FI and I had our first wedding-related fight

Re: FI and I had our first wedding-related fight

• jnkreager member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  Wow, the Owls are impressive!  If you guys can communicate like this throughout  marriage, you are going to have a loooong and happy life together. 
  
  The future Mr. and I got into a big argument right after we started planning too--for many of the same reasons.  What I learned:
  

  • FH wants to be involved in EVERYTHING and have his opinion heard.  It should not just be a me/my mom/my sister/his mom planning extravaganza.
  • I get snippy when I am stressed (and wedding planning is stressful!) so I need to remember it is not just what I say, but also by tone of voice.
  • Similarly, when he knows I am stressed, he should ask what he can do to help ease my burden--even if that means doing something small like taking the dogs on a walk or giving me a massage

  
  PS- Just for curiousity's sake, how did you get the nickname The Owls?  Or is that actually your future last name?  FH and I call each other Bear, but I never thought about Mr. Bear and Miss Bear; I like it!

  

  Report0 Reply
• 77Angie

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  Wow I feel like I am hearing myself talk when I read your post!  It sounds a lot like what we have argued about.  I think the most frustrating thing is that he doesn't want to hear about everything but gets frustrated when I make decisions without him.  So, I have learned to try to give him little bits of into instead of bombarding him.  One thing that I have found that works great is I let him know a few days prior that we will need to discuss some wedding stuff soon.  I think this prepares him a little more

  

  Report0 Reply
• tiffanydaniels

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I feel your pain, for sure, my FI hates talking about the wedding, but he does just because he knows that i want to. He said from the beginning that he is there to help me, but I still don't have his side of the guest list so I can get a rough estimate on numbers, and everytime I ask for help on a project he rolls his eyes and says he has other things to do.
  
  But that is ok, because I know that the wedding is really just for me. lol.

  ****Planning Bio: Updated 10/17/11****

  Report0 Reply
• [Deleted User] member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_ohio-columbus_fi-first-wedding-related-fight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:112Discussion:5a65c32f-b5d8-4ad5-96d9-debd45e1857aPost:ccbcdf34-6c2b-44f4-90e6-de85af00bac5">FI and I had our first wedding-related fight</a>:
  [QUOTE]Ugh. All is totally better now and it was great for us in the long run but man was he an a@$ for the past day or so. What I learned: 1. mr.owl does not care about the wedding as much as i do, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to see me happy <strong>This is the case with a lot of guys. There were many things that I asked H for his advice and he said he didn't care. So I just did it or went and bought it. It wasn't that he didn't care, but he knew I had good taste and trusted my judgement </strong>2. mr.owl hates it when i bombard him with details but hates it more to be out of the loop. share information regularly but not obsessively. got it. <strong>I wouldn't bore him with wedding details all of the time, but perhaps you could fill him in once a week at dinner or something </strong>3. mr.owl thinks it sucks that we're spending so much money right now and didn't really get that we spend like half now (on deposits) and then like nothing at all until 2 months before the wedding. he still hates it but at least he understands that we won't be bleeding money for much longer. <strong>Find ways to cut back if you can. TK and the internet is great for that </strong>4. miss owl is pissy that mr.owl hasn't yet given her his share of the budget from his personal account into their wedding account. this makes her freak out about dollars even though they have them. mr.owl needs to give her at least half his share right away. <strong>Money is one of the biggest arguments/problems in marriage so before you go any further, you will have to sit down and sort it out. </strong>5. when they get upset, the owls need to go to different rooms for awhile. mr.owl is an internal processor, meaning he needs time and space. miss owl is an external processor, meaning she needs her columbus board ladies and maybe her journal or a call to a friend to sort it out. <strong>This is totally us. It is perfectly okay. </strong> then they come back together and it's all ok. 6. mr.owl doesn't want to spend every penny given to us for the wedding. miss owl does - they are, in fact, gifts FOR the wedding from their parents. the owls compromise by saying they will spend half of any parent money gifts on necessary wedding extras not covered in their original budget (honeymoon, rehearsal dinner) and half will go to joint savings. boom. go team owl! feeling really good about this now. did you and your mr. have any fights recently or leading up to the big day? how did you resolve it?
  Posted by MissOwl[/QUOTE]
  
  We had many fights leading up to the wedding. Just take a step back and walk away. That work for us. In fact, we have had very few since being married. But fighting is going to happen in a marriage, but it is how you handle it and resolve it that matters.

  Report0 Reply
• MissOwl

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  thanks for the feedback ladies. it's nice to know i'm in good company and to hear some of your advice and wise words (looking at you, @MissySue).
  
  jnkreager: we've always had owls around our apartment and we have lot of what i call 'critter pairs' that we've picked up over the past few years. they're figurines or statues or ornaments and they're all girl and boy pairs. so when referring to the critter pairs, i call the miss hedgehog and mister hedgehog or miss kitty and mister kitty. the owls have always been our fave ones so the name miss owl was born for the interwebz
  
  @Angie - good advice about giving him a heads up/warning. i forwarded him a few emails that were between vendors and myself and that seems to also satisfy his urge to know while also satisfying his desire to not talk about it haha.
  
  @Tiff - maybe you should try my email forwarding trick above?
  
  thanks ladies! more comments welcome.
  

  Linky link to MissOwl's Pinterest

  Report0 Reply
• tweber510

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I think it's a guy thing to not want to spend the money My FI is the same way he thought we should be saving up until the day of and when reality sank in it sank in hard.

  
  

  that and he likes to pretend that our wedding is his family reunion and he still has no idea what actually happens the day of or that he needed the day before off for the rehearsal...not really sure what his plans are lol we're still working on it 

  

  Report0 Reply
• Belle0000

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I've been trying to remind myself that we have a lot of time to solve any disagreements that come up since we have a little over a year.  For the most part, FI has been surprisingly accomodating and involved.  I thought he would be reluctant to do anything and be difficult about scheduling meetings with vendors, but it hasn't been a problem.  Our closest thing to an argument to date was regarding the guest hotels....getting a hotel with shuttle included vs. getting one without and renting a separate shuttle. 
  
  We talked about our wedding a lot before we got engaged, so he knew what was coming as far as costs.  We are paying for probably 85-90% of it ourselves--which sucks--but I feel like it eliminates some conflict because we don't have the "well my mom is paying for this so I feel obligated to do this" type of disagreement. 
  
  One (obscure) thing that has probably eliminated some conflict: FI is colorblind...so the look of flowers, BM dresses, groomsmen vests, decor, etc is all up to me (which isn't necessarily a good thing because I'm so indecisive!). 
  
  We both get super snappy when we're stressed, so the weeks leading up to the wedding may be very unpleasant.   And we haven't gotting into major money-saving mode....that comes next month when we move in together, and we're not totally eye-to-eye on what we should be saving, so I see a possible fight on the horizon then!
  

  Report0 Reply
• montyandkellyski

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  I've been told MANY times that if you can survive the wedding planning process, you have a GREAT chance at surviving marriage.  FI and I did not have many disagreements until we started planning our wedding at the beginning of the year, and not much stress either (keep in mind we have a toddler, raising a child is TONS easier than planning wedding, lol).  I think it's great that you two could talk it out and have a better understanding of what each other's expectations/needs/wants are.  And yes...I've learned that the wedding really is for the bride.  It's hard to comprehend that, but is much easier once you just accept it
  
  Wine seems to help too.

  
  My Horrible Excuse of a Planning Bio

  Report0 Reply
• katy0293

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  FI and I have had a few knock-down drag outs... but it never lasts more than a few hours.

  
  

  Our fights are usually because I forget the advice "No one cares about your wedding as much as you do, not even your fiance".  He says that he wants to help me but he really doesn't or when we get a solid quote for the more expensive elements...

  
  

  I'm sure we'll be fine... but it is difficult sometimes to fight over something that is supposed to be so joyous for both of us.

  
  

  I'm glad that you two were able to work through it and figure it out.  That's a good sign

  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• KellyRVT member

  

  July 2011 edited December 2011

  Love this! 

  

  Report0 Reply