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Moms and Maids
Montauk Daisy
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Is it ever ok to object?
I'm a MOG who has kept her mouth closed and my purse stings open. We are paying for 1/2 of the wedding with the other 1/2 divided between the brides parents and the happy couple. That doesn't include the cost of a rehearsal dinner, which they don't want or the cost of the brides dress which I paid for since I didn't want her to have to pay for it herself. I have 3 daughters and plan on buying all of their dresses. To me this is a new daughter and if her mom or stepmom aren't buying it, I am happy to do so.
I have two things that are really troubling me and I am not sure if I should say so or keep quiet.
The first thing is that they are not having flowers. They are doing nice center pieces and the bride will have a bouquet. There is no bridal party. The bride does have a sister, mother and stepmother. The groom also has mother, 3 sisters and a grandmother attending. I really want us all to have some sort of flower especially for the grandmother. I think it is appropriate for the immediate family, including men to have some kind of flower. It helps guests who may not know you that you are an important person in the couples lives. I am more that willing to pay for it but should I even bring it up? I think it is not important to the the bride's mom to have any flowers so the couple thinks it is ok to exclude it but is it ok for me to say it is important to me?
The other thing is the mother son dance. My son asked me to select one and I immediately told hiim what I would like. Now a month before the wedding he tells me that his bride would prefer another song. One that has no meaning to me. I am willing to compromise but I feel like my son or I should select it.
I'm curious to hear what other things Mother's objected to and what is the nicest way to voice it?
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Re: Is it ever ok to object?
Can you chat about the song with your son?
I will, however, agree with you about being hurt about the bride asking you to change your mother/son dance song. Personally, she should have no say over what song you dance with your son to. I would say something about this and let them know why you chose the song you did and that you would really like to keep it. I didn't like the song that my MIL chose but I didn't have to dance to it so in the end I didn't care what was playing...that is the time for the mother and son to have a moment together...the bride shouldn't try and control it.
1. If my mother came to me and said "I really would like corsages for these people. I'm willing to pay - what do you think?" I would have immediately agreed.
2. The bride gets no say on your mother/son song. Tell your son that you are uncomfortable with the bride dictating a song for a meaningful moment between you two.
As for the song, that's a different story. I would never ask my FI and his mom to dance to something that they didn't care about. Unless it was to deliberatly show me up (she's not my biggest fan) but it's his dance and he doesn't decide hers so I would say something about that, nicely.
Good luck!
The song should be your choice. Unless of course its a father/daughter dance at the same time, then the couple should chose.
I suggest before you speak to them, you think back---and think if you had made many other requests that you thought were small. As a bride, I know that I think and voer think EVERY tiny detail. I assume all brides are the same way. If the bride feels like she has already tweaked other details of the wedding to appease you- she may be less willing to budge. If this is your first few things you are requesting- then I think you can mention them.
Also, I applaud you for asking this on here rather than running off and telling the bride what she must do, and for being an involved inlaw. A lot of the postings on this baord, if you notice, are of brides having problems because a parent, step parents and in laws are giving them a difficult time, acting like it is their own wedding, or simply not participating.
167 Invited
Just because you are paying it does not mean you get a say so. Yes, sometimes money comes with strings, but this doesn't mean they should come with strings. Hopefully you are contributing money because you want to help make the day extra special. If somebody is contributing money to gain some control of the wedding (which it doesn't really sound like you are), that's pretty crappy on their part.
Mention the flowers, but drop it after you receive the bride and groom's response because, like PPs said, it's not your wedding. If there are no flowers because of finances (even with your financial help), are you willing to pay a little more for the flowers? If so, mention that if you haven't done so.
But if they don't want flowers because they simply don't want flowers, that is their decision for their wedding. Be happy and enjoy - the wedding will be beautiful anyway.
If the bride is carrying flowers I doubt she HATES the idea of looking at flowers; she probably just figured it wasn't necessary and it was a way to cut the budget. If you express that it would mean something to you (and esp if you're willing to pay for it) I can't imagine she'd say no.
As for the song I agree with pretty much all the PPs. The M/S dance song should be picked by the groom and/or mom. If it's a joint M/S F/D then you might have to work with her; even then you should still be able to come to a compromise on a song you all like.
PS - I totally thought you were talking about standing up at church and saying "I object!" during the vows. glad i was wrong.
About flowers - I would ask what they think of your idea. If they don't like it for some reason, don't push it. Maybe they just aren't flowery people.
About the song - That is certainly NOT her say. Unless you picked a crazy song or dance that is embarrassing (which I doubt), then there is no reason she should tell you how to spend that moment with your son. Can I ask what song you liked?
On the topic of the flowers, I agree with the other posters that the bride and groom probably don't really care about the flowers either way, and maybe are excluding them to save money. I would suggest gently just asking them why they are choosing to not have bridal party / parents flowers....if it's just to save money, etc, then go ahead and offer to pay for them so they can have them! If the answer is "because we hate flowers and if we have them it will wreck our day" (obvious exagerations there...) then maybe just let it go.
The son/mom dance though....is just silly. That should be between you and your son, and really has nothing to do with the bride (unless you choose a song that was played at her grandparent's funeral, or for some other reason really upsets her). Maybe explain to her that it kind of hurts your feelings that you might not get to dance to the song most meaningful for you and your son, and ask if there was a specific reason she said no to the song you had picked.
[QUOTE]So I thought long and hard about anything else I may have asked for. They showed me my part of the guest list and told me I could add on and I did ask that two guests be invited with a plus one because they are in a relationship. I would say they sought our approval on things like the date, venue and menu but it was of course all their decision. The reason they want me to change my song selection is it is longer by about 25 seconds than the father daughter dance. My song needs to be the same length or shorter. It's craziness and I am not going to be a part of it. I asked my son to choose some other possibilites with the appropriate length for me select from. I didn't even mention the flowers.
Posted by Montauk Daisy[/QUOTE]
Holy cow, seriously? I hope your son finds something nice, that you both like. Just curious, what is the time limit she's looking for? Maybe we can help you with some possible song options.
[QUOTE]Like Kate said, see if the dj can shorten the song or fade it out. Length sounds like a stupid reason to completely strike a song, since it's so fixable. GL!
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
This is exactly what we did, for BOTH dances with parents, simply because H and I figured that most people don't care to watch five minutes of father-daughter dancing, followed by another five full minutes of mother-son dancing. We wanted the songs to play for enough time that our parents felt loved and honored and some good pictures could be taken, and each song was faded out within two minutes, with the one song fading into the beginning of the next. Our first dance song was faded out early, also. We just wanted to cut the amount of time spent on the dances which only involve two people.
You do sound like such a sweet MIL. I hope your DIL comes around. She's micromangaing a bit!
[QUOTE]You could ask her if she would like you to get the corsages/bouts but if she declines, let it go. The dance? The song chosen for your mom/son dance should not be up to the bride at all and it really rubs me the wrong way that she has asked that you dance to something that has no meaning to you. How would she feel if your son told her he wanted her to dance with her dad with a song that he chose that had no meaning? Can you chat about the song with your son?
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]
This. The bride shouldn't get a say in the song for the mother and the groom unless she has already chosen that song for her and her dad. I let MIL and DH pick any song they wanted. DS1 is only 5 but I already have a song in mind for his wedding. I would be pretty upset if his future wife told me I couldn't have it just because she didn't like it.
First I must say that I think that you sound like a dream FMIL! I wish my MIL was like you. Now getting to your post. Since you are paying for part of the wedding and since you even paid for her wedding gown I think that you should definetly sit down with your son and your future daughter in law and explain to them that it would mean a lot to you to have a corsage...and as for the mother/son dance...its your special time on the dance floor with your son and the song should mean something to both you and your son. When we were planning our wedding my MIL wasn't involved AT ALL and that was fine with us, but I still gave his mom a corsage and let her choose the song to dance with her son to...we had a catholic ceramony and even at the church after we presented flowers to the blessed mother we each gave our mothers a single rose ( I gave mine to my dad since my mom passed away). I think that if you sit them down and explain (not demand) then it would be fine! good luck!
Flowers....SOL. She doesn't want them then you don't need them. Maybe she's being considerate and knows she can't afford them... and since you sound like a dream paying for everything....maybe she doesn't want you paying for anything else! has she already told you that she doesn't want flowers or did you just figure it out? maybe you can mention to her the type of flowers for the corsages and feel her out. If she says no then drop it. I know it's important to you but everyone at the wedding will know you're the MOG no matter what.....at least she's not choosing your dress out!!