Mommy woes?

Re: Mommy woes?

• kyrgyzstan member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  FI is not the first Marine I've been involved with. My mom was not psyched, since she thinks dating a civilian would make me change my mind about the military. She's wrong, and that never worked out for me (Stan's date: "I'm sorry, you want to do WHAT?! You want to deploy?!"). Since I'm financially independent, lived on my own, etc. it was a non issue. She now, after three years, adores FI. It just took time. And we're 26/28, so that probably helps. How old are you? I was married when I was 20, and my mom is far more psyched about my marriage now (because it's also the right time/man) than she was when I idiotically got married at 20.

  
  

  I would have loved for my mom to be involved with the wedding planning and such. At 26, I've come to realize that I have the mother I do. I can invite her to be involved, but at the end of the day, it's a waste of time and emotion to be bummed if she's not uber involved. It's just not her.

  
  

  I hate Dave Ramsey

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• USMCBride90

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  Thanks for your response Stan. My mom's reasoning from what I've gathered from some of her comments in the past: She wonders why I would put myself through the distance and lonlieness. She doesn't want me to move away, she thinks I'll just throw all my goals down the drain to follow FI around, she thinks military men are abusive, etc. The way I see it,  that's part of life. (Minus the miitary men being abusive part). You go to school, college, move away if you choose to, spread your wings, and be your own person. I love my family dearly, but I'm creating my own life for myself with FI, and I will not give up on my own goals. He plans on reenlisting and making a career out of the Marines. I support him in that and he supports my goals. I'm 23 years old and FI is 22. We don't plan on getting married for another year or so.
   
  I've realized that I can' t make my mom do anything or change her mindset. Only she can do that. It would be great if she got rid of some of her preconceived notions about certain things, but only time will tell. It's just a frustrating situation to be in.

  

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• calindi member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm really sorry you're in that situation.  Stan gave you great advice, and I'll just say you can't choose your family, you can just choose to deal with the family you've got.  They're not perfect, and we all tend to have our faults - some people are more judgemental, some are protective, etc.  Just remind your Mom why you love him, that you are looking out for your own best interests and that he is looking out for your best interests, too.  Invite her to be included, but remember that no one (including your own Mom) is as excited about your wedding as you.
  
  For what it's worth, we all have our family members with issues.  My grandma asked me how I could marry a baby killer (she passed on some really ridiculous spam email about Marines shooting babies or some junk).  But then again, I don't particularly like this grandma anyway, so her opinion matters very little. 
  
  I also had a bad history with Marines - I dated one who turned out to be married.  I would not have gone within 5 feet of a man who was even dating someone, let alone married, so I was furious and hurt when I found out.  It was shortly after that that I met FI, who was then a civilian.  Once we started dating, he told me he wanted to become a Marine.  I had my own preconceived notions and experiences to overcome, but just as one man is not another, one Marine is not another.  Each person can only be themselves.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• iluvmytxrgr member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I think you need to sit her down and tell her exactly what you just typed out. 

  Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

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• SarahP787

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_mommy-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:c50ed937-8798-41e5-b9ae-0cb862196944Post:d978a168-fd6b-436d-ba6e-b252b3a88982">Re: Mommy woes?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thanks for your response Stan. My mom's reasoning from what I've gathered from some of her comments in the past: She wonders why I would put myself through the distance and lonlieness. She doesn't want me to move away, <strong>she thinks I'll just throw all my goals down the drain to follow FI around</strong>, she thinks military men are abusive, etc. The way I see it,  that's part of life. (Minus the miitary men being abusive part). You go to school, college, move away if you choose to, spread your wings, and be your own person. I love my family dearly, but I'm creating my own life for myself with FI, and I will not give up on my own goals. He plans on reenlisting and making a career out of the Marines. I support him in that and he supports my goals. I'm 23 years old and FI is 22. We don't plan on getting married for another year or so.   I've realized that I can' t make my mom do anything or change her mindset. Only she can do that. It would be great if she got rid of some of her preconceived notions about certain things, but only time will tell. It's just a frustrating situation to be in.
  Posted by USMCBride90[/QUOTE]
  
  My Mom was very not thrilled about me dating then BF/now FI because she was convinced I would drop out of school to be with him. Granted, I'm pretty head over heels in love with the guy so I can see why she might have worried about that. But now I'm halfway through my program, and Mom can see I'm not throwing my goals out for him after all.
  
  I'd say, if it really is important to you that your Mom be on board for the wedding, the only way to get there is with lots of time and consistantly demonstrating that your relationship isn't what she is assuming. But that would probably mean delaying the wedding a lot longer than you were planning.

  

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• LetsHikeToday member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  My mom was also worried about me dating/marrying someone in the Navy. None of our family members are in the military so it was a new concept for her. She is worried and sad about me moving away; however, she understands that it is best for H to stay in.
  
  I think when my mom realized how much H loves me, she became more comfortable with it.
  
  I'm sure she'll be really sad when we have kids and don't live by her but it is what it is. She is now comfortable with it.

  

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• USMCBride90

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  Thank you everyone for your responses. It helps just to get it all out in the open. This has been going on for quite some time, and I just don't understand anymore. I don't want to delay the wedding longer than a year if we can help it. FI really wants her approval, as do I. But at the same time, I don't want to wait around for someone who isn't willing to even TRY to accept our lifestyle when I've done everything I can on my part. At least I think I have. I've proven to her that I can hold my own while I'm alone, that I can manage a full time job, that I'm continuing my education. She needs to see that I'll continue to do those things even after we get married and I move out there. I wish she could see that he's not just some guy who's in the military who's trying to marry for the benefits or who will turn abusive. I guess at some point I need to sit down with FI and talk about how long we're willing to wait for her to come around before we decide on a date. I know he would wait forever if he had to because he knows how important it is to me and he's a big family man. But I plan on starting our lives together and being happy together as soon as possible. I think I'll see what happens after the next few visits when he's able to come home and sit down with my family and talk. I hope my mom will start to have an open mind and see the love we have for each other. If she was willing to hear it, I could tell her all of the good things that he does and how much we've made it through together as a couple, and how strong our relationship is. I really appreciate all the replies!

  

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• calindi member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I think sometimes if you try too hard to prove something to someone, it becomes a vicious cycle.  Just go ahead with your plans, set a date, and tell her that you love her and want her to be a part of it, but that this is what you have decided to do, that you love him and want to spend your life with him, and you hope she'll come to support you both.  She'll either get on the bandwagon or she won't.  It might be a year or two after you get married before she accepts it.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  a military MOB POV/question - have you shared with her about any past troubles with your FI?  Maybe when you broke up when he graduated Boot Camp?
  
  The reason I ask is this - if my DD (who will ALWAYS be my baby) comes to me and tells me her BF/SO/FI/DH has done something that has hurt her terribly or made her very sad it is a sure bet my opinion of said offender has changed.
  
  Now, my DD may forgive/forget, but mom's aren't so quick to do this.  Way back when DD #1 was first married she called me in tears and the way she was carrying on I was sure her DH had done something that might be a deal breaker. The Mom Bear in me gets ready to wake up.
  
  She told me what he did and it wasn't a dealbreaker.  It was pretty thoughtless but as men often do, he wasn't thinking.  If he had cheated, been doing illegal drugs,  etc I would not forgive and forget quite so easily.  I would always know he hurt my DD badly.
  
  Any chance something like this could be what is eating at your mom?   
  

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• USMCBride90

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  Calindi - I think you are very correct. I did exactly what you said a long time ago and gave up on trying to prove things to her and just went forward. I didn't talk to her about our relationship, and figured she would when she was ready. And I left it at that. I did the same when we got engaged. I called her the day after and told her the news and listened as she said that she wishes she could be happy for us, but she just can't right now. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way and that I hope she would be happy for us in the future, and went forward. Lately I've been thinking about it alot more and wanting her approval, but you may be right. If things don't go as well as I hope while FI is home on leave, then I might just tell him let's set a date. I know that he really wants my mom to come around before we do so he can have a good relationship with her as well, but we've done what we can.
  
  kmmssg - That's another great point. Yes, my mom was not a fan of his after we broke up after he graduated boot. That plays a huge factor in all of this. I've told my family that people go through a lot of changes during boot camp and that sometimes it takes awhile for them to adjust afterwards. My mom does not understand that, and has a biased opinion from a previous engagement to an abusive Marine. For me, it wasn't a deal breaker beacause I knew that in a way, those changes were to be expected after boot. I gave him his time to go back to normal, and we haven't had any problems. Thank you for giving your thoughts from another perspective

  

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• calindi member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  There's no reason he can't have a good relationship with her - just acknowledge that she may be a bit overprotective and holding a grudge, that she wants to be happy for you, and just move forward.  You aren't doing it behind her back, let her know everything so it isn't like you're trying to do it against her wishes.  Just let her know that you love her and hope she'll be there, and that you know she'll come to love him as a son-in-law the more she gets to know him.
  
  Similar but not the same - when I first told my parents that I wanted to study abroad in China, it was during the avian flu craze.  So they told me over their dead bodies would they permit me to go study there - my sweet Mom even told me to "Shut the f*** up"!!!  I simply told them that I knew they didn't agree, but I knew this was what was best for me and that by the time I went, they would be happy for me.  I just presumptively told them that I was going, even though I knew they'd have to agree since they would have to pay for it, but that they would change their minds.  And sure enough, they did!  It didn't mean they weren't worried, but they understood.  And now they think it's the best thing I ever did.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• USMCBride90

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  Calindi, that's a great way to look at it. My dad is completely opposite on the whole situation. When I told him that FI and I were engaged, he had a feeling it was coming. He wasn't jumping for joy by any means, but he told me that if I was happy then he was happy, and that he just wants his family to be happy. He aslo said that we all need to get together and chat next time FI comes home, and we are more than happy to do that. We're hoping he can come home next month, and then possibly for Christmas, which would be really nice so we could get some time in with my family. I think I'll take your advice. I think that's a great way to go about it. I keep telling myself that it will all work out and that in time, she'll come around. If she does before the wedding, that would be great, I couldn't ask for anything more. If not, then hopefully she can be happy for us down the road. I want her to see that this is not in any way some sort of plan to abandon my family and move away. That it's just me growing up and creating a life with FI. I guess I just gotta grow some balls, bite the bullet and tell my family that THIS is what I'm doing. I can still do that and be respectful at the same time

  

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