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Seriously?!? No Gift?!?

Em72653Em72653 member
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in New Jersey
I had a few guests that did not get us a gift, not even a card. All I keep hearing is "Oh I forgot to bring it" or "I'll put it in the mail" or "Sorry I didn't put enough postage on your card and it got sent back to me". One couple didn't even say anything to us, just didn't get us anything. People are unbelivable!
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Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!?

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    shoebieshoebie member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Gifts are not mandatory while nice and usually expected times are tough yes they could have bought you a card and brought it with them at the very least but right now you sound like a snob. Be thankful they took time off work and out of their schedule to be a part of this next step of your life. 
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    futuremrsburroughsfuturemrsburroughs member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_seriously-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:8769fae3-cbee-42ea-8953-85d8ecd49c2cPost:09c9cba3-4749-44b2-8a59-a1c37bcf4d8e">Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Gifts are not mandatory while nice and usually expected times are tough yes they could have bought you a card and brought it with them at the very least but right now you sound like a snob. Be thankful they took time off work and out of their schedule to be a part of this next step of your life. 
    Posted by shoebie420[/QUOTE]

    This. People also have a year to send you a wedding gift.
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    Em72653Em72653 member
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    edited December 2011
    To me its rude not to bring at least a card. Every wedding I get invited to, if I can't go I send a gift or if I go, I do my best to cover our plates. Times are tough, I totally get that. My dearest friend who is what you call a "starving artist" (we all were at some point) even got me a small small gift even though I know her funds have been tight for years now which I truely appreciated. Everyone knows that if you get invited to a party, birthday, wedding etc you should always bring a gift, Its just being nice. So I might sound like a snob but I am not, it is just what you do.
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    shoebieshoebie member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So thats what weddings are for is to get the gifts ah now i got it this whole time planning i thought it was for my family and friends to be there as I commit my love to my fiance and form a special bond before my loved ones silly me its about the gifts ! 
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    TwoByTwilightTwoByTwilight member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I always feel a little uneasy when someone tells me (this happend recently) that they don't have the money to give me a wedding gift in time for my wedding.

    It makes me cringe because I know it's not mandatory but I also know that most people do give gifts (my family being Italian are HUGE gift givers)

    as PP said they do have up to a year to send something if they'd like to, if they don't then they don't.
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    rlavachrlavach member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_seriously-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:8769fae3-cbee-42ea-8953-85d8ecd49c2cPost:5f3b015e-b164-41a0-b608-0232428d2326">Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]To me its rude not to bring at least a card. Every wedding I get invited to, if I can't go I send a gift or if I go, I do my best to cover our plates. Times are tough, I totally get that. My dearest friend who is what you call a "starving artist" (we all were at some point) even got me a small small gift even though I know her funds have been tight for years now which I truely appreciated. <strong>Everyone knows that if you get invited to a party, birthday, wedding etc you should always bring a gift, Its just being nice</strong>. So I might sound like a snob but I am not, it is just what you do.
    Posted by Em72653[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is what makes you sound arrogant. Yes, it has become culturally common & expected for gifts to be given, but they're not mandatory & everyone knows that. No one is entitled to anything.</div><div>
    </div><div>Your original post makes it seem like you actually contacted these people & asked where your gift was. Think about how you would feel if you couldn't afford to bring a gift, didn't think or forgot to bring a card, & then got a call from an angry bride. You wouldn't want to be her friend anymore, would you? I know I wouldn't made up whatever BS (I forgot it, it's in the mail) and then deleted her phone #.</div>

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    akcrrrakcrrr
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It is not a matter of a gift that OP is upset about...it is the thought. 
    If you know someone went to a lot of trouble to throw a party (wedding or otherwise) you should try to acknowledge it with something. 

    Someone in my family who doesn't have a lot of money took the time to write down their top 25 recipies and put them on index cards for me. That probably cost them $2.00 but you could tell they put a lot of thought into it. 

    Going to a wedding and not even giving a card is rude! 

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    altimat873altimat873 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would personally neveeeeer show up to a wedding without at least a card. I would always gift a gift as well, even though its not necessary and times are rough and people have up to a year - even a card? I did once forget the card witht he gift but I sent it in the mail the next day because I felt so awful.
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    Em72653Em72653 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just to make it clear, I never once called up guests asking for "my entitled gifts". Where someone got that idea, i know where. Those were just comments and messages that were left on my phone or said to me during the wedding.

    I understand a wedding is about you and your FI and this commitment you are about to take with your family and friends by your side. As a PP said, it is nice to the Bride and Groom and even family if they paid for it that the guests show their appreciation and acknowledgement. Just a card shows that and that isn't a big hassle.

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    futuremrsburroughsfuturemrsburroughs member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree PP, I wouldn't show up to a wedding, or any party for that matter empty handed. But they also do have up to a year to send a gift, which if they genuinely forgot to bring the gift that day, they may plan on sending it within that window of opportunity.
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    Em72653Em72653 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_seriously-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:8769fae3-cbee-42ea-8953-85d8ecd49c2cPost:a3131be1-4150-470d-89e0-78b7368acc9e">Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It is not a matter of a gift that OP is upset about...it is the thought.  If you know someone went to a lot of trouble to throw a party (wedding or otherwise) you should try to acknowledge it with something.  <strong>Someone in my family who doesn't have a lot of money took the time to write down their top 25 recipies and put them on index cards for me. That probably cost them $2.00 but you could tell they put a lot of thought into it. </strong> Going to a wedding and not even giving a card is rude! 
    Posted by akcrrr[/QUOTE]

    That is a sweet gift!
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    DoubleASDoubleAS
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    For us, we never go anywhere without a gift.  Even at weddings, we are generous gift givers despite the location (some people like to "cover their plate", at least).  But, if people are giving gifts, they have to give what they can, especially in this economy.  It may sound harsh for me to say this, but it's almost expected that you will have at least one scenario like this.  A card should have DEF been brought.  Weddings shouldn't be held to make money, they're held to celebrate your marriage.  Would my fiance and I love to make back everything that we are shelling out for our day?  Of course.  Is it realisitc... Im not sure.  Either way, we're doing this, like most others to celebrate our special day, not to fatten our bank account.  So, enjoy the gifts that you did receive and give this some time.... You never know, you may get a little something in the mail. 
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It happens at every wedding. We had members of our immediate family who didn't give us anything.

    Let it go.
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    rlavachrlavach member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Of course a card SHOULD have been brought. I've never attended an event of any kind without one. But just because they didn't, doesn't mean it's time to rip them apart on an international forum. 

    If these people actually came up to you or sent you messages, without your proding, explaining the mishap, what's the problem? S**t happens, people forget! If they went out of their way to tell you that, it's because they had every intention to bring you a card and/or gift & will do so soon. So there really is no problem.

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    kristen8040kristen8040 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is it frustrating? Of course, but that's not going to change anything.  Also, we just got a card from a friend of ours about a month ago, four months after our wedding.  People have other things going on in their lives and sending a gift late is not that big of a deal.
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    cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it is hilarious how the response to this is always "a gift isn't required" or "they have up to a year to bring a gift". But when you get married, and someone doesn't give you a gift or card at the wedding, it stands out like a sore thumb. And why is that, if they aren't expected? Because most people give a gift or at the very least, a card. And yes, this happens to all families and probably at all weddings.

    I too would NEVER show up to a wedding without a gift (money) and card. I would personally feel extremely rude doing that, but that's just me. So yes, when one of my dad's Aunts didn't give us a card, it was extremely obvious. We were concerned we may have lost it, because we had a card box that DH was carrying around saying "Its the superbowl trophy!" at the end of the night, LOL! So it was certainly possible it was lost. It turns out, this woman gave a check to my dad's cousin when she got married 35 years ago, and the check bounced, and when she found out, he told them she would send a new check, and she never did.
    So yeah, she obviously didn't give us a card. I could care less, but in my eyes, it just makes her look rude. (especially when you lie and act like you are going to give a gift and just never do. If you can't afford it, just be honest, or you will look like a jerk).
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    smilygrl17smilygrl17
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Their presence should be present enough. Yes, it would be nice to have some sort of acknowledgement, but sometimes just taking the time out of their schedule to come to your wedding is a hassle and to have to get a card or buy a gift or write a check can be too much. Gifts aren't mandatory, you should be glad that they wanted to celebrate with you at a special time in your life.
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    cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So if you have 200 guests at your wedding, and none of them gives you a gift, you mean to tell me that you'd feel their presence was enough? I just don't buy that.
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    k8888k8888
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I plan on standing by the entrance to my venue to collect everyone's cards/gifts and then immediately send my husband to the bank.

    (Obviously kidding.... maybe..)
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    TripleJTobeTripleJTobe
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OK Cindyn9178 and K8888- you girls are cracking me up over here!!!!! lololol

    PS:
    My fiance and I are planning on looking like this at the end of the night! Any guest that doesn't pin money to us upon entering our reception, will be immediately escorted out to the parking lot! lol

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    Danes983Danes983 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree 100% about atleast a card.  We just got a wedding gift 2 weeks ago from a very wealthy CEO who came to our wedding. They forgot and wanted to give in person.  My cousin on the other hand told me she forgot, told me she was mailing and I never got.  I was upset with her more bc her kids were in my wedding and I would have like a signed card from them.  I knew the money for her was very tight. I made my point saying look, I didnt need a gift, but I like to save the cards for certain people (gasp! i threw some away yes!) and i would have liked to have one from the girls.  At this point 10 months later, i really dont care, it did hurt at first. but my husband sure does. lol
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    sgdc2011sgdc2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We had a few not bring a gift either.  It happens.  Now you know you don't give them a gift for their next event.

    My Dad's cousin was the only one who did not bring a gift to my shower, she sent a gift a week later, from her family (her kids were not invited) saying sorry the kids can't make it they have other obligations, but they are looking forward to the wedding.  It was a gift I would have expected as a shower gift.  They didn't bring a gift to the wedding either, so I'm assuming the other gift was the wedding gift.

    People don't always have your standards, I know I don't even show up to a dinner party without bringing something, so I get where you are coming from.
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    shoebieshoebie member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Let me clairfy I would never ever show up to a wedding without a card with cash in it but I am saying if someone(s) came to my wedding and for went the gift I would not get upset about it I would jsut be glad they where there for the wedding 
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    cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    And I'll ask my question again (to everyone).. let's say half of your guests don't give you a wedding gift or a card. Would you be hurt? Would you think they were rude? Or would you still say you were happy they attended and not care?
    Or is it easier to accept if it is just one or two people who don't give an "non-obligatory" gift?
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    rlavachrlavach member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_seriously-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:8769fae3-cbee-42ea-8953-85d8ecd49c2cPost:cd6ba8de-bd4f-4720-85a2-7bbf422bd5db">Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We had a few not bring a gift either.  It happens.  <strong>Now you know you don't give them a gift for their next event</strong>. My Dad's cousin was the only one who did not bring a gift to my shower, she sent a gift a week later, from her family (her kids were not invited) saying sorry the kids can't make it they have other obligations, but they are looking forward to the wedding.  It was a gift I would have expected as a shower gift.  They didn't bring a gift to the wedding either, so I'm assuming the other gift was the wedding gift. People don't always have your standards, I know I don't even show up to a dinner party without bringing something, so I get where you are coming from.
    Posted by sgdc2011[/QUOTE]

    <div>WOW</div>

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    37 Butter Knives37 Butter Knives member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We received a very generous check from friends of my parents - but as it turned out, it bounced.

    Did I stalk them and demand they pay up? Tell my parents to shaft them if they ever host a party? No, we thanked them for their "generous gift" and left it at that.

    There were a couple of guests who didn't give us a gift or card. It didn't bother us - we were happy they joined us!

    Since I would have been happy if we didn't have a wedding, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be upset if we didn't receive thousands of dollars from our guests. But I do believe that if you're from this area, you probably have a specific view of what a "proper" wedding gift should be.

    If you read more national forums, you'll see that "cover your plate" is considered ridiculous and that people tend to not give money (but instead, gifts from the registry). Frankly, we expect too much of our guests. Then again, given how the platinum wedding is the default here, we seem to expect too much from our weddings.
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    sgdc2011sgdc2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_seriously-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:8769fae3-cbee-42ea-8953-85d8ecd49c2cPost:51d37650-68e6-4bd2-a361-78520812b34b">Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!? : WOW
    Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

    I kept an excel spreadsheet of what I give at weddings and what I recieved.  I generally give the same amount as what I am given.

    I don't see a problem with giving the same gift that I was given, or not given.

    Why am I going to go out of my way to cover my plate if someone gave me $50 gift for mine. 

    I am still attending, and according to some people here, my presence it gift enough.
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    37 Butter Knives37 Butter Knives member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_seriously-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:8769fae3-cbee-42ea-8953-85d8ecd49c2cPost:51024d05-e188-4574-913d-48d9ac0e8c79">Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!? : I kept an excel spreadsheet of what I give at weddings and what I recieved.  I generally give the same amount as what I am given. I don't see a problem with giving the same gift that I was given, or not given. Why am I going to go out of my way to cover my plate if someone gave me $50 gift for mine.  I am still attending, and according to some people here, my presence it gift enough.
    Posted by sgdc2011[/QUOTE]

    Your presence ceases to be a present when you're being passive-aggressive and spiteful. The people you shafted for not being "generous enough" at your wedding WILL find out. I can only hope they send you a tab for the cost they spent to entertain you!
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    sgdc2011sgdc2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_seriously-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:8769fae3-cbee-42ea-8953-85d8ecd49c2cPost:522b2b12-d709-4e3e-948c-545d273ffdf6">Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!? : Your presence ceases to be a present when you're being passive-aggressive and spiteful. The people you shafted for not being "generous enough" at your wedding WILL find out. <strong>I can only hope they send you a tab for the cost they spent to entertain you!</strong>
    Posted by 37 Butter Knives[/QUOTE]

    I don't think so.  I typically give $300 for DH and I.  However, if I am given a $200 gift from someone, that's what I give them back.  I don't consider that being shafted if that's what they gave me. 
    As for sending the tab- I could do the same, so therefore, that comment is silly.
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    kristen8040kristen8040 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_seriously-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:8769fae3-cbee-42ea-8953-85d8ecd49c2cPost:51024d05-e188-4574-913d-48d9ac0e8c79">Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Seriously?!? No Gift?!? : I kept an excel spreadsheet of what I give at weddings and what I recieved.  I generally give the same amount as what I am given. I don't see a problem with giving the same gift that I was given, or not given. Why am I going to go out of my way to cover my plate if someone gave me $50 gift for mine.  I am still attending, and according to some people here, my presence it gift enough.
    Posted by sgdc2011[/QUOTE]

    <div>I do the same thing.  Oh and heere's a little story: so we got a wedding card that had nothing in it, not just no gift but no writing either.  We felt bad if somone had meant to give it and wouldn't receive a thank you note because we had no idea who it was from.  We sent text messages and email to the people who hadn't given anything to see if it belonged to anyone.  No one said it was theirs, but it did serve as a nice "reminder" to a few that they hadn't given anything.</div>
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