FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband

kpdorr · February 2012

I've been lurking for months now and finally have a question!

My FMIL has several coworkers she has asked to invite to the wedding. After asking for addresses several times and getting nowhere, I gave her a few save the dates to give in person to the coworkers we had discussed she'd invite. I assumed they were all single since she didn't mention any SOs so I told her to be sure to let them know they'd be invited with a guest.

Now we are getting to sending invitations in the next few weeks and I need their addresses. Come to find out one of the coworkers is married, but her husband is very ill- I say (via email) "That is really sad, we will still invite them both together even if he can't come." FMIL says "I would prefer not to invite X's husband (many reasons)"

The question is then do I push this? I want to invite them both (I've never met either) to be considerate and follow etiquette, but is it worth irritating my FMIL over??

Sorry this got long and the font got black!

CN: FMIL wants me to invite her coworker without coworker's husband- push it or let it go??

baystateapple · February 2012

Nope. You can't invite one person and not their significant other. Invite them both or neither of them.

ETA: If he's really that ill, she will probably come alone or decline the invite to stay with him anyway.

NicoleSahara · February 2012

Are you sending the invitation? Can you just send it addressed to both of them and not bring it up with her?

mari0225 · February 2012

They need to be both be invited, if he is ill most likely she'll decline or come by herself.

kpdorr · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:acdb6240-08b3-4798-9da5-c38ab22b91c4">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you sending the invitation? Can you just send it addressed to both of them and not bring it up with her?
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

I think this is what I'll end up doing, but I'm nervous. My FMIL is lovely to me, but not someone to cross.

As soon as I saw Bay's answer I knew I have to push it and invite him. I guess I'm at fault for asking a question I already know the answer to.

lbarr088 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:79bba10c-7020-48ca-a694-40774c575622">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]Nope. You can't invite one person and not their significant other. Invite them both or neither of them. <strong>ETA: If he's really that ill, she will probably come alone or decline the invite to stay with him anyway.</strong>
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

<div>Agreed. I tried to relay this point but TK ate it. </div>

chelseamb11 · February 2012

Do we know why she doesn't want him there? Is she the kind of person to have a petty reason or a valid reason. I'm leaning towards he still needs to be invited, but if she has a legitimate reason, then I'd be open to re-evaluation.

NicoleSahara · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:c0ccc870-a743-48fc-92ed-65d6a492e06f">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband : I think this is what I'll end up doing, but I'm nervous. My FMIL is lovely to me, but not someone to cross. As soon as I saw Bay's answer I knew I have to push it and invite him. I guess I'm at fault for asking a question I already know the answer to.
Posted by kpdorr[/QUOTE]

That's why I think you can just send the invitation to both of them without mentioning it to her, that way you're not going out of your way to tell her she's in the wrong by only wanting to invite the wife (she probably won't know anyway as PPs mentioned if he is that ill he likely won't make it) and if she does find out and get upset about it your FI can explain to her that it's inappropriate to invite someone without their SO.

kpdorr · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:5dd0de89-ff0a-468b-9b42-f3a3707d173d">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]Do we know why she doesn't want him there? Is she the kind of person to have a petty reason or a valid reason. I'm leaning towards he still needs to be invited, but if she has a legitimate reason, then I'd be open to re-evaluation.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure. She is a very kind and rational woman, but she does seem to have issues with a few select people. I can't tell if it is something serious, or if she just doesn't like him. I want to respect her and her coworker's privacy by not pushing too much on the details.

dori851 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:49559075-f9b6-4929-9421-e7b19b298c76">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just send the invitation to both and not tell FMIL.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

NOLAbridealmost · February 2012

I'd just invite them both and not tell FMIL (bank on him not coming if he's ill; play it like he showed up unannounced if he actually does come).

Mark&Steph · February 2012

Ditto PPs on inviting him without making a big discussion of it with FMIL. If she pushes it, I might add that I would not want to be invited to a wedding without my H/FI, and that I felt it was best to air on the side of inviting spouses to an event celebrating a marriage.

kpdorr · February 2012

Ok ladies! Thanks! I fully agree and my sister double agreed and even suggested I blame it on her or my mom for addressing the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. X if he does happen to make it.

ceh789 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:a4c897e2-3263-453e-a838-2c2bbcc95908">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd just invite them both and not tell FMIL (bank on him not coming if he's ill; <strong>play it like he showed up unannounced if he actually does come</strong>).
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh goodness - don't do THAT :)</div><div>
</div><div>You'd run the risk of her asking him to leave and that would be terribly embarassing for everyone. If he shows up and she has the gall to make an issue of it - just brush it off. "Oh FMIL, I'm so glad your friend was able to make it! Wasn't the ceremony wonderful? I'm still so excited - oh there's uncle Henry!"</div>

chelseamb11 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:a4c897e2-3263-453e-a838-2c2bbcc95908">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd just invite them both and not tell FMIL (bank on him not coming if he's ill; <strong>play it like he showed up unannounced if he actually does come</strong>).
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

Don't do that, because if he catches wind of it, he will feel horribly unwelcome. Just invite him. If FMIL finds out, your FI can explain the etiquette of your choice.

mari0225 · February 2012

Yeah I wouldn't play it like he wasn't invited, I know my grandmother would say something to anyone who wasn't invited and then he'll say "Yes I was" and just start a scene and he would feel so unwelcome.

kpdorr · February 2012

No we wouldn't do that! I would assume she'd rsvp 2 if he is going to come, and I will let my FMIL know then that he had been included on the invitation.

I'm hoping to work it into a conversation with her before invitations actually go out, but if not I will invite them both and clue her in when the RSVP comes back.

Maggie0829 · February 2012

Honestly I don't see the issue here. Tell her that you will be inviting both individuals because they are a social unit and splitting a social unit up is very rude and poor etiquette. If she throws a hissy fit then have FI step in to talk her down.

rebarobert2012 · February 2012

I would send the invitation directly to her and her husband. That way, you don't have to worry about your FMIL not inviting him. Because you are correct that he should be invited. It's very rude to split up social units.

If he is ill, it's likely either they both will decline, or he will decline and she will come alone anyway.

hearthemelody · February 2012

Actually, it sounds like you don't know these people that well, if they are FMILs co-workers.

If their invitation is contingent on getting their addresses from FMIL, and you don't get them, I would not worry about it too much. Yes, they got STDs, but if you can't send the invites, you can't send them.

Set a deadline to get the addresses from FMIL, make it clear that without the addresses this woman will not be invited and then follow through. If you get the info, invite both, and if you don't, invite neither.

-I have a feeling nobody will agree with me on this-

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:09809ab7-4789-4cda-9409-f496bebe2e35">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, it sounds like you don't know these people that well, if they are FMILs co-workers. If their invitation is contingent on getting their addresses from FMIL, and you don't get them, I would not worry about it too much. Yes, they got STDs, but if you can't send the invites, you can't send them. Set a deadline to get the addresses from FMIL, make it clear that without the addresses this woman will not be invited and then follow through. If you get the info, invite both, and if you don't, invite neither. <strong>-I have a feeling nobody will agree with me on this-
</strong>Posted by hearthemelody[/QUOTE]

I definitely don't. By giving FMIL the STDs to give to them, OP made it her own responsibility to ensure they're invited. Besides, your post has nothing to do with her question - she isn't trying to get out of inviting FMIL's co-workers, she's trying to figure out if she should cave to FMIL's irrational, anti-etiquette request to leave someone's husband off the invitation (which she shouldn't, as has already been covered).

chelseamb11 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:09809ab7-4789-4cda-9409-f496bebe2e35">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, it sounds like you don't know these people that well, if they are FMILs co-workers. If their invitation is contingent on getting their addresses from FMIL, and you don't get them, I would not worry about it too much. Yes, they got STDs, but if you can't send the invites, you can't send them. Set a deadline to get the addresses from FMIL, make it clear that without the addresses this woman will not be invited and then follow through. If you get the info, invite both, and if you don't, invite neither. <strong>-I have a feeling nobody will agree with me on this-</strong>
Posted by hearthemelody[/QUOTE]

Yeah because it's bad etiquette. They got a STD, they get an invite. That's why they're, ya know, saving the date?

ErinG93 · February 2012

If an STD was sent, wouldn't OP have the address already?

Maybe not, but I would think so.

kpdorr · February 2012

My FMIL hand delivered the STD to her coworker. She just sent me their address today, which is why the whole issue came up- after giving it to me and telling me the coworker had a husband, she went on to tell me she didn't want the husband invited, "for several reasons."

It will be fine, I will invite the couple, they will rsvp, if it is for 2, I'll clue FMIL in then that he's coming, if it is for 1 I've done the right thing and FMIL will be none the wiser.

Thanks for all of the help.

Meegles4 · February 2012

I'm extremely curious why she doesn't want this guy invited. My mind is going to the extremes...was there an affair? He's abusive?! I'm sure it's nothing nearly as salacious, but hey, if it is, maybe there is a legit reason she doesn't want him there.

Carla1019 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:42419aac-ce94-4777-8667-0eb90943a3ee">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm extremely curious why she doesn't want this guy invited. My mind is going to the extremes...was there an affair? He's abusive?! I'm sure it's nothing nearly as salacious, but hey, if it is, maybe there is a legit reason she doesn't want him there.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]

This! I would not send the invitation behind her back and invite him.

IF I were you I would tell her that you feel uncomfortable inviting a married woman without her spouse.

You said the husband was ill, does he have something contagious like pneumonia?
If you already explained sorry I missed it.

twotimemob · February 2012

I'm curious why you are inviting FMIL's co-workers in the first place. It's your wedding, not hers.

snr1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:4819b5e9-d269-41bf-8230-0ab7d16fe8f5">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I'm curious why you are inviting FMIL's co-workers in the first place. It's your wedding, not hers.</strong>
Posted by twotimemob[/QUOTE]

I am also inviting my FMIL's co-workers. Granted I have met most of them, but not all. She has worked with them for a very long time and they would be very offended if they weren't invited to her son's wedding. Sometimes you just have to do these things.

hearthemelody · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wants-to-invite-coworker-not-workers-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82fc74a6-88b5-4d43-a046-844b50edac81Post:b1dd460e-f133-40fb-ade3-3daaebe812be">Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL wants to invite coworker, not worker's husband : I definitely don't. By giving FMIL the STDs to give to them, OP made it her own responsibility to ensure they're invited. Besides, your post has nothing to do with her question - she isn't trying to get out of inviting FMIL's co-workers, she's trying to figure out if she should cave to <strong>FMIL's irrational, anti-etiquette request</strong> to leave someone's husband off the invitation (which she shouldn't, as has already been covered).
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

The way I see it, the FMIL was the one with poor etiquette at every step of the way. She didn't get her the addresses in time for the STDs, she requested not to invite a SO, and she still delayed the addresses for the invites. IMO the person who would have egg on her face would be the FMIL, not the OP.

BUT - it is a non-issue because the OP HAS the addresses, and intends to follow the rules now that she has them.

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