WDYT

dawnleanna1 · May 2012

So I posted a few days ago about how I am totally stressed about this wedding and currently experiencing the worst migrane of my life (going on 11? days now). I have been doing everything I can think of to de-stress and relax, including taking time off wedding planning but there is still so much to do that stuff keeps coming up and people (WP, moms) keep calling me for advice and direction. One of the things some of you suggested to lighten my load was to register online. So I did that. Well, this has turned into a huge fight between FI and I and raised some questions about wedding ettiquite and what we should and should not be doing.

Here's some background. I may have mentioned that this is a second wedding. I met my first husband at 19, and after 6 years we got engaged. We had planned to have a big traditional wedding back home in Detroit (we lived in Vegas) with all of our friends and family. Well 6 months later I got pregnant. So instead of cancelling the wedding or being 9 mos preggo at my wedding, we decided to move the wedding up and just have a very small wedding in Las Vegas. So basically I never had a shower, never had a traditional wedding where everyone could come and never went on a honeymoon or bach party. Instead I got the most adorable daughter in the world and she was totally worth it. Then 8 months later husband passed away. Now FI got a girl pregnant fairly young and married her because it was the "right " thing to do. Probablem was he was totally not into it and he hardly remembers any details at all about their wedding (he's not even sure if they had a shower). He ended up in divorce about 3 years ago. This time around FI want's to do everything different and wants to have the wedding of our dreams and is totally invollved and is paying for most of the wedding. It was originally all his idea.

Because this is a second wedding and my side of the family is pretty traditional, we originally had decided that we weren't having a shower and that we should't register for gifts. Well a month ago my MOH and bff suprised me with the idea of throwing me a shower (she said that I deserved one and ppl would understand considering my circumstances). After talking over it with my mom alot, I decided it was a sweet gesture and to accept.

Well this is where the question comes up. Should we register? I was thinking that yes, since we are having a shower there should be some kind of registry.FI was not thriled. I talked him into a honeymoon registry to help us with some of the expenses with our honeymoon (we are taking a pretty big one). He agreed. Well, then my mom says that some ppl, mainly older guests, may not like that idea of not bringing an actual gift to the wedding/shower. So I created a small (30-40 items) registry online for household items that I thought we could use or need replacements. Well when FI saw the registry he got all pissy with me and HATES the dishes I picked out. WTF, whatever we can take the dishes off nbd. Well this spiked a huge argument about how he thinks the registry is inappropriate and how we dont "need" any of this stuff and it looks bad to family and friends. I don't know how to take this. Should I not have done this? WDYT?

Nancy00714 · May 2012

I don't actually know proper etiquette for this but I think since you never had a proper shower then it's fine if he disagrees because maybe he did or didn't have one then keep it to your side of the fam. I disagree with honeymoon registries especially for a shower. I think you should give people the option to buy you an actual gift. Totally agree with your mom. If you want, have your friends send out the invitations with both registries on there and give them a choice of what to give you. And yes, if he's making a big deal about plates, I would just pick out new ones. Hope your migraines stop :

michelle11988 · May 2012

Well this fight probably did not help your migraines whatsoever. I would tell FI if he doesn't like the plates, then he can do it. I think you should register for some stuff because if not you'll get a lot of random stuff that you don't want, need, and might not be able to return. I know that honeymoon registries don't typically go over well on TK because you are asking for money basically, even if it looks like they are buying excursions.

BeachLover2885 · May 2012

So one of my friends didn't register but she has a HM registry. At her shower, lots of people brought gifts. A few people bought "items" from their HM registry, but the majority bought her gifts. Based on that, I would tell you to register because people do like to bring a tangible gift to a shower. Did any shower invites go out?

Also, I hope you start feeling better soon!

toomanychoices17 · May 2012

I think you should register. I agree with your friends that it's appropriate for you to have one, since you didn't have one for the first wedding and you are a widow not a divorcee. I don't think it matters if FI was married before, because the shower's not really for him anyway. If guests don't think it's appropriate for you to have a shower for a second wedding, they won't attend. If they do attend, it's easier for them to have a registry to buy from, and better for you so you don't get things you don't need and do get things you want.

BmoreBride311 · May 2012

I would go by what your family and friends seem they want. Meaning, if it seems like some guests WANT to give you physical gifts, than why not set up a registry to help them find stuff you would like. Maybe you just need to remind your FI that you are registering for the subset of guests that have inquired about it? And also explain that if you don't, you may end up with three blenders or some other random stuff. GL!

mbody · May 2012

It's not against anything etiquette wise to have a shower for a second wedding.

Since someone offered a shower, and you accepted, then yes, I think you should register. If you don't, you'll get a bunch of crap that you don't even want. (Read: rooster cookie jar for the kitchen)

As far as the dishes go, you and your FI should pick something out together, as well as, other items. Compromise here. And remember to put this all in perspective... nothing on a registry is worth fighting over. Enjoy this time together.

I'm not a fan of HM registrys. So, I'd skip that.

butterflyjumper1 · May 2012

I agree with the others. I don't think there is anything etiquette wise that says if it is your second wedding, you cannot have a shower. I think sometimes, when a person in on their second wedding, they do things smaller and more low-key and don't need as many gifts - but, there is nothing wrong with accepting an offer to host you a shower. So, I say go for it!

I don't think a honeymoon registry is a wise idea for a shower. As others said, people want to bring physical gifts to your shower. I did not get one gift card or monetary gift at my shower last week - every single gift was a real gift (some off of our registries even). I personally don't even like them for weddings, but that is a whole other discussion.

Oh, and let your fiance pick out plates he likes. You have to pick your battles, haha. My fiance had strong opinions about plates and silverware (and I really did not) so he got to pick those.

littlemoments324 · May 2012

I agree with all others

dawnleanna1 · May 2012

Thanks. I took the dishes off yesterday. I agree, that is def NOT worth fighting over especially when I am so stressed out already.The problem is he took that as a platform to jump all over me for asking for things we dont "need". I had a feeling my mom was right about the HM registry, but I had no idea so many ppl were actually against it. Our HM is basically already paid for so don't actually need it, we just thought it would be nice because we are paying 100% of the wedding costs and it's alot. The shower invites go out this weekend, which is why I felt the rush to get this done this week. I had my MOH put the HM registry and the Bed Bath and Beyond registry on them. And today FI came home with flowers and sat down and picked out a set of dishes we can both live with. Thanks for your input. The HM registry is already on there so I am going to stick with it, but guests will have the choice of a traditional registry as well if they don't like it.

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