Wedding dress shopping etiquette

Sheri917 · October 2010

Just wondering? My daughter is getting married and I would like to shop with her for her wedding dress, just her and I, the first time out. It's very special to me that she is getting married and I just wanted some individual time with my daughter. She on the other hand wants to invite her future mother-in-law, with whom she lives with for the next year now, and her maid, and her bridesmaids, and her father. I asked her if we could go the 1st time alone, and then they could come the 2nd or 3rd time, or when she has selected the dress, and then when it's time for shopping for the girs they could see the her dress. She has already planned alot with her future MIL cause she lives with her and I miss out because I'm an hour away. They already had viewed a venue w/o me or her dad, but of course the inlaws went. And at first she wanted me to be the maid, but after thought was, well then you wont be able to do all the "mother" things. Well so far my "mother" thing has been shut out. What is left?

[Deleted User] · October 2010

I think you need to talk to your daughter about how you feel. I think your daughter is the one that is being unreasonable bc one hour away is not that big of a deal IMO. I think your idea for going the first time alone with your daughter is a great and perfect idea. This is what my Mom and I did the first time around. I also think that what your daughter has in mind is WAY too many people to go shopping with her. The first time can be a bit overwhelming, esp if you go to several places in one day. Most places require appt's, so I don't recommend making more than a couple in a single day. Second of all, my father had no interest in going with us. He would have rathered stayed home and watched tv or done something around the house.

Good Luck. I hope you can talk some sense into your daughter bc you are right, it is a special experience between mother and daughter at least the first time around. You only get married once and those memories stay with you.

tlbattaglia · October 2010

She does get to choose who goes. However, if it is very important to you, I would tell her that. I was begging my mom to make an effort to do the dress thing with me. She showed no interest, and actually recently sent me a check and sent me on my way to look alone. If my mom would've expressed the slightest bit of interest in looking with me I would've been all for it. I hope once you explain to her how you feel she will agree to go alone with you the first time.

frogurt814 · October 2010

I don't think it's unreasonable that you want to go dress shopping with your daughter, just the two of you, the first time. I only had my mom come with me the first time I tried on dresses because I didn't want to drag a bunch of people around with me from store to store. I decided on a store the first time out.

I think you need to talk with your daughter and express your feelings about being left out. However, the decision is ultimately hers and there's not much you can do about it. Sorry.

gottahavashorti · October 2010

That sounds like a huge crowd for dress shopping. It's ultimately up to her, but it would probably be easiest for her to take you and her dad on one trip, FMIL on another, and WP on another. If she does try to take everyone at once, she'll probably realize it's a pain and cut down to bringing only a couple people with her on the second trip.

alithebride · October 2010

i can understand your need to have this be a special time BUT it's HER time, not yours and she has every right to plan it how she wants. Don't be one of 'those' moms please.
I agree-you as a mom aren't beign shut out-she's doing it how she wants to.
i disagree with above too-i wouldn't do any kind of 'warning' her about bringing too many people. let her do it how she wants to. keep out of it and do as she asks.
if you want special alone time why not do it another way? make a plan to go out once a month for lunch to discuss things for the wedding (or whatever) just you and her. that will give you the time you need and give her the space she needs to plan it the way she wants.

LizHZ · October 2010

How about calling or emailing her, saying you'd love to be more involved and spend more time with her, don't care about driving an hour or more, and asking what parts of the wedding planning she'd like you to participate in?

If she doesn't want you involved in the planning (as long as you're not paying for this wedding, I hope!) start taking her out or having her over for dinner more often and being her escape from everything wedding.

& I don't think you can tell her this, but after gown shopping with a ton of people she's going to figure out quickly that she won't want to do it again... Say Yes To The Dress & Girl Meets Gown are good things to watch : )

tldh · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-dress-shopping-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:d25298ca-f50d-4bf3-9ecd-30bb8864d3d0Post:fab10d4d-9f76-4064-ae53-89472f360ce6">Re: Wedding dress shopping etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to talk to your daughter about how you feel. I think your daughter is the one that is being unreasonable bc one hour away is not that big of a deal IMO. I think your idea for going the first time alone with your daughter is a great and perfect idea. This is what my Mom and I did the first time around. I also think that what your daughter has in mind is WAY too many people to go shopping with her. The first time can be a bit overwhelming, esp if you go to several places in one day. Most places require appt's, so I don't recommend making more than a couple in a single day. Second of all, my father had no interest in going with us. He would have rathered stayed home and watched tv or done something around the house. Good Luck. I hope you can talk some sense into your daughter bc you are right, it is a special experience between mother and daughter at least the first time around. You only get married once and those memories stay with you.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

This exactly!!!

Also, you may want to post your question on the Moms & Maids board

karmellah · October 2010

i can understand but you have to understand the MIL is her MIL. Mother. mother things involve her too. My mom and stepmom are both coming to mine. theyre both my mothers.

tldh · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-dress-shopping-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:d25298ca-f50d-4bf3-9ecd-30bb8864d3d0Post:576b006d-383c-4682-b84e-5f2493fa0203">Re: Wedding dress shopping etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]i can understand but you have to understand the MIL is her MIL. Mother. mother things involve her too. My mom and stepmom are both coming to mine. theyre both my mothers.
Posted by karmellah[/QUOTE]

MIL is not MOB. There is a difference.

OP - try talking to your daughter. Again, I'm going to suggest that you post this on the moms and maids board. It is frequented by a lot of MOBs and MOGs.

linguo42 · October 2010

I sympathize with you, I really do, but she's probably just really excited and wants everyone along to share the experience right away. When I found my dress, it was just my mom and I, which was nice, but I kind of wished my bridemaids (all of whom were living out of town) could have been there as well.

Can you take her out to lunch or something, just the two of you, before meeting up with the others to go dress shopping? Or go jewellery shopping together after she's decided on a dress?

KaylaSue19 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_wedding-dress-shopping-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:d25298ca-f50d-4bf3-9ecd-30bb8864d3d0Post:74e69b9f-d83f-4d8d-baa8-ddcb905b8331">Re: Wedding dress shopping etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding dress shopping etiquette : MIL is not MOB. There is a difference.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

I fully agree. I wish my mom had lived in the same state when I was dress shopping. I didn't ask either MIL or my step-mom to come with. I would have been uncomfortable for me for either one to be there to be to be honest.

OP- Talk to her, and let her know how you feel. In the end it is her choice but she might not really know that it's important to you. I had 2 BM's with me and that was fine, I love them both, but to have just my mom would have been a really nice experience.

botticelliangel6 · October 2010

I took my mom and two of my BM (the third lives out of state). I literally walked away with a dress the first day, so in your scenario everyone else would have been left out. My MOH was so excited about the dress, I can't imagine having left her out. If she is close with her FMIL she should be included also; I wish mine was actually interested in the fact that we are getting married. Tell your daughter that you feel left our and hurt that she hasn't been including you, but if she has the dream of you and the FMIL and the BMs all clustered around her in her dress, don't deprive her of that. Not to mention depriving the others that are excited about her wedding.

deb84 · October 2010

First of all I am very sorry that you are feeling this way.
Second I want you to think about your relationship with your daughter...are you close? Do you normally do a lot of things, just the two of you?
Third I want you to talk to your daughter about your feelings. Express to her that you understand that her FMIL and bridesmaids are important but that you really want this first shopping trip to be a special mother/daughter bonding experience.

I agree that is WAY too many people to take along on a first dress shopping experience. When I started I had NO IDEA what I was looking for or what looked good on my body. I went 5 different days. Here is who went:
Trip one: Mom, bridesmaid 2
Trip two: Sister (MOH), Sister-in-law, Sister-in-law, Bridesmaid 1 (This was too many)
Trip three: Mom
Trip four: Mom, Bridesmaid 1
Trip five (when I ordered my dress): Mom

The dress I ended up ordering was the very first dress I tried on on trip one. Only my mom has seen me in the dress in person (others have seen pictures) because Bridesmaid 2 was late to my appointment and missed me trying on the first dress.

Sometimes us brides get so caught up in the excitement of everything and wanting to share that excitement with as many people as possible that we forget that this is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime experience.

MrsG2B83 · October 2010

Oh! I feel for you. I had been looking forward to a mother-daughter dress shopping day forever. She passed in January (long before I was dress shopping) and I wished I could've had her with me.

Talk to her about how you feel. A lot of brides go dress shopping a lot (I went 5 times). Each one can have a different feel. Going with your girls is one thing but going with your mom/special person is.... special.

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