Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
*BeachBride0410*
member
S/O: " Are things different"
We might have talked about this before.....but for those of you that did not live with your DH or currently don't live with your FI now and are waiting till you get married. What was behind that decision? Religious/personal?
If asked my opinion & advice, I would tell a couple 100% move in together before you get married. I think there are so many things you learn about your partner when living together.
If asked my opinion & advice, I would tell a couple 100% move in together before you get married. I think there are so many things you learn about your partner when living together.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: S/O: " Are things different"
Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
about 98% of the decision to live apart was that I was going to school 1.5 hours away from where DH and I bought our house. so I had an apartment in the town where I was going to school while we were engaged. I graduated, got married a week after graduation, and moved out of the apartment and into our house about 3 days after the honeymoon was over.
the other 2% was a combination of his parents total disapproval of us living together despite the fact that their "baby boy" is 31 years old, and our religious values. if I had gone to school locally, we probably would have lived together, but it would have been a constant battle with his parents.
Glenna Harding Photography
Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
Glenna Harding Photography
My mom thought it was a great idea for us to live together - I think that my parents realized how incompatible they were after moving in together, and if they had done so before getting married I'm pretty sure the wedding never would have happened. My FI's parents (and the rest of his family) aren't thrilled about the idea, but they agree that it would be a waste of money for us to live separately so they keep mum on the subject.
That said I think it's fine to wait if that's what you want to do. It's not like if you wait you won't have a successful marriage. I just know for me this was a smart decision. I also have a few friends who went right from their parents home to their married home - I feel like at the very least everyone should live on their own (or with roommates or whatever) before getting married. That actually wasn't really relevant I guess - I thought of it because Fi's brother's wife did this and I know they are having quite the adjustment right now. Could be the new living together situation or could also be the fact that she'd never lived outside her parents' house.
We aren't moving in until after the wedding and it's kinda because I'm an old fashioned girl that way - I don't want to live with anyone unless I'm married to him. Plus, I have spiritual and parental reasons as well - my pastor won't marry anyone who lives together before marriage, and my folks have always told me that they won't pay for the wedding if I "shack up" (their words, not mine!).
Maybe you guys can clarify this for me:
A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. Gotcha. Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy? When you guys say that, that's how I interpret it but that seems odd so I am interested in some clarification.
But, yes I also feel that living together before marriage is a good idea. I have had friends who thought everything was perfect and then moved in together and it fell apart (although, they probably did rush into that...).
[QUOTE]We didn't live together until well after we were engaged. Mostly for similar reasons to Pooh- I was going to school 2 hours away from his job, and his parents would not be thrilled by it. Honestly, they were slightly disappointed that we didn't wait until we were married, but for us, the timing was right last summer. <strong>If I'm being totally honest though, there isn't a ton that I've learned about FI since we moved in together. Most of his "habits" I already knew from weekends etc together.</strong> I think its something that is a really personal choice, and you've got to do what works for you as a couple, regardless of what people think.
Posted by mrs.jesse[/QUOTE]
And that might have been true for you, but I really think that there are still some things that people find out once living under the roof with that person and sharing their space day in and day out. Some habits don't always come out in a weekend...
Living with someone could be like living with a completely different person, if that makes sense. You know your SO as one way, but (figuratively) spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week could show you sides you've never seen before. Totally don't want to learn that AFTER the fact, I like to know what I'm getting myself into.
[QUOTE]This question in no way applies to me, as FI and I live together, but I agree with you. I'd rather make the living arrangement adjustments before the marriage. Kind of like test driving a car, I guess, to put it crudely.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]
I do agree with this. I wouldn't have felt comfortable bonding myself to a person for life without living with them and knowing their habits in and out.
That said, I wouldn't have moved in with someone unless 1) I thought the relationship had serious marriage potential or 2) we had discussed long-term future plans. (Not necessarily marriage, but, "this is what I see in our relationship in the next 3 years...") I just have too many friends who think needing to split their rent with someone is a good reason to cohabitate and... I think moving the relationship to the next level is the ONLY reason to do so.
40/112
[QUOTE]We aren't living together because we don't live in the same city. If we did, though, we wouldn't. It would have really bothered his dad (and mom while she was alive) and the rest of his family. Neither of us deny how much you learn about a person once you live with them but that was something we were ok with learning once we got married. Maybe you guys can clarify this for me: <strong>A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. Gotcha. Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy? When you guys say that, that's how I interpret it but that seems odd so I am interested in some clarification. </strong>
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]
I always thought this was stupid. even if the sex sucks at first, people learn from each other and eventually it gets better. plenty of virgins marry each other all the time--you KNOW the sex sucks that first night, hell the first several weeks at least, but they soldier on.
Glenna Harding Photography
Also, we currently work jobs that are 1-1.5 hours apart, so it's easier for both of us not to commute. When we marry, we'll both be looking at pretty long commutes (national job search is underway). That's high on my list of things I'm anxious about being married. In addition to the idea of moving in with a man who hasn't cohabitated with anyone since he went off to college, half a lifetime ago.
Being academic nerds, we also know that there has been some research that shows that people who cohabitate before marriage have a higher likelihood of divorce. The research wasn't really good (too much bias), but it's food for thought.
Eventually maintaining a long distance relationship had become to much for us to handle. We were at a point that if one of us didn't move it would eventually end. He ended up getting a fantastic career after he graduated. My lease was up about this time and I was still uncertain about living together before marriage (even though I knew it would most likely help our relationship). My roommate was not being helpful and wishy-washy about finding a new apartment together (He wanted to stay roommates but hated the place that we currently lived. I do not blame him. The place wasn't the best.). So I said so long packed my bags and made the move. It was one of the best decisions I have made.
Our first 2 years of living together we had roommates. That was a challenge in itself. Living together has made us a better couple.
[QUOTE]We aren't living together because we don't live in the same city. If we did, though, we wouldn't. It would have really bothered his dad (and mom while she was alive) and the rest of his family. Neither of us deny how much you learn about a person once you live with them but that was something we were ok with learning once we got married. Maybe you guys can clarify this for me: A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. Gotcha. Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy? When you guys say that, that's how I interpret it but that seems odd so I am interested in some clarification.
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]
The 'in bed' thing depends, I guess. I mean, I haven't personally ever experienced someone so bad that it was a deal-breaker, but just because it's beyond the realm of my personal experience doesn't mean it's not possible. I HAVE kissed a guy that was so awful I had to break up with him, so I can imagine that if there is just an utter lack of chemistry, it might be an issue. But hopefully that won't be the case with someone that you love and are marrying.
And as for living with someone: there were a LOT of things FI and I had to get used to about each other. If we were different people, I suppose they could have been deal-breakers. We adjusted fine, but I was surprised by the fact that it was even necessary to adjust, considering we'd stayed over at each others' places many times. So yeah, I could see a couple not being able to get along in the same space. Additionally, when you live together finances generally come into play a lot more, and this is an issue for many couples, so it's nice if you can work it out beforehand.
I'm not judging people who don't live together or sleep together first, and I think that a couple that's making a serious committment like marriage ought to be able to work these sorts of things out, but I do think it's possible that in some cases, there may be irreconcilable issues and that it would suck to find that out after you're already married.
[QUOTE]We aren't living together because we don't live in the same city. If we did, though, we wouldn't. It would have really bothered his dad (and mom while she was alive) and the rest of his family. Neither of us deny how much you learn about a person once you live with them but that was something we were ok with learning once we got married. Maybe you guys can clarify this for me: A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. Gotcha. <strong>Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy?</strong> When you guys say that, that's how I interpret it but that seems odd so I am interested in some clarification.
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]
I think whether you have sex before or after marriage, there is always a learning period. Having sex the 1st time with that person may not be enjoyable and the time after. But slowly you get to know each others bodies and what makes them feel good. And I respect your decision to wait. But I think if in the long run if I was not sexual satisfied I honestly do not know if a relationship could with stand that, especially at early ages. I feel that a relationship needs to be strong mental & physically, including sexually. I would try everything in my power to fix it. Trying new things to spice it up or even counseling. If none of that worked, to be perfectly honest & it might sound horrible....but I am not sure how long it could last.
And I say that now, my view could change in the future....but have to answer it honestly.
[QUOTE]We aren't living together because we don't live in the same city. If we did, though, we wouldn't. It would have really bothered his dad (and mom while she was alive) and the rest of his family. Neither of us deny how much you learn about a person once you live with them but that was something we were ok with learning once we got married. Maybe you guys can clarify this for me: A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. Gotcha. <strong> Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy? When you guys say that, that's how I interpret it but that seems odd so I am interested in some clarification. </strong>
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]
Depends on how much it affected our lives and how willing he'd be to work on it. If those things were irrepairable, then yeah, I probably wouldn't be able to marry a slob who was bad in bed. If he were unwilling to work on the sex, or the household duties, then that's an indicator of a bigger problem than a messy person with whom the sex isn't great.
Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
[QUOTE]We aren't living together because we don't live in the same city. If we did, though, we wouldn't. It would have really bothered his dad (and mom while she was alive) and the rest of his family. Neither of us deny how much you learn about a person once you live with them but that was something we were ok with learning once we got married. <strong> Maybe you guys can clarify this for me: A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. Gotcha. Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy? When you guys say that, that's how I interpret it but that seems odd so I am interested in some clarification. </strong>
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]
Well yes this is a good point - obviously those of us who live/lived with Fi before marriage feel it's not a deal breaker at all since we're still with them. I also think you can learn enough about someone not living together to know that you want to marry them. However it certainly CAN be a deal breaker for some people. I've heard of acquaintances and friends moving in together and having it not work. Maybe if they were married they would have tried harder - I don't know. I just am a fan of knowing what it is like to live with someone before I commit to doing it forever.
Also it becomes more of a practical thing I think. I have friends who won't live with their bf's because of what their parents would think or pastor or whoever... but then they are still spending every night together. If you're going to do that why pay two rents? Why not just live together? For us, we were making the decision to spend every/most nights together and so instead of pretending and having two apartments until we were married we just decided to own it and move in.
Some people don't live together in every sense of the phrase which I respect. Either decision - to live together or not should be owned. I just felt like for me it was silly to pretend to live a part when we were always together anyways.
I hope that didn't come off as judgy - I'm hoping I explained myself well.
[QUOTE] Maybe you guys can clarify this for me: A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. Gotcha. Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy? When you guys say that, that's how I interpret it but that seems odd so I am interested in some clarification.
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]
I can't answer for myself, but I have a friend who married her first boyfriend (at 17) when she was a virgin and she said the sex was bad. Like, really bad. That didn't necessarily come into her decision to get divorced, but she was certainly excited to try new things once she was single again. I asked if it was bad even though she had nothing to compare it to at the time. She said since she's had good sex in the meantime, it's REALLY bad in retrospect, but it was still bad, even with nothing to compare it to.
Just saying!
40/112
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O: " Are things different" : Oh, I`m not trying to say it is true for everyone, but it is true for us. You asked why we didn`t live together, and then said "I think there are so many things you learn about your partner when living together." All I said was that what YOU said isn`t true for everyone either.
Posted by mrs.jesse[/QUOTE]
Absolutely, I agree with you! It is not true for everyone
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O: " Are things different" : I always thought this was stupid. even if the sex sucks at first, people learn from each other and eventually it gets better. plenty of virgins marry each other all the time--you KNOW the sex sucks that first night, hell the first several weeks at least, but they soldier on.
Posted by pooh8402[/QUOTE]
I dated a guy once, who by all counts, was perfect for me. We really genuinely liked one another and enjoyed one another's company. We never ran out of stuff to talk about and had lots in common. But we just didn't click in bed. I'd hate to have not known that, if I were marrying the guy. Sometimes people are just sexually incompatible, even if they're conscious of it, work on it, and try to make it better.
Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O: " Are things different" : The 'in bed' thing depends, I guess. I mean, I haven't personally ever experienced someone so bad that it was a deal-breaker, but just because it's beyond the realm of my personal experience doesn't mean it's not possible. I HAVE kissed a guy that was so awful I had to break up with him, so I can imagine that if there is just an utter lack of chemistry, it might be an issue. But hopefully that won't be the case with someone that you love and are marrying. And as for living with someone: there were a LOT of things FI and I had to get used to about each other. If we were different people, I suppose they could have been deal-breakers. We adjusted fine, but I was surprised by the fact that it was even necessary to adjust, considering we'd stayed over at each others' places many times. So yeah, I could see a couple not being able to get along in the same space. Additionally, when you live together finances generally come into play a lot more, and this is an issue for many couples, so it's nice if you can work it out beforehand. I'm not judging people who don't live together or sleep together first, and I think that a couple that's making a serious committment like marriage ought to be able to work these sorts of things out, but I do think it's possible that in some cases, there may be irreconcilable issues and that it would suck to find that out after you're already married.
Posted by LauraT25[/QUOTE]
I just want to say I respect other people's opinons and choices and that what I am about to say isn't mean to be rude at all.
Maybe it depends on your idea of marriage but for me, there are very few reasons for why a marriage should <em>not </em>work out. I think 95% of issues a couple can/will face are things that can and should be worked out. This includes figuring out your finances, living styles, sex, etc. Then again, I personally think a lot of things need to be discussed beforehand. I know MTV is ridiculous but I watched a True Life: I'm a newlywed where the couple didn't discuss their finances before getting married. That's just stupid. I don't think you necessarily have to <em>do </em>things before marriage in order to handle them.
[QUOTE]I have friends who won't live with their bf's because of what their parents would think or pastor or whoever... but then they are still spending every night together. If you're going to do that why pay two rents? Why not just live together? For us, we were making the decision to spend every/most nights together and so instead of pretending and having two apartments until we were married we just decided to own it and move in.
Posted by pixiedust84[/QUOTE]
I agree with this. At that point, it just seems like a facade (again, if it is for religious reasons, not practical or personal). But to each his own.
40/112
[QUOTE] Maybe you guys can clarify this for me: A lot of people say that they would like to know how a person is to live with and in bed before getting married. Gotcha. Is that a deal breaker though? Would you really end a relationship because the sex wasn't amazing for awhile or because they were sloppy? When you guys say that, that's how I interpret it but that seems odd so I am interested in some clarification.
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]
I don't think it is about dumping someone who is bad in bed, or sloppy, I think it is about getting to know someone. I wouldn't want to get married and then learn my husband can only get off when S&M comes into play. Also, I would rather work on the sloppy issue before marriage rather than get married, move in and think, "WTF did I get myself into?" If you aren't used to a cranky FI in the morning or a grumpy gus when he gets home from work it may be eye opening.