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Update to BM saying Inappropriate things

You can read my original post here: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-saying-inappropriate-things

Hi Ladies,
Thank you all for your great advice last time, but now things seem to have gotten worse. My FI had his Bach party on Saturday night, and while he was cautious about what might happen, I knew he was really pleased that they threw one for him.

My FI came home at about midnight, and when I enquired how it went, his face dropped and he told me I didn't want to know, we went to bed where my FI proceeded to tell me what had happened at the party, apparently both twins (BM & GM) spent the entire evening, talking about all my flaws and how my FI's ex is so much better than me, they talked about how I am shy and quiet and that after seven years, I should be comfortable around them now but I never talk to them etc.

I am shy and quiet and I don't feel comfortable around these men to make conversation, I am not the kind of person who can enter any conversation and I can't do idle chit chat, I can take quite awhile to warm up to people, (even years) what made it all worse, is that my younger brother was there, and while I am so happy and proud that both my FI and my younger brother stuck up for me and explained to them that I am the way I am, I feel so angry.

My Fi and my brother should not have been put in the situation to defend me in the first place, my FI got to the point where he had to actually walk out of the party because he wanted to punch them, as did my brother.

I just don't know what to do now, I have cut out all speeches at my wedding (except from my FI and my Mum who is hosting) and I will be speaking with the staff at my venue in regards to alcohol consumption and intoxicated behaviour, but I know that this kind of thing will happen at the wedding, I just fear that they will say something to the wrong person, namely my oldest brother (who was absent from the Bach party) but he is very volatile and it doesn't take much to set him into a rage, I know that had he been at the party, there would have been a fight.

I guess all I can really do is try and not dwell on it, and be extremely grateful that I have a wonderful FI who will defend me in any situation, and that my brothers will also defend me against anyone (which, has actually caused me to tear up, I didn't realise how much my brother cared about me). 

Any advice on how to forget about this mess, I just don't know whether I should now confront them myself (and being the person I am, that could be hard) or do I forget about it? My FI has told me that after the wedding, he doesn't want anything to do with them.

Thanks for all the advice, any advice now would be greatly appreciated.

Re: Update to BM saying Inappropriate things

  • I have limits to what I will take and this would have probably  hit mine as I reread your original post.  I would do what is always frowned upon here - If they are so hateful and spiteful and speak to horribly about you, I would reimburse them for any expenses they have incurred and tell them to hit the road.  That would have to come from  your FI, but if he is breaking the friendship as soon as the wedding is over, I see no reason to wait.

    Yes, this breaks party rule and generally is horrid advice.  I would still do it because the friendship is over and I wouldn't spend my time worrying about this.

    You should not confront them at all.  Anything further must come from your FI.  If you guys keep them in the wedding it is on YOU to decide how much you CHOOSE to let them bother you at the wedding.  You can put on your steel toed bridal boots and not let them get under your skin, or you can put on pretty princess slippers and allow them to ruin your night.  If you keep them in the wedding you take on the responsibility of dealing with it.  No crying that they ruined your wedding - that will only happen if you choose to let their actions ruin anything.

    My, I am a rebellious one tonight.
  • The rebellion must be spreading then, because I'd be full up on the drama from those too as well.

    It's up to the FI, but I'd encourage him to disinvite them from the wedding.  They are noxious and gross.  The can go make some other corner of the earth a more miserable place to occupy.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • In Response to Re: Update to BM saying Inappropriate things:
    [QUOTE]I have limits to what I will take and this would have probably  hit mine as I reread your original post.  I would do what is always frowned upon here - If they are so hateful and spiteful and speak to horribly about you, I would reimburse them for any expenses they have incurred and tell them to hit the road.  That would have to come from  your FI, but if he is breaking the friendship as soon as the wedding is over, I see no reason to wait. Yes, this breaks party rule and generally is horrid advice.  I would still do it because the friendship is over and I wouldn't spend my time worrying about this. You should not confront them at all.  Anything further must come from your FI.  If you guys keep them in the wedding it is on YOU to decide how much you CHOOSE to let them bother you at the wedding.  You can put on your steel toed bridal boots and not let them get under your skin, or you can put on pretty princess slippers and allow them to ruin your night.  If you keep them in the wedding you take on the responsibility of dealing with it.  No crying that they ruined your wedding - that will only happen if you choose to let their actions ruin anything. My, I am a rebellious one tonight.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    This.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • You're all right, it's time I grew a spine and stopped caring about what others do, it is out of my control!

    You can put on your steel toed bridal boots and not let them get under your skin - Thank you, you're right I am being way too sensitive about this and I am the one responsible for how others make me feel.
  • I agree with everyone else.  Your fiance should have stood up for you in a way that left no mistake about where he stands.    He explained that you are the way you are for whatever reason.... but, he doesn't owe anyone any explanations. 

    A better way he could have done that is to have said "Since you clearly do not support me or my choices, and you are sitting here at my b-party talking poorly about my future wife.  Here is a check for your expenses.  You are no longer welcome at the wedding".

    I honestly think that if he didn't do that, you have bigger issues than an asshole BM and GM. 
  • Why is your FI explaining anything about you to these douchebags? Why does he still want to be friends with them?

  • Kicking someone out of the bridal party is not accepted but I think you can make an exception here. These guys are not “friends” and I would be livid. Try to control yourself, don’t approach them yourself, your FI should talk to them and get them out of your lives.   

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In general, kicking someone out of the bridal party or disinviting someone is a huge no-no, but I think keeping these two [expletives] in it is a huge no-no.

    Since they killed their friendship with your FI with their comments, I think he should kick them to the curb-both in terms of your wedding and in general.
  • I spoke to my FI about this last night, and asked him if he wanted to kick them out of the bparty. He is very torn about it as he is a very loyal man, he has a 20 year history with these two and for him that is a very hard thing to give up. He does not have a lot of friends, a besides myself and his sister he has none that are close to him. 

    Some of you may not agree with his choices, to some of you, it may seem like we have bigger issues than a couple of drunk GM's, and we do, my FI just cut his own Father out of his life and this is why I think he is a bit hesitant to end such a long friendship, but it is his choice, I will support him no matter what the decision is.


  • In Response to Re:Update to BM saying Inappropriate things:[QUOTE]He's willing to end his relationship with his father, but not two "friends" who insult his wife?Marry a real man, honey.nbsp; Speaknbsp; now, or forever hold your peace.You can tell these jerkoffs off too, you know. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]


    I agree with this. Your fiance isn't putting you or your feelings first now. Don't be surprised when that doesn't change after you are married.
  • I think is choice is a very poor one and is rather spineless.  "I can't defend my future wife properly because then I won't have any friends."

    He does not have your back.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think your FI should be standing beside you.  You're supposed to be his best friend.  That he would continue "friendship" with these two [expletives] means he isn't treating you as a friend.
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If he is 'a very loyal man', then why isn't he being loyal to YOU and throwing these jack*sses out of your wedding and out of his life?   You should come first.  Right now, you do not. 
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    My fiance would NEVER listen to anyone speak about me like that. He wouldn't necessarily end the friendship abruptly, but he would make it clear that in order to be in his presence, the bad mouthing must stop. The offending "friend" would either shut up in order to be around him or he wouldn't be around him.

    This approach is firm and non-confrontational. It puts the burden on the "friend."






    In Response to Update to BM saying Inappropriate things:
    [QUOTE]You can read my original post here:  http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-saying-inappropriate-things Hi Ladies, Thank you all for your great advice last time, but now things seem to have gotten worse. My FI had his Bach party on Saturday night, and while he was cautious about what might happen, I knew he was really pleased that they threw one for him. My FI came home at about midnight, and when I enquired how it went, his face dropped and he told me I didn't want to know, we went to bed where my FI proceeded to tell me what had happened at the party, apparently both twins (BM & GM) spent the entire evening, talking about all my flaws and how my FI's ex is so much better than me, they talked about how I am shy and quiet and that after seven years, I should be comfortable around them now but I never talk to them etc. I am shy and quiet and I don't feel comfortable around these men to make conversation, I am not the kind of person who can enter any conversation and I can't do idle chit chat, I can take quite awhile to warm up to people, (even years) what made it all worse, is that my younger brother was there, and while I am so happy and proud that both my FI and my younger brother stuck up for me and explained to them that I am the way I am, I feel so angry. My Fi and my brother should not have been put in the situation to defend me in the first place, my FI got to the point where he had to actually walk out of the party because he wanted to punch them, as did my brother. I just don't know what to do now, I have cut out all speeches at my wedding (except from my FI and my Mum who is hosting) and I will be speaking with the staff at my venue in regards to alcohol consumption and intoxicated behaviour, but I know that this kind of thing will happen at the wedding, I just fear that they will say something to the wrong person, namely my oldest brother (who was absent from the Bach party) but he is very volatile and it doesn't take much to set him into a rage, I know that had he been at the party, there would have been a fight. I guess all I can really do is try and not dwell on it, and be extremely grateful that I have a wonderful FI who will defend me in any situation, and that my brothers will also defend me against anyone (which, has actually caused me to tear up, I didn't realise how much my brother cared about me).  Any advice on how to forget about this mess, I just don't know whether I should now confront them myself (and being the person I am, that could be hard) or do I forget about it? My FI has told me that after the wedding, he doesn't want anything to do with them. Thanks for all the advice, any advice now would be greatly appreciated.
    Posted by RegallyBlonde[/QUOTE]



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