wedding date?

lrw_bld · November 2009

I became engaged last week, although my fiance and I had talked about it and started planning before he actually proposed. We had a date set for 2011, because of specific reasons, but we are kind of thinking about trying to move it up a year for other reasons.
Here are our reasons for waiting until 2011:
       - I am currently in my sophmore year of college and attenting community college applying to transfer to a four-year college this coming fall (2010).
       - I have always said that I wasn't going to get married until at least after my junior year of college.
       - I turn 21 in March of 2011 and have always preferred to be able to legally drink at my wedding and my bachelorette party.
       - My dad also told my mother that he was ok with the wedding if we waited until 2011. This was before he really approved of my fiance and the engagement.

We are considering talking to my parents (because they are the ones who really need to approve) about moving the wedding to this coming summer. We both want to be married to each other and don't want to wait, that's the real reason we want to move the date. But we have also been talking about it because of financial aid for college. Being married would give me almost two times as much financial aid than being single and we would be able to go ahead and be married sooner.

I need advice on bringing the question up to my parents. We are considering not going on a major honeymoon until I graduate college as a honeymoon and graduation celebration. We are also going to go through pre-marital counseling through my church where we are considering getting married.

Should we not try to push the date closer? Are we rushing it too much? Or is it reasonable to want to get married sooner?

Thank you for any input, advice, or any other opinions that you will be able to give me!

[ And CONGRATULATIONS to all of you ]

danieliza1127 · November 2009

Personally, I think you're too young to get married. People change and grow a lot during these years, especially after you turn 21. I can see why your parents might not support the marriage at this point. I'm sure they want to see you finish college and I'm sure they have some concerns that if you get married now, you may end up getting pregnant too and then not finish school. It happens all the time, it's not unrealistic for them to worry.

From my own experience, I thought I would marry my college boyfriend too. We talked about it, he wanted to be a part of my family, everyone thought we would get married. Then my senior year of college, not long after I turned 21, we ended up breaking up. We just weren't growing in the same direction and didn't want the same things. I ended up meeting the guy that I did marry about 3 years later. Now I know it's different for everyone, and some people do marry young and are happy forever, but I'm just saying...you change a lot in those college years.

MNVegas · November 2009

Wait until 2011

KappaK · November 2009

Ditto PP. 20 is still quite young and while you may be 100% positive your FI is the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with, things change so much in your 20's. Don't be in a rush to get married. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement. You shouldn't push up your wedding date just to get more financial aid. If anything, you should wait until you have graduated from college.

Enjoy being engaged and the bliss that goes with it. Graduate from college, and THEN worry about planning a wedding. My advice would be to wait.

Anon I. Mouse · November 2009

I agree with the PP's. You are 19. A lot is going to change in the next 2, 5, 10 years. In ten years you will look back at your 19 year old self and be amazed at how young you were (and that is a GOOD thing!).

If your relationship really is strong enough to be "forever" and you two are "meant to be" or whatever you want to call it, it will be that way in 2011 as well. I recognize you want to be married to one another, but if you are going to be together forever, you have time. Marriage is work, and while it should not be "hard work", it is work and it is not going to be all rainbows and puppies particularly as you both grow over the years in many ways you cannot even imagine right now.

Why rush into it now - enjoy being young together and enjoy your relationship and engagement. Use this as time to REALLY get to know one another. This is difficult when there is still a lot to learn about yourselves too! Pre-marital counselling is a great idea, as I imagine there is a LOT of stuff that you have not talked about that you should before you get married (which is not a statement on your age alone, I am amazed at how many couples in general - whatever their age - have not discussed things like finances, children, sex, in-laws, and so on before getting engaged!).

Don't rush it just to rush it, especially not for reasons like getting extra financial aid. Wait until you are finished college/university.

pag41989 · November 2009

Me and FI are doing exactly what you are thinking about doing. We got engaged back in 2008 and we set a date for 2010. Me and FI both wanted to finish school first before we got married. FI graduates in three weeks and I should be finished in the spring. I agree with PP, me and FI will be engaged for almost two years when we get married, planning has been a fun process and we havent had to rush it since we have had so much time.

mwhitson14 · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_wedding-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:2301d3a5-59bc-4a49-8db1-d3a903c8dc6bPost:ab6d1412-712a-4f83-8b08-03d570066384">wedding date?</a>:
[QUOTE]I became engaged last week, although my fiance and I had talked about it and started planning before he actually proposed. We had a date set for 2011, because of specific reasons, but we are kind of thinking about trying to move it up a year for other reasons. Here are our reasons for waiting until 2011: - I am currently in my sophmore year of college and attenting community college applying to transfer to a four-year college this coming fall (2010). - I have always said that I wasn't going to get married until at least after my junior year of college. - [/QUOTE]

Which is good thinking, and in an even better world, until after graduation. My FI and I tried to get married before I got done with school, and we just decided we weren't financially ready.

[QUOTE]I turn 21 in March of 2011 and have always preferred to be able to legally drink at my wedding and my bachelorette party. [/QUOTE]

And your wedding, how embarassing would it be if you couldn't even have a congratulatory toast of champagne!

[QUOTE]- My /dad also told my mother that he was ok with the wedding if we waited until 2011. This was before he really approved of my fiance and the engagement.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that's a dad for ya. Making sure things are going to be ok and all that.

[QUOTE] We are considering talking to my parents (because they are the ones who really need to approve) about moving the wedding to this coming summer. We both want to be married to each other and don't want to wait, that's the real reason we want to move the date. But we have also been talking about it because of financial aid for college. Being married would give me almost two times as much financial aid than being single and we would be able to go ahead and be married sooner. [/QUOTE]

Have you actually talked to financial aid to see if this is the case? Financial aid depends on SO many factors, not just income.

[QUOTE]I need advice on bringing the question up to my parents. We are considering not going on a major honeymoon until I graduate college as a honeymoon and graduation celebration. We are also going to go through pre-marital counseling through my church where we are considering getting married. Should we not try to push the date closer? Are we rushing it too much? Or is it reasonable to want to get married sooner? Thank you for any input, advice, or any other opinions that you will be able to give me! :) [ And CONGRATULATIONS to all of you ]
Posted by lrw_bld[/QUOTE]

I vote wait, because we waited and by the time we get married, I'll be so thrilled to have it done, we'll be financially stable, and things won't be as stressful as if we had tried to get married before I graduated. Planning a wedding, working, attending school, it's all a lot to deal with (believe me, my hair is falling out from stress) and I promise you, you will want to wait.

I'm not going to be the one who says you may change and grow apart, because it may not happen. I started dating FI at 17, almost 18, and we are still together. We are one of the lucky ones that still have the same dreams and goals. So, it could happen, and if you truly are meant to be together, you still will be in a couple of years. Good luck.

terbear_86 · November 2009

I would think again about the financial aid thing. Truly--- it may not help. It WOULD help if you were an "independent" student and did not have to rely on including your parent's income. But maybe getting married will not be a good thing. Another thing to think about: Health Insurance. Not to pry, but I am assuming that as a student, you are still covered under your parent's plan. Getting married means you will not be eligible for their health insurance anymore, legally. So you and FI will have to have a plan in place for getting a health insurance plan. Not to mention that weddings are expensive, and you are talking about getting married before you even graduate college. You don't know what the job market will be at that point.

I am not trying to be a downer-- I am just trying to point out something else you and PP may not have noticed/thought about necessarily. I am only 23, but I am a single parent and have been for the last 4 years. I have also maintained a student status. And let me tell you-- the financial aid package is a help, yes---- but the HEALTH CARE is the HUGE deal. You may be healthy now, but all it takes is one illness, one klutzy broken bone, one car accident, to completely ruin your credit and your life.

If you two are truly meant to be together forever and get married, then enjoy each other and support each other through school, and by all means do the pre-marital counseling. It will prepare you for what is to come, and if together forever is forever, why can't you wait a year? Get the degree first.

JordanJamie1221 · December 2009

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

I am a junior in college (well, after these finals) and I have been engaged since December 30,2008. Almost a year. We had our original date set for May 22, 2010. However, after thinking hard about it and many tears, we pushed it back a year to May 21, 2011. I cried so hard, I had already done a lot of planning. I am 20, and FH is 22. He will be done with school in May 2011, and I will be done in December of 2011. It seems like FOREVER away, but I feel that it will be worth it. We need at lease one stable income in order to pay the bills. Currently I work part time at an apartment complex as a leasing agent and make about $1400/month. FH makes about $1000 a month. That's about 28,000 a year. Luckily, if we wanted to live in an apartment at my complex, we could get a 2 bedroom (we have lots of stuff!) for about $472 a month plus bills after my emp. discount. Let me give you an estimated breakdown of monthly living expenses for Oklahoma.

Apartment-$472
Electric-$80
Water-$20
Cable+Int-$80
Cell Phones-$80
Car insurance-$200
Health Insurance-$100
Gas for cars-$175/month
My car payment-$250

This equals about $1500/month give or take.
That would give us approximately $900 for miscellaneous/emergency money/groceries a month for the first year we were married (if we were to have married in May 2010).

That was cutting it too close. That would be an extra stress along with school. Luckily, we have people who pay for our tuition/books, and still would even if we were married.

So for us, it was about waiting unitl ONE of us is out of college, makiing a decent living. Then, I will grad in December of 11, and we will be a dual income family, hopefully netting approximately $5000 a month once we both graduate. That will make life MORE comfortable.

Again, I have no clue about your financial situation, I was just giving an example of mine.

Most importantly: DO NOT LET ANYONE tell you that you are too young. Age is a number. Nobody knows how mature and committed you are online. That's what bothers me. Just because someone changed from when they were 20 till they were 25, doesn't mean that you will, It's all an individual assessment. I have been with my FH for 3 years, and we have grown together and learned with eachother. Of course little tastes in things have changed, but our love, affection and commitment has not. If anything it has gotten stronger. The owner of one of the wedding boutiques in town who got married at 20, and hubby at 22 said "It's great to get married young because you get to experience so much together, learn and grow as one." My parents got married at 20, my FH parents got married at 18 and 20. 25 years later, my parents are still happily married. 22 years later, his are.

Don't let the age thing lead you the wrong way.

Just be practical.

PrincssGS · December 2009

I agree with most of these posts. First and foremost, I agree that you should wait. There is nothing wrong with waiting, and rushing into it for a reason as silly as more financial aid I feel is an ill planned decision. How long have you been dating? Are there issues besides your being 19 and wanting to get married that your parents are objecting to? You didn't mention his age so maybe that's a factor to your father? How are you going to pay for the wedding? Are your parents supportive enough that they are willing to do so? And if not, how will you afford both a wedding AND tuition?
IMO, your education should be first and foremost, as it is setting you up for the rest of your life. Getting married now, and possibly face the chance that you won't finish your degree, would be a huge dealbreaker for me. Every story is different, but I had a good friend in college that was maintaining a 3.8GPA, got married, and ended up dropping out of school because they couldn't afford it (housing, insurance, etc, etc, etc, etc). Honestly, at 19 years old (I'm 26 now), I never realized how expensive it was to be out of my own until I had to start paying all of my own bills. You can spend this time to get to know each other that much better. And really, how much fun will it be to talk late into the night about how great it will be once you get married, and once it happens, also have your degrees and income and be ready to start the rest of your lives together...on what you know is a very strong foundation?!

After all the blablabla...I say wait! it will be totally worth it in the long run

ScissortailFlycatcher · December 2009

I agreee with JordanJamie, don't let people tell you your too young.

I met my boyfriend at 16, and we are still going strong. We are also waiting until I've finished school. So, I know where you're coming from.

Only you know what your are capable of affording and handling. But, there is nothing wrong with getting married now if you are capable of doing so, and there is nothing wrong with a long engagement. : )

Good luck!

Krysten110 · December 2009

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I know your situation. If you think you are ready to get married then do it.

In regards to talking to your parents try to think about the rational reasons as to why it would help to get married sooner rather than later. My parents listen to money and that's about it. If you explain to them the different reasons why it makes sense they might respond better. However, they may suggest you doing a civil ceremony at a town hall and holding off on a big wedding until 2011. Which might be a way you can convince them too. Sign paperwork now and celebrate in a year. I would leave out the "But I am soooo in love with him" and "I don't want to have to wait to be his wife" . Stick with the facts and leave out the emotions!

Anon I. Mouse · December 2009

"Just because someone changed from when they were 20 till they were 25, doesn't mean that you will, It's all an individual assessment."

This quote makes it sound as if changing is a bad thing. It is isn't. I should HOPE that you change all through your life. especially from 20 to 25. It is biological fact that your brain is still developing until around 25 (this is not an individual thing, this is something that applies across the board), and with that comes a lot of change including maturity (that whole "I am mature for my age" thing just does not fly....everyone says that!).

You will change. Your partner will change. You are both individuals, and you should continue to grow as, and respect one another, as individuals throughout your relationship. You may be in relationship together, but you are not "one person" even if that seems like it would be incredibly romantic to be, it tends to lead to a lot of troubles down the road. You should each be proud to be individuals. As individuals you may find that you can continue to have a relationship together, or not. Who knows. Time will tell.

The reason people often make comments on young marriage is that because OFTEN (not always) those who are marrying young are still very unaware of how much growth there will be over the years (it's something that really is only understood years later) and of who they really are as individuals (also hard to understand the meaning of this until down the road) and they are often clinging to romantic ideals of marriage and relationship (such as "they complete me"). I am amazed how often younger couples marry while still wrapped in a romantic fantasy, and barely know one another (even if they have been together years) but then again they barely know themselves yet (this again does NOT apply to all young couples, and there are plenty of older couples who fit into this as well!).

There IS a reason that statistically speaking, marriages between individuals under 25 have a higher rate of divorce than those who are older. I don't imagine that those 80% who do get divorced in that age group thought as they were getting married that they were going to both change in dramatic ways and one day grow apart either. Generally speaking, those who are older often have gained some experiences with relationships, and other life experiences, and had some more personal development to know themselves as an identity outside of a partner. This individuation is a very healthy thing and enables healthier relationships mainly as they aren't looking at the other person to provide them with their identity or to "complete them" or be perfect, or whatever else. Of course, this does not mean they are divorce-proof, but it does mean they tend to have some more realistic views of relationships, and of themselves.

None of this is to say that those who marry young are destined for divorce. It is however to say that those marrying young do face some additional challenges and need to be prepared for those challenges both individually, and together. It is better to be aware of those challenges then deny them or pretend they do not exist. They do exist. Just as different challenges for older couples may exist.

So, when I caution people (young or old) about not rushing into marriage, it is because there is no need to rush when they have all the time in the world, and because sometimes slowing down allows both partners to enter into that marriage with a little more self-awareness and that can never be a bad thing - even if that self-awareness shows that maybe marriage is not the best idea after all.

tehyashima · December 2009

I would say wait. You never know whats going to happen. I was with a guy for over 5 years, engaged for 3 and we ended up breaking up. Not to say that you will break up or anything, but I chose to finish school before getting married. I know the financial aid is tempting but marrying just for the extra money isnt a good idea. Just wait, if you really love each other it will be worth the wait.

Good luck.

catcronley · December 2009

When everyone is raining on your parade it hurts, even when it's all well intentioned. So, I'm sorry to say I'm one more. I was married the first time at 20. Not to go ino the gory details, but wait another year or five.

mwhitson14 · December 2009

Oh yes. Insurance!!! I'm dealing with this right now. I am highly depressed about losing my parents health insurance, and FI doesn't have a job where he can get health coverage. So I've been doing a little bit of research (just started today) and for bare bones coverage (I'm talking, high deductible, high copays, etc) it's $90! That's an extra $180 a month that we hadn't even thought about. So, yeah. There's so much little stuff, and it really all adds up FAST. I'm SO glad we ended up waiting.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

I'm a firm believer that you should be able to drink at your own wedding.

FMIL told me and FI that she would NEVER recommend getting married as young as she did (19). Which isn't a problem, since we'll be 28 and 36 when we get married. More time couldn't hurt.

lrw_bld · December 2009

Thank you all so much! You all had some good things to consider.

agk0125 · December 2009

My honest opinion on this is that getting married during college is a WASTE of your youth. It's the time where you are supposed to be carefree, learning about yourself, and growing into an adult that will be released into the real world upon graduation. You have the rest of your life to be married. You only have a couple of years where you can be a student before all the realities that have already be mentioned by others kick in.

Just because you are legally able to doesn't mean you are ready to get married. You should wait until you are both done with school.

krisdoug13 · December 2009

Well first, congratulations on the engagemen! It's a very exciting time. Now, I agree with many of the other posts...I think you should wait. You are still young to be getting married. It's a life long committment and while you may feel that you are right for each other, as someone else has already said you still have a lot of growing to do. I think basing marriage on getting a bigger financial aid package is not right and I'm not sure where you got your information from (if you actually talked to your financial aid counselor) but I don't think it's entirely accurate. I've worked in financial aid, there are many factors that go into determining financial aid. Thinking that you'll get double because you are married is wrong; financial aid packages are determined for YOU, not for you and a signficant other and/or children. The school estimates what it costs the average student to attend school, so tuition, books, living expensives, etc. They do not figure living costs of others into the equation because, well, that's not the purpose of financial aid.

I also think that basing your decision on whether or not you can have alcohol at your wedding is not how you should make your decision. While I agree that you should be able to have a champagne toast there's more to it. It's the actual marriage that matters, not whether or not you were able to drink. Plus, if you decided to get married before you are of age there are alternatives, you could have sparkling grape juice instead.

Bottom line, I think you should wait. You have your whole lives ahead of you, what is the rush? Enjoy your college experience because you can't get it back! It goes by fast and soon enough you will be walking down that isle. Personally, I did a lot of growing in college, figuring out who I was; I think most people do because it's the first time you are actually out on your own. Good luck with whatever you decide!

mocha beans · December 2009

I'm going to echo everyone else and say I would really wait.

Look into everything first before making a decision. Talk to the financial aid officer, is it really going to help you or are you just speculating? And health insurance is HUGE. You may not think so, but even small things add up. FI had an inner ear infection that gave him wicked vertigo for a month. Besides being out of work for a month (can't do construction type work if you're gonna fall off a ladder), it would have cost us more than $5k for his ER trip and MRI (to make sure it wasn't a stroke) if he hadn't had insurance. And also having a job that provided short term disability helped immensely to pay the mortgage that month. Being without health insurance for as long as I was, a few years, was not a fun time, worrying about a car accident or random illness or breaking a bone. Nevermind being diagnosed with a long term illness such as diabetes when you don't have health insurance; if healthcare doesn't change, you'd probably never get that condition covered because it'll be preexisting when you would get insurance.

Also, life insurance. If you're going to be married, you will probably be responsible for any debts that you acquire in the marriage if one of you would die. Not that you have a house now, but it's something to seriously consider. Marriage means being responsible for yourself as well as the other person, so you need to make sure that those responsibilities are taken care of if a tragedy would occur.

I always say love is never, ever enough to make a marriage work. It's a lot of work, good work, but still work.

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