Feeling guilty/anxious/stressed about trip costs for guests

Re: Feeling guilty/anxious/stressed about trip costs for guests

• melmac26

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Well, you have to do what you want to do & know that not everyone can come. I only had 1 aunt & uncle come out of 6, & 1 cousin come out of 5. So my best advice (b/c it's hard not having the people you want there, be there) is do what you want b/c if you don't you'll be even more sad that you changed your plans to accomodate other people.  For instance, I was feeling guilty b/c my 92 yr old grandfather wouldn't be there & I loved him so much. As fate would have it he died 6 weeks before our wedding. & the aunts/uncles/cousins probably couldn't afford the gas or flight to go to my home town any way b/c they all live out of state.
  
  My point being you can plan your wedding around everyone else & they STILL might decide not to come. So you have to do what you & your fiance want to do...however you guys envisioned your special day. B/c the bottom line is at the end of the day you'll be married & those that can be there, it'll be the most special time for you all. Those that can't will get to re-live it w/ you at your AHR. We didn't even have one of those But, in the end, I was 100% glad we did what we did. So keep your chin up & have a heart to heart, what do YOU really want for your special day?
  
  
  

  
  *My planning bio

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• Tanq&Tonic

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I think you really have to get clear on what you want.  Is it more important to you that these few friends are able to attend something locally, or more important to have the wedding of your dreams?  It's unfortunate that people who seemed onboard are no longer likely to come, but that's kind of what happens when you try to make plans that far out -- the feedback isn't reliable.
  
  If there are one or two friends you feel really should be there, do you have room in your budget to help with their travel or accomodations?  We did for DH's childhood best friend, as well as my best friend who officiated for us.  We also signed up with Alaska and Hawaiian Airlines to offer our guests group discounts for travel to our wedding.  7% and 10% respectively, I think.  We also sniped deals and posted them on our wedding website, and most of our guests used those.  We then negotiated a major room block discount at our resort, and all but about 3 couples used those too.  I don't know if it would have stopped our guests from coming if we didn't do those things, but they did express their appreciation.
  
  March is still quite a bit away, and you might be surprised at where the guest list ultimately ends up -- for better or for worse.  That's the thing about DWs...you're lucky to get immediate family and everyone else is just icing on the cake.  We had a bunch of early nos that turned YES at the end.  Others have it the other way around.  You just really have to not make it emotional roulette every time you get an RSVP and focus on the end goal -- you and your fiance, in paradise, getting married.  I promise you won't miss anyone that wasn't there on the actual day.  PLUS, the fewer the guests, the more quality time you can acutally spend with each of them.
  
  Hang in there!!!

  

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• dre222 member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Thank you both!  I appreciate the encouragement and advice.  I am just feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I'm running out of time (!)  and hearing friends' financial stress, not to mention my work stress and I am caving in right now to it all. I don't think it's in the budget to help out a friend financially, unfortunately. 
  
  We  want a warm, fun, relaxing, island wedding with close friends and family in attendance. And we need to stick with that!  You're right, the smaller the better and we will have an incredible, memorable experience. I just need to focus!
  
  Thank you also for the tips on looking for discounts with Alaska and Hawaiian airlines. We are in the midst of figuring out where folks will stay and hopefully get a good room block rate too.
  
  
  
  
  

  

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• Tanq&Tonic

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Alaska:
  http://www.alaskaair.com/content/group-travel/groups-wedding-travel.aspx
  
  Hawaiian:
  http://www.hawaiianair.com/Programs/Wedding-Wings/
  
  :-)  Good luck!

  

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• twie3230

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Hey Dre222, 

  
  

  I know how you feel. We have chosen Maui for our wedding as my family is all in Canada, and my fiance's family and most of our friends, are here in Australia. For a while many of my family and friends said they couldn't even make it to Hawaii so I was researching having the wedding in Sydney, as I didn't think it was fair to make everyone from Oz fly when most of my family wasn't going to even come to Hawaii. But, after much debate, we ended up changing back to Maui as that was the wedding we really wanted (that, and I would have been an orphan bride with no family at the Sydney event). You'll be surprised how many people come out of the woodwork in the end and come to your wedding. We initially thought we'd be pushing it to get 40 guests and our last count had us closer to the 70 mark. There are still people I wish were coming that can't make it, but ultimately, I'm really excited for the laid back vibe of our Maui wedding. Cocktails and flip-flops. I can't wait. 100 days and counting!

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• FSForever member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Please do what youand your FI want.  I have learned you can never please everyone and its your day. We have had relatives commit and then back out and then re-commit again. Do what you can to try and save money for your guests.  We have opted for a condo resort instead of a hotel resort.  There are bbq pits and the largest condos fit 8 ppl so we have booked and extra one and bunking some people up.  For our Luau we are paying for our immediate family with the exception of my best friend. She and her son would not be able to attend without a little help so it was more important for us to scale back a little on what we wanted and have her there.

  
  

  *On another note check Hawaiian Air right now. They have a great sale that goes through March. Not sure if they will also honor the wedding party discount. 

  Maui DIY bio!

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• mauigirl2012

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  My FI and I went through this also. His family is all from PA and we live in Nor Cal. His sister originally said that she would be ecstatic if we planned it in Hawaii, but when I actually started planning it she actually tried to guilt trip us that she could not afford it. She told us we needed to plan a CA wedding and she and her family would come stay with us.
   Needless to say, it was an emotional roller coaster before we finally realized we could not please everyone and we had to soul search to come to the decision that we have to do what made us happy. It is even more difficult for my FI since most likely none of his immediate family will come (they would not be able to come to CA either unless we paid for everyone or had them stay at our place). I am still inviting everyone and crossing my fingers. Either way, we are happy with the decision and hope people can make it.

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• BeardGonsalez member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  We went through this as well. However I can say that we stuck to our guns, got married in Maui... and we have no regrets. The people who do come, will be there because they REALLY want to be there... and the energy at your wedding will be so amazing and beautiful you will never regret that choice. It is so intimate and just amazing... really. You can always throw a party when you get back for those who miss it. And honestly, my group shared condo costs... and it wound up costing each person about $450 for flight, and $20 a night for condo. (we shared condos). So for a week it was about $600 for flight and room. 

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• SunshinyLees member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  We went through this as well for the first few months of planning. I had serious guilt that some of our friends and family couldn't join us. But now as the wedding nears and since so many people are excited about our wedding in Maui we no longer feel guilty;) Seriously who wouldn't want to be in paradise for a wedding;) Of course it still stinks that some of our family friends wont be there, but in the end you have to think what's important to you and your fiance. If we had had a wedding locally we would have had at least 150 guests which was never our plan. We  love to travel and have always wanted a destination wedding so I don't think anyone is too surprised by our choice to be married in Hawaii. We have also sent updates when we see seat sales and hotel deals online which our friends and family have really appreciated. I think because we have been able to find so many great flight and hotel deals more people are realizing that Maui isn't as expensive as they thought and are signing up to be at our wedding. We thought we would have 30 guests and now we're up to 50! Don't worry, everything will work out;)!!

  Lees

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• kaesha

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I think, as you're seeing from everyone's responses, this is pretty much the story of a DW! It's easy to say yes to coming to Hawai'i; it's harder to take a genuine look at finances and commit to it. We had a close to 70% of our invitees say yes at the beginning, and it dropped to about 35-40% who actually bought tickets. I think, especially in these economic times when people are really beginning to say, "Can I really afford this?", it's to be expected that you'll have lots of initial enthusiasm followed by a recalibration.
  
  Ultimately though, they're adults who are responsible for the choices they make - there's no need to feel guilty if people don't want to/can't spend the money to make the trip. Focus on the positives - fewer guests = lower costs, less management and still a really awesome time.

  
  Alyson & Phil | Planning Bio | Married Bio!
  Dates & Quinces Blog

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• sharkbitemiller

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm going through this as well. My wedding is in April and we purposly choose 2012 (2 tax seasons since we got engaged) to give people enough time to save up if they wanted to go. I, too, am hearing from people that they cannot afford it. Nothing like waiting til the last minute to save money when we gave them 2 years! It pisses me off that my cousin, who is like a sister to me, straight up told me that I'm 'inconviencing her' by choosing a DW when school is still in session. And come to find out, she's not going nor have we talked in months. WTF??? Well you know what I have to say about that? 'F' her and anyone else that thinks that! This is MY wedding that I have always dreamed of and I will have the best time of my life with the family and friends that will be there.You have to ask yourself, would they change their plans for you if the shoe was on the other foot? Like you, we thought about just sayin' 'F' it, let's elope. But that would be me giving into them.  All-in-all...this is YOUR day, not theirs. Hang in there and stick to your guns. Everything will work out in the end.

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• dre222 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  I hadn't checked this for a week or so. Thank you everyone!  kaesha is right- this must be what all DW brides go through. I am feeling more comfortable with our decision and am trying to focus on the positives- the smaller group is truly what we wanted.

  
  

   We will create wonderful memories with those who show up with us. I can't wait. It is coming so fast - 4months! eeks! so much to do! haha  

  
  

  Good luck to all the other DW brides. The Knot community really is a great resource and I don't know what I'd do without it!

  

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• dre222 member

  

  November 2011 edited December 2011

  p.s. Thanks Tanq&Tonic for posting the links to the airlines wedding discounts!

  

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