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Wedding Etiquette Forum
DramaGeek
member
So, E, what do you think? (Got long, sorry)
This weekend I attended a wedding of a relative I see very rarely. Less than once a year, generally. We don't speak in between, either. By blood we're close, but obviously we do not have a close relationship. I mostly keep up with his doings via my grandma or my mom.
When I arrived at the wedding, I saw him and he already had his wedding ring on. I remarked on it and his dad said "well, technically they are already married..." So that's how I found out it was a wedding redo. You know me, I was irritated. Those don't sit well with me.
The story is that they "had" to get married two months ago. Her lease was up and it was time for them to find a place to live together. However, she didn't want to live alone and but they also didn't want to live together before they got married. So they had a small, family only ceremony and kept the original wedding plans for the redo.
Here's where the "WWED" part comes in. We got our invitation really late due to a wrong address. Since we didn't get the invitation until a couple of weeks before the wedding, I assumed we weren't invited and didn't get a gift. Once we got the invitation, I was so busy that I didn't have time to take care of it. I figured I'd do it next week when work calms down and I have some time.
Now that I know it was a redo and I didn't get invited to the actual wedding, I don't really want to give a gift. Had I known ahead of time I would have just brought a card. Would it be strange to mail a card now, after the fact, that is just a card? Or do I need to suck it up and send a small gift anyway?
As an aside, the redo was exactly like a wedding. "Who gives this woman," "Today I take you to be my wife," the whole nine yards. I'll be honest, it really bugged. The bride and groom also looked extremely bored - during the vows, the bride was looking everywhere but at the groom and the look on her face said "get this over with, please." It was honestly the most boring "wedding" i've ever attended. It lacked the tension and anticipation that a real wedding has.
Oh, and to further piss me off, the dinner was not vegetarian friendly. We ended up leaving without eating and stopping for dinner on the way home.
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Re: So, E, what do you think? (Got long, sorry)
Other than that, maybe a card with a small giftcard?
Married
Taking Control:Updated 1/7
[QUOTE]I would send the gift you originally intended to send. You see them rarely, so I am guessing it was not going to be extravagant. Send the gift, wish them well, and hope their marriage is better than its beginning. I understand the whole "redo" issue, but were it me, <strong>I would just act like I didn't know and be done with the whole thing.</strong>
Posted by lauraanne9[/QUOTE]
<div>Well, the pastor made cracks about it ("we're gathered here - again - to witness the marriage of these two people" and "I'm proud to introduce for the second time...") so if you didn't know before the ceremony, you certainly would have gotten a clue during it.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know if it would cause any friction in the family, to be honest. If it did, it would hurt my mom more than me since I never see or talk to them. If I do decide to get a gift, I know where they're registered. They made sure of that when they included a registery card in the invitation.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA - perhaps this is the perfect time to make a donation in someone's name? :-P</div>
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
I'd send a card with a smallish gift
I'd probably send a card and leave it at that. But I'm a brat and I'd probably ask them what date are they celebrating their anniversary -- the real wedding date or the second, pretend one?
planning
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
ETA: Changed phrasing.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, E, what do you think? (Got long, sorry) : I also send gifts if I'm not invited to the wedding if I WANT to send a gift to the couple. I don't think wanting to send a gift and not being invited has anything to do with being invited to a do-over PPD where you weren't even properly hosted in order to get a gift out of you and not wanting to give one.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
I'm not the poster you quoted, but I'm guessing she was saying that she would give the gift based on how she feels about the person rather than whether or not she was invited to the wedding or the nature of the wedding. I definitely get that--I want to give a gift based on my relationship with the couple, not based on one event.
It's hard, because I would definitely be annoyed in this situation, but I also think it's kind of repulsive when people talk about putting cash into the card or filling out the check at the wedding, depending on how fancy the party is. I wouldn't be giving this couple that large of a gift to begin with, given the relationship, so I would probably send a gift along those lines.
House / Baby blog
[QUOTE]the more I think about it, the more I want to do a donation in their name. If there was something major like an illness that caused this, I think I'd feel differently. This was simply poor planning, or a case of having cake and eating it too two months ago an outdoor wedding wouldn't have happened due to weather, so perhaps it wad planned so they could get married earlier and still have an outdoor "wedding." If I hadn't been invited, I wouldn't have sent anything. If it had all been upfront, I wouldn't have gone or sent a gift, just a card. Even my dad, who is far from an E fiend, said "why didn't they just have a party to celebrate? I don't need to see a redo." He also started calling it their second wedding :P <strong>If I send just a card, what the hell do I write?</strong> I guess just avoid all mention of their wedding? Thank them for including us in their celebration? I am definitely finding it hard not to be snarky in how I phrase things.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>'Thanks for inviting us to your theatrical production. I give it however-many stars, and kudos to the bride and groom for their stellar impersonations of an actual bride and groom.'</div><div>
</div><div>OK, that's pretty snarky, but tempting. I'd just send a card that says congrats or best wishes. I also love the idea of the donation in their name. But I'm a beyotch sometimes. ; )</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, E, what do you think? (Got long, sorry) : <strong>ETA - perhaps this is the perfect time to make a donation in someone's name? :-P</strong>
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]
And I know EXACTLY where you can make that donation, if you'd like lol. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /><div>
</div><div>I would totally either make a donation in their name - real or fake, TBH - and send a card. I wouldn't give a gift. I feel the same about re-dos as you do. Not my style. </div>
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