Changing last name dilemma

jennl53 · May 2010

Is anyone else on the fence about changing their last name? Don't get me wrong, I love my fiance and I have no doubts that he is the one I'm meant to be with. I've just been Miss L for so long and I do have some professional items published as Miss L. But there is also a part of me that keeps thinking that Mrs. W is his mom, and I don't want to be her. I know it's that's a bad way to think. I've toyed around with hyphenating but that doesn't seem right and neither does changing my middle name to my current last name. I need to make a decision soon and I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice on how they came to the decision to change/not change their name?

trix1223 · May 2010

It wasn't an issue at all for me to change my name. My maiden name is now my middle name, and we share a last name. I just never really thought about NOT changing my name. And when we had children, I wanted us all to have the same name.

My sister, though, and my brother's wife both kept their maiden names, so I'm the only one who did change. It confused the he!! out of my dad who could never keep our last names straight.

megk8oz · May 2010

I changed mine, and completely dropped my maiden name ... I've known since I was very young I would do things this way if I ever got married.

I grew up with my bio-dad's last name. He's been a very minimal part of my life since I was a baby, and being around him just causes me a lot of stress and makes me upset, so I had no desire to keep that name ... I actually debated changing my name to my step-dad's when I was 18 for a while, but it seemed like too much money and too much of a hassle to go through with it.

I'm not going to lie, it was barely even a "decision" for me.

cschuma2 · May 2010

I'm a believer that a name is just a name and nothing more. I dropped my maiden name completely and took my husband's name. It wasn't a big deal to me. Keeping my maiden name would be confusing for a lot of people. We also plan to have kids and I want to have the same last name as them. I think hyphenating my name or our future children's name would be cruel as that would be 20 letters.

However, if I was in some sort of established career and changing my name would affect that... then I'd reconsider.

karmellah · May 2010

i'll miss my maiden name but i cannot wait to take his name. when i publish a book, i'll use my maiden name as a pen name lol

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

It's a very personal decision, and no one can really make it for you. If I'd established myself a bit before getting married, I probably would have started publishing as Aerin Maiden Hislast (no hyphens, I find that pretentious), even though I would have still made Aerin Middle Hislast my legal name. No matter your field, I'm pretty sure you're not required to publish under your legal name, so I wouldn't let that be the deciding factor.

drjewell · May 2010

I will keep my last name and hyphenate because I love my last name and I have a lot established with it but I will be Mrs his lastname but when when I sign checks or something it will be first names maiden his lastname

erollis · May 2010

Talk to your fiance about how he would feel if you didn't take his name. You could always hyphenate (Mrs. L-W). Also you could keep your maiden name as your professional name and have all legal documents (drivers licence, passport, insurance, etc.) with his/ your new last name. Just because you take his last name does not mean that you loose your identity/ connection of what you have done in the past professionally. People will still know who you are.

The only one who can decide is you. Do not forget to take your fiancés feelings into consideration. As much as I love my last name it is important for the both of us to take his.

rrkenney · May 2010

I'm planning to keep my maden name for now. If I someday wish that I had FI's last name I can go do the paperwork but if I take his last name and end up wishing I still had my last name it would be really hurtful to him and confusing to everyone if I changed it back.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

Its not a big deal to me either. My last name is so common and I have no personal attachments to it. I have always seen myself becoming a Mrs.

I can definitely see where you are coming from though. This has been a hot topic on my June board as well. I agree with what the pp have said.

jennl53 · May 2010

Thank you all! My fiance is ok with whatever I choose. I do feel like I'm losing a part of myself by changing my name. I have a lot to think about.

PixieChinchilla · May 2010

Personally, I mean, yeah, I'm bummed to lose my last name, since it's been my name for my whole life and it's a pretty darn cool last name, if I do say so myself, but not taking my FI's last name was never an option in my mind. (WOW, that was the longest sentence ever). I understand that some people do choose to keep their maiden name, but I've always assumed that part of marrying someone is becoming a family together, along with what a lot of other people have said about the simplicity having the same name adds once there are children involved.

Personal choice, though. Take as much time as you need to make sure you're making the right choice for you.

missyt180 · May 2010

If you aren't sure what to do - keep your maiden name legally. After you are married, enough people will automatically call you "mrs. his last name" presumptiously, so you can test the waters to see how it feels. If you like it, make the real-deal change.

Changing the name can be a HUGE decision, and some people feel that giving up their last name means giving up a part of themselves. Make sure you think it through before making a permanent change.

I am on the fence (and am not published or a doctor - just not sure if this tradition is for me) and FI was at first surprised that this wasn't an automatic "thing" that I was going to do. But after we talked, he did see that its not that simple - after all, he's not the one who has to change anything! He's on board with whatever I decide.

JeFlanigan · May 2010

My Fi & I have 2 kids, but I have my last name, he has his, and the kids are hyphenated. As it is their doctors and teachers call me Mrs Z (who is SO his mother. Although she says Mrs. Z is her MIL).
I like my last name, it doesn't make me who I am, but its a PART of who I am. For my mom, her maiden name is her middle name. I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, but for you I ask why is there rush in deciding, does it need to be done before your wedding. I'd wait until you were internally sure one way or the other.

panda10 · May 2010

I had panics about it too! I have a very uncommon Scandinavian name and my fiance has one of the most common names in the US! So it has been stressful. And when I brought it up for the first time, my poor fiance was really offended by it. No one really thinks about how stressful it can be. I'm with you, but in the end I am changing my name and possibly keeping my last name as my middle name. But I told him that when we have kids, since he picked the last name, I get to pick the first name!

Good luck!

MyNameIsNot · May 2010

I kept mine. There were a lot of reasons, but ultimately, I felt that getting married didn't change my identity, but that if I changed my name, I would feel like I should be a different person.

I toyed with keeping mine legally and professionally, but using his socially and informally. I ultimately decided against that, but many of my friends have gone that route.

Kate5606 · May 2010

I love my last name, it's very unique and people are constantly asking me if it's really my name. That said, I'm going to be taking my FIs name when we get married. For me, it's mostly about family. I want our family to have the same last name, and I don't want there to be any questions as to whether or not we're married. A friend of mine kept her maiden name and hyphenated the kids last names, and now she regrets it but feels that it's too late to change. But everyone feels differently about this particular dilemma. My FIs mother didn't change her last name until she had been married to his father for something like 15 years!

abbiewebster · May 2010

im not changing my name....i lovemy name & i hate his simple as that......now i just need to tell him :S oh dear

tldh · May 2010

I had never planned on changing mine because I had made a pretty big reputation in my profession with it. That decision changed when we moved to the east coast and I'm going to have to re-establish myself professionally again anyway. The closest family we have geographically is my brother in DC and in the end, I don't want my child to have a different last name than me. I'm looking at it as a team name.

FI even played devil's advocate to make sure this was the choice I wanted.

andy71781 · May 2010

I am taking his - only because I don't like my last name. Its become as easy of a choice as that to many woman, which I believe is a testament to the power women have gained in their personal lives over the years. I would suggest to you that if it doesn't feel 100% right to take his name - you should keep your own - at least for now.

Midgetth · May 2010

My grandma wanted me to keep my maiden name. I want to take my FH's last name.i feel it's only apprpriate. And I'll tell you what i told my grandma. Just because my last namechanges doesn't mean I will change. I will always be a S. at heart. Heck I even have it tattooed on me. I too am proud of my current last name but I love my FH and all that the last name change means.

spinner84 · June 2010

I would never, ever change my last name. It is nuts to me. Can you imagine a man saying he'd change his name because he's not attached to it, or he didn't get along with his father?

Don't get me wrong, I don't care what other people do, but it is seriously so outdated. Don't feel bad if you don't want to change your name!

As for kids, take the Latin American view. Parents are Mr. A B and Mrs. C D. Kids are Boy A C and Girl A C. Everyone has 2 last names, and no one changes their name with marriage.

For the record, I offered to hyphenate, if my husband also hyphenated. He said no, I said then there's not a chance.

MrsJG2Be · June 2010

I'm definitely not on the fence, I'm going to change it. FI knew that I would take his last name so it hasn't been a huge deal. I'm kind of excited about it

Plus when we have kids one last name will be easier. My current last name is 10 letters long and his is 8 letters long so we would never want our kids to have 2 last names. Can you imagine that wouldn't even fit into one of those scantrons for standardized tests or in college? LOL. I will just have to remember to start signing a G rather than an H after our wedding day. Oh, I hate my last name as is and was/is teased about it so this was an easy decision.

peggyo10 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_changing-last-name-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:251194dd-0f29-4c4a-9c98-4c009731ae92Post:24cae483-b122-4d34-a8f9-8b61e8f4200b">Re: Changing last name dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]For the record, I offered to hyphenate, if my husband also hyphenated. He said no, I said then there's not a chance.
Posted by spinner84[/QUOTE]

<div>i think this is what we're going to do~ we'll both hyphenate. </div><div>
</div><div>i don't see an ideal solution here...i want us, our family, our kids, to all have the same name, but just changing mine to his to accomplish this doesn't feel right.</div><div>
</div><div>actually, i thought i had the ideal solution...we take the letters of our current last name and mix them up to make a new one. but if that's the alternative, i think he'd prefer to hyphenate. lol</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

ProPlannerKyra · June 2010

What about making it:

FirstName MaidenName HisLastName

AliandDan2010 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_changing-last-name-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:251194dd-0f29-4c4a-9c98-4c009731ae92Post:784c81ce-1bb6-4753-aa14-fa8373853fd5">Re: Changing last name dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]It wasn't an issue at all for me to change my name. My maiden name is now my middle name, and we share a last name. I just never really thought about NOT changing my name. And when we had children, I wanted us all to have the same name. My sister, though, and my brother's wife both kept their maiden names, so I'm the only one who did change. It confused the he!! out of my dad who could never keep our last names straight. =)
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

This is what I'm doing :)

mica178 · June 2010

I always thought I'd keep my last name because my father didn't have any sons and I went to graduate school and have been practicing with my maiden name.

But... when I became engaged to my FI, I knew I wanted to share his last name and have the same last name as our future children, to be an identifiable family. I don't think I'm losing my identity by changing my last name (for the record, I'm keeping my maiden name as my middle name as I don't really like my given middle name), and I think thirty years from now, I'll be more of a "NewLastName" than "MaidenName," socially and professionally.

wallacje · June 2010

I am toying with this idea too. I really like my last name and my dad didn't have any sons. But FI thinks that we should do the traditional thing and I'm like we're getting married in Vegas, soooo not traditional. So may I'm thinking First Name Middle Name Maiden Name His Last Name (No Hyphen). The kids would only have his last name. Any thoughts??

stephdonjon · June 2010

Even before I got engaged, I knew I'd want to take my husband's name. The only reason I would have considered hypenating or keeping mine was if (like you) I had already had publications under my old name. But even then, I think I would take his name and just use my former name for a pen name.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · June 2010

I AM a graduate student and will have 2 degrees and some publications in my maiden name, but I can't say that affected my decision at all. The truth is, I decided when I was in high school that I would never change my name. All 3 of my initials are the same and I have a very unusual Scottish last name. My parents thought long and hard about my name, and I've really grown to like it. I don't see it as my father's name - it's MY name and has been for 28 years. And because it's a long last name with a capital letter in the middle, hyphenating would be awkward. It's already misspelled all the time.

As for children, so many people are divorced or not married to their child's other parent that having a different last name than my children will barely get the blink of an eye. I've toyed with the idea of combining our last names into a last name for our kids. Fi kind of wants them to have his name (and then one of my names for a middle, possibly a double middle name). We do want them to have the same last name, though, if we have more than one. But that's a decision for you to make together if you want children. YOUR last name is your decision completely.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_changing-last-name-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:251194dd-0f29-4c4a-9c98-4c009731ae92Post:c80bc600-3c4c-4e6d-aa99-8db9320e341a">Re: Changing last name dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing last name dilemma : This is why my children will have my last name (didn't change it). Dads are the ones who leave, far more often than mothers, then children get stuck with the name of their deadbeat dad. I am sure that my husband will be a great father. He wants kids more than I do, even, but on principle, I think kids should have the last name of their mother.
Posted by spinner84[/QUOTE]

FI's best friend and his wife gave their first daughter his last name and their second daughter her last name. Honestly, though, I'd prefer my kids have the same last name as each other than the same last name as me.

Changing last name dilemma

Re: Changing last name dilemma

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