENT for your wedding. You yourselves can'tsave the money for this shindig. All for the party you and your FI want. Here's what you should do. Postpone the wedding. Or take a look at the money you do have and scale back so you can have all that you want for the budget you actually have (that includes no money from your parent's retirement. I would feel downright awful to know that my parents were taking away for their future for a party.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

<div>This. Maybe your parents really do want to help or feel they should, but I could not live with myself if I knew this. </div>

lindseyann410 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:54db15c2-d54f-4801-967b-c7288b89cbb0">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]Your parents are dipping into their retirement to pay for your party? Do you feel ashamed about that? I DO. I feel ashamed for you.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I would refuse any money that they would have to take from retirement. I would never dream nor want my parents to spend their the money meant to support them in their old age for one day for me. </div><div>
</div><div>Either scale back your wedding to what your parents can afford without spending their hard-earned retirement or pay for the rest yourself.</div><div>
</div><div>If you want it, you pay for it. Don't ask others to.</div>

TiffannieF · February 2012

I agree with PPs...you WILL sound like a bridezilla if you ask for them to pay for the RD. Get some pizzas and pepsi's for your RD, it will work out.

And I would also re-consider having your parents take out hard earned money that was accumulated over several decades, just to be blown on one day. I know this is not what you were asking and maybe this is what your parents want but I know I *personally* would not be ok with this.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:8831ad1f-2f7c-47bd-af7c-5bff1e2f828b">Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents have offered to pay for most of our wedding (venue, food and drinks) which is about two thirds of what we want to spend on our wedding. His mom and step-dad have offered to help where we need it, but have not set a limit. His dad and step-mom on the other hand don't want to help theywant to just give us a gift. My fiance and I have been together for 10 years we are very committed to each other. All I want to ask his dad and step-mom for is the dress rehearsal dinner and the day after lunch.<strong> How do I do this with out being a bridezilla??</strong> I really want this to be as fair as possible my parents are dipping into their retirement and that kills me. We are trying to save what we can but with his dads help it would really take some burden off our shoulders. PLEASE help!
Posted by phillips88[/QUOTE]

You don't. You can't ask anyone for money. If they offer, then you can accept it. But I would have a very hard time accepting money from my parents retirement fund. My mom bought my wedding dress even though she was just recently divorced and living paycheckt o paycheck. I cried when I found out because of how generous it was for her to spend $600 on my dress. Now she says she wants to give us more, and I told her that I don't accept it because SHE needs that money way more than we do. I told her that if she has that money leftover, I'd rather see her give herself an emergency fund or to treat herself to something nice (because she hasn't in several years).

[Deleted User] · February 2012

I can't believe that a couple who has been together for 10 years doesn't have savings for a wedding. And it pisses me off that you are allowing your parents to dip into their retirement to payfor your wedding.

mkrupar · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:1c418e6d-8663-4176-a528-b4525e927ef7">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I can't believe that a couple who has been together for 10 years doesn't have savings for a wedding. </strong>And it pisses me off that you are allowing your parents to dip into their retirement to payfor your wedding.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

I forgot about the being together for 10 years part. That is amazing that they haven't saved anything to put towards their own wedding.

Viczaesar · February 2012

Oh wow. You are literally taking food out of your parents' mouths by letting them spend their retirement money on your wedding. On a PARTY. A one-day party.

chrmun · February 2012

I disagree with everyone else. I don't think you should get married at all.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

YOUR PARENTS ARE DIPPING INTO THEIR RETIREMENT TO PAY FOR YOUR PARTY. ARE YOU JOKING?!?!?

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. Pay for your own wedding and leave your poor parents something to retire on, instead of acting like an entitled brat.

+HeatherW · February 2012

I would feel like the worlds biggest piece of sh*t if I knowingly took moneyfrom my parents that they were saving for RETIREMENT to host a freaking one day party.

Oh and you don't ask anyone for money for YOUR wedding. You save up and spend what you can. If you can't afforrd something, you don't do it.

pgcp · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:8831ad1f-2f7c-47bd-af7c-5bff1e2f828b">Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have been together for 10 years we are very committed to each other.
Posted by phillips88[/QUOTE]
Well that changes everything.

Well actually, no it doesn't. At all. In any way. Ever.

Pay for your own wedding. If you were my child I'd be embarrassed.

redheadfsu · February 2012

Your parents will work until they die, for your unnecessary party (the expensive part of any wedding is unnecessary)? God, you are far past bridezilla.

Why can't you save for your own unnecessary party?

Don't ask anyone for anything. No one owes you a wedding (including your parents).

kmmssg · February 2012

You can't be serious. How do you reconcile accepting your parents retirement money? The rest of it really doesn't matter - you are impacting what they will be living on for your party.

How do you justify that you aren't paying for anything, you are complaining about FIL's not paying for the RD and you are taking your parents retirement?

mollyehren · February 2012

OMG using their retirement? That is totally terrible that you are allowing them to do that.

So let me get this straight you want everyone to cover some form of your wedding so you don't have to pay a dime or so you can go on a honeymoon?

If you must have your pretty princess day, and have been together 10 years, wait and save up for it. After 10 years what is a few more? Or if you just want to be married YOU should be able to save up $100 to get married at city hall in no time.

renjon7798 · February 2012

Are you serious? You actually are ok with your parents using their RETIREMENT MONEY to pay for your wedding? I would simply DIE! There is no way I could ever imagine that being ok on any planet! If you and your FI have been together for 10 years and "are very committed" to eachother, then why the fark haven't you saved up the money to pay for your own wedding?

What is it with these spoilt brides thinking that they can ask for money or that it's ok for them to take their parents to the cleaners to pay for a party? If you want it, you pay for it yourself. PERIOD!

polichik · February 2012

Entitlement, party of one. Where do you get off expecting people to pay for your wedding? Did you and your fiancé not foresee getting married one day and start saving?

mkrupar · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:c2b23525-71d5-4703-80de-a779e70e9eba">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]Entitlement, party of one. Where do you get off expecting people to pay for your wedding? Did you and your fiancé not foresee getting married one day and start saving?
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

Clearly being together 10 years wasn't enough of a sign that they *might* be in this for the long haul.

goobersinlove · February 2012

OP, please enlighten us as to WHY you think other people should pay for your wedding? This is a serious question.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

My new theory is she's only like 18 and they've been "dating" since they were like 8. It's the only fact pattern that could make this situation slightly less heinous.

renjon7798 · February 2012

If she's 18 and her parents are willing to use their retirement money to pay for her wedding...I gotta wonder about their sanitiy

mica178 · February 2012

Darn it, you all have scared off OP, and now we'll never get a response. :P

ootmother2 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:1c418e6d-8663-4176-a528-b4525e927ef7">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't believe that a couple who has been together for 10 years doesn't have savings for a wedding. And it pisses me off that you are allowing your parents to dip into their retirement to payfor your wedding.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

Oh foreshitssake! I passed over reading this because it thought it would be the usual whine about FILs.

<strong>Your parents retirement fund? I'm speechless</strong>

SarahPLiz · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-in-laws-for-financial-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1fe88a50-9f69-4114-bae8-374d0093e091Post:1c418e6d-8663-4176-a528-b4525e927ef7">Re: Asking in laws for financial help</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't believe that a couple who has been together for 10 years doesn't have savings for a wedding. And it pisses me off that you are allowing your parents to dip into their retirement to payfor your wedding.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
Even if they got together when they were 8, they could have at least saved up some snack money or something. Geez.

mollyehren · February 2012

Based off of her screen name I'm guessing she was born in 1988.

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