Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list

lmpatter · January 2013

I found out today from my fiance that I am most likely NOT invited to the wedding of one of his close friends. We currently have both their names down as a married couple on our own guest list. This couple got engaged a month after my fiance and I, and will be getting married in May, while we are getting married in July.

This puts me in kind of an awkward position. I do not want to invite the new wife (who I have hung out with a few times before, but we aren't close) to my wedding in July if she did not care enough to have me at hers in May. I don't want to simply invite her out of obligation. That isn't fair. If she can choose if I attend hers, I feel that I should be able to choose if she attends mine.

My fiance told me he agrees with this reasoning and thinks it sounds fair. In this situation, would it be alright to only invite one spouse? They are pretty easy-going and would probably understand...

misssunshine17 · January 2013

You absolutely, under no circumstance can invite only the husband. That is beyond rude and for me, would be a friendship ending move. Did you send them a STD? Invites aren't tit for tat. Maybe their family covers 95% of the list. Invite them as a couple, or don't. If it's your FIs friend, it should be his call.

Edit: OP, sorry I didn't realize you weren't invited. Don't stoop to their level. Invite both or neither. Honestly, for something so rude, I would probably not invite them.

Jen4948 · January 2013

Unfortunately, no. Spouses have to be invited together. You cannot invite the husband without the wife.

Also, wedding invitations aren't supposed to be tit for tat. The fact that you weren't invited to theirs shouldn't be taken as quid pro quo not to invite them if they are friends of your FI. They may have had to leave you off their guest list due to space or budget circumstances that they're not going to discuss with you.

SlothGoals · January 2013

Ditto misssunshine.<div>
</div><div>Also, why do you have it out for the "new wife"? It's not just her wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]<span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:11.818181991577148px;">I don't want to simply invite her out of obligation. <strong>That isn't fair.</strong> If she can choose if I attend hers, I feel that I should be able to choose if she attends mine.[/QUOTE] </span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:11.818181991577148px;">This sounds terribly childish. Why did the invite suddenly become an obligation? Invite the people you want there regardless of whether or not you'll be invited in return.</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:11.818181991577148px;">
</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:11.818181991577148px;">
</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:11.818181991577148px;">ETA: After reading other responses I see what you mean now about not being invited. I wouldn't stoop to this couple's level and not invite the wife. Be the bigger people and keep them on your list if you want them to share your day. FWIW I would also get FI to clarify with his friend whether or not you'll be invited. If the invitation comes and you're still not on it then it's up to your FI if he will attend or not.</span></div>

NYCMercedes · January 2013

It is not just her wedding. Is your fiance invited without you? If it's a terribly small wedding, then he could not be invited as well. Your husband's close friend is terribly rude keeping only you off his guest list. Ask your husband how he would feel about keeping both of them off his guest list, as his close friend has treated you poorly.

libby2483 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:dfd21e78-45f0-414e-bfb3-6f509c08edb1">Re:Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you twelve? Why is automatically the wife's fault that you guys aren't invited? How come the husband still gets to come? He also chose not to invite you, FYI. Regardless, this is one of the most immature reactions I have ever met and is very likely to END your FI's friendship if you go through with it, so you might want to run that by him and make sure he's cool with not having this guy as a "close friend" anymore. You can invite neither of them, which is childish but at least "fair", or you can invite them both.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>The way I read it, based on the fact she says "I" am not invited, is that the other couple will be inviting her husband, but not her. So, I don't think it is a situation of blaming the wife. I think in the OP's mind, it is "fair" because she isn't being invited with her husband.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, if this is the case, don't stoop to their level. Invite them both if your FI wants to keep this guy as a close friend. Oh, and I would hope that your FI would decline the invitation to his "friend's" wedding if you aren't invited.</div>

mlg78 · January 2013

Why doesn't your husband reach out to his friend to just make sure this wasn't a simple error before getting your panties in a bunch? Your solution is ridiculous and childish. I would have your husband inquire to clarify as THEY may have made the etiquette error in the first place by not inviting you since you're clearly an established couple.

monkeysip · January 2013

Just to clarify... is your fiance on the guest list? If they invited only him, and not you, then that's terribly rude, and if I were your fiance I would either say something or decline the invitation.

If neither of you were invited... then so what? Like others said, invitations are not tit for tat, they don't owe you one just because they got one. Some people can only invite family or extremely close friends.

Either way, you can't invite just your FI's friend. That's immature... and it is very offensive to just single out the friend's fiancee like that. If you're going to be mad, be mad at both.

lmpatter · January 2013

Right, he is invited while I am not.

In my head, I was not trying to be rude. Thanks for the perspective

Simply Fated · January 2013

You said you're most likely not invited. So you don't even know for sure what the real deal is, yet. Could your fianc ask what's up? It could honestly be an oversight, like the groom's friend's are listed, but the SO's are on a separate list. Or it was a preliminary list that was spotted. Either way, you definitely won't be getting an invitation if you play tit for tat lol. Don't stoop to their level, is my advice.

lauraanne9 · January 2013

Have FI find out if you are invited.

If you are not, I think I would have a discussion with your FI and let him know that you do not feel it is right having EITHER of them at your wedding. While it is probably a friendship ending move, I think the friendship ending play was played by the friend and his fiance when they did not invite you.

Avion22 · January 2013

Not everyone reads etiquette boards. It's possible they don't realize that couples should be invited together, or don't realize that each person should be listed by name on the invitation. Or maybe there was a miscommunication between whoever wrote the guest list out and whoever addressed the invitations (it happens).

Have your fiance call his friend, the groom, and find out if you are, in fact, invited. It's very possible that it was just an oversight.

ofthewheel · January 2013

okay I am going to go against everyone here and say it isn't rude to invite people without their partners.

Obviously sometimes it is when you oknow them both well and do things socially or one is family. But sometimes it isn't.

one of my group of friends and I never invite partners to each others weddings. We know each other well, go back a long way all have history and keep in contact but we don't each others partners we may have met 3/4 times. My FI is hardly ever invited when collegues of mine invite me and others i work with also get invited without partners (some of many many years) you aren't joined at the hip to you partner

If you want to invite her, do so but don't out of purely a sense of obligation. She doesn't know you so she doesn't want you at the wedding. In terms of keeping to a guest list/budget/space that makes sense. You could not invite her but doing it spitefully is not really on. You either do it because you don't want someone you really know at your wedding and space or you invite her because you do have money and space and because you want to invite everyones partners.

Your future relationship with this woman does not rest on a silly invite to one day which may be very important to a few people there but is just a party and food to others. don't let this colour your relationship with her.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:d2f58682-de01-47e6-9353-87d4e811e0c0">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]one of my group of friends and I never invite partners to each others weddings. We know each other well, go back a long way all have history and keep in contact but we don't each others partners we may have met 3/4 times. Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

<div>Excluding partners may be socially acceptable in your group of friends, but they are proposing to split up a couple that will be married by the time that their wedding date arrives and they are essentially breaking up a social unit. Etiquette dictates that a social unit be invited together.</div><div>
</div><div>Even many subscribe to the concept of no ring, no bring, would concur to exclude the OP is wrong because her own engagement implies the commitment and cementing of being a social unit.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, please don't respond to poor etiquette with poor etiquette. FI needs to clarify with his "close" friend about the invitation. They may fully expect you to attend, but have not realized the confusion they have created. I would hope that FI would speak up on your behaf to his friend.</div>

Carson386 · January 2013

Before you freak, find out if you are or aren't invited. If they are inviting your FI with out you, it's completely rude. But that doesn't mean that you have to sink to that level. Significant others are a social unit, they are invited together. FI's friend didn't invite me to his wedding, hesaid he didn't because they weren't inviting fiance's, only spouses, definitely a friendship ending move and FI decided he did not want him at our wedding (also my FI did not attend his friend's wedding).

ETA: when we did save the dates, I did not know one of my cousins was in a relationship, I sent one to him and didn't include a guest on it, he called and I apologized for the mistake and said he could defintely bring her too.

ofthewheel · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:2bb27be1-ea3c-4cea-8619-8af2646a4ff5">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list : Excluding partners may be socially acceptable in your group of friends, but they are proposing to split up a couple that will be married by the time that their wedding date arrives and they are essentially breaking up a social unit. Etiquette dictates that a social unit be invited together. Even many subscribe to the concept of no ring, no bring, would concur to exclude the OP is wrong because her own engagement implies the commitment and cementing of being a social unit.
Posted by cajitasazules[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I am not one social unit with my FI - I wasn't when we started dating and I wont be when we have been married for 40 years. We are seperate social entities who happen to be in a relationship because of that we have been intergrated into the others family social unit and sometimes into a friends social group. But that is not an automatic right on being in a relationship, ring on a finger or not. </div><div>
</div>

hoffse · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:32da4af9-e290-43b3-9bfe-5a516e955bb0">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list : I am not one social unit with my FI - I wasn't when we started dating and I wont be when we have been married for 40 years. We are seperate social entities who happen to be in a relationship because of that we have been intergrated into the others family social unit and sometimes into a friends social group. But that is not an automatic right on being in a relationship, ring on a finger or not.
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

<div>Just because you feel that you can socially function without your FI doesn't mean the two of you are not a social unit for etiquette purposes. Sure - drinks with the girls after work? Probably not going to bring my FI, and you probably wouldn't bring yours - because both of us can function without him. But not inviting my FI to a wedding or vice versa? That's incredibly rude. One of us may choose ON OUR OWN to go without the other, but that doesn't mean that the hosts should or can invite only one of us in any way that is socially appropriate. You have this arrangement with a particular group of friends - fine. But clearly the OP does NOT have that kind of arrangement with this other couple, and she is asking what to do. Etiquette states they must be invited as a unit because for INVITATION PURPOSES they are a unit. Knowing that a couple can probably socially function independently =/= splitting up a couple when you are the hosts.</div>

ofthewheel · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:26b8ccbd-d1d0-4332-a1e2-371a0b925fa2">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list : Just becase you are not offended by something doesn''t mean that it is not rude. Couples are a social unit, they should be invited together. <strong>Maybe you don't know your friends spouses very well because you exclude them instead of trying to get to know them</strong>. I understand leaving the H home if the wedding is going to be a reunion of old friends and he wouldn't have much fun and you'd have more fun without him, but he should still be invited, even if he chooses not to come.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It is one group of friends not the group of friends that I see alot. If we were in each others town or something etc we would see each other with partners. but we made the choice many years ago not to have partners at weddings we don't know them. </div><div>
</div><div><u style="font-weight:bold;font-style:italic;">hoffse </u>- <strong>"</strong><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;"><strong>that doesn't mean that the hosts should or can invite only one of us in any way that is socially appropriate"</strong> Sorry but in many social settings doing that is exceptable. Budget/logistics etc sometimes dictates and actually your prerogative itself means you can chose. As long as it isn't done spitefully or in mean spirts which is something different altogether.</span></div><div>
</div><div>OP - I was just trying to give you an alternative view, in that some people don't view a couple however commited as a single thing when it comes to invites to things. Many people just want people they know and the two of you don't know each other and at her wedding isn't the place to do it she will be two frazzled. As I said before it is one day stop thinking you have to subscribe to some rules of invitation etiquette and do what you want to. Rules are meant to be broken and someone will always have something to say about the way you chose to have a wedding day. </div><div>A wedding invite isn't something you earn and get in return for inviting that person to your wedding. </div>

rsanna · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:32ee19c7-5ea4-4e73-8017-d1fa11b71ed5">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list : It is one group of friends not the group of friends that I see alot. If we were in each others town or something etc we would see each other with partners. but we made the choice many years ago not to have partners at weddings we don't know them. hoffse - " that doesn't mean that the hosts should or can invite only one of us in any way that is socially appropriate" Sorry but in many social settings doing that is exceptable. Budget/logistics etc sometimes dictates and actually your prerogative itself means you can chose. As long as it isn't done spitefully or in mean spirts which is something different altogether. OP - <strong>I was just trying to give you an alternative view, in that some people don't view a couple however commited as a single thing when it comes to invites to things.</strong> Many people just want people they know and the two of you don't know each other and at her wedding isn't the place to do it she will be two frazzled. As I said before it is one day stop thinking you have to subscribe to some rules of invitation etiquette and do what you want to. Rules are meant to be broken and someone will always have something to say about the way you chose to have a wedding day. A wedding invite isn't something you earn and get in return for inviting that person to your wedding.
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

Your view is wrong. Dear god, even NYU would agree with this. OP is going to be HIS WIFE and should be invited together with him to social functions. Whether you think it is spiteful or not is irrelevant because IT IS. You are blatantly telling your friends and family when you don't invite their SPOUSE that they (the person you are inviting) isn't important to you at all for such a huge social slight. Some rules aren't meant to broken.

OliveOilsMom · January 2013

OP - did you receive your invitation yet? Is your name 100% not listed? Then I don't think there is anything you can do about it yet. Your FI's friend and his FI are being extremely rude to not invite you along with your FI. If your FI is such a good friend to the groom, could he ask for a clarification on his invite when it is received? I think your FI should decline the invitation then, if you are not invited. But don't worry about it until you receive their invite.

And ofthewheel: Don't post against etiquette on an etiquette board. You are giving bad advice. You are a social unit with your FI and all social units should be invited to any function together.

s-aries8990 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:d2f58682-de01-47e6-9353-87d4e811e0c0">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]okay I am going to go against everyone here and say it isn't rude to invite people without their partners. Obviously sometimes it is when you oknow them both well and do things socially or one is family. But sometimes it isn't. one of my group of friends and I never invite partners to each others weddings. We know each other well, go back a long way all have history and keep in contact but we don't each others partners we may have met 3/4 times. <strong>My FI is hardly ever invited when collegues of mine invite me and others i work with also get invited without partners </strong>(some of many many years) you aren't joined at the hip to you partner If you want to invite her, do so but don't out of purely a sense of obligation. She doesn't know you so she doesn't want you at the wedding. In terms of keeping to a guest list/budget/space that makes sense. You could not invite her but doing it spitefully is not really on. You either do it because you don't want someone you really know at your wedding and space or you invite her because you do have money and space and because you want to invite everyones partners. Your future relationship with this woman does not rest on a silly invite to one day which may be very important to a few people there but is just a party and food to others. don't let this colour your relationship with her.
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

I think that work-related events are the ONLY acceptable ways to leave off partners- holiday parties or even if a large group of coworkers are attending a wedding.

However, in the majority of cases, when close friends are involved, you should always invite their SO, especially those who are married, engaged, and in LTRs.

I think that by not inviting OP, this woman is coloring their potential relationship- she doesn't respect OP enough to allow her to attend with her husband to-be. Hopefully this is all just a misunderstanding.

hoffse · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:32ee19c7-5ea4-4e73-8017-d1fa11b71ed5">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list : It is one group of friends not the group of friends that I see alot. If we were in each others town or something etc we would see each other with partners. but we made the choice many years ago not to have partners at weddings we don't know them. hoffse - " that doesn't mean that the hosts should or can invite only one of us in any way that is socially appropriate" Sorry but in many social settings doing that is exceptable. <strong>Budget/logistics etc sometimes dictates and actually your prerogative itself means you can chose</strong>. As long as it isn't done spitefully or in mean spirts which is something different altogether. OP - I was just trying to give you an alternative view, in that some people don't view a couple however commited as a single thing when it comes to invites to things. Many people just want people they know and the two of you don't know each other and at her wedding isn't the place to do it she will be two frazzled. As I said before it is one day stop thinking you have to subscribe to some rules of invitation etiquette and do what you want to. Rules are meant to be broken and someone will always have something to say about the way you chose to have a wedding day. A wedding invite isn't something you earn and get in return for inviting that person to your wedding.
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Nope. Part of being an adult is making choices. And social units are invited together. If I must have that additional friend of mine invited to my wedding then I am obligated to find a way to invite her significant other as well, husband or not. That means I take this into consideration when setting a budget, buying a dress, choosing to have buttercream or fondant for my cake, finding a venue, everything. There are 1000 ways to cut corners with a wedding that don't affect your guests at all. Truly, nobody cares if you have $150 floral centerpieces or candles from the dollar store. But there is a very limited list of things you must do as a host when you are opening a wedding up to guests: feed them, give them a chair to sit in, make a restroom available, and INVITE THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Why? Because the reality is, I don't have to invite that friend at all for me to get married- we could go to the courthouse as many couples choose to do and have it just be about us. But as soon as I decide to invite that friend, I am obligated to keep some considerations in mind for her comfort, and that includes inviting her significant other as a social unit.

</div>

AdeleDazeem · January 2013

ofthewheel - this is the etiquette board so you should advise with proper etiquette.

Weddings are not happy hours or family parties - they are hosted events that rise to a higher standard. With that standard comes the notion of couples being social units. I'm sorry you don't see it that way, but that doesn't make it any less true. Offering the OP your odd social group's rules doesn't help her - it simply muddies the waters that wedding etiquette has made quite clear.

And before you say etiquette is some stuffy, out of date set of traditions, I'm going to offer this: Etiquette is a set of social standards designed to keep guests comfortable at an event. It has little to do with many wedding traditions (throwing the bouquet, having cake, marrying in a church) and is truly about being a gracious host - inviting couples together, not charging guests a thing at the reception, hosting appropriate food, drink and entertainment for the time of day. These are kind things for your guest to improve their enjoyment of your event. If you are a good host, you want these things for them.

ofthewheel · January 2013

All I was doing was giving the OP a different view.

It may not be appropriate for her or for her friends. You all may disagree and not like it.

But what I discribed is common and not seen as rude at all and would be understood by my extended family, FI extended family and the groups of friends we both know.

You may all disagree but I was simply given a different viewpoint of what makes a social unit I was using what happens in my family and friends as an example.

OP I hope you find out if there was a misconmunication or misunderstanding or if you are not invited. . Perhaps she feels uncomfortable about having someone she doesn't know watch her get married. Your FI could mention it to his friend but she might still feel that way. (if you FI and his friends are very close and you still arent invited your FI could always hint or suggest that you could come to the reception/night-do which they might be more comfortable with - but that is a lot of ifs)

I also hope you dont let this colour your relationship with her for the future it is only one day.

rsanna · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:b8c3931a-7811-4b12-84e3-eaf88458792d">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]All I was doing was giving the OP a different view. It may not be appropriate for her or for her friends. You all may disagree and not like it. But what I discribed is common and not seen as rude at all and would be understood by my extended family, FI extended family and the groups of friends we both know. You may all disagree but I was simply given a different viewpoint of what makes a social unit I was using what happens in my family and friends as an example. OP I hope you find out if there was a misconmunication or misunderstanding or if you are not invited. . Perhaps she feels uncomfortable about having someone she doesn't know watch her get married. Your FI could mention it to his friend but she might still feel that way. (if you FI and his friends are very close and you still arent invited your FI could always hint or suggest that you could come to the reception/night-do which they might be more comfortable with - but that is a lot of ifs) I also hope you dont let this colour your relationship with her for the future it is only one day.
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

This is just ridiculous. Because under the assumption the OP's FI and this groom are good friends it is really smart to make such a public slight to the OP. These are people that will be (presumably) be in each other's lives for a long time. So what if the bride doesn't know the OP. She isn't going to get to know her any better by being blatantly rude and damaging the possibility of any type of relationship with the OP.

StephJean83 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:b8c3931a-7811-4b12-84e3-eaf88458792d">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]All I was doing was giving the OP a different view. It may not be appropriate for her or for her friends. You all may disagree and not like it. But what I discribed is common and not seen as rude at all and would be understood by my extended family, FI extended family and the groups of friends we both know. You may all disagree but I was simply given a different viewpoint of what makes a social unit I was using what happens in my family and friends as an example. OP I hope you find out if there was a misconmunication or misunderstanding or if you are not invited. .<strong> Perhaps she feels uncomfortable about having someone she doesn't know watch her get married</strong>. Your FI could mention it to his friend but she might still feel that way. (if you FI and his friends are very close and you still arent invited your FI could always hint or suggest that you could come to the reception/night-do which they might be more comfortable with - but that is a lot of ifs) I also hope you dont let this colour your relationship with her for the future it is only one day.
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

I have HORRIBLE anxiety and the thought of having 300 people watch me say my vows and get married is giving me nightmares and I'm still 2 years out from my wedding. My FH has a large family, and they all are very close, so not inviting some isn't an option. I will be meeting a large chunk of his family the day of the wedding(his great aunts/uncles, parents cousins, some of his cousins) but I will still invite these people because my FH cares about them and wants them there. If the OP's FI's friend truly cares about the friendship with OP and her FI, than OP needs to be invited or neither are invited.

AdeleDazeem · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:b8c3931a-7811-4b12-84e3-eaf88458792d">Re: Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]All I was doing was giving the OP a different view. It may not be appropriate for her or for her friends. You all may disagree and not like it. But what I discribed is common and not seen as rude at all and would be understood by my extended family, FI extended family and the groups of friends we both know. You may all disagree but I was simply given a different viewpoint of what makes a social unit I was using what happens in my family and friends as an example. OP I hope you find out if there was a misconmunication or misunderstanding or if you are not invited. . Perhaps she feels uncomfortable about having someone she doesn't know watch her get married. Your FI could mention it to his friend but she might still feel that way. (if you FI and his friends are very close and you still arent invited your FI could always hint or suggest that you could come to the reception/night-do which they might be more comfortable with - but that is a lot of ifs) I also hope you dont let this colour your relationship with her for the future it is only one day.
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

I was really trying to be nice and explain a very logical point when it comes to hosting events and weddings. You don't want to hear what we are saying ...at all, which is extremely frustrating. Your way works for 0.001% of the population while our way works for 99.99%. What else can I say?

I don't have the patience to talk to a brick wall.

AddieCake · January 2013

I have only skimmed the responses, so forgive me if I repeat something that was already said multiple times. It is entirely possible it was just an oversight. My husband (then fiance) received an invitation to the wedding of one of his best friends. It was addressed only to him. At first, I was furiious, but then he explained that the bride probably didn't know what she was doing, and we checked with the groom, and yes, of course, I was invited.

The bride had simply addressed the invitation to the person she knew. She has never met me. That invitation also included registry information, so it was a whole package of etiquette faux pas that we just shook our heads at, chalked up to simply not knowing the right way, and didn't make a fuss about.

jlm9113 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invited-to-wedding-of-couple-on-my-own-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b2c42ae-b474-406e-8c64-5d9eb2554e5cPost:892ddf5b-52a0-4028-8158-edcc5be5bca4">Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]I found out today from my fiance that I am most likely NOT invited to the wedding of one of his close friends. We currently have both their names down as a married couple on our own guest list. This couple got engaged a month after my fiance and I, and will be getting married in May, while we are getting married in July. This puts me in kind of an awkward position. I do not want to invite the new wife (who I have hung out with a few times before, but we aren't close) to my wedding in July if she did not care enough to have me at hers in May. I don't want to simply invite her out of obligation. That isn't fair. If she can choose if I attend hers, I feel that I should be able to choose if she attends mine. My fiance told me he agrees with this reasoning and thinks it sounds fair. In this situation, would it be alright to only invite one spouse? They are pretty easy-going and would probably understand...
Posted by lmpatter[/QUOTE]

Am I correct when I read this as this other couple is inviting your FI to their wedding and not you? If so, I'd hope your FI would decline the invitation.

Other than that, though, when it comes to your guest list, the proper thing to do is invite them both or don't invite either of them at all. Be the bigger person here; at the end of the day, you'll have been the person who cared enough about her guests to follow etiquette and make sure they were properly hosted.

stantokm · January 2013

If your fiance finds out that you're definitely not invited, he should simply decline. If his friend asks him why, he can say that he's uncomfortable attending without you.

For your wedding, I would probably not want to invite them at all, but I'd leave it up to the groom and either invite both or neither.

Dreamergirl8812 · January 2013

Tell her about this interesting and informative community forum you discovered called the knot, and how you've prevented making some wedding faux pas by lurking on the etiquette forum...

Not invited to wedding of couple on my own guest list

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