Cash Only For Baby, Please?

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

Hi all, FI and I just found out 2 weeks ago that we are pregnant, surprise! This has thrown a wrench into some of our wedding plans as we're now trying to save most of our money for our new baby. I'm trying to figure out how I can let our guests that were planning to bring a gift know that we've cancelled our registries and just want cash? I know some may have already purchased their gifts for the showers and wedding, and they will be greatly appreciated of course, but for everyone else?

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

I should also mention that announcing the pregnancy is not an option at this point, as our families and most guests are quite religious and would not be happy. So we won't be able to explain it that way.

Jen4948 · January 2013

Sorry, but you can't mention gifts at all to people who haven't asked you about them. Nor is it okay to ask for cash only.

rsanna · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:62b7c8b3-bc22-47fa-becd-1e36612f818f">Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, FI and I just found out 2 weeks ago that we are pregnant, surprise! This has thrown a wrench into some of our wedding plans as we're now trying to save most of our money for our new baby. I'm trying to figure out how I can let our guests that were planning to bring a gift know that we've cancelled our registries and just want cash? I know some may have already purchased their gifts for the showers and wedding, and they will be greatly appreciated of course, but for everyone else?
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

<div>You don't. It is rude to ask for cash. You said you got rid of your registries and that is the best you can do. If someone asks you (or family members) you can tell them that you are saving for X, Y, or Z. But honestly, I would feel horrible for lying to my family and friends. And do you not think that your family and friends won't realize that you were pregnant before you got married. According to your profile your wedding is in 40 days. That's about 2 months, and it would be really weird for everyone to think your baby was born prematurely but you just weren't mature enough to handle the consequences of your decisions and owning up to that fact.</div>

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:5d812a8e-7377-40e8-8b34-98832d106af8">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, but you can't mention gifts at all to people who haven't asked you about them. Nor is it okay to ask for cash only.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

<div>If you can't mention gifts, why would anyone register?</div>

MoonlightSilver · January 2013

Chop down your registry to only a few small things. If someone already bought you a gift, there's nothing you can or should do to change that. If someone hasn't, they might ask where you're registered. You can tell them and say "But we're trying to save some money now to start our lives together with." or something to that effect.

Edit: You can only mention gifts when someone else brings it up. You shouldn't be expecting gifts from your guests, so it would be rude to tell them about your registries or lack their of without them first bringing it up.

J&K10910 · January 2013

When your registries disappear, people will realize you've canceled them. Tell parents and wedding party that you've decided you prefer cash, and they can tell anyone who asks.

And I'm a little confused how you're going to explain the timing of this baby to your family members? You realize that not telling them before the wedding doesn't mean they won't figure it out when you give birth less than 9 months after your wedding, right?

AddieCake · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:298f61bb-6e95-4fc1-acc4-876856975d4c">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : If you can't mention gifts, why would anyone register?
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

<div>It's known and accepted that people register and that they get gifts. It's just not polite to talk about gifts or money b/c guests are not obligated to buy you anything for your wedding. So you simply don't discuss it one way or another unless THEY bring it up. Think about it. They get a note or phone call saying, "Hey, we just want cash for our wedding and no actual gifts, ok?" My first reaction to seeing/hearing that is, "Oh, so you just assume you were getting a gift?" For you to bring it up in any way is gift grabby. </div><div>
</div><div>And I agree keeping it a secret because your family wouldn't understand is silly since they will figure it out when they do the math. </div>

bridalmarch · January 2013

Your religious family can likely still do math, so I would just tell them.

It's incredibly rude to ask for cash. Someone in your family may throw you a baby shower, which will help prepare you for your child. Your wedding is about you and your FI, not about the baby.

If you cancel or reduce your registries, when people ask you can say "we don't have a registry/we only have a small registry because we're saving up for some household expenses." People will get the hint.

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:67fdbd55-f146-4cee-865a-fe3b71dd6684">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Cash Only For Baby, Please? : You don't. It is rude to ask for cash. You said you got rid of your registries and that is the best you can do. If someone asks you (or family members) you can tell them that you are saving for X, Y, or Z. But honestly, I would feel horrible for lying to my family and friends. And do you not think that your family and friends won't realize that you were pregnant before you got married. According to your profile your wedding is in 40 days. That's about 2 months, and it would be really weird for everyone to think your baby was born prematurely but you just weren't mature enough to handle the consequences of your decisions and owning up to that fact.
Posted by rsanna[/QUOTE]

<div>OK, thanks on the registry, we'll just get what we get, I guess. Hopefully people will get the hint.</div><div>
</div><div>As for the judginess, thanks, but I honestly don't think anyone would be mad at that point. It's months later, and who really gets mad about a baby once it's born? </div>

Dreamergirl8812 · January 2013

If that is a conversation you don't want to have AT your weddings, just avoid it. You can deal with their criticisim later. But they may ask questions when you don't drink champagne during the toast...

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:f8c25fc8-2d50-4df1-acff-0199503e6643">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]If that is a conversation you don't want to have AT your weddings, just avoid it. You can deal with their criticisim later. But they may ask questions when you don't drink champagne during the toast...
Posted by Dreamergirl8812[/QUOTE]

<div>If people found out now that I'm pregnant, they wouldn't come at all, which means no wedding.</div>

MoonlightSilver · January 2013

I probably wouldn't be telling my family about a pregnancy a month and 10 days before a wedding either. Not because I would fear their religious judging, but because I wouldn't want to stress about it. Planning a wedding and hearing that input is enough for me; I wouldn't need extra comments about the pregnancy.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:298f61bb-6e95-4fc1-acc4-876856975d4c">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : If you can't mention gifts, why would anyone register?
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

Because the etiquette of wedding gifts is rather curious: Even though wedding guests are supposed to give gifts to the couple as an expression of congratulations and joy in their union, the etiquette of gifts itself is that one never openly asks for gifts or expresses gift preferences unsolicited. One is supposed to maintain the fiction that gifts are optional (which they are; they can't be used as "entrance fees" to a wedding; nor can there be a "cover your plate" mentality) and "unexpected" and that the recipient/s is/are surprised and touched to receive what is supposed to be a token of affection and esteem.

Registries are supposed to be an indirect way of communicating gift preferences which cannot be communicated directly.

bridalmarch · January 2013

I'm not judging. FI and I found out we were pregnant after only a few months of dating. Both sets of parents are very religious and I had to tell mine over the phone because they live across the country. They had never even met FI. Neither set of parents was happy, but us lying to them wouldn't have helped at all. Everyone had enough time to adjust to the situation and now everyone is happy.

You had sex. That was a grown up thing to do. You need to tell them. How pregnant are you right now? It may be hard to hide depending on your dress and your body type.

And congratulations. Babies are fun.

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:b9d7b03a-0343-4533-9679-459feefd60b9">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]I probably wouldn't be telling my family about a pregnancy a month and 10 days before a wedding either. Not because I would fear their religious judging, but because I wouldn't want to stress about it. Planning a wedding and hearing that input is enough for me; I wouldn't need extra comments about the pregnancy.
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly! Thank you! If they're that upset about it later, they can just deal with it. And honestly, we had the courthouse ceremony when we found out about the baby, so really they can't even complain that we weren't married.</div>

NantucketBride12 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:37c1a5e6-7b3a-4585-ac8a-93e945bac00d">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Exactly! Thank you! If they're that upset about it later, they can just deal with it. And honestly, we had the courthouse ceremony when we found out about the baby, so really they can't even complain that we weren't married.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

<div>Wait... you're married and registering for another wedding? Perhaps I cannot read tonight.</div>

J&K10910 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:37c1a5e6-7b3a-4585-ac8a-93e945bac00d">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Exactly! Thank you! If they're that upset about it later, they can just deal with it. And honestly, we had the courthouse ceremony when we found out about the baby, so really they can't even complain that we weren't married.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

You are a fascinating creature.

You do realize that getting married once you've found out does not mean you were married when the baby happened, right?

They're going to be even more thrilled to find out that you lied to everyone about getting married.

bridalmarch · January 2013

So you're lying to your family about a baby AND a wedding?

Aces!

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:645863cc-e8b1-4891-88d7-95589a12c564">Re:Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you found out 2 weeks ago that you were pregnant, I would assume you're currently 6 to 8 weeks along. In another 40 days, you're going to be into your second trimester, and therefore likely showing. I hate to tell you, but hiding it until the wedding isn't going to be much of an option.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I had thought of that! I have an empire waist dress (I think that's what it's called?) already. I'm not the slimmest girl, so I think I'll be ok. If anything, they'll just think it's stress weight.</div>

rsanna · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:37c1a5e6-7b3a-4585-ac8a-93e945bac00d">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Exactly! Thank you! If they're that upset about it later, they can just deal with it. And honestly, we had the courthouse ceremony when we found out about the baby, so really they can't even complain that we weren't married.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm assuming, then, your family doesn't even know you are already married then, right? There is just so much wrong with that. If your family is that horrible that they wouldn't come to your PPD, then I'm sorry your family is that way. That gives you no reason to be rude.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: You also have really messed up priorities.</div>

MoonlightSilver · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:37c1a5e6-7b3a-4585-ac8a-93e945bac00d">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : Exactly! Thank you! If they're that upset about it later, they can just deal with it. <strong>And honestly, we had the courthouse ceremony when we found out about the baby, so really they can't even complain that we weren't married.</strong>
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

<div>They can complain that you lied to them about when your actually wedding date was, though. It's very rude to lie to you guests and make them believe they're watching a wedding when they're really not. This has happened to me, by a close family member, and I'm still upset about it. </div>

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

Seriously? We've been planning this wedding for 18 months. I'm not about to cancel it 2 months ahead of time and lose out on all of our deposits and the day I've been waiting for for my entire life. It's a party celebrating a wedding either way. I think everyone needs to relax a little bit.

J&K10910 · January 2013

So why did you do the courthouse wedding then? That's what I don't get. What was the point of that?

zitiqueen · January 2013

What religion are you and your family? How are you going to swing a church pretend-wedding if you're already married? Are you planning to let the pastor know or are you going to lie to him too?

zitiqueen · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:2334299a-ab2f-4148-83a1-a222dc449e0a">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously? We've been planning this wedding for 18 months. I'm not about to cancel it 2 months ahead of time and lose out on all of our deposits and the day I've been waiting for for my entire life. It's a party celebrating a wedding either way. I think everyone needs to relax a little bit.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

So you're going to let your family know you're already married?

RisaCtoFox · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:e5e3ce11-93e5-4d53-9a17-a5d3a40c4b06">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]What religion are you and your family? How are you going to swing a church pretend-wedding if you're already married? Are you planning to let the pastor know or are you going to lie to him too?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>We're Catholic, and of course he knows! My mother also knows. She is livid and was/is debating not attending.</div>

NantucketBride12 · January 2013

You don't get to throw multiple weddings in order to finance your lifestyle. It's trashy. Lying about your marital status and being pregnant is trashy. There seems to be a recurring theme here.

zitiqueen · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:19d379ac-1ab2-4216-b798-6c7d334dbfcc">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please? : We're Catholic, and of course he knows! My mother also knows. She is livid and was/is debating not attending.
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

Your priest has agreed to go through with a fake wedding? I find that impossible to believe.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-only-for-baby-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93cceb53-40ae-4aa2-a269-6cc28398b1f2Post:2334299a-ab2f-4148-83a1-a222dc449e0a">Re: Cash Only For Baby, Please?</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously? We've been planning this wedding for 18 months. I'm not about to cancel it 2 months ahead of time and lose out on all of our deposits and the day I've been waiting for for my entire life. It's a party celebrating a wedding either way.<strong> I think everyone needs to relax a little bit.</strong>
Posted by RisaCtoFox[/QUOTE]

No one's going to do that. Your courthouse ceremony <strong>was</strong> your "wedding." This big event with deposits that you're planning is some kind of celebration, but it is <strong>not</strong> a "wedding." If you've kept it a secret from your family and friends, then inviting them to a big white event and then springing it on them that you're already "married," not to mention that you've been hiding a pregnancy, you're going to piss people off. You can also kiss your credibility with these people good-bye. You've been <strong>lying</strong> to them.

bridalmarch · January 2013

The priest is willing to "marry" you even though you are legally married? I understand that being married in the Catholic church is different than being legally married, but I have a hard time believing your priest is fine participating in this charade.

I wouldn't attend if I were your mother. The "wedding" is a sham and if she attends you are including her in your lie.

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