My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!

ZoeTheDog · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:51650633-f516-47fc-ab0f-ec2547146121">My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]But this crosses the line and is something that I know would pick at me throughout my Big Day. Posted by racheladine[/QUOTE]

Oh my god...really?

Stackeye210 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:fe070284-8a39-4931-85b7-dcf80ab9bcf4">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I know that it's only two people, but I don't want that creepy dude around my teenage cousins or myself. And she has absolutely no filter when it comes to conversation. A small part of me will be worrying all day about who she's offending. And actually, the 130 is pretty intimate for us. We both come from large, close-knit families.
Posted by racheladine[/QUOTE]

From what I gather, you haven't even met this guy. So how is he creepy dude that you don't want around your teenage cousins?

Andplusalso - get over it!

louisvillebride21 · March 2010

Look, your FI already invited them. I think you need to let that one you. He's allowed to invite people to this wedding to. These two people aren't the problem here. Your FI is. If you keep telling him that you absolutely can't have any more and you two agree on that, he needs to stick with it.

ZoeTheDog · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:01a6b3d9-bc8d-475b-a307-42a66769aa1f">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Withhold sex?
Posted by alixzafiris[/QUOTE]

Alixza I can't decide if she should withhold $ex or if she's already doing it...she's so high strung it's hard to tell!

Please communicate with your fiance how you're feeling. I would imagine it would solve a lot.

racheladine · March 2010

Unfortunately he and I are both quite stubborn when we think we are right. This is the first time that both of us have butted heads like this and one of us not given in or compromised. I think it's because the resolution is so black and white: either she comes or doesn't.

And I KNOW that he isn't automatically a petophile, but I still don't want that around me for my own personal reasons. I'm allowed to have that boundary.

racheladine · March 2010

You know, I came here for support and guidance. I knew that I wouldn't agree with everything that would come back my way, but are the personal and petty attacks really necessary? If you don't have something constructive to say, don't say anything.

alixzafiris · March 2010

Are you real? Because I'm really questioning it at this point...

Stackeye210 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:5852413c-98c9-4c35-9520-f394e379e23c">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, I came here for support and guidance. I knew that I wouldn't agree with everything that would come back my way, but are the personal and petty attacks really necessary? If you don't have something constructive to say, don't say anything.
Posted by racheladine[/QUOTE]

Well when your reasoning is clearly flawed, you need to hear how you sound to other people. If you don't want honesty then go to the wedding wire.

janedoe1113a · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:d4970e80-475f-46dd-b01e-59753e037e97">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Unfortunately he and I are both quite stubborn when we think we are right. This is the first time that both of us have butted heads like this and one of us not given in or compromised. I think it's because the resolution is so black and white: either she comes or doesn't. <strong>And I KNOW that he isn't automatically a petophile, but I still don't want that around me for my own personal reasons. I'm allowed to have that boundary.</strong>
Posted by racheladine[/QUOTE]\

I'm curious as to these reasons since you haven't met the guy. He could be the nicest guy, but just has a crude girlfriend.

I think you should let your FI invite his friends. It's his day too. You are not going to notice them in a room with 130 other people. If this is something that is going to bother you on your wedding day, you need to seriously relax.

pristinedemon · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:d4970e80-475f-46dd-b01e-59753e037e97">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]And I KNOW that he isn't automatically a petophile, but I still don't want that around me for my own personal reasons. I'm allowed to have that boundary.
Posted by racheladine[/QUOTE]

Yes, you're allowed to have whatever boundaries you like, but when there is no discernable reason for them, you come off like a stuck-up snob. When it really comes down to it, you will not notice two people unless you choose to do so. Especially if you're having 130 people at your wedding.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2010

I too will be 28 in May. Interesting.

At this point, you have an FI problem. You have to let the hairdresser and her BF come. As far as getting your FI to respect that fact that you need to freeze the guest list - I have no advice. You need to figure this out, together. We can't help you.

tannymcgee · March 2010

ok, so you don't want a guy you've never met at your wedding because you assume he's a pedophile. that is totally legitimate. I mean, I assume people are pedophiles all the time... based on who they hang out with and their looks mostly. like, seriously, if a guy looks like benjamin linus from LOST, he aint gonna be at my wedding. not that even inviting any kids. but whatever, its the principle.

BecW2be · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:e9d2e30c-7bee-4d7c-9bbc-20a68e69023e">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I've tried the budget angle, he says he'll sit on the floor so that they can have his chairs, and that he'd just grab some McDonald's before the ceremony so that they could have his food, too. This is getting out of hand.
Posted by racheladine[/QUOTE]

He's obviously swinging and petting with his hairdresser and her "petophile" boyfriend. You've got your hands full there! Whew!

racheladine · March 2010

See? msmerymac has got it right. Is that what I wanted to hear? Not necessarily. But she was polite and to the point about it at least, and I can respect her for that.

J&K10910 · March 2010

You do realize that with 130 people there you probably won't even notice the guy right? And if they don't know anyone else, they'll probably come, eat, drink, and wander away to have sex in their car in the parking lot. No one will even notice.

ZoeTheDog · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:4a3edda8-2262-4a3f-89db-da2bdfa2b51e">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!! : He's obviously swinging and petting with his hairdresser and her "petophile" boyfriend. You've got your hands full there! Whew!
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

Bec did you read the one about them toking up with Grandma? I think we need an invite to this wedding!!!

J&K10910 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:4ba8e6a3-6357-4869-8565-f7fa6a32403d">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]See? msmerymac has got it right. Is that what I wanted to hear? Not necessarily. But she was polite and to the point about it at least, and I can respect her for that.
Posted by racheladine[/QUOTE]

Thank you for educating us on the "right" way to post.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2010

Yeah, I try to snark with the best of them, but I see no reason people are making these comments to you. Your FI has to understand that a line needs to be drawn somewhere. Inviting someone to grab some Micky D's and sit on the floor at your reception? Klassy. You guys need to get on the same page, somehow. He's added, what, at least 20ish people to the guest list since it was "finalized"? (It isn't JUST about him inviting 2 sketchy friends.) When are you ordering invitations? Once you have the invitations he CANNOT just randomly invite people you don't have invitations for.

tannymcgee · March 2010

I actually snarked not because I think these two should be invited to the wedding, but because its clear that Rachel has an FI problem and she should really be talking to him and not us. Its very disrespectful to come to a guest count agreement with your FI and have them break it over and over.

so yeah maybe i should have said that in the first place but the pedophile thing just cracked me up.

alixzafiris · March 2010

I'm not apologising for my snark. I made good points and she can take them or leave them; though I do suspect she'll leave them.

racheladine · March 2010

The invitations are already done, but since they had to be ordered in bulk we had a couple extras laying around that we never anticipated even using, and I've used those for the extras he's invited.

The thing is that this is my first real "snark". There are a lot of things that he's wanted as far as the wedding is concerned that I've gone along with. Ice sculptures, the location, most of the music selection, etc. Things that I could probably do without but didn't say anything. They're clearly more important to him. Almost the entire wedding has gone his way. This is the ONLY snark I've had. It's not like I'm bitchy all the time.

Additionally, the reason the guy makes me so uncomfortable (without even meeting him) is the fact that I was attacked when I was younger. Someone like him who from what I hear spends a lot of time in the strip club is someone that I don't want near me. It may not be right or fair, but I'm allowed to draw that line.

racheladine · March 2010

I was just asking how you guys thought I should handle it. The general consensus is that I need to talk to him even more about it. I realize that as well. I was basically asking if there is another angle I can use or a way to explain how uncomfortable I am. There is obviously a communication breakdown here because he isn't understanding the depth of my feelings on this issue.

I've tried using the tools and outlines our pastor gave us for communication and problem solving in our pre-marriage classes and it's obviously not working.

J&K10910 · March 2010

Oh, good. Strippers.

polichik · March 2010

Honestly, I think it's really shitty that he's adding people to the guest list without even consulting with you. It's really not his place... It's YOUR wedding (as in you + him), and the people there should be those with whom you feel comfortable. I'd be annoyed if FI started inviting random people, and I'd let him know that we need to discuss guest list add-ons before inviting them, verbally or otherwise.

Have you made it known how uncomfortable you are? Honestly, he sounds pretty immature, with the whole "I'll sit on the floor so they can have my chair" thing. That's just stupid.

ZoeTheDog · March 2010

Totally not snarking anymore. If you feel you've tried every communication "tool" you've got, then I would suggest private pre-marital counseling.

Better to find out it's not going to work now than later.

pristinedemon · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:ce090a4e-102c-4621-8330-c1796063fade">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Additionally, the reason the guy makes me so uncomfortable (without even meeting him) is the fact that I was attacked when I was younger. Someone like him who from what I hear spends a lot of time in the strip club is someone that I don't want near me. It may not be right or fair, but I'm allowed to draw that line.
Posted by racheladine[/QUOTE]

You're kidding, right?

I'm really sorry bad things have happened to you, but this as an argument for not liking someone you've never met makes no sense.

J&K10910 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-invited-his-hairdresser?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:395ea96f-efd3-4462-8824-eb2d38372ba1Post:5888edc2-96bf-46a3-9ff5-23fd00a20673">Re: My Fiance invited his HAIRDRESSER!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Totally not snarking anymore. If you feel you've tried every communication "tool" you've got, then I would suggest private pre-marital counseling. Better to find out it's not going to work now than later.
Posted by ZoeTheDog[/QUOTE]

Ok, this = a little extreme of a response, IMO.

racheladine · March 2010

Polichik--I have been communicating with him, but obviously there's a breakdown here. He's never been so immature or stubborn before, and neither have I really. I don't know what to do.

Zoe-We are in private courses. Unfortunatley my pastor is on a missions trip for the next month and we are left on our own. This is the first breakdown we've had where we've both refused to budge. I'm at a loss of how to communicate the depth of my emotions any more than I already have. I thought I was making it clear to him.

smokeybailey · March 2010

My sister invited our hairdresser to her wedding and I would do the same thing. She's family to us.
End of story.

polichik · March 2010

To me, the issue here would be FI inviting somebody that I don't know or don't like without consulting me. That would make me really angry.

OP, if you're open to secular counseling, I'd recommend going to www.aamft.org and working with a licensed marital and family therapist. It sounds like there's some stuff going on that might need more intensive work.

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