Divorced ILs?

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2012

How is inviting a person to your wedding (which is the ONLY thing this OP is talking about) equivalent to treating them "the same as a real parent"? By that completely absurd definition, I just treated 137 people "the same as a real parent" back in August.

jenferian · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:b5497a6c-a9dc-4838-83e2-f0ef3a471016">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Divorced ILs? : Someone who has an affair with a married person with a child (especially if it were a minor child), thereby contributing to breakup on home (note I said contribute, not solely responsible) has hardly been nothing but kind to said child.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

You have a very appropriate screenname. You very much act like a little girl.

Grow up. Get over it. Invest in therapy. Get a puppy. Find Jesus. Something.

Sorry, baby, but your Dad is HUMAN. For whatever reason, it didn't work out between him and your mom. For reasons you will NEVER know because a marriage is between TWO people.

Your Dad was going to find an out--be it via another woman, divorce, etc.

Happy people in happy marriages do not cheat. God, I feel so sorry for your stepmother.

Oh, sorry, your father's wife. Grow up.

jenferian · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:d14c90e9-7e18-482a-b939-79789aacea7f">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]NYU - you really need to get over this. My parents divorced 27 years ago for the same reason. My father is still married to the same woman. I've had debates on here about calling her "father's wife" vs. "stepmother". By definition stepmother is correct, I refuse to. It's a faux pas and flames I've willingly taken. You need to realize that: 1. Your father's affair had nothing, zero, zip, zilch to do with you or your relationship with him. 2. Your father's wife did NOTHING to you. Her affair with your father has nothing, zero, zip, zilch to do with you. You are beyond jaded on this topic and cannot see any other POV but your own. I highly recommend you stay out of these threads going forward. You do not offer any objective advice. Significant others need to be invited. The fact that you would deny (per StephJean's example) an inviation to the long time BF/GF of a friend because they were not living together at the time an invitation went out is ridiculous. It doesn't matter if they were together for one day, one week, one year or 10 years. If they are "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" to the person in question that's all that matters. ETA: OP also never indicated that FI didn't want to invite FFIL GF because he dislikes her. I got the impression that it was because of pressure from BSC FMIL. Like the others said, that's emotional blackmail and shouldn't be given in to.
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

Ditto on all accounts. Same with me. Married to the stepmother for 11 years now. It took a few years, but I made peace with it.

Happy people in happy relationships don't cheat.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:bd503722-750d-4f54-910a-c48234be6750">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said stepmothers should be destroyed. I think that all I have ever said is that they do not automatically get to be treated same as a real parent.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

oh lawd.

Nobody automatically gets treated as a 'real parent'. It's a role, not an entitlement. You earn it through gestures, love, and what you've done for your child. Squeezing a kid out of your body, or randomly having a drunken unprotected night with a girl does not make you a 'real parent'.

And by god, if someone has spent years raising and showering love upon a child, I do NOT care if they are blood related. That person is a 'real parent'.

sleepyb · December 2012

Just have to say - my FMIL doesn't want us to invite FFIL's girlfriend. FFIL has been with his girlfriend for 7ish years. Even before I spent time lurking on this forum, I knew that I would be inviting her and that's before I even met her. FMIL thinks she'll be dishonored by having FFIL's girlfriend there (something to do with Vietnamese culture). We will be inviting the woman and then it is up to the 3 adults to make the decision about who attends. I have a feeling FFIL will not bring his girlfriend just to avoid FMIL's BSC moments, but that's his decision. It's my decision to not look like an @ss by just inviting everyone.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:8917939d-9260-43c7-b223-eacc1890d7cd">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just have to say - my FMIL doesn't want us to invite FFIL's girlfriend. FFIL has been with his girlfriend for 7ish years. Even before I spent time lurking on this forum, I knew that I would be inviting her and that's before I even met her. FMIL thinks she'll be dishonored by having FFIL's girlfriend there (something to do with Vietnamese culture). We will be inviting the woman and then it is up to the 3 adults to make the decision about who attends. I have a feeling FFIL will not bring his girlfriend just to avoid FMIL's BSC moments, but that's his decision. It's my decision to not look like an @ss by just inviting everyone.
Posted by sleepyb[/QUOTE]

Good for you <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />. That's perfect.

jenferian · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:9fdb4bd0-fb8b-4f11-9972-e20400975da4">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Divorced ILs? : oh lawd . Nobody automatically gets treated as a 'real parent'. It's a role, not an entitlement. You earn it through gestures, love, and what you've done for your child. Squeezing a kid out of your body, or randomly having a drunken unprotected night with a girl does not make you a 'real parent'. And by god, if someone has spent years raising and showering love upon a child, I do NOT care if they are blood related. That person is a 'real parent'.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I have a 22-year-old sister (step) who married last month. At her wedding, both her biological father and my father (her stepfather) walked her down the aisle. Why? Because since she was 11 years old, my father raised her as his own. He has never treated her less than either my brother or I, and I love my father even more knowing his heart is big enough to love my stepsister and stepbrother as his own. THAT is a real parent.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:430b2d95-fedb-47ef-89b4-655e71925066">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]Eddie, a spouse or fiance must be invited, or it would be a breach of etiquette. The rules are not as clear on GF/BF (other than in Knot World). Some authorities look to whether they are living togethor, some how long-term. The social unit rule, as intrepreted in Knot-World land, is an extreme position. Especially if dad is not living with his GF, I think there are authorities that would support not having to invite the GF.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

After EIGHT years? That's not a serious, long-term relationship?

OP, my parents are divorced. My dad lives with his GF and will probably not get remarried. Not only was she there, but my brother escorted her down the aisle as if she were a family member (though my mom went afterwards, as she was the most important parent, being MOB).

My parents do not get along. They do not talk. It is awkward to be in the same room with them together. My mom is remarried.

They wouldn't be together to meet my in-laws, so they scheduled separate events for that. They sat separately at the RD. They had separate tables, across the room from each other at the reception. We obviously took separate photos.

Thankfully, no one was BSC. My family is much more passive-agressive than that. :) But you can assure everyone they will only have the minimum amount of interaction.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:e7b1a10c-d28f-4b5b-a47e-cb1a87b0321d">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, side note: NYU, your father's g/f having a relationship with him was not about you . I don't get why you have so much animosity for your step-mother for her role in (apparently) ruining your childhood, while giving your dad a free pass. Is it because of the money? If so, you should definitely let your FI know he can buy him self instant forgiveness by showering you with expensive presents. That's something a certain type of guy would be very enthusiastic about.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

I don't think it even ruined her childhood. I think this happened to her like 4 years ago. She's just a very, very immature adult who doesn't realize that most things (like her parents' romantic relationships) aren't about her.

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

I saw how many posts this had and peeked in to see what crazypants crap NYU was spouting about this time. As usual, she doesn't disappoint.

The best part is that she generally argues that LTR are also to be included with the live-in/engaged/married category... but because this scenario applies to a couple in which the woman was "the other woman", it doesn't qualify. SMH.

I hope someday (soon) you seek a very good therapist, NYU. For not only your sake, but for that of your partner and any future children you may have. It is NOT healthy to grow up in a household in which one parent holds that kind of resentment and hatred (especially when it is misplaced like yours).

NYCMercedes · December 2012

Am I allowed to ask NYUgirl to stop hijacking threads with her personal agenda, or is that not allowed under Internet etiquette?

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:ea89d287-20c5-4dd7-93db-c43de904a354">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I allowed to ask NYUgirl to stop hijacking threads with her personal agenda, or is that not allowed under Internet etiquette?
Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

You can ask. She won't do it, because she's a neurotic head case, but you can ask.

SteelHibiscus · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:b5497a6c-a9dc-4838-83e2-f0ef3a471016">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Divorced ILs? : Someone who has an affair with a married person with a child (especially if it were a minor child), thereby contributing to breakup on home (note I said contribute, not solely responsible) has hardly been nothing but kind to said child.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

NYU, I'm sorry that your personal experiences have been unsatisfactory, but do NOT come on here jumping to conclusions about my ILs like you know the family. I expect not to have to tell you this again.

SteelHibiscus · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:f257a265-2698-4e09-8fdc-32b839d7cab9">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]I call my father's wife "my father's wife" becuase she has been a beeyatch to me, undermined my intelligence from an early age and is always condescending. I call her kids my stepsiblings because they have been kind and nice the whole way through. I don't let my dislike for my father's wife cloud my judgement. OP, do you know why FI doesn't want to invite his dad's GF? Is it because of Mom?
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

Zackly. FMIL believes in emotional blackmail like no one I have ever met, and I don't think anyone's ever really worked through that with her.
We have quite a bit of time before the wedding though, so I'm sure we can get her a little more reasonable by then.

Simply Fated · December 2012

Wait! I have a legit question for NYUgirl and while I don't want to continue the crazy on this thread, I'm not sure it warrants it's own thread, either...
Or maybe someone else can answer this if she already has said this in another thread...

Do you (or did you ever) blame your stepmom for your parents' divorce?

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:da8870bb-d017-4e1e-90da-f49bc0af993d">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait! I have a legit question for NYUgirl and while I don't want to continue the crazy on this thread, I'm not sure it warrants it's own thread, either... Or maybe someone else can answer this if she already has said this in another thread... Do you (or did you ever) blame your stepmom for your parents' divorce?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Oh, BIG TIME.

Daddy isn't to blame at all because, you know, he's funding NYU's PPD.

It's 100% the fault of stepmom/dad's GF (it changes depending on what thread you're in) because she was "the other woman".

Simply Fated · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-ils?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:242924ce-5d7b-42a5-9c07-da79a1a74f03Post:2b8563d2-9ce4-482b-8108-6ff39b1980de">Re: Divorced ILs?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Divorced ILs? : Oh, BIG TIME. Daddy isn't to blame at all because, you know, he's funding NYU's PPD. It's 100% the fault of stepmom/dad's GF (it changes depending on what thread you're in) because she was "the other woman".
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

I think NYU is in serious denial abut the reality of her parents' marriage, which I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking.

Simply Fated · December 2012

It's none of my business what really went down in my parents' divorce. I had food, clothes, a home... as long as I was safe, they can live their love lives however they want.

scooterpie7 · December 2012

Yikes. We invited my mother-in-law's non-live-in boyfriend/companion because... seriously? Does this need a 'because'? Because she is my husband's mother, and she is entitled to bring her partner to her son's wedding, and because little pedantic etiquette rules seem kind of irrelevant when you are talking about the parents of the bridal couple.

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