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Not Engaged Yet
Need to blow off some steam...
Last night the BF and I discussed the fact that I do EVERYTHING around the house, dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning etc...and he does help with the dishes OCCASIONALLY (we dont have a dishwasher in our apartment, if we did dishes wouldnt really count as house work) I knew what I was signing up for when I moved in with him but all I am asking is for him to help once in a while and pick up after himself.
Anyway so we were discussing it last night and he mentioned that his dad doesnt help around the house, his mom does everything and he didnt think it was a big deal to not help...well his mom is a stay at home mom, she doesnt work out side of the house.
I freaked out, I work 40 hours a week, on a slow week, and voleteer and I am on the board for a few committees as well. I still manage to get everything done but I dont think I am out of line asking for some help.
His mother doesnt work, I understand that being a housewife is a big responsiblitiy but so is working full time and being a house "girlfriend", that doesnt make it excusable for his father not to help but still I would expect him to understand what I am pissed off about when he made the comment
UGH men do not get it! sorry just had to vent a second. he is great in any other aspect, i keep telling him i should have just moved out by myself, it would have been half the laundry and half the dishes
Anyway so we were discussing it last night and he mentioned that his dad doesnt help around the house, his mom does everything and he didnt think it was a big deal to not help...well his mom is a stay at home mom, she doesnt work out side of the house.
I freaked out, I work 40 hours a week, on a slow week, and voleteer and I am on the board for a few committees as well. I still manage to get everything done but I dont think I am out of line asking for some help.
His mother doesnt work, I understand that being a housewife is a big responsiblitiy but so is working full time and being a house "girlfriend", that doesnt make it excusable for his father not to help but still I would expect him to understand what I am pissed off about when he made the comment
UGH men do not get it! sorry just had to vent a second. he is great in any other aspect, i keep telling him i should have just moved out by myself, it would have been half the laundry and half the dishes
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt
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Re: Need to blow off some steam...
But it isn't "men" who don't get it- in this case it's your BF. I know guys who DO get it (my BF being one of them) and will help out around the house.
Did you two just move in together recently? I think this is an issue that needs to be discussed and a compromise needs to be reached.
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Tale as Old as Time (Updated 11/26)
[QUOTE]we moved in together in August, I think he has cleaned the toilet once and helped with the dishes like 3 or 4 times... <strong>do you girls have any ideas as to how to "bribe him" or make it his idea to help haha. the only time he seems to help is when he knows im angry.
</strong>Posted by kdwyer4[/QUOTE]
See, I just don't think those are good ways to work things out. He shouldn't be waiting until you're angry, and you shouldn't need to bribe or manipulate him to get him to help out a little. You're both adults, and need to learn to discuss these things in a mature way. Have a sit down conversation with him and you can both explain to the other why this matters to each of you and what your opinions are. Then come to an agreement and write it out if you have to.
It's a big adjustment to make, but it's a necessary one.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need to blow off some steam... : <strong>See, I just don't think those are good ways to work things out. He shouldn't be waiting until you're angry, and you shouldn't need to bribe or manipulate him to get him to help out a little. You're both adults, and need to learn to discuss these things in a mature way. Have a sit down conversation with him and you can both explain to the other why this matters to each of you and what your opinions are. </strong>Then come to an agreement and write it out if you have to. It's a big adjustment to make, but it's a necessary one.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]
<div>This. There should be no reason to have to bribe him, he's not a child. If you're already to the point of living together, I think you should be able to have a conversation about how the way things are right now isn't working and come up with a solution together.</div>
Somebody once said, it's the soul that matters. Baby who can really tell, when two hearts belong so well?
Tale as Old as Time (Updated 11/26)
You shouldn't have to bribe him. Maybe have that talk again. Tell him it makes up upset that you have to do all the work. Explain you're busy and tell him it would mean a lot to you if he would make a little more effort around the house. If he can't respect that then maybe you should consider moving back out so the house work doesn't stress you out so much.
Married! May 27th, 2012
Coming from someone who is a messy person naturally, specifying chores can actually really help. If one person is naturally cleaner and just says something vague like "help a little more", it likely isn't going to solve the problem. Specifying who is doing which chores and how often can certainly help clear up confusion.
In our house, I clean the bathrooms, wash & fold laundry, and cook. BF takes out the trash, does the dishes, and sweeps & mops. We're both messy, so the regularity of it is a bit off, but that's the general division of chores.
[QUOTE]I think you need to beat him with a broom, or vacuum, or something. I'd be really annoyed. FBD and I had to have the "cleaning" talk when we first moved in. He just didn't get it. Now I find he will help but I have to ask him, and direct what I want done. He's more than happy to take out the trash, he just won't think of it until I ask him to. I think your conversation was a good start...next you might just need to start reminding him of things you'd like help with. There's no reason why men can't help out too. It's not your job to do his laundry;)
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]
Haha I like the beating him idea best so far =) yeah we will have a chat this evening.
Last weekend was the tipping point for me I scrubbed the whole apartment, and while i was cleaning the bathroom he asked if I was going to make lunch (he cannot cook, it is a fire hazard if he touches the stove) and i told him i would when I was finished with the bathroom but he did preheat the oven and put water on boil and when i got things started he decided he had to leave for a wedding he and his family were going to (wedding started at 4:30, he left at 1:30) i was FURIOUS!!! I did explain why i was so pissed when he got home from the wedding, he didn't realize him leaving while I was making lunch for him would make me mad he thought he could just eat it when he got home later. I was ready to kick his skinny little butt.
All this complaining makes him seem like an awful man but he really is amazing to me.
Yes his only excuse for not helping is that his mom does it all on her own, if I stayed at home our house would be spotless (i am slightly ocd) but I don't so the weekends are usually when i get down and dirty and scrub the place. I just hate having to ask him to help 10 times, getting him to say yes then half an hour later it is not done. ARGHH
Okay, I just have one other thought. How picky are you about it being clean? I understand wanting things tidy, but it sounds like you get really stressed out from trying to do everything and it sounds like you have higher expectations for cleanliness than he does. You might need to give a little on that to make things work out as a compromise. There shouldn't be mouldy dishes lying around, but it doesn't need to be spotless all the time either. But he should be pitching in if he can.
I am just more concerned about when people come over, throughout the week things get a little messy which is fine but I try to make sure the house is all but spotless when we have guests, mostly because we still have people coming over that haven't seen our place yet. I don't want them to think we are pigs haha.
Motolyn's House Remodel Blog Starting anew Nov. 2012.
That said, people have different levels of cleanliness and order that they're comfortable with. And certain levels of messiness that they can tolerate before they'd feel inclined to clean. So while something might bug you, it might not even set his radar off. Open and fair communication is key - getting mad at him or yelling is rarely productive in getting someone to clean. Saying, "Listen, Susie and Bob are coming over for dinner. I'd like to have all the dirty dishes cleaned and put away, the floors swept, and in general have the house picked up. Can you do the dishes and I'll sweep and clean the house?" is more likely to get results than "Can you help me clean?" Be specific on what you want him to do and when you want him to have it completed.
BF can't stand dirty floors - drives him nuts! And he doesn't like mail being left on the counter. But he'll spread his dirty socks and law school books and papers all around the living room. And leave the toilet seat up. Ugh!
My BF and I do not live together, so I realize my experience is a bit different here. At a minimum, I think individuals should be able to manage their own messes. I don't pick up after him and he doesn't pick up after me. No one is the other one's maid. For laundry, dishes, and things of that nature...we both do our own "cleaning" along the way.
As far as other general duties go (dusting, vacuuming, trash, dog duties, etc.) we split them pretty evenly. Maybe explain to your BF that both of you contribute financially (work), so you'd like the home upkeep to be an equal effort too.
As far as cleaning before having company over - I am similar to you and also like to have everything looking nice. BF and I usually tackle this type of cleaning effort together. Instead of giving him a list - perhaps you could set aside an hour once a week (or however often is necessary) to clean together. This way, no one feels they are doing it alone, and the equal-ness is in the time spent instead of the number of tasks. Turn on some music and make it fun...
Just my thoughts - hope they help!
My FI does the dishes. But he has a tendency to let them sit around, which bothers me. I really try not to bug him though, as it's his job and he'll get to it, even if it's not as soon as I'd like.
Example:
Chore name Owner Frequency
vacuuming K once every two weeks
Maybe you don't need something that explicit, but if you do, then there's no arguing. If the responsibility isn't fulfilled, you're entitled to nag, prod, etc. If the agreed upon timeline hasn't yet expired, then you stay quiet.
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But you need to be prepared that you may not be able to change the habits of a lifetime.
You may need to learn to just accept how he is and develop strategies for dealing with it so you don't go crazy.
Marriage or engagement will not magically turn him into someone who automatically cleans. You will probably have a lifetime of saying, "Honey, can you please take the trash out today?" or "Honey, can you fold and put away that load of laundry in the dryer?"
If you can't deal with that, it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.
and ditto everything desert and whereyat said!
Your honey just needs to get used to helping out, since it seems that he really has had no experience with it. He may even be embarrassed if he doesn't know how to do something. I mean, if I had never run a dishwasher before, I wouldn't know where to put the detergent!!
[QUOTE]So he's great in every other aspect besides the fact that he's antifeminist and expects you to act like his 1950s housewife? Well good...NBD. Seriously...tell him that unless he's into some new bizarre type of role playing, he will not be f**king June Clever.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>agreed.
</div>
[QUOTE]I think you need to beat him with a broom, or vacuum, or something. I'd be really annoyed. FBD and I had to have the "cleaning" talk when we first moved in. He just didn't get it. <strong>Now I find he will help but I have to ask him, and direct what I want done. He's more than happy to take out the trash, he just won't think of it until I ask him to. </strong> I think your conversation was a good start...next you might just need to start reminding him of things you'd like help with. There's no reason why men can't help out too. It's not your job to do his laundry;)
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]
THIS. Exactly.
Guys tend to not notice some things that women do...like when the trash is full and needs to be taken out :/. BF mostly helps out- I usually do most of it but he's pretty good about doing something when I ask him to...or I'll mention that I did 'such and such last time'- now it's your turn :)
You just need to let him know it's too exhausting to do EVERYTHING yourself. If he never did anything I'm pretty sure our apt. would be a disaster!
I explained to him that it is too overwhelming to do all of the cleaning etc on my own (very calmly) and he said that he is more than willing to help with laundry when i head to my parents to use their washer and dryer. The toilet was even cleaned this morning when I got up. He is on day shift now and has to be at work at 5:30 am so I guess he got up a little earlier than usual to help out.
I plan on showing him how to actually sweep and use the vaccume and maybe even dust etc. I really do think he has no idea how to do it considering it was always done for him at home- he never really knew any better I guess since its his first time out of the house.
I really appreciate the help girls. If he starts to slack off again I will resort to the chore list. I like the idea of having a dead line and if its not done then the person who didnt finish has to do all the chores the following week.
Believe me he is not a feminist- his monther just sheltered him waaaayy too long! He also had 3 sisters that were like mothers to him so he is use to having his hand held. Like i said we are still early in the living together phase so i think were going to grow together.