XP-Sticky situation: Invites

rebeccaa12 · December 2011

Okay, so my BM and very very dear friend is unfortunately going through a divorce (I was her MOH at the time). I'm totally mortified and deeply sad for her. She is surprisingly optimistic and has moved out and after long long conversations with her, she is happy with her decision. So obviously, as her supporter, I am too. The decision to divorce came about 2 weeks ago. She has already moved out and is beginning the long process of divorce.

She and I are deeply close and talk daily, so I am in NO way being insensitive or trying to sound like 'its all about me'. This is why I'm going to a netural third party for an answer (you). For the record, there is virtually ZERO wedding talk with her, besides when she ordered her dress.

So the dilemma is this: All of my invitations are formal and written Ms./Mr./Mrs. First Name Last Name, surname if applicable. Because of the situation, should I default to Ms. First name Maiden name, or should I put Mrs. First Name Future Ex's Last Name. I don't want to be insensitive because the divorce proceedings are in the works, although it is not finalized.

Help!

73jewels · December 2011

I think as long as she is still officially married you are supposed to address it to her as Mrs. First Name Futre Ex's Last Name. A lot of people wind up keeping their exes last name (especially if there are kids involved).

But that being said, since she is a close friend, I would ask her what she feels comfortable with and do that.

cmac3504 · December 2011

Yeah, if she's being optimistic about it all, I'd probably ask her. I don't know this stuff that well, but even if she kept her married last name wouldn't it be safe to go with Ms. [first name] [ex's last name], therefore indicating not married? It's my understanding that Ms. covers all bases/ could go either way.

rebeccaa12 · December 2011

Yea, I guess I could ask her. I just try to put myself in her shoes and don't want to seem like I'm bringing up something so stupid during a difficult time, KWIM?

Aks3131 · December 2011

I would put Ms. instead of Mrs. and her first name ex-husbands last name because legally its still her name

arrestclementine · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_march-2012-weddings_sticky-situation-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:955e4823-0be1-44ef-9ee7-99a63794e103Discussion:be9d8527-9bc6-4d90-94c0-cf3cdca2a579Post:76fb9714-574c-41e5-97a8-eb28fe3cd32a">Re: XP-Sticky situation: Invites</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think as long as she is still officially married you are supposed to address it to her as Mrs. First Name Futre Ex's Last Name</strong>. A lot of people wind up keeping their exes last name (especially if there are kids involved). But that being said, since she is a close friend, I would ask her what she feels comfortable with and do that.
Posted by 73jewels[/QUOTE]

I think I would do this. But if you feel comfortable in asking I would do that.

femmepink · December 2011

You should still address her by her married name.

Most people even once they are divorced, still keep their ex's last name until they marry again, but they change the "Mrs. to Ms.".

So I would put, "Ms. Ex-husband's Lastname" since it is still her name and she has not gone through a legal name change yet. A divorce doesn't qualify as a name change.

cu97tiger · December 2011

You should absolutely ask her before you make this decision. If the divorce will be final, then she would be Ms. Whatever Hername Is. If she is still married, then it's trickier, because technically even if she WILL change her last name, she is still Mrs. Whatever Hermarried NameIs

bethmerchant · December 2011

I'm divorced and kept my married name (can't wait to get rid of it!) and re-added my maiden name. If you are that close to her, just bring it up in conversation one day. "So, have you thought about what last name you're going to use?" I don't think that is insensitive, in fact, if she changes her name it may need to be part of the divorce decree. My name had to be the last item in the divorce settlement. I had people asking me and I didn't think anything of it. I've had people ask me what my name is going to be after I marry in March. Enquiring minds want to know.

rebeccaa12 · December 2011

Yea, it was hard. I was debating on whether or not to ask her to avoid sounding insensitive:

Like, omg, I'm so sorry you are goign through this terrible event, do you want to keep your last name?

KWIM? I ended up asking her, and she wanted to be addressed by her maiden, even though it isn't finalized yet.

brittandjp · December 2011

Since you are so close to her, I would definitely ask her. I'd probably go with her current last name, not maiden name, but she'll obviously give you the best answer to this question.

I can't imagine it being more than, "Hey, so I was getting ready to address your invite and I couldn't decide which last name to write.. Do you have a preference? Would you prefer we address it as Firstname Currentname OR Firstname Maidenname?" Easy as that. I'm sure she'll give you a straight forward and quick response. Just be prepared to change the subject so she doesn't have to dwell on the sticky situation. Good luck!

XP-Sticky situation: Invites

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