Wedding Woes

The Secret Elopement vs. The Fake Ceremony

My fiance and I got engaged a few months ago but have been together for years.  We have talked about getting married for awhile now and have been really excited about it.  However, our parents both think we are a little young to be getting married so soon, and--since we were both content with being patient--we decided to wait for a end-of-the-year 2011 wedding.
More recently though I heard rumors floating around that, once confirmed, changed our original plan.  Since my fiance and I joined the military one of our biggest concerns has been being able to be stationed together in the future.  I was told by a few military couples I know (and now have had confirmed by my unit) that unless we had been married for a year by the time I got out of my training we would have a much lower chance of getting stationed together.  Since my extremely long job training ends about February 2011 that would require that we be married no later than by February 2010.  Suddenly our perfect plan and date turned out to be way too late.  To avoid disappointing our families (who would both be quite less than content with a small ceremony as opposed to the extravagant ones they desire) and do our own thing the way we want...we decided to elope this month to get the legal business out of the way and go through with the ceremony our families desire in November 2011.  The catch is we're not telling a sole (except his best man who's filming our secret ceremony), and we plan to go through with the 2011 ceremony as if we are just getting married then.  Even though we will have been married already by the time the ceremony rolls around, we want our families to be pleased and believe they're apart of the ceremony so they're not offended.  And he and I can have our own little ceremony just between us (which we would honestly much prefer anyways)...and no one has to know.

Think we're ridiculous?
I'd love to hear some advice and opinions of other groom- and bride-to-bes.  I won't lie; I'm a little anxious about hurting my family members' feelings if they were to ever find out, but I would love some encouragement.

Please let me know what you think.  I'd love any thoughts on our plan!

Re: The Secret Elopement vs. The Fake Ceremony

  • GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think you need to work under the assumption that they WILL find out.

    These things are a matter of public record, things that are offical like that have a way of finding themselves out and letting everyone know the truth.

    So, have your elopement--you have good reason for it.  And have a 'vow renewal'.  But it is much MUCH better to be honest w/ everyone than to lie to them and have them learn the truth later. 
  • edited December 2011
    I think you just need to explain to your family that you won't be able to spend your lives together if you're possibly on opposite sides of the planet. Tell them you're getting the "paperwork" done now.
  • owingseowingse member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i agree with pp...u need to talk to your family b/c most likely they will find out and they will be so much more hurt and left out then if you just stand up to them and explain. Have the vowel renewel later but the ceramony now...in the end its your wedding your life and your marriage...do what you want but your dont wanna be doing what you want with no family around you in the end...
  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You get one wedding. You can choose to have the big pretty white wedding when your parents are willing to pay for it, or to have a quickie elopement for practical reasons. You cannot have both.

    You get a *small* pass for being military, meaning that most people won't side-eye you for eloping now and having a vow renewal in a couple years. You need to sit down with your families and discuss your concern about getting stationed together. Maybe they'll surprise you and support your decision to get married sooner.

    Or maybe you really are too young. How old are you?
  • Theresa626Theresa626 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    everyone always tells you what a horrible idea this is and their warnings could be correct. I will tell you that I know a girl who did just this and her family did not find out.  No one got angry or anything. You should do what you feel is best for you. 
  • ChrissyTheoChrissyTheo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Here is advice and encouragement coming from someone who has experienced this....My fiance/"secret husband" and I have already done exactly what you're considering. He is in the Army as a Green Beret and I am still going to graduate school. He proposed in June 2008. We had been together for 5 years, so we knew without a doubt we wanted to get married when he proposed. I didn't have insurance and needed help with school expenses, and as you know, the Army can help in those areas.  There was also a possibility of him being deployed and he wanted to be 100% sure I was taken care of. Our "for real" wedding is in 18 days, but we have really been married for 11 months now and we don't regret the decision one bit.

    I understand what everyone else is saying about being honest and not trying to hide anything. Believe me, all of those things went through our minds also. But it's different when you're actually in the situation. We both have big families, his southern and mine Greek; both very in-your-business, nosy types where there are NO secrets, ever! Everyone is very close, and, most definitely wouldn't stand for a courthouse ceremony. I knew that if anyone found out, they would be so crushed and it'd cause an uproar. I was quite worried about going through with it. The more we talked about it, the more we still felt that it was the right thing to do. We prayed together and really considered all the consequences of both options. In the end, we did what we felt is best for US, no one else.

    If you both know for sure that it's what you want to do, then I think it's a great idea. And believe me, it doesn't take away from the excitement of the actualy wedding at all. Not to mention, during the process, you get to collect B.A.H, which is very helpful! :) Good luck and God Bless. Thank you for you and your fiance's dedication to our country!!

  • edited December 2011
    I am a military wife and my husband and i got married right before his deployment.  We had been together and had a house together for years before.  Both of our families thought we were moving too fast at such a young age (we are both 22) but knew we were destined to marry eachother regardless of the circumstances.  When he was called up unexpectantly we decided that for our own sanity and because we felt it was best, we would to elope.  We talked about it for months and then finally did it when he came home from his work up.  I thought that we could do just what you are thinking and elope without anyone knowing and for everyone else's benefit we would let them have the big ceremony.
    I bypassed an engagement period, no parties, no ring just business since it is only the legal part and people do that separately anyway.  But hanging around my family and his once he left was difficult and heart breaking.  It is harder to deceive the people you love than you realize. 
    We ended up telling everyone a few months later just because if we waited any longer it would be even harder and more people would feel hurt. 
    We expected harsh judgement and people telling us what a mistake we made but instead we were met with love and understanding and now we are still having a wedding in a church with all the traditions. 
    You dont need to feel like you are sacrificing anything wedding wise or marriage wise if you elope and then do a big ceremony later.  As long as you are honest and forthcoming with your families they will be nothing but happy for you and your fiance.  Trust in their love and understanding.

    Things get tough in military life and those of us who choose to live this way arent always given the luxury of doing things the way others do in civilian life.  You and your fiance need to show whatever branches that you are affiliated with that your relationship is real and binding and the only thing they understand is paperwork.  So give them the paperwork and leave the magic to the later date in Novemeber.

    God bless
  • edited December 2011
    Don't lie to those closest to you.  You will hear opinions on why you should/could or shouldn't do it from both sides here.  Bottom line:  I'd be much more willing to let it pass that a family member was doing a small JOP ceremony now and doing a vow renewal with everyone later  (really, you could skip the ceremony and throw a reception if you wanted) who didn't lie about it. 

    Being military does make a difference, but not that much that I'd let lying about it slide.  A lot of people will probably be hurt if you lie.  And trust me, no matter what anyone says, eventually someone will find out.
  • edited December 2011
    My FI and I were witnesses for a couple who did this. No one else knew. Their reason wasn't military but it was definitely a valid reason. They got married at the magistrate's 1 year and 4 months prior to their church wedding. It's been almost 5 years since their church wedding and to this day, no one (except the priest) knows they were already legally married, but it was not recognized by the catholic church. They don't even acknowledge their marriage day, they only celebrate their church wedding anniversary. To them the marriage day was just something they did to guarantee they could get "married" the way they wanted without problems in the future. I think you should do what you feel is best for you and your FI's future.      
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  • danieliza1127danieliza1127 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I doubt that the ceremony in 2011 is as special to your family as you're letting yourself think.  I mean, yes weddings are special, but your wedding is never as important to anyone else as it is to you.  I would just be honest with your family.  You have good reasons to get married now and I'm sure they'll understand that.  If they don't, well you're adults, so that's just too bad.

    Also, I hope you check the "rumor" with the military and don't just rely on what someone told you.  There's a military brides board here that you might find helpful.
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  • edited December 2011
    As weddings are a matter of public record, someone is destined to find out. What if your kids decide to frame a copy of your marriage license for your 50th anniversary and find out that way? You'll be lying about your anniversary and your wedding your entire lives - and to your immediate family. How hurt would you be if you found out your sibling had a secret wedding? Or your daughter?

    I agree you might get a *small* pass for doing this because you are military, but be honest about it, and call it a vow renewal in 2011. You don't get two "weddings" - you get married once.
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  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't lie to your family just to have a party. Tell them you are having a civil ceremony and will do a church blessing/vow renewal when your schedules actually get better. Most military families understand the benefits of being married.

    You expressed that you want the big party for your family to be happy. I am willing to bet that your family thinks the big party is what YOU want and deserve and that YOU won't be happy without it. TALK TO THEM. They can still have a big party when you have a church blessing or vow renewal, but once you are married, you are married. There is no good reason to hide it from your family.

    And PPs who did this, you expressed that you KNEW your family would be pissed if they found out. Why not just tell them up front and the reasons for it. Stop hiding from reality and your family. If you manage their expectations from the beginning, and act like an adult who is capable of handling a mature relationship, then they may be more inclined to see it your way. I think hiding a marriage from your family is cowardly.
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  • hollieheidihollieheidi member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Here's my thing..if something happens, not even military related like say a car accident, God forbid, and your husband shows up at the hospital and your parents and the Dr. says that he has already discussed your condition with your husband, they should ask him????? 

    First, that's not how you would like for them to find out, but I work in health care and have seen it happen and second, I'm sure that if you guys have a good solid relationship that your families will be more supportive than you know. 

    I understand if you don't want to tell everyone, but I think just your parents and those close to you should know. 

    I had friends that did the same thing for other reasons and it WAS much easier in the end for paperwork, insurance, taxes, etc. and their families were totally supportive.  Most of their friends and extended family didn't know and never had any idea.  They didn't have a big ceremony and at first the families were hurt that they "thought" that there was some big ceremony and they had missed it, but when they found out that it was a small JOP ceremony they understood and got behind the planning 100%.

    Good luck!   
  • bradysarahbradysarah member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm actually going thru this dilemma right now too... my fiance is in pilot training with the airforce and I'm in graduate school. We've been engaged for about a year and have been planning a big wedding for may with all our families. BUT- since he's graduating in June and getting new orders, we need to be legally married as soon as possible so I can actually get on those orders. We've decided to get legally married when he's home for Christmas. We've explained this to our families, and mine has been supportive while his mother has been crazy and thinks the idea is insane. this has made it difficult but I've talked to alot of military couples and this is just what people have to do in this situation. Someone said earlier on this message board, this is military life and its different from normal life! Sometimes we have to do things differently.

    So- I think you should go for the elopement and get all the paperwork in order to make life easier for you! We've got to make the crazy military system work for us since we can't change it. But I do think that you should tell your families, while they may react negatively at first, at least you won't be living with the guilt of keeping this big secret and hopefully they will understand. Good luck with everything!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_secret-elopement-vs-fake-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:86ca9dca-69fb-48df-a2f1-3cb2152f9fdePost:b3331631-5f9f-48e9-ab79-f1845657a100">Re: The Secret Elopement vs. The Fake Ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]You get one wedding. You can choose to have the big pretty white wedding when your parents are willing to pay for it, or to have a quickie elopement for practical reasons. You cannot have both.
    Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

    Why, exactly? Not trying to be combative, I just don't really get why you think that. To me it makes sense to do it quckly if there's a deadline, but have a ceremony later. I've known several people who have done that for various reasons (insurance, Peace Corps, military).
  • WillandTianaWillandTiana member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My husband and I did this (although it was for other reasons).  We got married but we told our immediate family.  Some of friends and extended family still have no idea and we've been married for 6 months now "legally."  Our wedding is coming up in April (YES technically speaking it is a "vow renewal') but I still like to refer to it as my wedding because getting married in jeans and a t-shirt just doesn't feel right.  Your real wedding will still feel special.  I keep telling my husband "I can't wait to be your wife."  Do whatever feels right for you.  My parents and his parents were completely fine with us getting married at a courthouse first.
  • edited December 2011
    Your family will find out, and you will have trust issues with them for a loooong time.  My sister secretly got married secretly and we figured it out, and finally got her to admit to it about 6 months later, and you have no idea how much it hurts to find out that she didn't think it was important enough for us to be there for her real wedding.

    it's a bad idea to lie about it.  I understand your reasoning for wanting to have the legal part solidified, but if you are going to do that then be an adult and tell your family about it.  They might not all have positive reactions, but if this is a decision you are going to make, then own it instead of hiding behind a bunch of lies that will bite you in the ass eventually.
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  • abbaroodleabbaroodle member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    My fiance and I are actually going to have a brief civil ceremony (maybe with our parents) and our "real" wedding when we can.  Due to schedules (nothing like being in the military, but still crazy work stuff!!!) we dont know when we can have our "real" wedding and want to have something in Feb.  Invitiing our parents to come celebrate (even if they dont come to the ceremony).  Also a chance for them to see where we live and meet each other.  Eek!!

    I recommend being open with folks.  People at work are starting to know as are some of our friends.  No one seems offended. 

    Of course, we have been dating forever and engaged just over a year.  But still, truth is always good in my mind!

    Good luck!!!

  • edited December 2011
    My fiance has been suggesting the same thing.  My last day @ work was Friday & I lose my health insurance.  He keeps saying we should just get married & not tell anyone so I can go on his health insurance.  I am definately considering it. 
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  • felicia220felicia220 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    First let me start by saying THANK YOU! I truly appreciate the sacrifices that you and your FI will make.  

    I agree that you need to do what is right for you.  Although I wouldn't really like lying to my family, I understand, and believe that your reasons are valid.  If getting married now means being able to stay with your FH during your deployment, I would do it in a heartbeat.  And those that don't understand, its not their fault they don't have to live it.  I can't say exactly what my FI does but it is military related and he leaves for sometimes weeks at a time.  And often times we can only communicate thru email.  Many of you don't know what it is like to not be able to see or hear your FI voice for weeks! I can't even imagine what it is like for the families of soldiers that are gone for months, even years!

    To those that said that you don't think that the wedding is as special to your family as it is to bride. That is not always the case.  My FI and I wanted to basically elope, somewhere on a island with just parents and siblings.  Our parents, however, had a different plan for us.  They wanted this huge wedding.  We all sat down and talked about it and I could just see the sadness in my parents' faces as we told them our plan.  My FI and I agreed that it meant more to them for us to have this wedding then it did for us to have the wedding we truly wanted.  We are having our huge wedding for our families, the being married part is for us.  

    "Congrats" to you now.
    "God Speed" while you are away
    And "Welcome Home" when you get back
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