How to make son part of ceremony?

farmtowngirl · May 2010

I am getting married aug 27th, 2011 and this is my second and my FI first. My son is 9 years old and his "real" father does not and see him since he was a baby. My FI has stepped up and really became his dad and he wants to make him part of the ceremony. So I guess my question is I am looking for ideas on how to make him feel special and that we are becoming a family. Thanks in advance.

Amomtomanyluvs · May 2010

for me and my kids, and soon to be step son...we are all going to say a family vow. like we will have us say we as step parents promise to love and treasure our step kids as our own, and our step children will love and treat us the way they treat their real parents etc. you could also do sand ceremony to include him etc. or make him a groomsmen or something....

handfast4me · May 2010

There are family vows that some ladies use, but I'm not crazy about them, as I believe that the wedding ceremony (like the marriage) should only be between consenting adults. The vows with children seem a bit creepy to me, they cross a line into some religions that I really have issues with.

There are medallion ceremonies, but I'm not sure a 9 year old would appreciate a necklace.

The most touching thing I've seen is just after the regular ceremony, the officiant took a moment to bless the entire blended family. Very sweet, and loving.

ohwhynot · May 2010

My kids cannot vow to brush their teeth every day, much less enter into any type of marital or family vow; I find those completely inappropriate. My children are in the wedding as flower girl and ring bearer. The vows are between my fi and myself - we are the ones getting married, not them.

I can see having the adults make a vow to the children, perhaps, but asking a child to make a vow as to how he or she will treat the stepparent or view the marriage? I think that's really, really inappropriate.

MikesAngie · May 2010

My "step" daughter is getting a ring from me with a a very simple promise that I will love and respect her as though she were my own, it's mother-daughter bonding, and there are no vows. The FI's daughter choose the ring, as it was my birthstone ring, she was given options about her gift for that day. She does not have a bonded relationship with her mother. We are also doing a family sand ceremony. It was important to the FI and me that we include his daughter even though our wedding will occur just days before her 18th birthday.

Both the ring and the sand ceremony are at the end of our husband and wife ceremony to also signify that our relationship stands alone and our vows are between us, but our lives are enriched by our relationship as a family. All of which was very important to us.

Our ceremony will be a celebration of our love, our family and our extended family, and will be very secular.

farmtowngirl · May 2010

I agree with the vow...I think that should be between my FI and myself, but I like the idea of the sand ceremony. My son is also walking me down the isle.

melissamc2 · May 2010

Honestly - we're not "involving" the kids in the ceremony at all, other than dressing them up wonderfully and showing them a great time.

My fiance has definitely taken on parenting responsibilities, they all get along fanastically, and we are undoubtedly a "family," - but this is a wedding between he and I. We are vowing our love, fidelity, and commitment to one another as a couple. If we hadn't already gotten through the part of commiting ourselves, and our relationship, to the kids...well, we wouldn't even be AT the altar.

The kids aren't marrying anyone, therefore they don't need to be involved in a marriage ceremony. I feel we have many more appropriate ways to show them how much we love them. That's just my take on it. (I also don't expect them to involve us in their marriages when the time comes. I think the parent/child relationship is very separate from the husband/wife relationship.)

sweetie0228 · May 2010

We are having a sand ceremony and FI is giving my DS a Pocket Watch and my DD either a necklace or bracelet.
They are both in the wedding party and dressing up.

thealphabride · May 2010

I respect everyone's choices of how to involve their children in the wedding.

We have a different situation and view things differently -our boys are a bit older. Mine is 14, his 16.

The boys are very involved with their other parents and so for me to step up and try to be a "mom" to my fiance's son just doesn't fit us. So for us to do any kind of vow is just out of the question.

His mom is a good mother, she takes good care of him and he's adjusted to the divorce well. She is relatively low drama. I make sure we don't run into each other, and I don't horn in on Kyle's time with his dad, and I haven't for 6 years, and I think that was her concern.
I did not try to involve myself in parenting him in any way as he has a mom and a dad and they take care of all the parenting. I waited until he was comfortable with me and waited for him to come to me to give affection, and after about 5 years it finally happened. He gives me hugs hello and goodbye now.

Our goal is to set a good example to both the boys, to model a good relationship for them. When we marry his son will be a senior in high school.

I have a wonderful relationship with his son and we care deeply for each other but not in a step mom step son kinda way. I'm dad's love, I take care of dad, and for that he loves me dearly.

My son adores his father and states over and over, he will still see his dad. He's kinda insecure that us getting married means he wont see dad. I assure him over and over he will see his father as much as he wants to as it has always been.

My fiance is ready to step up to the plate and help me with my son. My son needs serious modeling of what a real man is. His dad has taught him a real man doesn't do dishes or women's work, among a whole host of other neandrethal (spelling?)
back woods low class bull$hit.

So, our boys will be standing up with the groom and that is all, because personally the marriage is between us as a couple and ultimatly the result of the marriage will be very good for them, but we feel it is just between us as a couple.

HOWEVER, I have the honor of walking down the isle on my handsome son's arm.

ANNNNNND the best thing about the whole blending is that each of the boys is an only child and each of them is very very excited to have a brother. They get along great.

arv266 · May 2010

My son, who will be 10 by the time we get married, will be walking me down the aisle. He is supppppppppper excited about his role and supppppppppper excited about wearing a tux (he thiks its very james bond!) My daugther (12) will be my MOH, my SD who is 21 a BM, and my SS who is 19 will stand with his dad. We've included all of them, but I agree that our marriage is about our commitment to each other.

Marrin713 · May 2010

My son is 27 and I'll be happy if he just makes it to the ceremony. He has promised tho to make a brief toast at the celebration.

I agree with those who wrote that the vows and the ceremony itself is betw the couple.

Amomtomanyluvs · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_son-part-of-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:09cf8242-7b3e-43b2-9169-182b49ba026cPost:16e18c63-f60f-4b59-b764-7da027682ef7">Re: How to make son part of ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]My kids cannot vow to brush their teeth every day, much less enter into any type of marital or family vow; I find those completely inappropriate. My children are in the wedding as flower girl and ring bearer. The vows are between my fi and myself - we are the ones getting married, not them. I can see having the adults make a vow to the children, perhaps, but asking a child to make a vow as to how he or she will treat the stepparent or view the marriage? I think that's really, really inappropriate.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
i dont think its inappropriate at all...i think a child who wants to be a part of the wedding and wants to say vows (like my daughter) i think it is a wonderful thing. all she will be saying is that she vows to love her step father and treat him with respect...what is wrong or inappropriate to that? it is fine for people not to want to do that or to include their children....do i think its wrong? no? for me its not just marrying my spouse...its taking in my step child and vowing to treat him like he is my own...thats part of what a marriage to my new spouse will be...and same to my spouse...he is vowing to take me as his wife and my children as his own...treat them as his own...this marriage is not about just us. its about blending a family...if it was his kids entering into the marriage, or we had no kids...then it would be different. some people have different views on their wedding...thats fine. but this is what works for some people...including myself. and yes we did ask the kids before deciding to get married...if the kids did not love my spouse to be...i would not marry him

MikesAngie · May 2010

Beccabot4, thank you for your post!

We all need to remember that just as we are creating our special day our way, there aren't any steadfast right or wrong ways to integrate children into their new blended family.

All of our situations are different, some have absentee parents so this union does create two parents that are hopefully willing and able to love and care for all the children involved as though they were their own and bring a sense of unity to the home. Some have very active parents and are content to love the step-parent as a dear friend. I believe that it's up to the family to decide how to best celebrate the day and the union and the blending of family.

We have seen a variety of examples of what works for each blending, and they are all as unique as the situations and familes.

I hope we have been able to give farmtown some decent examples from which to create her own unique way of integrating her son into his new family.

farmtowngirl · May 2010

Yes you have all given me many examples. I think i am going to keep it to my son walking me down the aisle and we are going to do the sand ceremony. I agree we all have our own ideas of what is right for our family. I think if my son's "real" father was part of his life it might be different. My FI also is going to adopt my son after we are married. So I think that is also why I want to include him. Since for his whole life it has been him and me, I want to make sure he feels part of it.

TeresaB2011 · May 2010

This is my second marriage but first wedding. My oldest son is 30, hopefully he will be walking me down the isle. My daughter is 25 and she is in the wedding and my youngest son is 11, he will be standing up with us also.

My youngest will be a great part of the wedding (our choice) he also helped my FH propose to me so for me, I want him as part of our ceremony. Not sure how exactly yet, but we are working on it.

jeplion · May 2010

This is my second marriage and my fiance's first. I have a 6 yr old little boy. He cannot wait for mommy to get married to him. He loves him dearly. I have decided to let my lil guy walk me down the aisle. after all, he is the one actualy "giving me away." He has been the most important thing in my life, and I feel it is important to show him how much he means to us, and glad to have his approval. I would never marry again if he didn't like the man I was with.

saorisenyl · May 2010

My son is 17 and he's going to walk me down the aisle

How to make son part of ceremony?

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