I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.

Amt2109 · February 2012

Wow. Ok. Lots of different opinions here.

OP, my sister is like yours. She's in a relationship with a woman currently, and is the 'man' for want of a better term. I asked her if she'd want to stand up with me... she didn't feel comfortable being in the limelight like that. She didn't want to be stuck with the girls, because she didn't feel comfortable there, and didn't want to be heaped with the men (like, in a bachelor party) because she doesn't right there either. My even asking her caused her to become upset, which upset me, because I just wanted her there with me.

Look, folks. This isn't one of those situations where you dictate "you WILL wear this dress". If I did that to my sister, she would NEVER talk to me again, because it would mean everything she'd worked towards, and all the acceptance/tolerance she thought I had for her would have been a lie. And she'd be right.

I hope you can find a compromise, OP. My sister decided she'd probably wear nice pants and a blazer to the wedding. Tell your FI that some things are more important than pictures. Imagine how you'll feel in two, ten, twenty years when you look at the pictures and either not seeing your sister there, or seeing her as something she isn't? He needs to show tolerance and acceptance for this now, or tbh, and this may be harsh - I'd be rethinking things. This is your sister, your blood. Find a way to make her feel comfortable.

em01092 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_want-sister-bridesmaid-she-gay-like-doesnt-wear-dresses-gay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e5148c9a-784b-483e-a9b2-20a5d09a3001Post:8dfe1e18-d80d-4a6d-a379-48978f4d3f5c">Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Ok. Lots of different opinions here. OP, my sister is like yours. She's in a relationship with a woman currently, and is the 'man' for want of a better term. I asked her if she'd want to stand up with me... she didn't feel comfortable being in the limelight like that. She didn't want to be stuck with the girls, because she didn't feel comfortable there, and didn't want to be heaped with the men (like, in a bachelor party) because she doesn't right there either. My even asking her caused her to become upset, which upset me, because I just wanted her there with me. Look, folks. This isn't one of those situations where you dictate "you WILL wear this dress". If I did that to my sister, she would NEVER talk to me again, because it would mean everything she'd worked towards, and all the acceptance/tolerance she thought I had for her would have been a lie. And she'd be right. I hope you can find a compromise, OP. My sister decided she'd probably wear nice pants and a blazer to the wedding. <strong>Tell your FI that some things are more important than pictures. Imagine how you'll feel in two, ten, twenty years when you look at the pictures and either not seeing your sister there, or seeing her as something she isn't? He needs to show tolerance and acceptance for this now, or tbh, and this may be harsh - I'd be rethinking things. This is your sister, your blood. Find a way to make her feel comfortable.</strong>
Posted by Amt2109[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Good points all around, but I agree with this. Is your relationship with your sister worth all of this? I'm sorry but I don't equate this situation on the same level as a BM biitching because she doesn't like a particular color or style. If she just was complaing because yellow doesn't look good on her or she hates knee length because she has cankles, I'd say GTFO it. </div><div>
</div><div>This is asking her to wear something that portrays her as something she feels she is not. It seems she identifies more with a male role and feels better in male clothing. I know that if someone asked me to don a tux, I'd feel weird as helll about that, so just try to think of it in that perspective.

</div>

davenport52803 · February 2012

maybe there is more to the story. those saying she should wear a dress need to know more information before they can say that. maybe she identifies as a male. without knowing this information, you cant really make a decision. would you make a guy wear a dress because its "your wedding". regardless, if she doesnt feel comfortable in a dress, dont make her wear one. I'd say the same whether she is gay, straight or whatever. For my wedding I've got a close friend I thought would prefer to wear a suit, but she wants to wear a dress. thats cool with me.

kmmssg · February 2012

I certainly think it would be a huge, disprectful disaster to make her wear a dress as some pp's think would be reasonable. She needs to be who she is and when you see her in your pictures later on, you will want to see her for who she is.

That being said, would she consider a pantsuit that coordinates with your colors? It is between you and your sister what she wears and your FI needs to butt out. If he loves you he needs to love your relationship with her and put that first.

MakenziLea · February 2012

One of my best friends is a gay male, he'll be wearing a tux on my side with my BM. If your sister doesn't want to wear a dress, it's ok. Just let her wear a tux (or whatever makes her feel comfortable) and have her on your side. I'm also having my BM wear black so the photos look a little more consistent with the black tuxes...plus black is SO flattering on everyone and goes well with the colors I'm doing. Best of luck to you :-)

sonya+adam · February 2012

I don't see why it is so unfathomable to let her wear a tux. If it really means that much to you that she stands up there with you, let her know that, and tell her that you'd want her to be comfortable in what she's wearing. Let her pick what she wears and just let her know that it just needs to match, which, as you said, is black and extremely easy to match.

stefaniewattie · February 2012

I honestly am really torn on this one - on one hand, she KNOWS her sister, therefore this shouldnt be a surprise. And I dont think anyone should have to be brutally uncomfortable.
On the other hand, the ONLY job of a bridesmaid is to get the outfit, and show up day of wearing said outfit, clean and sober. SHE knew what she was getting into when she agreed to be a bridesmaid.
Im sorry and I hope this doesnt come across as rude, but why does her sexual orientation have anything to do with what she wears? My cousin is gay, and he still wears jeans and tee shirts like any straight guy, and my lesbian friend still rocks a dress when we go out. Whereas a straight girlfriend of mine dreads any time she might have to wear a dress. (who fyi, is my MOH, and guess what? shes wearing a dress!) it has - or at least it shouldnt have anything to do with their sexual orientation.
If she doesnt want to buy the dress, she removes herself from the WP. Maybe thats harsh, but I would never bend over backwards like that for a BM, I asked the girls what they would prefer, if there was anything they wanted me to try and stay away from and budget. A couple said please no strapless and another said please no yellow, but they all said if I loved something that had those things, they would still wear it. I chose floor length, eggplant colored one shoulder dresses.
She agreed to be a bridesmaid, thats the ONLY job she has and she cant even do that?

Honestly OP if one of my BM's acted like this, I would assume they just simply dont want to be in the WP - especially since you have offered alternatives and been more than accomodating. But, shes not just a friend, shes your sister, talk to her just be prepared for the fact that she probably just wanted an out.

davenport52803 · February 2012

My cousin is gay, and he still wears jeans and tee shirts like any straight guy, and my lesbian friend still rocks a dress when we go out. Whereas a straight girlfriend of mine dreads any time she might have to wear a dress. (who fyi, is my MOH, and guess what? shes wearing a dress!) it has - or at least it shouldnt have anything to do with their sexual

Being gay might not be the issue. Until you talk to her sister and ask her some candid question you have no idea what the real problem is. It sounds like there is more going on here than we have been told. Also--just because someone is gay doesnt mean they like to dress like the opposite sex FYI. There are plenty of women---Hillary Clinton, who wear pant suits all the time. There could also be a deeper situation here with her sister. Maybe her sister doesnt idenitfy as a lesbian but as a male altogether. Without having any of this information I dont know why you think she should wear the dress.

And to the poster who said she hopes she doesnt come off as homophobic because she has gay friends, thats probably not a good choice of words. I couldnt tell you how many racist/homophobic people i've met thru the years who've said the same thing.

Again, this is a situation that unless you know her sister and know the whole complete story I dont think you can offer much advise.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

OP, please let us know what happened.

Maybe your sister doesn't feel comfortable as a bridesmaid, not just because she needs to wear a dress, but also because it is such a typically girlie role. Maybe it would help if you explain to her that nowadays, many girls have brothers or male friends standing up for them as well, and if she were your brother, you'd ask her to be in your wedding party too (obviously, only do this if you truly believe this, if you have a brother that you didn't ask, this won't help). You don't want her to be 'one of the girls', you just want her to be there. I agree with the suggestion from some pp not to call her a 'maid' but something like attendant, or whatever else feels good (my MOH calls herself 'best woman').

If in the end, there is no way that she could feel comfortable in your wedding party, you need to accept that. It is her right to say 'no' to such a question. Figure out together how you can make her an important part of your ceremony, for example by letting her do a reading, like pp suggested.

Traceya17 · March 2013

Aw sweetie I am in this same exact boat. Just Googled what to do if your BM is gay and doesn't want to wear a dress. Your question popped up. So I am very grateful that I am not the only one dealing with this issue. My 20 year old daughter is gay and also told me that I am asking her to be something she is not. I want her to stand beside me because I love her so very much and we have been through so much over the years. This is my first marriage and I don't know what to do if she isn't right there. I am told by my fiance and another BM to let her wear a suit. I do like the idea of the the cummerbund in the same color if dresses. Though my girls dresses are black as well! Lol. So I think with out getting too upset both of us just need to do what we feel in our hearts. If you want her there then that is it. In a dress or tux she will be by your side. In 10 yrs, heck the next day even, who will really care what she wore. What matters is she had your hand in all of this and will be your sister forever. Good luck my friend!!

I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.

Re: I want my sister to be a bridesmaid. She is gay, like, doesn't wear dresses gay. Help.

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