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Christian Weddings
Had it out with FMIL tonight :(
So . . . quick background for those of you who don't know: BF and I met on a Christian dating site, did LD for 1 year, then I moved to his town when I finished school, but we agreed that for a temporary time, I would live with him and his mom since I didn't have a job or much money. It took a lot longer than I thought to get a job, but God provided and now I'm making plans to get my own apartment since BF and I don't want to live together before we're married (even though we've had to do it temporarily). (Sidenote: we're not officially engaged yet, so he's still just "BF" but we are planning to get engaged when he can afford a ring).
Anyway, BF and I disagree with FMIL on a lot of issues - relationships and money being the two biggest. The two of them have had lots of arguments/discussions about these things and I try to stay out of it, but things have been building for a while b/c FMIL has now "met" someone online and is so excited. I'm excited for her too (and so is BF) except she hasn't actually met this man yet and they're already discussing moving in together and getting married (they've been talking online for about 1 month). She even looked up moving costs and is figuring out how to get there.
So . . . BF and I are happy for her, but she seems to think that you can know a person very intimately in only a few weeks and know enough to plan your future with him. We've tried to caution her that she needs to slow down, but she got upset with us b/c she says that BF and I did the same thing and that we're always so negative when it comes to her relationships (she's been married and divorced twice, never married BF's father so it is true that we question her decisions, but this time we really are excited for her, but we're just cautioning her not to go too fast). She also said that she's an adult and can make her own decisions. This is very true, so BF said we'll just drop the subject and she can do whatever she wants but he's not going to help her with one dime of the moving costs. She said FINE I'm not asking for your help b/c so-and-so (the guy she's "dating") will help her pay for it.
But what really hurt me was her accusation that BF and I did the same thing. That is simply not true! When we first got in touch, we discussed our expectations for marriage (role of man/role of woman) and our Christian beliefs to make sure we were compatible in those areas but then we took time to pray and get to know each other to seek God's will for us. We did discuss future options for one of us moving since obviously we couldn't do long-distance forever, but we didn't make any definite plans until after we had spent time together in person and gotten to know each other better.
So when she brought our relationship into the conversation, I couldn't take it anymore and I said something like "if you don't want to listen to our advice, then fine, but that's why I'm moving out - because you could care less what I say" ** and then I stormed away from the dinner table and am now in my room. BF and his mom continued at it with him telling his mom to just let it go since they would never agree on this issue. He definitely stood up for me, which I'm thankful, but I feel guilty for getting upset and storming off. I feel like I owe her an apology for what I said. Even though I feel that I'm right, I shouldn't have let my anger get the better of me. I should have just kept my mouth shut. But part of me is glad I spoke up b/c I haven't said much for a long time and this has just been building.
And praise God I actually found an apartment a few days ago that looks very promising for me to move into June 1st. Of course, though, BF told me that FMIL thought I was only moving b/c of what just happened tonight. Hello! I've told her since I moved here that I would only be staying temporarily until I could get my own place. Oh well. BF has assured me that I should just let it go b/c she's stubborn and there's not point in trying to change her. It's kinda funny b/c I hear her typing in the other room - she's probably venting to her online man. Oh well. I'm just gonna let this one go. I've got plans to move out and BF and I are in agreement on this so I'm gonna look at the positive things.
Thanks for reading! I just needed to get this off my chest.
**Note: I'm moving for a whole lot of reasons, but that's just what came out of my mouth!
Anyway, BF and I disagree with FMIL on a lot of issues - relationships and money being the two biggest. The two of them have had lots of arguments/discussions about these things and I try to stay out of it, but things have been building for a while b/c FMIL has now "met" someone online and is so excited. I'm excited for her too (and so is BF) except she hasn't actually met this man yet and they're already discussing moving in together and getting married (they've been talking online for about 1 month). She even looked up moving costs and is figuring out how to get there.
So . . . BF and I are happy for her, but she seems to think that you can know a person very intimately in only a few weeks and know enough to plan your future with him. We've tried to caution her that she needs to slow down, but she got upset with us b/c she says that BF and I did the same thing and that we're always so negative when it comes to her relationships (she's been married and divorced twice, never married BF's father so it is true that we question her decisions, but this time we really are excited for her, but we're just cautioning her not to go too fast). She also said that she's an adult and can make her own decisions. This is very true, so BF said we'll just drop the subject and she can do whatever she wants but he's not going to help her with one dime of the moving costs. She said FINE I'm not asking for your help b/c so-and-so (the guy she's "dating") will help her pay for it.
But what really hurt me was her accusation that BF and I did the same thing. That is simply not true! When we first got in touch, we discussed our expectations for marriage (role of man/role of woman) and our Christian beliefs to make sure we were compatible in those areas but then we took time to pray and get to know each other to seek God's will for us. We did discuss future options for one of us moving since obviously we couldn't do long-distance forever, but we didn't make any definite plans until after we had spent time together in person and gotten to know each other better.
So when she brought our relationship into the conversation, I couldn't take it anymore and I said something like "if you don't want to listen to our advice, then fine, but that's why I'm moving out - because you could care less what I say" ** and then I stormed away from the dinner table and am now in my room. BF and his mom continued at it with him telling his mom to just let it go since they would never agree on this issue. He definitely stood up for me, which I'm thankful, but I feel guilty for getting upset and storming off. I feel like I owe her an apology for what I said. Even though I feel that I'm right, I shouldn't have let my anger get the better of me. I should have just kept my mouth shut. But part of me is glad I spoke up b/c I haven't said much for a long time and this has just been building.
And praise God I actually found an apartment a few days ago that looks very promising for me to move into June 1st. Of course, though, BF told me that FMIL thought I was only moving b/c of what just happened tonight. Hello! I've told her since I moved here that I would only be staying temporarily until I could get my own place. Oh well. BF has assured me that I should just let it go b/c she's stubborn and there's not point in trying to change her. It's kinda funny b/c I hear her typing in the other room - she's probably venting to her online man. Oh well. I'm just gonna let this one go. I've got plans to move out and BF and I are in agreement on this so I'm gonna look at the positive things.
Thanks for reading! I just needed to get this off my chest.
**Note: I'm moving for a whole lot of reasons, but that's just what came out of my mouth!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Had it out with FMIL tonight :(
[QUOTE]Ok... How your FMIL chooses to live her life is none of your business. She's right. She's an adult and doesn't need your approval. She pays for the roof over your head and you're going to judge her for getting serious too quickly or for having a child out of wedlock? And then you really want to debate whether what you did was the same as what she's doing?? Seriously?
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
How is it none of my business when her decisions directly affect me? This isn't about me giving her my approval - she doesn't need that - I'm just giving her my ideas and she doesn't want to hear them. This is not an issue of her being an adult (b/c trust me, she does make her own decisions and I don't interfer!) but it is about her respecting me and my BF and listening to our ideas. And NO I'm not judging her for having a child out of wedlock - what the heck are you talking about? That all happened before she even became a Christian so we don't even bring that up!!! But she has never dated or been married since she became a Christian and so she is going back to her old patterns. And what the heck are you talking about when you say she is paying the roof over my head? I never said that. BF pays the bills, not her. And I pitch in for my part. You're making a lot of assumptions and you totally missed the point of my post which was that I got upset with her and feel that I need to apologize - even though what I said was true, I said it out of anger and not very nicely. So I'm admiting that I'm wrong in HOW I acted, but not WHAT I said.
[QUOTE]Don't worry about losing your temper. Everyone does at one point or another- it's what makes us human. I'm glad you found a place and hopefully she'll realize that you're not trying to tell her what to do, but you just want her to be happy. Maybe the three of you can talk calmly when everyone cools down. I'm sure it will all be okay!
Posted by AshNoel8[/QUOTE]
Thank you! I do feel better now that I've had time to think calmly. I'm going to talk with her tomorrow and apologize for getting upset, but I am going to clarify that I am happy for her, but just want to protect her from getting hurt - that's why I want her to be cautious.
[QUOTE]Sorry to hear. I think it's natural for anyone to get upset over unsolicited advice, whether or not it's needed. I would just do something nice to make her feel better. You definitely wouldn't want this hanging over your future together!
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]
I agree. I'm going to talk with her tomorrow. Thanks.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Had it out with FMIL tonight :( : <strong> How is it none of my business when her decisions directly affect me? </strong>This isn't about me giving her my approval - she doesn't need that - I'm just giving her my ideas and she doesn't want to hear them. This is not an issue of her being an adult (b/c trust me, she does make her own decisions and I don't interfer!) but <strong>it is about her respecting me and my BF and listening to our ideas</strong>. And NO I'm not judging her for having a child out of wedlock - what the heck are you talking about? That all happened before she even became a Christian so we don't even bring that up!!! But she has never dated or been married since she became a Christian and so <strong>she is going back to her old patterns.</strong>
Posted by perkins81[/QUOTE]
No, you were still wrong in what you said.
Just because something might affect you by extension doesn't mean that it's your place to tell someone how to live her life. And I don't think that "respecting" you means she needs to agree with you or listen to you tell her how to live her life. That's not what respect is about.
If she wants to go back to her old pattersn, that's her prerogative. If anyone is going to say anything to her about it, it should be your BF...privately. And all it should consist of is "Hey mom, I'm concerned about XYZ. I love you and just want to make sure you realize XYZ." It is absolutely not <strong>your</strong> place to be saying these things to her...you're her son's GIRLFRIEND.
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Had it out with FMIL tonight :( : No, you were still wrong in what you said. Just because something might affect you by extension doesn't mean that it's your place to tell someone how to live her life. And I don't think that "respecting" you means she needs to agree with you or listen to you tell her how to live her life. That's not what respect is about. If she wants to go back to her old pattersn, that's her prerogative. <strong>If anyone is going to say anything to her about it, it should be your BF...privately.</strong> And all it should consist of is "Hey mom, I'm concerned about XYZ. I love you and just want to make sure you realize XYZ." It is absolutely not your place to be saying these things to her...you're her son's<strong> GIRLFRIEND</strong>.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
Except that she keeps bringing it up in front of both of us - remember, we all live at the same house, so of course her business is going to be my business if she keeps talking about it with me. . . . So apparently, since I only have the title "girlfriend" it means someone who keeps quiet and isn't allowed to say anything??? Even though I'm technically her roommate and future daughter in law, I'm not allowed to give advice or offer my opinions, even when she brings up the subject with me, since I'm just the "girlfriend"? That doesn't make any sense. She's talking to me woman to woman about her life - am I just supposed to shrug my shoulders and not respond?
I'm confident in my relationship with her and we have discussed what happened last night. We're both cool with it and no harm done so I guess that proves it <em>is</em> ok for me to talk with her, even though I'm just the "girlfriend."
Last night, I apologized to her and made it clear that BF and I both are happy for her and that he has our blessing. I apologized for getting upset and offending her. She was cool with it and today when I saw her, it was like it never happened. And her relationship with this guy is blossoming even more, so I'm very happy for her.
Even if we are saved by the grace of Jesus' death and ressurection, we still sin. We are broken people who hurt each other and God and need to routinely forgive and ask forgiveness.
When forgiveness is necessary between me and another person, I naturally think I am right, so I used to find myself praying something like: "God, change them and bless me to handle this situation" When really what I should have been praying is "God, change me and bless them" because even when I feel like I am right, there is almost always something that I am wrong about and need to repent of.
So, what I am trying to say is that maybe you should humbly ask God to reveal your true fault in this situation and repent for sinning against him and your boyfriend's mother. No one on this thread can tell you what lies at the heart of this problem, but God can convict your heart and hopefully the heart of your boyfriend's mother so that there can be reconciliation between both of you.
[QUOTE]Can I please give a caution that I've learned in my own life and still fail at? Even if we are saved by the grace of Jesus' death and ressurection, we still sin. We are broken people who hurt each other and God and need to routinely forgive and ask forgiveness. When forgiveness is necessary between me and another person, I naturally think I am right, so I used to find myself praying something like: "God, change them and bless me to handle this situation" When really what I should have been praying is "God, change me and bless them" because even when I feel like I am right, there is almost always something that I am wrong about and need to repent of. So, what I am trying to say is that maybe you should humbly ask God to reveal your true fault in this situation and repent for sinning against him and your boyfriend's mother. No one on this thread can tell you what lies at the heart of this problem, but God can convict your heart and hopefully the heart of your boyfriend's mother so that there can be reconciliation between both of you.
Posted by KristyIan11[/QUOTE]
I agree with you, but did you read my recent post? We have reconciled:
"Last night, I apologized to her and made it clear that BF and I both are happy for her and that she has our blessing. I apologized for getting upset and offending her. She was cool with it and today when I saw her, it was like it never happened. And her relationship with this guy is blossoming even more, so I'm very happy for her."