My grandma dilemma

Heatherjenna · October 2011

hello all,
It's been a bit of time since my last post. FI and I are having a backyard ceremony and reception at my parents house. We are having 65-70 people, mostly all family. My FI is out to both of her grandparents, and they have been very supportive and accepting. Her grandmother had a gay brother, so was quite used to the idea long before FI came around, and her other set of grandparents had experienced another gay granddaughter before FI came along, paving the way. On to me: I have one surviving grandparent. My grandmother is mid eighties and means the world to me. We have always had a special bond EXCEPT for when it comes to my sexuality. I am in the closet. My younger cousin told our grandma that she had a girlfriend and she reacted badly, saying it was a shame and that she hoped it was for attention. Hearing how she reacted, I am very unsure of coming out to my grandmother and inviting her to the wedding. It really breaks my heart because I know that I WANT her there as she is the single most person I look up to. I can just see the hurt on her face when I tell her that my "roommate" is actually my fiancée, whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with. My family is torn on what to do and in giving me advice. Half say I need to tell her, that the hurt would be more to have been kept in the dark, and the other half say she should just be kept in the dark, as "ignorance is bliss". My grandma has met my FI on several occasions, as my "roommate" and seems to like her quite a bit.

Any input is greatly appreciated. I feel like in my heart the "right" thing is to tell her....but the thought of her being so hurt is stopping me.

redheadtmk · October 2011

At 80 your grandma is nearing the end of her life. I think you need to decide which would be more painful for you...1. Not telling her who you really are and living with the stress/pain of hiding it from her but having a loving relationship and no memories of a falling out. 2. Telling her the truth, feeling good about being honest but her possibly not coming to terms leaving you with a strained relationship and some sad memories. At 80 she can easily live another 20 years or more so age might not really be relevant. I was in a similar situation with my grandmother when I was thinking about marrying someone my grandma would not have apporved of. In the end he was not the right person for me so it did not really matter however I did decide I would never hurt my grandma even if cost me physically/emotionally etc. At this point with so many conflicting responses from people, I would stop asking/discussing it with them. You should have a good idea of the pros/cons of each choice. You should sit down with your FI, have a discussion of those points and follow your heart. Good luck

K&J64 · October 2011

My advice is to tell her if she's such a big part of your life. I only have one surviving grandparent too, but she has Alzheimer's I can't even have a conversation with her anymore. She wasn't at our wedding, not because I'm gay, but because she's requires too much care and the the thing would have been too disorientating for her. My wife came out to her 80 something year old grandmother, an Italian Catholic, and she was at the wedding. Give her a chance to accept you for who you really are, and give yourself an opportunity to be honest. If it goes badly it's not about you hurting her, it's about her ability to love you without condition.

Heatherjenna · October 2011

Thanks both of you, you make good points. I'm off to mull it over some more... :-/

chrmun · October 2011

My $0.02 is that one thing that helps people to become more open to gay people is when they learn that people that they already know and love are gay.
There were a couple members of my family that were decidedly anti-gay before I came out. As they came to realize that gay people were not some sort of mythical creatures that lived far away, but actual people just like their brother, cousin, etc., they really changed their perspective.

Heatherjenna · October 2011

Very true. That's what I was hoping when my grandma learned about my younger cousin being in a lesbian relationship. Instead, my grandma has been very visibly shocked and disapproving, but then again she and my cousin don't have the relationship that she and I have. Le sigh

nicknuttnc · October 2011

I had to tell my great-aunt who is 88 yrs. old from an African- American deeply religious Baptist family. She is like my grandmother, which who passed telling me she knew what I was doing and for me to be happy with myself the way I was, and loves me to do death. She is so steeped in religion I was scared to death to tell her. She and other family members would talk about those "homosexuals" and the shame they bring on their families at every family reunion.
But i knew how my family gossiped and had to tell her what I was and who i was with. She had met my FI alot of times and thought she was just my bff. The day i told her she did alot of no and are you sure, but told me she still loved me very much. It took time but she will tell you happily " My niece is only 3 generations from slavery and is a good Christian, with agood job,, future wife and four children." She still don't really like to concept of me being a "homosexual", but she do love me being with a person who loves me and calls her Auntee Ruru!!!!!!!

Heatherjenna · October 2011

Wow thats really encouraging to hear, as i believe the root of my issue stems from her being deeply religeous. She sounds like a really awesoemly special person :)
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_grandma-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:44Discussion:acec17ae-8aa2-4738-a340-fb3d5c8400c2Post:79e15ee0-867b-4286-9080-83051a1f1f86">Re: My grandma dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]I had to tell my great-aunt who is 88 yrs. old from an African- American deeply religious Baptist family. She is like my grandmother, which who passed telling me she knew what I was doing and for me to be happy with myself the way I was, and loves me to do death. She is so steeped in religion I was scared to death to tell her. She and other family members would talk about those "homosexuals" and the shame they bring on their families at every family reunion. But i knew how my family gossiped and had to tell her what I was and who i was with. She had met my FI alot of times and thought she was just my bff. The day i told her she did alot of no and are you sure, but told me she still loved me very much. It took time but she will tell you happily " My niece is only 3 generations from slavery and is a good Christian, with agood job,, future wife and four children." She still don't really like to concept of me being a "homosexual", but she do love me being with a person who loves me and calls her Auntee Ruru!!!!!!!
Posted by nicknuttnc[/QUOTE]

beastlysexy · October 2011

Listen to your grandma and play it straight......

clasic1129 · October 2011

Bestly, stop trolling and get a life.

Heatherjenna, I have to think that if you and your grandma are close she will come to accept who you are. Who knows she may already have an inkling.
Your wedding is far enough in advance that she has a chance to possibly be mad for a little while, then get over it. Good luck to you!

2dBride · October 2011

Just what we need--a troll coming around when the "report" link is down!

angelmr2 · October 2011

I think you should tell her, you've already told us how much she means to you and that it would mean the world to have her with you on your special day.

I think you should start out by telling her these things, and express how much it would mean if she came, then explain your secret to her. There is a good chance that her reaction to your cousin was based on other circumstances - how old are you compared to your cousin? Maybe it really is just an attention thing. I know I have known people in the past who do things like that because they are seeking attention.

My father is gay, and his father was against it, he pretended to be straight to please his father (which is why I'm here). When his father died, he died not being at peace with who my dad was, and my dad never got to really sit down and be honest with his father. When my parents divorced my grandmother blamed my mom for the failed marriage, until she found out he was gay. It took her a little while to get used to it but it was better because now he visits her more and she's happy that he is happy.

I think ultimately that's all that our loved ones want, if you tell her now and she reacts poorly, just keep on her (dont throw it in her face, but invite her to dinner at your house, or go out with her and your fiance somewhere) she'll get used to the idea, especially if she already likes her!

Good luck!

carlaroxanne · October 2011

Hi there,

I had a similar dilemma. My suggestions to you would be to bring your partner around her often and have them get to know each other better before you break the news. Also, if she is the religious type, suggest her speaking to a bishop for direction and support. This is how my nan was able to deal with our relationship. Our wedding is in July and I think and hope that she would have had ample time to get passed the religious views on us and be happy for both of us and involve herself as much as she wants.

Hope this helps some!

Carla.

jacinda10 · October 2011

Had the same situation - including the overbearing input from family. It was too much. My Gramma is 85 but she's still really healthy so I told her because I'm 95% confident that she will be alive for my Aug 2012 wedding.

I wrote a letter - not exactly the best approach in terms of being personal, but it worked for me. Apparently my Grandma was SHOCKED (really - really? Blind is all I have to say). But since I sent the letter, she's seen my engagement ring and hasn't said anything nasty to my face.

TioTee · December 2011

I'm lucky I won't have a problem such as this. My family is very accepting of my partner, and we're both out to our families. Further, neither one of us have any grandparents to have to come out to. OK...that's enough this isn't about me.

However, I agree with telling your grandmother. You've implied that she and Fl seem to like other - that's a plus right there. I agree with carlaroxanne, have them spend more time together, even some time together without you present, that may help in the bonding process. Other than that, all you have to do is express your love for your grandmother, how much she means to you, and how happy her prescence in your life has made you.

Tell her, give her time to process, and I'm sure she will come around. She comes from a very different era, and it may be difficult for her to understand. All of her beliefs are being questioned. Love her, express how much you love Fl, and what Fl means to you, in your life.

It may not hurt to have her daughter, your mom, or someone she has some trust in there also. After all this is a family affair. Your grandma may need the support of others to help her understand what all of this means, and they can set an example of acceptance . You don't have to do this in a vacuume of fear. Cliche, yes, however this can be a wonderful expression of love for everyone involved. Don't miss this opportunity.

Good luck, and best wishes.

TioTee · December 2011

To beastlysexy:

That would be a sad decision. It's really too bad that you have that sentiment. It must be very difficult for you.

lulusl · December 2011

Hy I think that having 80+ she already has very strong iddeas and she grow up so different than all of us! Maybe you should just not tell her !!

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