We Don't Want to Invite the Rude Long-term Girlfriend- is there any acceptable/polite way to do this

nefariousmango · December 2009

My good friend is going to officiate our wedding for us. He was there for me when I was in the hospital on and off for almost a year, he took my grandmother to dinner once a week after grampa died to help my family keep her from having to be alone, and he's just an all-around thoughtful, dependable guy when it comes to the important things. I'll call him DC.

What sucks is, DC has an addiction to vapid, whiny girls. Luckily for us, they're usually hook-ups and nothing more. However, this most recent girl has stuck around long enough to become a problem for us. Whenever she comes out with us she spends the entire time complaining about how much she hates whatever we're doing. We've all gone out of our way to make her fell welcome and get to know her- we know it can be hard to enter a tight-knit group of friends- but she continues to ignore us unless DC is standing right there and asks a question that requires her to respond in our general direction.

At a very formal, religious wedding we were invited to this summer, she showed up wearing a mini dress that couldn't simultaneously cover her boobs and her ass, and pulled a flask out of her purse during the ceremony! There was no alcohol at the wedding as per their religious restraints, and she had been told this numerous times! She even had the nerve to complain about the food to the bride and groom when they came to our table! I'm worried about a repeat performance at our wedding this coming summer, and they're nearing the once year mark so I don't think I can count on them breaking up before then. I know if I just talk to DC about it he'll understand, but I really feel bad not inviting his gf when all our other coupled friends are being invited along with their significant others. The difference is, they've all put an effort into being part of the group and so they're all our friends now, whereas DC's gf clearly couldn't care less about being friends with DC's friends. Plus, DC is such a good friend, we really want to make him happy!

What should we do???

agk0125 · December 2009

Sorry, unless they break up you have to invite her. No way around it.

[Deleted User] · December 2009

Oh goodness, this is a tough one. Like you said, I'm sure if you share your concerns with DC, he'll be more than understanding-especially since she's made her behavior problems public. As hurtful as it may be, this is your day-and you don't want to regret inviting her to avoid hurt feelings and you end up being disappointed because she does something extremely rude or makes a scene at your wedding. I would also make sure that there's no way she just shows up on her own-knowing that you didn't want her there in the first place because that's a definite cause for a scene if she's obnoxious that way. Your best bet is still just to talk it over with your friend, I'm sure he'll understand...

lyndausvi · December 2009

If they are still together, just invite her.

What do you say is you decide not to invite her? "Hi friend, we really dislike your GF, so we are not inviting her okay? Great I knew you would understand"

Friend to GF: "Hi honey, my friends do not like you, so you are not invited to the wedding. But hey I'm going anyway. Because you know, their feelings are more important than your feeling are. Glad you understand"

While he might "understand". She won't. I would never put a friend in a position of choicing us over their SO. Which is exactly what would happen if you do not invite her. You might find he does not end up doing the wedding.

tmm140 · December 2009

You have to invite her if they are still together, if they are not you do not obviously. I invited people that I was necessarily in love with to the wedding because they were daiting someone I wanted at my wedding. If you don't invite her, I doubt your friend will be attending. I know I wouldn't.

[Deleted User] · December 2009

You have to invite her. That would be a really shitty thing to do to DC if you didn't. It sounds like he's gone out of his way to be a good friend to you, so the least you can do is put up with his douchebag girlfriend. Besides, if she acts like a beast, it will make her look stupid, not you.

brookelynpaisley · December 2009

You have to invite her. It would be rude to invite your friend/officiant without a date and you don't get to choose who the date is. It's unfortunate that it doesn't sound like she's got a lot of tact, but some people just don't. She's only going to make herself and her boyfriend look like dolts, not you. Honestly, you won't even notice her that much. People showed up to my wedding in jeans, and I didn't realize it until I saw pictures. You will have many more important things to worry about that day. Be a gracious hostess and hope that your friend either dumps the girl between now and then, or she gets a lesson in class.

LesPaul · December 2009

You have to invite her if they are still together. You don't get to choose your friends' dates for your wedding. Just ignore her - she's been around long enough for all your other friends to know what she's like (and they will probably ignore her too). Her clothing and behavior are a reflection on her, not you. Don't make a big deal out of it.

arixana · December 2009

If you want DC to come, which it sounds like that is important to you, you'll have to accept his girlfriend as part of the package.

Besides, unfortunately you'll not be able to control all the guests' behaviour, and something is bound to happen, some other guest will do something less than appropriate.

As others have said, her behaviour is not a reflection on you.
I would be the bigger person and invite. DC is special to you, so you want to ensure he is comfortable at your wedding.

Enjoy your day!

Sheri Ruth · December 2009

You invite her. You will hardly know she is there - it sounds like she is more guilty of bad taste and poor manners than any real insanity type of drama.

Just invite DC "and guest". Maybe she'll be busy that day.

noelle24 · December 2009

[QUOTE] this is your day-and you don't want to regret inviting her to avoid hurt feelings and you end up being disappointed because she does something extremely rude or makes a scene at your wedding. I would also make sure that there's no way she just shows up on her own-knowing that you didn't want her there in the first place because that's a definite cause for a scene if she's obnoxious that way. Your best bet is still just to talk it over with your friend, I'm sure he'll understand...
Posted by FJL10[/QUOTE]

No. Just... NO. You must invite both parts of a couple to a wedding. It is very rude to do otherwise.

Now, considering that DC is your particular friend and is officiating your wedding, I think you can go to extra lengths to tolerate his GF.

As others have pointed out, you will be making your friend choose between you and his GF. It's not a nice position to put him in just so you can have "your day".

You will be ecstatic that you are married, and if she acts inappropriately, it only reflects badly on her. It will only ruin your wedding if you LET it.

saisongbird · December 2009

You have to invite her. They are a social unit. As per your own wordng, she is a long-term girlfriend. Either they get invited together, or no one gets invited.

Of course, if you wanted to be sneaky, you could invite him as D.C. and guest and hope he doesn't bring her. But then, you must be prepared for her to b*tch you out as to why she wasn't invited directly on the invite - my FI and I were invited to a wedding of one of his cousins as "FI and guest" with just my FI's name on the inner envelope. We had been engaged for a month at that point and had been living together for 9. I was LIVID...

Just be prepared for the consequences if you choose go to that route.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

There is a distict possibility that the dislike is mutual, and even if you do invite her, she will decide not to attend because she doesn't like you.

nefariousmango · December 2009

SarahPLiz- I hope you're right! It would make me quite happy if she hated us enough to just boycott the wedding!

To clarify the how the hell could I ask DC to not bring her without making hime choose between her and his freinds: He has acknoledged that she is a boob to us and really doesn't want to get to know us. As such, I'm sure if we told him that we're trying to keep the wedding really small to stay on budget (which is true) so we're only inviting plus-ones who we know really well and feel like they will appriciate the invite, he'll either tell us flat out that he thinks GF would appriciate the invite and is trying her best to be freindly (which may or may not be true, but whatev) and then we'd put her name along with his on the invitation... OR he'll say, yeah, my GF doensn't know anyone all that well and she'll be fine with skipping the event, and we'll put "plus one" on the invite and he can make the final call after talking to her.

mocha beans · December 2009

Yeah, you have to invite her. I would be pretty upset if FI was invited to a wedding and I was expressly NOT invited. It will also put DC in the uncomfortable position of having to choose between you and his GF, which while you will hope he chooses you as he's the officiant, I imagine she can and would make his life pretty miserable for choosing you. It will suck for you to be out an officiant if he bails.

You will have more than a few other things to do to keep you occupied, so you probably won't have to deal with her much.

I know how you feel though, we have a friend who sounds like DC, and had a completely vapid whoore for a girlfriend for over a year. Trying to make nice and be social around her was excruciating, but the best thing to do is smile and make nice as best you can. Otherwise you risk losing your friend.

redheadfsu · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_dont-want-invite-rude-long-term-girlfriend-there-acceptablepolite-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:e087e646-2630-4de0-8902-d941ca61055bPost:6c439dec-3d65-4a73-a412-603852c159c6">Re: We Don't Want to Invite the Rude Long-term Girlfriend- is there any acceptable/polite way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE] As hurtful as it may be, this is your day-and you don't want to regret inviting her to avoid hurt feelings and you end up being disappointed because she does something extremely rude or makes a scene at your wedding. I would also make sure that there's no way she just shows up on her own-knowing that you didn't want her there in the first place because that's a definite cause for a scene if she's obnoxious that way. Your best bet is still just to talk it over with your friend, I'm sure he'll understand...
Posted by FJL10[/QUOTE]

NO. I hate the "it is your day" crap. This is very bad advice. You will destroy friendships if you follow this mindset.

You must invite any SO. Even if you hate them, couples are social units. If you only invite half, both of them will hold grudges and the friendship may end. How would you feel if your FI was invited to a wedding but you weren't?

brookelynpaisley · December 2009

[QUOTE] As such, I'm sure if we told him that we're trying to keep the wedding really small to stay on budget (which is true) so we're only inviting plus-ones who we know really well and feel like they will appriciate the invite[/QUOTE]

This isn't really very cool of you either. There are considerations that have to be made about social units. People in long-term relationships, living together, etc. are a social unit and should be invited together. I certainly hope you wouldn't be leaving out someone's girlfriend of 4 years just because you don't know her "really well" or whatever that junk is you said about appreciating the invite (you can't begin to make that assumption). You need to invite couples together. Make room in that budget of yours. I'm sorry you don't like the girlfriend, but you're going to need to get over it. It may be your wedding day, but your reception (the expensive part with the budget you're concerned with) is about thanking people for celebrating with you, and you should be making them comfortable (i.e. inviting their significant others to enjoy it with them).

lyndausvi · December 2009

I still would not bring it up. Why make any cause potential drama for your friend? Not only that it's just awkward.

We had a woman like you are describing at our wedding. We love her SO so much we just deal with her. It never once occured to us not to invite her. They are package deal.

Also think about how you would feel if your SO of 18 months tells you are not invited to a wedding but he is? I would be pissed. My DH would have been also. He would not attend either. Our relationship is more important that his friends liking me.

[Deleted User] · December 2009

Why would you put him in the position to have to tell you that he wants you to invite her? From what it sounds like, he is an awesome friend and will give in just because of that even if he does want her there. What you are trying to do is wrong. Etiquette wise, it's wrong. Friendship wise, it's even more wrong. Just get over it and invite her. It won't even matter in the long run.

redheadfsu · December 2009

OP-

No matter how you word it is still rude to ask your friend if you should invite his girlfriend. You should not be even asking the question. Sorry, in situtations like this you have to be the bigger person.

nefariousmango · December 2009

Thanks guys, I know it's rude, I just wanted to hear it from other people! Three people in our social group have come up to me and asked if I have to invite her, two have suggested that I just tell him how I feel, so I was getting into the "maybe I don't need to tolerate her" mindset.

A couple years ago, FI was invited to a wedding and I was SPECIFICALLY asked, by the groom, to not come because the bride was afraid of me. It was incredably hurtful and I would never want to make anyone else feel the way I did. Of course, this was a bride who was in and out of mental hospitals and has no female friends because she thinks all women are out to get her... and even understanding that, and appriciating that my FI is a good enough person to be there for the groom when his now-wife goes off the deep end, I was pissed.

Hopefully, they'll break up soon. Otherwise, I'll make room for her at the BP table :-) DC is WAY too dear to us to hurt.

nefariousmango · December 2009

Oh, and we'd been together for nearly four years at that point, and living together for over a year. I don;t think there was any question about our being a couple.

squirrly · December 2009

You've got to invite her. No way around it other than them breaking up or her being in jail.

Under all other circumstances, I would say you'd never notice her at the reception, etc., but if she's sitting at the BP table, that's going to be hard to avoid. This might be the one case where a head table without SOs is warranted. Or, no head table at all. Do a sweetheart table, and seat her elsewhere. You have to invite her, but I don't think you have to subject yourself to her during dinner.

wednesday51 · December 2009

If this guy was a true friend and as good of a guy as you make him sound he would not date such a royal asshole and let her ruin your wedding. I would either tell him to keep her ass in check or she can stay home.

I'm sorry, but you all need to grow a pair. The behavior you listed is completely UNACCEPTABLE (you want to really have a discussion about manners?!!!) I would not invite her to any social event I was hosting, much less my wedding. If your friend understands she is a BITCH then he would either dump her, keep her in line, or make her stay home. F*** buddy is one thing, long-term, serious girlfriend is another.

Hire a BOUNCER.

squirrly · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_dont-want-invite-rude-long-term-girlfriend-there-acceptablepolite-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:e087e646-2630-4de0-8902-d941ca61055bPost:6abd4294-2b9c-48a5-81c0-d5fe9767f740">Re: We Don't Want to Invite the Rude Long-term Girlfriend- is there any acceptable/polite way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]If this guy was a true friend and as good of a guy as you make him sound he would not date such a royal asshole and let her ruin your wedding. I would either tell him to keep her ass in check or she can stay home. I'm sorry, but you all need to grow a pair. The behavior you listed is completely UNACCEPTABLE (you want to really have a discussion about manners?!!!) I would not invite her to any social event I was hosting, much less my wedding. If your friend understands she is a BITCH then he would either dump her, keep her in line, or make her stay home. F*** buddy is one thing, long-term, serious girlfriend is another. Hire a BOUNCER.
Posted by wednesday51[/QUOTE]

Really, you think his quality of friendship to the OP can be measured by who he dates? If he were a great friend he'd break up with his gf because the OP doesn't like her? That's absurd.

You get to pick your friends. You don't get to pick their SOs. If his gf is absolutely unbearable, the only choice the OP has is to find a new officiant and not invite her friend to the wedding.

When dealing with a rude, difficult person, the best method is rarely to be ruder and more difficult than they are - and that's exactly what not inviting her would do. This is a case of "suck it up," not "hire a bouncer." OP is completely within her right to seat the gf at a table in the back corner with any other objectionable guests (assuming she's doing a head table where SOs don't sit with the BP). But that's about the sum total of it.

moshi's paw · December 2009

so remember how you felt because you weren't invited to that wedding, and you eventually excused it on the fact that the bride was mental? well, put her in your shoes. she'll think that you're mental, and since she is KNOWN to make a scene she'll use that snub as kerosene. if DC is that dear to you, and has CLEARLY gone out of his way to make you and your family and friends feel loved, you can do that for him for 6 hours. if it is your day, in the non-princessy-bridezilla meaning, her presence won't rock your day at all unless you specifically allow her to grind your gears.

nefariousmango · December 2009

Moshie- I agree, 100%. Although the other bride in my story is truly not "all there" and DC's GF is, at least, mentally sound, I don't want to be an entitled bridezilla over something I hopefully won't even notice!

Wednesday- WTF? I'm not worried about her causing a scene because she's carzy or she's pissed, she just doesn't have any manners and can be extremely narcissistic, whiny, and rude. We were both raised to always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Acting bitchy around her because she's a bitch wouldn't solve anything! I guess I'm just frustrated that being nice to her isn't making her treat us nicer, but that's how the world works and we all need to do our best to not get upset over stuff that really doesn't matter.

janedoe1113a · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_dont-want-invite-rude-long-term-girlfriend-there-acceptablepolite-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:e087e646-2630-4de0-8902-d941ca61055bPost:6abd4294-2b9c-48a5-81c0-d5fe9767f740">Re: We Don't Want to Invite the Rude Long-term Girlfriend- is there any acceptable/polite way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]If this guy was a true friend and as good of a guy as you make him sound he would not date such a royal asshole and let her ruin your wedding. I would either tell him to keep her ass in check or she can stay home. I'm sorry, but you all need to grow a pair. The behavior you listed is completely UNACCEPTABLE (you want to really have a discussion about manners?!!!) I would not invite her to any social event I was hosting, much less my wedding. If your friend understands she is a BITCH then he would either dump her, keep her in line, or make her stay home. F*** buddy is one thing, long-term, serious girlfriend is another. Hire a BOUNCER.
Posted by wednesday51[/QUOTE]

Umm...wtf? I didn't know the quality of friends depended on who they date. And you sound like a sexist asshole by saying "he needs to keep her in line".

agk0125 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_dont-want-invite-rude-long-term-girlfriend-there-acceptablepolite-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:e087e646-2630-4de0-8902-d941ca61055bPost:6abd4294-2b9c-48a5-81c0-d5fe9767f740">Re: We Don't Want to Invite the Rude Long-term Girlfriend- is there any acceptable/polite way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]If this guy was a true friend and as good of a guy as you make him sound he would not date such a royal asshole and let her ruin your wedding. I would either <strong>tell him to keep her ass in check</strong> or she can stay home. I'm sorry, but you all need to grow a pair. The behavior you listed is completely UNACCEPTABLE (you want to really have a discussion about manners?!!!) I would not invite her to any social event I was hosting, much less my wedding. If your friend understands she is a BITCH then he would either dump her, <strong>keep her in line, or make her stay home.</strong> F*** buddy is one thing, long-term, serious girlfriend is another. Hire a BOUNCER.
Posted by wednesday51[/QUOTE]

Your words have offended me much more than the actions of the girlfriend in question. How, as a woman, can you say such terribly dated and sexist things? Wow.

agk0125 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_dont-want-invite-rude-long-term-girlfriend-there-acceptablepolite-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:e087e646-2630-4de0-8902-d941ca61055bPost:f8b467c2-0b83-40ef-b70b-54dcbff51b19">Re: We Don't Want to Invite the Rude Long-term Girlfriend- is there any acceptable/polite way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE] As such, I'm sure if we told him that we're trying to keep the wedding really small to stay on budget (which is true) so we're only inviting plus-ones who we know really well and feel like they will appriciate the invite[/QUOTE]

This is incredibly rude of you to even consider doing.This isn't My Super Sweet Sixteen where only the popular kids get invites and the nerds don't get to come. You're an adult throwing a party for adults, which means you invite social units regardless of whether or not you know them or even like them.

lyndausvi · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_dont-want-invite-rude-long-term-girlfriend-there-acceptablepolite-way-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:e087e646-2630-4de0-8902-d941ca61055bPost:6abd4294-2b9c-48a5-81c0-d5fe9767f740">Re: We Don't Want to Invite the Rude Long-term Girlfriend- is there any acceptable/polite way to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]If this guy was a true friend and as good of a guy as you make him sound he would not date such a royal asshole and let her ruin your wedding. I would either tell him to keep her ass in check or she can stay home. I'm sorry, but you all need to grow a pair. The behavior you listed is completely UNACCEPTABLE (you want to really have a discussion about manners?!!!) I would not invite her to any social event I was hosting, much less my wedding. If your friend understands she is a BITCH then he would either dump her, keep her in line, or make her stay home. F*** buddy is one thing, long-term, serious girlfriend is another. Hire a BOUNCER.
Posted by wednesday51[/QUOTE]

I think someone is cranky.

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