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Scared...

ChestieLaRouxChestieLaRoux
First Comment
in Second Weddings
Hi! Im new here (again), and its nice to find people in my same shoes as far as second marriages are concerned.

Admittedly, I was too young and dumb the first time I got married. What I did get was my 2 beautiful daughters. My Fiance also has 2 kids and he was with his exwife for a total of 18 years, (12 married years). We both come from completely different backgrounds, and he is considerably older than I am.

Im 25, FI is 40 (almost 41). His family is fantastic and very accepting, but Im still scared that his mom is skeptical of me. I dont know if its my age, or the fact that I had both of my daughters out of wedlock, before I married my ex. I dont know. She is very sweet to me, and my kids. But Im still scared of my FMIL! She is a great woman, accomplish, educated, sweet as pie, but SCARY! Im intimidated.

Every time I mention our weddin (we have been together for a year, the wedding is in 2 years), she shrugs it off. I get the impression that she doesnt think its going to happen, or that Im "young, dumb, and in love"

How do I gain confidence? What can I do to tell myself "its ok to breath"? I adore my FMIL, shes very inspirational to me. Im just still nervous about her, and how I will fit into my new family.

-Chestie.
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Re: Scared...

  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FMIL may think that you are a flash in the pain for her son -  his fanasty.  Big age differences are tough I was married for 9.75 yeas to my xH who was 17 years my senior.  It wasn't until his mom's dementia got so bad that she didn't remember that she didn't like me that she was pleasant to me.

    You need to be you and be confident in that you are enough for her son to love and want to be with.  She will come around, it's just tough for her when you are so young and with so much to learn and grow and she is probably afraid you may out grow her son.  I have a cousin who was in his mid-40's when he married his wife she was 24 - so I know it can work... and I know that if you truly love this man you will grow together not apart.
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  • kimp67kimp67 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I completely agree with MikesAngie, ditto everything she said.  Since the wedding isn't for two more years, don't mention it.  Maybe she just needs time to get used to things.  Good Luck!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Probably because the wedding isn't for two more years.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My fiance is also 15 years older than me, and I'm also a little scared of his "elders". Also his previous wife (and some girlfriends) have been very unpleasant people, so I'm always thinking about what they probably think of me. I figure the only solution is to give it time, let them get to know me. I'd say hang in there, be yourself, they'll warm up to you.
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Ok, whose AE is this?  CHESTIE?  Really? 

    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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  • shytownkellyshytownkelly
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_scared-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9d727132-15a1-42af-91e1-4c01fe80ba60Post:85d17f1a-52c2-4d4b-94fc-cf056f774616">Re: Scared...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, whose AE is this?  CHESTIE?  Really? 
    Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

    Heh!  I didn't even catch that!  Funny!
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  • ChestieLaRouxChestieLaRoux
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Its a nick name Ive had for years. Never mind my handle. What about my dilemma?
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I really think this is MUD, but just in the off chance that it isn't, here's my advice.  The fact is that people's brains aren't even fully developed until they're 25.  That means yours has just about developed.  Because I married a man 10 years younger than me, I can't even fathom marrying someone older than me.  It makes no sense to me given that men don't usually live as long as women, etc.   Of course, if it's a financial arrangement, that's an entirely different story and a different sort of marriage. 

    So, I suggest you just enjoy getting to know your fiance.  REALLY get to know him.  Read books together, such as 1001 things to know before you get married, where you really examine what your plans are (children, how to handle money, etc.) after the wedding. 

    So many of us focus on the wedding, that we don't plan for the marriage.  I propose you focus on the relationship and just see how far that takes you. 

    PS--I love that Mikesangie made the statement/freudian slip of "Flash in the PAIN" rather than the true saying, which is flash in the PAN.  LOL.  "Chestie" may be a flash in the PAIN.  haha. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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  • jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_scared-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:9d727132-15a1-42af-91e1-4c01fe80ba60Post:39b7d379-1171-4527-8fc0-ffdc32a1d91e">Re: Scared...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I really think this is MUD, but just in the off chance that it isn't, here's my advice.  The fact is that people's brains aren't even fully developed until they're 25.  That means yours has just about developed.  <strong>Because I married a man 10 years younger than me, I can't even fathom marrying someone older than me.  It makes no sense to me given that men don't usually live as long as women, etc. </strong>  Of course, if it's a financial arrangement, that's an entirely different story and a different sort of marriage.  So, I suggest you just enjoy getting to know your fiance.  REALLY get to know him.  Read books together, such as 1001 things to know before you get married, where you really examine what your plans are (children, how to handle money, etc.) after the wedding.  So many of us focus on the wedding, that we don't plan for the marriage.  I propose you focus on the relationship and just see how far that takes you.  PS--I love that Mikesangie made the statement/freudian slip of "Flash in the PAIN" rather than the true saying, which is flash in the PAN.  LOL.  "Chestie" may be a flash in the PAIN.  haha. 
    Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

    I'm marrying a man 10 years older than me and couldn't even fathom marrying some one 10 years younger than me, given that men take longer to mature and grow up. It all depends on who you are compatible with, age difference is not something that you can exactly control.

    OP - Your FMIL could be like that because the wedding is still 2 years away. Take your time planning and she may come around. If she doesn't, then maybe she's just not into weddings or is just apprehensive about a new person in her son's life. It's not just you coming into the picture, but your kids as well and you will be step-mother to her grandchildren. That is a  lot of stuff for someone to take in. Just be patient and don't take it personally.
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Jersey, there's a HUGE difference between a relationship of a 25 year old with a 40 year old, and a 51 year old and a 41 year old.  As we get older, the age becomes less important, except in a few matters, most of which are physical.  After my divorce, when I was in my mid-forties, I TRIED to date men my age.  They couldn't keep up.  They didn't like the music I listen to, they didn't like the physical things I do (former competitive body builder, I lift weights and get on the treadmill, do yoga, etc. several times a week) and they certainly couldn't keep up in the bedroom.  And that's just for starters.  So, that's why I could never, ever, marry anyone older than me.  Unless he had money.  Lots of it. And spent some of it on viagra.  :-)
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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  • ChestieLaRouxChestieLaRoux
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Handfast4me, Its not "mud." This is my real life, Im really in love with a man 15 years my senior, and he is really amazing. We get along marvelously. I couldnt imagine spending my life with anyone else. He doesnt have oddles of money, as you suggested. Infact, its a bit rude to suggest this is a just a ploy to be financially taken care of. I love him as a partner, as a lover, as my best friend and the only one who really gets me. Nerd love is the best love.

    Those who were supportive and helpful, Thank you. You are right, taking on a new daughter-in-law and her kids can be a handful. She and I are bonding over cooking and crafting.

    Im hoping that we can continue bonding. I appreciate your help.
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I never suggest that's what this was about for you.  I suggested that IF it was, that's a different type of marriage.

    I definitely think this is MUD.  Your name, your reactions, and the fact that you know all the knot abbreviations with only have a couple of posts under your belt is all evidence at this being an AE. 

    I need to follow other's wise advice: DNFTT. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
    Report Reply
  • awayagainawayagain member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's MUD for sure.  Not even very fun MUD.  Can't somebody come along with some good stuff?
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