Cold feet? Is it over?

Re: Cold feet? Is it over?

• zitiqueen member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_cold-feet-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:d89bc192-472d-44bb-9e82-cf1ac8b08487Post:281104f2-ca6b-413f-a7d1-227794e854c5">Cold feet? Is it over?</a>:
  [QUOTE]To make a very complicated story short, I've been with my fiance (?) for 3.5 years now and we were supposed to get married in July. I'm using past tense because I don't know what's going on anymore. We were supposed to move into our new apartment two weeks ago. We did have some Korean cultural issues prior to that where I wasn't very cooperative regarding furnishing because he never bothered showing me the apartment to begin with despite my persistent requests. How could I feel comfortable forking over thousands of dollars for a place I know nothing about?  Then the night before we were supposed to move, I came home to see his stuff packed and ready to go. He said he wanted two or three  months  of no contact to rethink everything. We've never had major problems before...except his avoidance of facing uncomfortable situations. He would disappear from people for weeks (me or his family) if he wanted to avoid talking about things he didn't want to discuss. In this case, I'm assuming it was the furnishing deal. This current dilemma seems like an upgraded version of his disappearances and<strong> I don't know if I can tolerate it for the rest of my life.</strong> But, besides this terrible trait of his (and it is rather serious), I love everything else about him. Ack, I think I'm rambling now. I'm just torn about what to do. Should I move on or wait it out? Does he just have cold feet? Ideally, I'd like to talk it over with him but that's apparently not an option... Anyone else have any situation that's even remotely similar to this? 
  Posted by stinkyllama[/QUOTE]
  
  That's what you need to decide. He's giving you a very clear picture of how the rest of your life with him will be. Is this what you want? You are allowed to decide to end this if you want; you don't need to wait for him to make the decision.
  
  Just remember, if you both decide to go through with the wedding and he pulls his disappearing act again (which he will because he's proven to you time and again that he will), your having said "I do" means you've lost the right to complain about it ever again. You know exactly what you're signing up for.

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• MiddlesexFells member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  When a person tells you WHO THEY ARE, believe them.

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• artbyallie mod

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Adults don't run away from problems in their life/relationships. They talk about them. He clearly can't do that, and that's a big red flag that he's not mature enough for marriage.

  

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• Lizdc member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Honestly if he said he wanted 2-3 months of no contact this close to a wedding then you should really consider if this is the right thing for you. Even if he comes back with his head on right you will question if he is going to this right before the wedding or after. I am sorry you are dealing with this. One thing I would say is better now then a few months before the birth of a child. A wedding can be called off.

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• DG1 member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  
  Who cares if he just has cold feet. Even if he were bursting to marry you tomorrow, would YOU want to marry HIM? Into a lifetime of MONTHS of silent treatment? 
  
  Seriously. Run far away, fast. Then find a grown up to marry.
  

  
  

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• VarunaTT member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Well, do you really want to marry a man who is going to run out on you everytime there's a problem?  And leave you to deal with the problem by yourself?  Part of getting married is knowing that you have to support each other...he's not really supporting you at all, is he? 
  
  I'm not sure what the Korean culture has to do with anything here, so maybe you can explain that.
  
  Who cares if he has cold feet.  YOU should have some cold feet.  Why are you hanging onto this man?  What does he possibly give you that could possibly make up for this? 
  
  I'd say call the wedding off.  This man isn't worth it.  Anyone deserves better than a partner than just runs every time for months at a time.
  

  �

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• TheDuckis member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Roughly translated, "I need 2-3 months of no contact to think things over" means:
  
  Something is wrong and I am unhappy, but I'm too chickenshit to talk about it or to take positive steps toward making it better. So instead, I'm going to run off and do whatever the fck I want, because having the people I supposedly love be hurt, confused, and angry is easier for me than having to deal with my problems like an adult. By the way, I recognize that during my time of self-discovery I may decide that had it pretty good, what with a woman around that could share boring household responsibilities and have sex with me whenever I wanted it. To that end, I'd appreciate it if you just sit in limbo for the time I'm gone. And when I do come back, I'll need you to welcome me with open arms (and legs), and not try to tell me anything silly like that it hurt you to have me do this.
  
  
  In other words, run fast, run far, and don't look back.
  

  
  Crap...I Mean Crafts

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• M&R7111

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_cold-feet-over?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:d89bc192-472d-44bb-9e82-cf1ac8b08487Post:3440d7da-38c2-47bf-9363-f63820c07e68">Re: Cold feet? Is it over?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Honestly if he said he wanted 2-3 months of no contact this close to a wedding then you should really consider if this is the right thing for you. Even if he comes back with his head on right you will question if he is going to this right before the wedding or after. I am sorry you are dealing with this. <strong>One thing I would say is better now then a few months before the birth of a child.</strong> A wedding can be called off.
  Posted by Lizdc[/QUOTE]
  
  This is what I was just thinking reading your story.
  
  There are things my FI does that I've realized I need to either accept or leave him.  I've decided I can accept some things he does to cope with issues and realized I can live with those things for the rest of my life.
  
  However, disappearing for weeks to months at a time is pretty severe.  It's one thing to keep issues in and not talk about them, but to remove himself from all other human contact can cause problems down the line.  Do you want to have children?  They can be the cause of fights in the relationship.  What are the chances he will disappear from you and the kids for a month or so - because he needs some "no contact" time?
  
  I don't think this is cold feet if he does this kind of thing often.  You need to be able to talk to him about this - and other things that are bothering you.  But how can you do that if every time he feels he disagrees with you there must be some long length of time in "hiding"?  I don't see how a relationship will ever work this way.

  

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• VRL

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm definitely coming into this a little late, but I had to stress the truth behind all of the previous posts.
  
  What went through my mind while I was reading your post was the following:
  
  1) He is obviously more concerned with himself than any one else in his life, including you. Leaving for days, weeks, months at a time while refusing contact has got to be the single most selfish thing I've heard tell of yet.
  
  It seems like his own sick way of punishing people for not expressly meeting his needs or giving him is own way.
  
  If I came home to my FI with his bags packed, telling me he was going way for three months to re-evaluate our relationship  -  and that he'd not be in contact with me until he returned - I'd be devastated. My whole world would turn upside down.
  
  And then I'd tell him to not come back.
  
  2) He's immature. As has been mentioned in PPs, adults don't run and hide from their problems. They stand on their own two feet, and face their issues. Sometimes they need the support of loved ones, but they don't run away. Your FI is acting like a petulant child, and that's simply not acceptable.
  
  The fact that your FI has been pulling stunts like this his entire life tells me that someone's been enabling his selfish and immature behavior (possibly just by tolerating it) - and that likely, it's not going to stop.
  
  Ever.
  
  No one is going to fault you for loving him. I completely understand how you can love someone who doesn't show you the respect, consideration and love that you deserve.
  
  But take it from someone who's lived it - he will never change. His needs will always come before yours - or any children you ever have with him.
  
  If that's something you can live with, then wait it out to see what he decides. And if he decides you're worth it, then you can marry him.
  
  But let me assure you of this: you deserve better. I don't even know you, and I know this with absolute certainty.
  
  Take these next three months; grieve and move on. You'll be better off for it.
  

  

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• Sarahkayfa

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm sorry you're going through this. I married someone I loved very much, who used to go through these periods of emotional distance and silence, for months at a time. It got worse after the loss of our daughter. When times are hard, you need a partner who turns to you for love and support, who you can turn to, not someone who pushes you away and stops speaking to you for months at a time. Our marriage fell apart. 

  I hope you decide if you can live with this, if he comes back, because it would be a tragedy to go through with it, and then years later, find out that you can't.

  The key is, don't wait for him, this is something you need to decide, regardless of him.

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• FutureJilliannD member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  You are supposed to get married in July and he doesn't want to talk to you again until mid-June at earliest?! That is a serious problem. I would stand my ground and get him to talk about your issues. If he isn't going to try to work things out, that is something you need to consider in your decision whether or not to still marry him.

  -This is not legal advice-

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• stinkyllama member

  

  April 2011 edited December 2011

  Thanks for the feedback everyone. I totally understand all the points you made. I am doing some serious thinking of my own and in the meantime, I'm keeping myself busy with work, fitness, friends and pampering myself for a change. 

  
  

  Whatever happens, I'll be back here on TheKnot when I have concrete wedding plans again... whenever that may be!  

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