Bridesmaid's wedding

daniellerenee12 · June 2010

Hi! I have a dilemma. I just got engaged 2 months ago. But my fiance and I have been waiting to set a date because I was graduating from school and moving back to the states (things were kind of crazy). Nonetheless, we just set a date a week ago. I decided to let my bridesmaids know. Come to find out that one of them just got engaged herself and set her date for a week after mine. NO!!!!! She's super excited and wants to plan them together. Totally not what I want!! She has been married before and has already had her special day (which I was there for). I don't want to be selfish but I want to be selfish. I don't know what to do. Should I change my date? Ask her to change hers? Follow through with my plans and not worry about her? This really sucks!! Help please!!

bablingbrooke · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:4e5d3f13-4875-4949-81e5-b939250d596b">Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi! I have a dilemma. I just got engaged 2 months ago. But my fiance and I have been waiting to set a date because I was graduating from school and moving back to the states (things were kind of crazy). Nonetheless, we just set a date a week ago. I decided to let my bridesmaids know. Come to find out that one of them just got engaged herself and set her date for a week after mine. NO!!!!! She's super excited and wants to plan them together. Totally not what I want!! She has been married before and has already had her special day (which I was there for). I don't want to be selfish but I want to be selfish. I don't know what to do. Should I change my date? Ask her to change hers? Follow through with my plans and not worry about her? This really sucks!! Help please!!
Posted by daniellerenee12[/QUOTE]
If this is truly how you feel, you're neither mature enough nor rational enough to get married. Sorry. And selfish to boot.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

[QUOTE]Hi! I have a dilemma. I just got engaged 2 months ago. But my fiance and I have been waiting to set a date because I was graduating from school and moving back to the states (things were kind of crazy). Nonetheless, we just set a date a week ago. I decided to let my bridesmaids know. Come to find out that one of them just got engaged herself and set her date for a week after mine. NO!!!!! She's super excited and wants to plan them together. Totally not what I want!! She has been married before and has already had her special day (which I was there for). I don't want to be selfish but I want to be selfish. I don't know what to do. Should I change my date? Ask her to change hers? <strong>Follow through with my plans and not worry about her?</strong> This really sucks!! Help please!!
Posted by daniellerenee12[/QUOTE]
The third option. You get one day, not a week or a month or a season.

Your wedding is in April. April is wedding season. Many people want to get married during a particular time of year or are scheduling around family members' schedules and other events, including other weddings.

As long as your guest lists don't have a huge overlap of out of town guests, it will be fine.

jagore08 · June 2010

Ditto what gotta said.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Also, how dare you think that just because she was married once before she isn't entitled to a wedding now? Seriously? I hope you are just making things up to stir up shiit because frankly your attitude is horrible.

banana468 · June 2010

Did you set a date but actually book things? Make sure you've done that before you say, "This is the date."

And then if that's the date and they're a week apart, the answer is you deal with it.

I do have to echo PPs though. To say that she was married once to imply that you get more solo wedding time is a very selfish thing to say. Instead, be excited that your friend and you are planning to be with your special loves at the same time.

tidetravel · June 2010

Clearly, she is not BM material. I suggest kicking her out of the WP now, before the drama starts. I mean, what happens if she has more money than you do, and throws a super, duper, awesomer wedding than you? Your friends will TOTALLY talk behind your back. PLUS, she'll be too caught up in her own wedding to perform her crucial BM duties, such as throwing you a shower, taking you to Vegas for you B-party, and wiping your butt on your wedding day.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Tide, god forbid in three years she has a baby a week after her that's cuter than hers.

tidetravel · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:7aa31145-0239-481c-9a21-21ec3f740d35">Re: Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Tide, god forbid in three years she has a baby a week after her that's cuter than hers.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
For realz. She's probably better off just cutting BM out of her life entirely.

jenn.daniel · June 2010

I don't see why it's a big deal. We know a couple getting married the week before us. I never thought that was a bad thing.

MyNameIsNot · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:f1f4bef7-c8df-420a-9c48-fe828545f214">Re: Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid's wedding : If this is truly how you feel, you're neither mature enough nor rational enough to get married. Sorry. And selfish to boot.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>

loop0406 · June 2010

You're getting married a week before her so I don't see the problem. If you don't want to plan things together then you don't have to, even though she is in BP.

Just because she was married before, doesn't mean it's not going to be a special day. You never know if you end up remarried too so it's not nice to make those comments. Even if someone gets married 4-5 times, each time should be 'special day'

daniellerenee12 · June 2010

The big deal is that if I get married a week before her and plan to have the honeymoon right after, I will not be able to attend her wedding. Also, she has already made plans for me in be a BM in her wedding. So, do I hold off on the honeymoon? I mentioned that she was married before to stress that fact that I has there for her before....and I would like the same (I WAS IMPLYING NOTHING MORE!!!). And I want to be there for her also. But I think it will be a little difficult to to plan mine and also help her plan hers. And same for her (plan her own, and help me at the same time). Anyway, thanks for the input!

bablingbrooke · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:357fdb58-dc45-484b-a2a7-6ee61db83727">Re: Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The big deal is that if I get married a week before her and plan to have the honeymoon right after, I will not be able to attend her wedding. Also, she has already made plans for me in be a BM in her wedding. So, do I hold off on the honeymoon? I mentioned that she was married before to stress that fact that I has there for her before....and I would like the same (I WAS IMPLYING NOTHING MORE!!!). And I want to be there for her also. But I think it will be a little difficult to to plan mine and also help her plan hers. And same for her (plan her own, and help me at the same time). Anyway, thanks for the input!
Posted by daniellerenee12[/QUOTE]
Well, none of that gels with your first post where you said that 1) she's already been married so she shouldn't get to "steal" your spotlight because you're a first-time bride, 2) you want to be selfish about the date, 3) you REALLY don't want to plan with her. So nice attempt at backtracking, but I'm not buying it.<div>
</div><div>You don't have a date until you've booked your venue. We had four wedding dates at four different points because of venue issues. So you don't know yet that you're actually getting married a week apart.</div><div>
</div><div>We had our HM almost six months after our wedding and don't feel like we missed out on anything. So you can hold off if you want. Or you can go and not be in her wedding. The choice is yours. </div>

daniellerenee12 · June 2010

To Bablingbrooke: Wow! I'm sensing some bitterness?!? To show how MATURE I am, I'm not going to tell you how I really feel about our comments nor sink to the level of using curse words. But perhaps YOU should re-evaluate YOUR definition of rationality and maturity. Because from the comments you posted from a snippet of the entire situation proves your lack of rationality and maturity. I understand that I was seeking advice, but HOW DARE YOU!! Do you have nothing better to do than to sit on The Knot and reply to post as if you're the Wedding Queen? Please GET A LIFE, darling!!
p.s. there is no need to reply to this, I am done with you

tidetravel · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:4aa3fe0c-8b3c-4a19-a0a3-8b368db9c712">Re: Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]To Bablingbrooke: Wow! I'm sensing some bitterness?!? To show how MATURE I am, I'm not going to tell you how I really feel about our comments nor sink to the level of using curse words. But perhaps YOU should re-evaluate YOUR definition of rationality and maturity. Because from the comments you posted from a snippet of the entire situation proves your lack of rationality and maturity. I understand that I was seeking advice, but HOW DARE YOU!! <strong>Do you have nothing better to do than to sit on The Knot and reply to post as if you're the Wedding Queen?</strong> Please GET A LIFE, darling!! p.s. there is no need to reply to this, I am done with you
Posted by daniellerenee12[/QUOTE]
You need to calm the eff down.

Here's how you could have worded it, if you meant it the way you are now saying that you did:

"My BM just got engaged, and I am SO happy for her. However, they want to set their wedding date a week after mine. I'm worried because if she sets that date, I don't think I'll be able to be to make it to the wedding, because I'll be on my honeymoon."

But, you didn't. Here's what stood out from that post, just going on memory:

"My BM already had her special day"
"She wants us to plan together. That's not WHAT I WANT!"
"I want to be selfish."

Clearly, Brooke wasn't the only poster who read OP that way.

If you are truly concerned about the HM, then just schedule it after her wedding. There's no rule that says you MUST have it immediately following the wedding, or else your marriage isn't valid.

ETA: Actually, No. I don't have anything better to do than sit on the computer and knot. I'm stuck in a hotel for the next 8 weeks without a car. So, my options are: eat, sleep or knot. YWIA.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:4aa3fe0c-8b3c-4a19-a0a3-8b368db9c712">Re: Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]To Bablingbrooke: Wow! I'm sensing some bitterness?!? To show how MATURE I am, I'm not going to tell you how I really feel about our comments nor sink to the level of using curse words. But perhaps YOU should re-evaluate YOUR definition of rationality and maturity. Because from the comments you posted from a snippet of the entire situation proves your lack of rationality and maturity. I understand that I was seeking advice, but HOW DARE YOU!! Do you have nothing better to do than to sit on The Knot and reply to post as if you're the Wedding Queen? Please GET A LIFE, darling!! p.s. there is no need to reply to this, I am done with you
Posted by daniellerenee12[/QUOTE]
Oh grow the eff up. <div>
</div><div>I'm trying to talk some sense into you, little girl, as both a former bride who had a perfect wedding (and still is friends with all her BMs) and as a human being trying to stop you from ruining your friendships because you think you're entitled to be a princess for a day. No, scratch that, longer than a day according to you.</div><div>
</div><div>You wanted advice. You got it. If you don't like it, don't follow it. But I think you'll regret following your impulses.</div><div>
</div><div>And no, it's not bitterness you sense (why would I be bitter? I had a great wedding) but rather disappointment in you and your attitude.</div>

tidetravel · June 2010

Brooke - I think OP is about to take her ball back.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Meh, she's beyond help IMHO.

vsgal · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:357fdb58-dc45-484b-a2a7-6ee61db83727">Re: Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>The big deal is that if I get married a week before her and plan to have the honeymoon right after, I will not be able to attend her wedding. Also, she has already made plans for me in be a BM in her wedding. So, do I hold off on the honeymoon?</strong> I mentioned that she was married before to stress that fact that I has there for her before....and I would like the same (I WAS IMPLYING NOTHING MORE!!!). And I want to be there for her also. But I think it will be a little difficult to to plan mine and also help her plan hers. And same for her (plan her own, and help me at the same time). Anyway, thanks for the input!
Posted by daniellerenee12[/QUOTE]

So hold off on the honeymoon for a week. It is not a big deal. If you want to be in her wedding and if she still wants you to be in hers, then you can make the adjustments. Don't dictate the timing of someone else's life. Don't insist that she change her date. You get one day--not a week, not a month. The world doesn't revolve around your wedding date unless you are the sun.

By the way, stomping your feet, throwing a temper tantrum ala a 4 year old and lashing out at the regulars on the boards will not get you any cookies.

vsgal · June 2010

One more thing, the only one who helps to plan your wedding is your FI, not the wedding party. She is off the hook on this one. It should not be that difficult that you and your future hubby can't manage alone.

banana468 · June 2010

Why can't you postpone the honeymoon? Plenty of people don't take one right away - and if my dearest friend was getting married even for the 2nd time, I'd postpone the HM by a week or months if needed.

I think you're making a much bigger deal out of this than you need to.

MyNameIsNot · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:4aa3fe0c-8b3c-4a19-a0a3-8b368db9c712">Re: Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]To Bablingbrooke: Wow! I'm sensing some bitterness?!? To show how MATURE I am, I'm not going to tell you how I really feel about our comments nor sink to the level of using curse words. But perhaps YOU should re-evaluate YOUR definition of rationality and maturity. Because from the comments you posted from a snippet of the entire situation proves your lack of rationality and maturity. I understand that I was seeking advice, but HOW DARE YOU!! Do you have nothing better to do than to sit on The Knot and reply to post as if you're the Wedding Queen? Please GET A LIFE, darling!! p.s. there is no need to reply to this, I am done with you
Posted by daniellerenee12[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You need to go calm down. You are behaving like a 4 year old here, when people are just trying to help you. You are taking a tiny thing and making it into a huge thing, for no reason.</div><div>
</div><div>Do you get some sort of enjoyment out of starting drama with your friends?</div><div>
</div>

jagore08 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:4aa3fe0c-8b3c-4a19-a0a3-8b368db9c712">Re: Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]To Bablingbrooke: Wow! I'm sensing some bitterness?!? To show how MATURE I am, I'm not going to tell you how I really feel about our comments nor sink to the level of using curse words. But perhaps YOU should re-evaluate YOUR definition of rationality and maturity. Because from the comments you posted from a snippet of the entire situation proves your lack of rationality and maturity. I understand that I was seeking advice, but HOW DARE YOU!! <strong>Do you have nothing better to do than to sit on The Knot and reply to post as if you're the Wedding Queen? Please GET A LIFE, darling!! p.s. there is no need to reply to this, I am done with you</strong>
Posted by daniellerenee12[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is not a new comment. We hear it all the time and all we think when we hear this is that you don't like all the advice you're getting because it's not what you want to hear. Advice isn't supposed to be validation to your feelings. Take it or leave it.

</div>

bablingbrooke · June 2010

And to answer OP's question, I'm a world cup widow today, so I might as well knot

mbcdefg · June 2010

Did you book the ceremony and reception sites yet? If not, this entire point is moot because your date isn't really "set" until these two things are booked. Saying, "We want our wedding to be on June 12!" is not setting your date.

Ditto for your friend. If she did neither of these things yet, then her date is not set yet and you may be whining for nothing.

If you DID book your ceremony and reception sites, and so did she, then either postpone your honeymoon, take a mini-moon and come back in time for her wedding and then take a bigger and longer honeymoon later on, or keep your honeymoon as scheduled and decline being at/in her wedding*.

I don't know what else you want us to tell you. Whining to her, "You need to change your date because my wedding is the week before?" is just going to make you come across to her, and everyone else, as a gigantic brat.

*Did you even schedule a honeymoon yet, if you only set your date recently? This also makes all this crap a moot point, because you might decide on a cruise or on a location where you need to adhere to a certain schedule, and you might very well end up HAVING to wait a week or two after your wedding to go on the honeymoon.

tldh · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:abc7c648-ae8e-49af-aefa-9b0e59a50b62Post:4aa3fe0c-8b3c-4a19-a0a3-8b368db9c712">Re: Bridesmaid's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]To Bablingbrooke: Wow! I'm sensing some bitterness?!? To show how MATURE I am, I'm not going to tell you how I really feel about our comments nor sink to the level of using curse words. But perhaps YOU should re-evaluate YOUR definition of rationality and maturity. Because from the comments you posted from a snippet of the entire situation proves your lack of rationality and maturity. I understand that I was seeking advice, but HOW DARE YOU!! Do you have nothing better to do than to sit on The Knot and reply to post as if you're the Wedding Queen? Please GET A LIFE, darling!! p.s. there is no need to reply to this, I am done with you
Posted by daniellerenee12[/QUOTE]

So the truth hurts does it?

It isn't so much what you said but how you said it. We all get the desire to insist on being the center of the world during the duration of our engagements and weeks surrounding the wedding. The difference is, we know better than to act on it in a negative way.

megk8oz · June 2010

I got married the week after Christmas. I totally had to Ro Sham Bo Jesus for it ... it never should have even come to that because he's already had over 2,000 birthdays and it was only my first wedding. Either way, I won. So if you celebrated Christmas last year, it was based on a lie.

Wedding planning is only as hard as the couple involved chooses to make it. So if you find planning a wedding alongside a good friend stressful, you're doing something wrong. You can't require help from your BP, just like your friend can't require it from hers. And the only people who are required to plan are the bride and groom (Or, if parents are paying for the wedding, they get a hand in things, too).

Plan your wedding and honeymoon. Be happy for your friend. Let her plan her wedding and honeymoon. You say you've both set the date, but does that mean you both booked your ceremony and reception locations? Because, I really wouldn't bother even worrying about the 2 dates until you both actually have something booked. You don't have to go on your honeymoon immediately after the wedding, that is completely up to you. And even then, you let her know "Well, the wedding is x date, and we'll be gone on the honeymoon for y-z". If you can't make her wedding based on that, the ball is in her court to either deal with your absence or move her date. So, just chill and enjoy planning.

emilyinchile · June 2010

If you're an adult, you should be used to making adult decisions. Sometimes that means you don't get to do every fun thing you want to or that you have to compromise.

If both dates are actually set in stone (as PPs have mentioned, nothing's certain until you've both booked things), then make a grown up decision about whether you'd rather go on your honeymoon right away or be in your friend's wedding. I honestly don't see what's so hard about that.

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